7:24pm: Remember to comment here to get added to Stellar :D

7:17pm: Moved

I expect everyone to move as well. >:O

1:30am: I feel better that now everything is at least out in the open. True feeligns were shared, true feelings of hurt and betrayl..there are not as many walls to break down. It feels good. It feels better.

None of us can get through this alone, but as a group...maybe, just maybe, we can conquer it.

1:09pm: BFF really stands for Backstabbing Family Forever
I feel the need to write this and put in my two cents, no matter how unwelcomed it may be.

I'm on no one's side. I can't be. I can't figure out who's right and who's at fault. Can you blame someone who sees that they did no wrong? Can you blame someone who had someone else's best interest at heart? Either way I think it's impossible. If someone is in denial, or honestly sees no problem...you can't blame them. They've lost it. They're too far sucked in, too dependent, to honestly see that something is wrong. It's not that they choose not too, they really just don't see that their actions have had consequences. It's not fair to blame them. It's not fair to blame someone who noticed the problems and took drastic action. Especially if that person is a good person at heart, and had genuine concerns and someone, who is completely helpless in the situation, best interest at heart. It's just...there's no one to blame in the situation and I wish people would just realize that.

I'm not condoning what one party or the other did. I can't. I've tried rationing the situation, from both sides, in my head and tried figuring out who was "right" and who was "wrong", and I can't. For once...I can't. I think that speaks volumes. When you can't differentiate between the two parties, when both parties have adament points, concerns and things that have upset them, but...deep down have "lost it" or something similliar, in one way or another. I think letting yourself get to the point where there is such concern, that drastic action has to be taken is wrong. I think letting yourself slip so far into denial, that being an intelligent person...you see nothing wrong, is well...wrong. However, I also think that stepping in so violently, and so surprisingly to "save the day", was wrong. Other people in that house, in the group, spend more time with the helpless party than any of us. Especially the "hero" of the story.

How is it we've let our group get to this point? We're now divided. You've got the one's who sided with one party and has been badmouthing the "enemy" non-stop since this happened. You've got the lone party who is suffering, needs help, needs medical attention, counseling, something, with no one behind them. And then finally, you've got the group that is torn. The people that have stopped and seen both sides, but reconize that each major group did something wrong. It's torn us apart...again.

How is that some of us have just...willingly dropped someone we supposably care about? I thought our entire group was supposed to support and care for one another. Be there when someone needed us. The group as a whole, has proved me wrong. People have sided so quickly, passed judgements so fast, that it's like a second Cold War. A war of words. It must suck to be the one lone person, who thought had people to stand by them in a time of need, only to realize that with a few words spoken...everyone has turned against them. It must also suck to be the person who thought they were doing nothing but good, but now have people questioning the actions they took.

I haven't been a saint through this entier thing. I passed judgement just as fast as everyone did when the story was finally brought to my attention. I'm just as much to blame as everyone else. I let my own judgements and opinions and feelings get in the way of thinking rationally. The difference? I admitted it.

10:23am: PNEUMONA >:O
So what the fuck? How in the world did I land myself with pneumonia? I swear, I have the worst luck. Well..me and the people around me. Everything negative seems to hit everyone at once, and well frankly that sucks. I don't know. I had been feeling pretty run-down and gross the pas few days and couldn't figure out why since I haven't worked in awhile and have just been laying around with Cam. Then I started sneezing and coughing and chalked it up to allergies, but then I got to the point where I was shivering so bad I think you could physically see it, and I was litterly cold to the touch. I think I still am. I don't know...everywhere I touch on me feels cold. So then I thought it might just be the flu. Then I started sleeping practically all day. Whenever given the chance to lay still for more than 5 minutes, I would be out. I'd fall asleep immediately. I just always felt like I had not slept in days. I started thinking it was more than the flu then, but I needed more convincing before I went to the doctors. That's when I coughed up a lot of shit, freaked Cam out and went to the hospital. What a boring story.

Anyways, Cam's entry depressed the shit out of me. It's pneumonia. I'll get better, I'll live honestly. Yes, people have died from it before, but the majority of the time it was brought on by some other illness and worsened the person's condition, or went undetected for so long and without treatment and got out of hand. I'm 27, in pretty good shape, and I'm already on medication. I'm pretty sure everyone is stuck with me.

Enough about my pneumonia. Ya know, I could never spell that until I got it? Anyways...why is it that right when everything in my circle of friends seems to finally be going OK...something happens all over again? I swear some of you sit up late at night and plot ways to make other people's lives a living Hell. Well newsflash it's definitely working. Some of you are so selfish and conceited that it makes me sick. I wish I had realized this before all the shit we've gone through had happened, otherwise I probably never would've associated myself with some of you. Take notice I'm using "some of you". Why? Because I have no idea what happened with this latest incident, but being the super-sleuth I am, I have a pretty good handle on things. I'm not as oblivious as I seem.

It seems it always involves the same couple of people, and that bothers me. Mainly because these same couple of people were always the one's that protected me when "bad" things came back around, stood by me when I messed up two times, gave me advice, convinced me I'd make a good father...anything and everything, and now sadly...I really want nothing to do with them. With the exception of one person. He's gained a lot of my respect lately and I'll help him straighten shit out in anyway that I can.

I really shouldn't be writing this. I need to take my medicine and wait for Cam to come back home.

2:19am: What the fuck happened? I'm confused.

Someone clue me in.

Edit: I've been sick with pneumonia. Take pity on me and explain what I've been missing when I pass out 25 times a day and cough up a lung.

10:55am: Time flies when you're having fun
I haven't update in quite some time. Not because I've been busy or because of a lack of events have stopped my creative thinking process, but because I've been far to wrapped up with my soulmate to even begin to think of letting her go long enough to write an entry. Now was the perfect opportunity to write one seeing as how she woke up early this morning to go out and run some errands and I am home alone with the puppies. Not the baby puppy mind you, but just the puppies.

So lets start off a couple days ago shall we? I was panicking on what to get Cameron for her birthday/anniversary (8 months) present. I've done songs, I've done sappy things in general and sort of wanted this one for me to just go all out. The next ones Oscar will be here, so...I don't know. I went crazy. I was talking to my mom a few nights ago while Cam was in the shower and my mom was running through all the things I've done or bought for Cam and she was all "Lets see, you've bought her a car..." and i was like "What? No I didn't." And my mom didn't say anything and I was like "THAT'S WHAT I'LL GET HER". It was really quite funny. Anyways, it pays to have your face in stupid magazines and have videos on MTV that never get paid because walking into the dealership the next day and purchasing the car was easier than trying on shoes. The morning of her birthday, Ben went out early to pick it up for me and left it in the driveway for me to surprise her with. I'm assuming based on her reaction she loves it. The look of pure happiness and shock on her face when I told her that it was for her, was memorable. I love when she gets that happy and spastic.

Yesterday, was my turn to get babied for whatever reason. Not that I'm complaining at all, but yesterday wasn't anything special for me. Just another day, ya know? She mimicked my actions by taking me to the bathroom, stripping me, helping me in the tub, and giving me a bath. She washed my hair for me. I don't wish that on anyone because my hair can be a pain in the ass to wash. It felt so good though, to have her massaging my head like that. She climbed in with me, and well...to put it lightly, a new place was added to our list. :D

Yesterday we went out cruising in her car, SHE LET ME DRIVE :D :D, and we stopped by the pet store. I fell in love with this baby puppy..the exact kind like Oliver and Henry, and he was the runt of the litter, and oh my God, he's so cute. I was cradling him in my arms and he fell asleep, and his bark was just a little yelp, and his paws were like the size of...I don't know, but really little. Sigh, Cam convinced me that it's probably not a good idea to get him though what with a new baby on the way, taking car of a newborn and a baby puppy would be really hard. However, I had names picked out for him. Piper, Harry or Oscar. Yes, I know the name "Oscar" is the fetus' name, but I thought since the puppy would eventually be Zach's, and since we really like the name "Oscar" and have grown attached to it, that it might be cool to name the baby puppy after Zach's fetus name so he knows it's always his, and to remind us of what life was like before we actually had Zach here, ya know? I don't know...the puppy was cute. :-[

What else is there to write about...Jewbro was pink yesterday. He spit rainbows for me. I kissed Joel. It was wrong. I spit honey bun on David's chest and got a peice of a honey bun to stick to his neck. Don't ask. Eliza douches things for me. Alison's pig wins. I don't know. This was a pathetic update.

6:16pm: It's a long and hard climb to the top, to build yourself up, to establish a secure friendship, to establish trust in someone, to consider someone family. It's a long and hard fall to crumble, question a secure friendship, begin to lose trust, and lose a family member. It makes one wonder if all the work, fights, blood, sweat and tears was even worth it.

I hate being second best. I don't stand for it. If I'm not the best, if I'm not living to my full potential whether it be as a brother, musician, friend, fiance, anything...I feel as if I've failed.

Perhaps I've failed you.

I feel as if I've been replaced.

9:32am: Fear
Gotta love how the internet has taken such control of our lives that at the fuckin hospital there is an "internet cafe" that those can use. Interesting.

So you're probably thinking "At the hospital? What's that about?" Well, even I'm not entirely 100% sure what it's about and to say that I'm scared of the answer is the understatement of the year. Yesterday things were going really well. Cam and I just laid around and cuddled, not something new but it's always enjoyable as if it were new. I haven't really felt like being very active since I stopped smoking pot, and with her Oscar belly, he tends to take away most of her energy. He's square like that. Anyways, we were cuddling, Cam gets up to get a bottle of water for herself and grab a beer for me (she offered, thank you) when I heard the ice tray crash onto the ground. Now normally I wouldn't have been concerned, but ever since Cam got pregnant I've been much more cautious and mor easily worried than every before. Not only for her but for Oscar as well. (When will I start calling him, Zach? It feels so foregin.) I run into the kitchen and find her hunched over in what appeared to be exruitatin pain. Last time this happened she was told to simply walk around the house, so I attempted to get her to do that, and she seemed to be struggling with more than ever before, clinging to me and barely walking at all when she finally looked at me, her eyes looked so sad and scared, and said "I don't want to walk anymore, Mikey." I know she knows her body and what she is capable of, more than I ever will, so I helped her get back into the living room and lay on the couch. She curled up into a ball, and I just sat there rubbing her side. I wasn't sure what I could do or what she wanted me too. I suggested calling the doctor, which I ended up doing later, and she attempted to convince me she was fine. Had she not flinched when she sat up to talk to me...I might've bought her act. Anyways, she spoke to her doctor who insisted on coming to the hospital, just to ensure everything was OK. I panicked. I have never been that scared before in my entire life. I tried to remain calm though, for her sake. She got all "tough" on me and snapped at me a few times which honestly broke my heart. I can take a lot of shit from people, including her...but during this situation I really was just trying to help and be cautious. Not baby her or treat her like an invalid, ya know? This is both of our first times going through this. Neither of us really know what to do or how to act. But anyways, that's not what this entry is concerning.

They did an examination and I sat there just confused throughout the entire thing. I didn't pay attentiong to waht they were doing, I just sat there watching Cameron. I find myself doing that a lot more now. Ever since she became pregnant...I've had this entirely different outlook on her, myself and our relationship and where it's going. I find her more attractive, both physically and mentally, NOW that she's pregnant than ever before. My admiration for her has sky-rocketed to an entirely different level. She just leaves me in awe now-a-days. I sat there and just watched her, because I was scared. Scared of the outcome, scared that something is/was terrible wrong. Scared for Oscar...but trying to maintain calm, cool, and collected as well. Everyone is perfectly aware that I have an immense hatred towards hospitals due to some circumstances beyond my control, and...to have had to take her there as an emergency and than find out she had to stay the night...practically killed me. I know this may be a bit dramatic and pessismistic on my part, when I've been playing the optimist this entire time, but all I could thing about was what if something was so wrong that we lost Oscar. Or what if something was so wrong I lost Cameron. Or even worse...what if something was so wrong I lost the both of them.

Even now those thoughts keep echoing through my head. I really believe that it is nothing that serious, but at the same time...I can't help but be scared. I didn't sleep a single solitary wink last night. I sat there holding her and repeatedly running my fingers through her hair, constantly checking to make sure she was breathing and resting peacefully. I don't know if her sleep was restless, because she didn't move much, but that could easily because she didn't want to worry me. I don't know.

I snuck out of the hospital bed to come down and write this. She's probably worried, but hopefully she knows that I would never just abandon her here and that I'm actually on my way. This is enough. I need to go take care of my girl.

12:36pm: Perfection
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do was touch her long, blonde hair

I've never been very superficial. I've never liked or not liked someone because of their looks and I detest people that are that low and self absorbed. I think it's pathetic to not give someone a chance simply because they aren't "model material" or have a big nose or shorter than you. As cliche as it sounds it's what's on the inside that counts. However, I feel that everyone is allowed to be superficial on rare occasion. Besides, you can't be with someone, look at them every single day if you're not physically attracted to them even in the least. Some physical attraction is important...but not as important as some people make it out to be.

Now that I have the philosophical, deep portion of this entry out of the way...I think it's my turn to be a bit superficial. I am by far the luckiest man of all lucky men on the entire planet. If you try to say otherwise, you obviously have not taken a look at my fiance. She is absolutely stunning. Everything about her, physically, is perfect. She truly is the epitome of perfection. She's one of those girls that looks good whether she is all decked out in makeup and nice clothes or just in sweats, no makeup and hair pulled back in a ponytail. There are many times where she just looks more radiant than others and it renders me speechless. I can't help but gawk, stare and check her out. Her body is so fit and firm and just oh God, it's amazing. Her Oscar belly makes her even more sexy. Her eyes sparkle, her hair is so blonde and soft. Her freckles make her impossible not to look at. Her birthmark on her neck is one of the sexiest things about her. It makes her stand out. It makes her unique. I love it. What the fuck? She is just far beyond beautiful. There isn't a word to explain how gorgeous she truly is.

Last night we were on the beach and just standing there and I couldn't help but stare at her. I had to tell her how beautiful she is. I keep talking in circles with this entry and keep repeating the same things, but it's almost necessary. I just cannot stress how gorgeous she is. I think I embarassed her when I told her though. Her cheeks turned this adorable shade of pink and she just bit her lip. I just...alsdkjfhlasdf. She's perfect.

You're perfect.

1:41am: D.A.R.E
So, this is what it feels like to finally admit to yourself that you're addicted to a substance. It's very unnerving. It's very uncomfortable. For a lack of better words...it sucks. I don't know what to do with myself now. It's sad.

I can go a day without smoking. If that. Generally speaking though I smoke up every morning. I at least need that. It helps get me going for whatever reason. I don't know, don't ask. I enjoy smoking before I go to bed. Wake-n-bake is what that is. It makes you sleep like a rock and have some really fucked up dreams. Sometimes you wake up with a slight buzz and...it's just a lot of fun. I never preform stoned though. I never have and never will. I want to be there entirely for it. Jose plays stoned, Dirk plays drunk and Kilmore has recently been playing stoned more often than not. Back in the day Brandon would preform stoned but he grew out of that pertty quickly. Ben isn't really into weed as hard as we are, so he is always sober on stage as well...but "hydrates" with a beer. On stage...I drink water. Before I go on stage, I may have a beer or two, but not enough to get me buzzing. I never smoke before going on stage. If I do, I make sure it's hours in advance so I am not baked when I walk on stage. I just don't.

I had to give up smoking today. Yes...had too.

Cameron always promised she would never ask that of me. To give it up for her...but she had good reason to ask today, therefore I cannot be mad or upset about it. She was right. We had a scare with her and Oscar (who, once born will be named Zachary Michael). She started having pains down low and in her back and it got so intense we had to call the doctor to find out what was wrong. It ended up being nothing and walking around the house took care of it, but the situation arose a major issue that we hadn't faced yet. I had smoked about 20-25 minutes prior to when she started having pains, therefore I was baked out of my mind when she started flipping out on me. Now...I can function when I'm stoned. I can think clearly and get things done...but I'm slow about it and I tend to panic more when I see someone else panicking. I have a hard time staying calm. I also refuse to drive if I'm stoned. I won't drive stoned, buzzed a bit from alchohol or completely drunk. I just won't. Cam brought up the point that what if she had had to have gone to the doctors...and I was stoned. Who would've taken us? Would they have gotten there in time? She refuses to ride in an ambulance so it would've been up to me...and I was stoned. It makes sense. I have to be sober until the baby is born so I can take her to the hospital or doctors at the drop of a hat...but it's easier said than done.

I've been a "pot-head" since I was 15. The first time I smoked up was in the Pizza Hut parking lot in Calabassas with Brandon, Jose and Brandon's older brother Darren. Darren was our "supplier" until we got into it so much we found our own way to get it. I was fuckin 15. I loved every minute of it. I had been going through a rough time then and it was sort of an escape, which sounds pathetic now but in a 15 year old's mind it was euphoric. My best friend, besides Brandon, had recently passed away...I was still depressed over it yet had managed to pull myself out of my room and see the light of day...and weed was just there. It was fun. I started out like every other "pot-head". I would smoke only socially. Friday's and Saturday afternoons or early evenings when Darren was around before going out with his friends, he'd offer to smoke us up. Then one day Jose brought over one of his upper classmen friends who was also into weed and we smoked up with him...no Darren. It continued on as being social whenever Jose had his friend over until one day I was walking down the hall with Brandon and we stopped to ask the guy if we could get some of our own. We put our money together...bought some..brought it over to Jose's...and us 3 smoked. From there I would ask him for some...and smoke it on my own. In the garage, in the treehouse...at the park, anywhere where my mom and step-dad weren't around. I would smoke before going to school, and claim it would help me concentrate. I took tests stoned. We'd have rehersal's stoned...but for our gigs I was always sober. I'd study stoned. I was always stoned.

Then it lead to harder things. I've never done crack or heroin or anything and probably never will, but I've dropped acid a few times and tripped shrooms more times than I can count. The acid and shrooms came as we got older and made other friends in the music industry. We're good friends with Hometown Hero, Hoobastank etc etc...and they know people who know people and so forth, ya know? Getting all sorts of shit became way to easy and we definitely took advantage of it.

Throughout the entire writing and recording process of S.C.I.E.N.C.E we were all tripped out on shrooms. Including myself. You'd never know it though. I didn't become a drinker until I was about 22 maybe 23. I was just never into beer or alchohol. I prefered getting stoned and having the munchies to getting drunk and throwing up...but being on tour with different bands once again exposed me to all sorts of other things.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I like pot. That it calms me down, or anything else. I'm very open with my drug use as is my band. Hell, there are pictures of us passing joints around all over the internet and even in the Morning View booklet and the Morning View Sessions DVD. It's not that big of a deal. Or...at least to us it's not.

I never realized how dependant I was on it until it was taken away from me. In a fit of passion I flushed my entire stash down the toilet. I know it was what Cameron wanted. I know it. I always aim to please her and try to make her happy, so I did it with no hesitation. Now I have none. I couldn't even sneak a smoke if I wanted too. Jose is out of town and he's who I get most of my shit from now. I know other people who I could easily get stuff from...but I would never go behind Cam's back like that. I know she needs me sober, so I'm trying. But...it hasn't even been 12 hours yet and I'm going crazy.

I've already got a massive headache which caffeine can't even kill. I'm super fidgety. It's just...it sucks. I hate being so dependant on a substance. I may not be ashamed to admit that I use...but I'm definitely ashamed to admit that I'm 100% hardcore, addicted.

10:52am: Tragedy
Alright, so...I was all happy and content and what not and then get a phone call and now I want to burn my head or something equally as wrong.

I grew up with the guys from Hoobastank. We all went to school together, we all hung out, toked up, surfed together, a lot of things. It was always my band, Hooba (who back then was Hoobustank and should've stayed that thanks) and The Tourists (a.k.a Audiovent). We were always chillin together, so...ya basically we're all real tight. I got a call last night from Brandon, in the middle of the night mind you, letting me know that Dan had been in a motorbike accident. It apparently happened a few days ago, but I've had my cell off because of all the drama with Cameron. I just didn't feel like responding to anyone's calls, so I never got word of it until now. I don't remember exactly what Brandon said because I was half asleep and shocked out of my mind, but I do know it was something about a fractured skull, blood clot, and serious condition. He should be OK in a few days, and their show on the 4th of September hasn't been cancelled...but even still. I'm still freaking out.

Too much shit happens to people I care about. Think back on all the fuckin car accidents you guys have been in. Think of all the times we've gotten too drunk or stoned and scared other people. I lost my best friend in a car accident when I was 14. People should stop getting messed up and stop scaring me, OK?

I'm going through a lot of emotional shit with Cam right now, and the last thing I need is another one of my friends dying on me. Ugh. Just the thought of not having Dan around anymore scares and pisses me off.

I can't write this anymore.

4:06pm: Letters to You
Can't you see that I wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and I'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you on much I know
But I'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

No more looking I've found her

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm gone away...

3:03pm: If I had a dime for everytime you walked away, I could afford to not give a shit

Hmm.

10:27am: What the..
Is it not perfectly evident that I'm an individual? I don't follow the crowd. I don't do whatever else is doing. I do what I want to do. I'm not like everyone else. I don't know how many different ways to say it. I'm just...I'm not. I never wanted to be labeled. I never wanted to be like other people and I certainly never wanted to be compared to one.

That right there has been my greatest fear since I became intimate with Cameron. Well, not even so much intimate but just together. She has more experienced in the relationship department than I ever will. She's had heartbreaks, good times, bad times...everything before I even met her, whereas I had none. Nothing. Zilch. When I found all this out the first time we got together, I was terrified she'd compare me to someone before me. Terrified that things wouldn't work out because I wasn't "as good" as so and so or that one of my quirks was just like a previous' boyfriends. I had heard how a bunch of my friends had gotten screwed over that way, and I never wanted that to happen. I remember the first time it happened to Brandon. The chick said something like "The way you hold me...makes me think about my last boyfriend. He held me like that." What the fuck? You don't say that sort of thing. Don't compare your current significant other to a previous one. It's not fair.

Doing it subconsciously I guess you cannot help, but to even think that I may pull shit that he did is just...ludacrious. I may be an asshole. I may have lied. I may have cheated. I may have broken your heart into a gazillion peices but never in the history of time have I ever kept other chicks around and had you never be good enough. After you told me you love me I have NEVER, and would NEVER dream about saying, "I don't think we should say that anymore." Did he ever openly cry infront of you? Was he ever terrified to lose you? Did he ever have remorse for hurting you? Christ. I'm not like him at all, and it fuckin kills me that even subconsciouly you were comparing me to him. I'm sorry. I know I messed up big time...but that is your problem. Not mine. I have never once, compared you to Katherine. Ever. Or if I have it's been one of those "When I was with Kat...she never really listend to me, but you do" sort of deals. Always praising you and never her.

I'm not sure if I'm more mad than hurt, or what. I know at the moment I'm furious. Maybe it's just the intial reaction to what I just found out and maybe in a few moments I'll be calm and it will all turn to hysteric, depressing, sobs...but at the moment, I'm furious.

I understand you lost your faith and trust in guys because of what he did to you. I get that. I know guys, including myself, have pulled shit over on you more times than necessary. I get that. You have every reason in the world to have doubts for other guys...but what you don't see is what it's doing to me. You don't see it. You see it when I have a quick breakdown or when I bite my thumbnail too short and it starts bleeding. You see it when I stop talking or when I begin to fidget, but that's ALL you see Cameron.

Since the incident on New Years Eve, I've wanted to be with you more than ever. I wanted to be the one to protect you, from anyone and anything. I wanted to be the one that you knew would always be there. I'd always have your back, whether it be as a best friend or more. I make it a personal mission in life to protect you. Since that night, I've also wanted to help restore your faith and trust in the male species, because lets face it, that incident definitely didn't help you trust guys at all. I wanted to show you how much I still loved and cared about you inspite of our past. How just because people make mistakes...how people get hurt...doesn't mean that the person is a bad person. Doesn't mean that the person loves someone any less. Look at how you hurt me...you now know after all that time, that I never stopped loving you. A year without speaking, 2 years worth of lies, and a heart broken into a million peices and I never stopped loving you. I may have talked shit about you, and I may have forced myself not to think about you, and I may have even made it more difficult for other females to get to know me...but the minute you came back around the guard was down. It took a few conversations and reassurance from your side, but the wall came tumbling down, Cameron. Why can I not get your wall to come down now?

Why?

1:42am: Why am I terrified that this is the beginning of the end?

10:01am: It's hard to bare, with no one beside you. You're going nowhere.
Time for a fairly lengthy update, I believe.

Today is the last day of Lollapalooza, which in reality means the last time I'll be playing live for quite some time, unless I am able to get Time Lapse Consortium a few appearances in places until Incubus goes back on tour which definitely won't be some time until after February when our album is tentatively scheduled to be released. We'll see if it's actually ready by then. The recording process this time should prove to be interesting seeing as how Dirk had a major hand in writing songs that we're just now getting ready to record and we have Ben with us now. Ben's a good guy though, I have all the faith in the world in him that the album will sound even better with him. Anyways, today is the last day of tour and...in all honesty that bugs me. It went by so fast. Granted it was a huge emotional rollercoaster the entire time, what with Cam's hormones out of control because of her Oscar belly, and the mere fact that there were approximately 12 of us all piled into our bus the entire time, proved to drive me almost insane. I survived though. I always do, eh? I love preforming live. I already miss it and I haven't even played yet today.

Anyways, enough about touring. No one ever wants to hear about that anyways, right? I didn't think so. Cameron and I were telling stories last night like we always do when we're bored. You'd think just telling stories over and over again would bore us to tears. We know so much about each other as it is, you would honestly think that there isn't much else to know about each other, but there is. There's so much I don't know about her. I want to know every single detail of every aspect of her life. Especially the time frame when we weren't together and the times we have been together. I know the first time we never really said what we were thinking when we were thinking, therefore leaving some sort of mystery to the original relationship, if that makes any sort of sense. Last night I asked her to tell me about a time where I did something to upset her or said something to upset her, and she never told me. Her story? How upset and bothered by the fact that I openly admitted, before Cam and I became serious this time around, how I still loved Katherine. She said that it was always evident when I was starting to feel guilty about spending so much time with her, or feeling guilty about "being with her", which I think in reality means how I started feeling guilty about sitting there, holding her, saying little things that obviously meant how much I still loved Cameron, and how badly I wanted to be with her, giving her little clues that I didn't hate he, falling asleep with the soup blanket with her on her couch, and ultimately fooling around with her on her living room floor...while I was still with Kat. I did feel guilty, but not necessarily why people might think. I mean, yes...I still loved Katherine when I went messing around with Cam, but Cam is my soulmate. Which obviously doesn't justify anything I did behind Kat's back, I'm not trying to justify it because there is no justification for cheating...on anyone, at anytime. But this entry is not about cheating. Cameron mentioned last night that it was almost as if I was reminding myself and Cam that I was still with Katherine and that I did still love her and yadda yadda, which holds some truth. I was more trying to remind myself though. I never wanted to be "that guy" that cheated or went back to his ex-girlfriend in a weak moment. None of the things I did with Cam when I was with Kat were "weak moments" though. They were all things I had been wanting to do since the moment she walked out of my door a year earlier. I was trying to remind myself that I was still with someone. I wanted to remind myself that Cameron had hurt me and that I didn't need to get involved with her again...but I eventually stopped trying. I would randomly start talking abought Kat to Cameron, as if to prove to her that I could be over her and that I was happy without her...but she saw right through me. She knew I wasn't as happy as I could've been. She never once said I should leave Kat and be with her. Never. She would say things with me and Kat were sort of odd since her and I never saw each other there for awhile, but never once told me to leave Kat...for anyone actually. I chose that all on my own. The feelings I held for Cameron were so intense and strong that I had to be with her. I loved and love her more then I could ever possibly love someone else...including Kat. She's my soulmate. She's my better half.

11:36pm: Heads up kids..

Lanie and I are moving into our apartment tomorrow, which sadly means we will not be around until sometime tomorrow evening/night. We arranged to have the cable guy come out tomorrow..so hopefuly he doesn't flake on us and shit. We'll be around tomorrow night.

PAYCE.

12:33pm: Therapy
This is sick. My face is now there three times on my friends page. This never happens. I can almost guarentee that after today I will never update again. I am definitely going over my limit today and being an "update whore".

Therapy is the topic of this next entry. Why? Because a few misconceptions need to be clarified. Just because you go to therapy doesn't mean you aren't able to solve your own problems. When you go to talk to a therapist...the therapist doesn't physically solve your problems. You do. The therapist is just someone who sits there and listens and offers advice and ideas that others have not yet brought to your attention. Therapists are just able to see deeper and able to figure out exactly what's wrong, so that you can fix it yourself. For example, marraige counselors...the counselor doesn't actually fix the marriage but offers different outlets for the couple to fix things on their own. He or she offers an outsiders opinion. Someone who isn't close with either of the parties. One on one therapy is the same thing. They are in no way close to you, not directly or indirectly involved with anything in your life therefore they are able to offer a very clear solution to your problem.

Going to therapy doesn't mean that you're not capable of solving your own problems or taking care of yourself. I cannot stress that enough. It bothers me that people think that. All my life I've been in and out of therapy. Whether it be personal therapy, family therapy or group therapy. Name it and I've done it. I see nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you're weak or any less of a person or unable to care for yourself or someone else. It's just a third, uninvolved party pointing you in the right direction. Ugh.

No more updates. Bye.

10:53am: Alone
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple days...weeks even, and I have come to a conclusion that some may not like, but too fuckin bad, ya know? I've decided once tour is over...I need some serious alone time. I just have to figure out how to do it. There are a few obvious issues prohibiting me just being alone in my house, and responsibilities I need to take care of before being slefish like that. I know Cam is headed for a breakdown, which scares the shit out of me. I really do not want to be there for that. How awful does that sound? It's just because I don't want to see her upset and just...not herself. That'll kill me, but I know if anything she will need me. I of course wll stay strong for her and do whatever she needs me to do, but there is only so much that I'll be able to do seeing as how I need to take care of myself.

I really just want a good week or two to be completely and utterly alone. I want there to be silence that echos through the house. I want to only speak if I'm on the phone or if I'm running a few lyrical ideas through my head, but doing it outloud to see how they sound. I want the only repetitive sound to be Oliver barking or whimpering. I want to be able to sleep for 12 hours straight and not have to worry about anything else while sleeping. I want to be able to hole myself up in my house or my room, or the basement with my guitars and just sit there. Think. Sleep. Eat. Nothing else. Nothing.

I know this is already not sitting well with Cameron. She probably thinks she's done something to make me want to be alone for awhile and what not, and she really hasn't. This is in noway about her. It's about me. I know me, better then anyone else. I know myself like no one else does. When I get stressed out and anxious and heading for my own fuckin break down, I just don't want to be around a single solitary soul...no matter how important to me they are. I just want to be left alone.

Tour has taken a lot out of me this time, and I'm not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Cam was pregnant and the emotional rollercoaster that put both her and I on. I'm definitely physically exhausted, but I'm probably more emotionally drained right now then anything. We've had a few good days...but I know us. It'll all come to a crashing hault here in a day or two and we'll be back where we started. It's a vicious cycle with us. Oh well. Edit: It wasn't a couple of days. More like a matter of minutes.

I don't know why I wrote this. Just venting I guess.