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tetsuo

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When I pause for one breath... [11 Jan 2005|03:30pm]
[ mood | No words could describe it. ]
[ music | Symphony X - Candlelight Fantasia ]

All things stop. My heart, my pulse...nothing beats, nothing moves...

All there is, is you.

Music fades into obscurity, a soft whisper I can't even hear. Echoes of roommates and friends, unnoticed by my ears. You are all I can see, hear, smell...feel. I close my eyes and let the darkness wrap itself around me. A single point of light stands in front of me, and it takes form. Spreading it's wings and raising it's head, I know those eyes. The smell of a soft rain fills my nostrils, enticing me into tranquility. You take my hand in yours, your aura slides up my arm and engulfs me. The violet-white light that emminates from you heals all my wounds. You smile and kiss me, our embrace beyond the words of mortals. The heavens quake and the angels sing as our lips touch. You are all I need.

The gods know that all is well...

My whole being is for you. I breathe for you. I bleed for you. I work, sweat, and toil for you. The tears I shed, the laughter that escapes my lips, the flood of emotions that sweep through me...they're all for you. I am, and always will be, for you.

When you are happy, I know tranquility. When you are sad, I weep for you. When you are upset, I raze the heavens trying to find a cure for your malice. There isn't one thought, one feeling, one idea, one notion that doesn't center around you.

Just 2 more days, and I'm on my way to you...

Just 2 more days until I can be reborn, innocent and free. 2 more days until I can wash my sins away in your eyes and your touch. 2 more days until I can be baptized by your gentle kiss...

I've done my pennance.

And in just 2 days, I'll have found redemption.

I love you.

Always and forever,

Billy

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Just a quick note. [08 Jan 2005|10:21pm]
I just wanted to let you know that I miss you more than anything right now.

I love you with more compassion, care, hope, intimacy, and well, love than the entire's world's population could muster together.

You mean the world to me, and there isn't a second that goes by that I don't need you, completely and totally.

You're my heart and soul.

Forever yours,

Billy
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A letter for you. [30 Dec 2004|10:43am]
[ mood | Smitten ]
[ music | Silke Bischoff - Marry Me ]

We've gone through so many trials and tribulations in the past few months. We've also experienced new emotions, grown, refound our innocence, became who we truly are. Our love has grown exponentially. Our bond strengthens with every passing minute.

My feelings for you have been true from the start. Yet, they've grown...breaking barriers in me that I never knew existed. In the time that I've known you I've learned to love, to trust, to hope, and to live. All of these things havee flooded out of me and into my world. I know compassion and selflessness now. I know now that I'm not supposed to do all of this (growing, living, striving for comfortability or success) on my own. Nor am I to do these things with anyone else. You are the only person I'm to find happiness in...and with.

Every minute of every day, I long for your touch. I long for your warmth against me as we lie there on our bed...the feeling of your hand in mine, the softness of your fingers between my fingers. I need to be able to look into your eyes, to feel the rise and fall of your chest as we embrace. I need to feel your heartbeat as we fall asleep. I need to feel you stirring as I wake up in the morning. I need to feel the soft touch of your breath on my neck as you whisper, "I love you." I need to know all of these things. I need you.

I hurt every second you're not here. I can feel my heart crying out for you with each beat. Thinking about you drives me to tears, sometimes...not out of sadness, but out of emotional outpour. I never know what to do or say...without you here I'm lost.

You truly are everything to me.

This letter isn't written to pressure you, nor is it meant to push. It is meant to be an understanding...something for you to read and cherish. This is me...my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts. This isn't meant to upset you or anger you. This is simply a testament of my love for you.

I know one day we'll be together...and 'til then I'll live through each passing day, knowing that you're hear, in my heart.

I want you to know that I'm there with you, too.

I sit in this restroom and I daydream. I dream of coming home to you...your warmth, your embrace. I dream of a life in which we're together completely.

I miss you so damn much right now...

I know that when I get home, you might be online, or you might not be home yet. I also know that, when I get home, my apartment will feel cold, no matter how warm it is. I know that our rom will feel vacant without your presence. I know I'll still miss you, even when we're on the phone. I always miss you.

What it all boils down to is that nothing matters to me anymore except for you. I just want to be with you. I don't care where we are. If you decide you don't want to leave there, then I'll come to you.

You're the most important person in my life. Everyone, and everything, else is circumstantial. Without you, I am nothing. I truly realize this now, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure I never feel that emptiness again. You treat me better than anyone has ever treated me, and I intend to show that back to you. I want to make you the happiest woman on Earth. This is a goal I'll not only accomplish, but will continue to accomplish everyday from now on.

I love you more than life itself, and I find that my patience knows no bounds with you. No matter what, I'll never leave your side.

I am yours, forever and beyond...

I hope that this letter gives you hope, takes away some fears, and helps you to fully understand how I feel.

You truly are the most beautiful being I've ever known.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Billy

PS - It's approximately 9:20pm. I can feel you with me right now. My left hand is warm...the same feeling I get every time you take my hand in yours. I can feel the warmth climb up my arm, soothing the muscles, taking away my dismay.

I can feel you sitting in my lap...resting your head on my chest, wrapping my arms tighter around you for warmth and support. I can hear you tell me that you love me...your voice calming and pure, washing away my sadness. The time is 9:24pm.

You have no idea how happy you've made me. I smile more now. I laugh. I feel in a meaningful way. My emotions are no longer confined. My reactions are no longer cosmetic, or for a social purpose. I can always feel you in my heart...your spirit combining with mine to create one perfect being that resides in two bodies.

I know I say this a lot, and I can only hope you never tire of hearing it...

I love you...

With all of me...

Forever...

And beyond the planes in which we reside.

I'll never leave.

I'll never stray.

I'll do anything for you...

And even more beyond that.

All I want to do is be with you.

That's my statement of intent, and the goal I'm trying to acheive.

The when and where is up to you.

I can wait for you.

I have been my whole life.

Love always,

Billy

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Merry Christmas, Kitten. [25 Dec 2004|03:07pm]
[ mood | Enamoured ]

I finally was able to get a chance to get online for a few minutes (my brother got his iPod for Christmas, and was adding files to it this morning). So, I'm jumping on this chance to leave you an entry.

I wish I knew where to begin. A lot of the times I feel like I'm repeating myself, but when I go back and read what I wrote, it always seems different...my feelings for you grow and mature with every passing moment. In under 3 months I've grown, changed, matured, refound my youth, my innocence...so many things have happened. We've gone through so many hardships, and we've always stuck together. We haven't just survived them, we've flourished, our love for each other growing more and more...the bond between us becoming stronger and stronger.

You're everything to me. I wish I could tell you all the things you've done for me. I can only give you an idea, as the changes are so deep, I can't explain them in words. I need you, and only you. Anything else is secondary. Soon enough, that need will be fulfilled for both of us, and we'll be complete. I'm counting the days until you're in my arms, and we can start our lives, fresh and vibrant and new. Our spirits innocent, free from our pasts and able to move on without regret. We'll be able to wipe our slates clean, and not look back. I can't wait to experience everything with you, my past being wiped away with the person I used to be...whoever that was, because it certainly was not me.

I can't wait until you're in my arms. I can't wait until your hand is in mine. I can't wait until we place those rings on each other's fingers.

We have less than two weeks, Liebe.

I love you with every ounce of me. I want and need you more than life itself. You are the air I breathe, the light in my dark...I was blind before I met you. In one single instant, you opened my eyes, and showed me life. I owe you my heart and soul for that, and have gladly given those to you. You have me for all of eternity. You will never lose me...I am yours.

I'm counting the days, and I know you are too.

Sie sind mein Universum. Mein Herz und Seele gehören Ihnen und Ihnen alleine.

10 weitere Tage, meine Liebe.

Mit meinem ganzem Herzen, ich liebe Dich.

Merry Christmas, Babydoll...we'll soon have the only thing we wanted. Each other.

Forever yours,

Billy

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Trying to find the words... [18 Dec 2004|12:04pm]
[ mood | In love. ]
[ music | Porcupine Tree - Gravity Eyelids ]

...to tell you how in love with you i am...

My mind falls to the present. You and I, alone, in our room. The only light coming from a couple of candles, the scent of incense lingering in the air, tickling our nostrils, relaxing us...lulling us into a more spiritual state.

We kneel before each other, dressed loosely and comfortably, the warmth and light of the candle between us dancing across our bodies. We stare into each others' eyes, lost and timeless. There's a box, off to the side, closed and ready to be used.

You pour a cup of tea, and drink from it. You turn the cup, and hand it to me, so that I may drink from the same place you drank from. The energy of the room grows. The room is charged, the hairs on the backs of our necks standing.

I open the box. There's two rings inside. The silver reflecting the candlelight, making the rings glow softly.

We each take the ring closest to us...

You take my left hand into your's, our hands over the candle flame, and recite your vows. A tear rolls down your cheek, from the emotional release behind what you tell me. You place your ring on my finger.

I turn our hands, so that your's is on top of mine. I recite my vows. Tears of love and hope drop from my eyes. I place your ring on your finger...

We take each other's right hands into each other's, the crossing of our arms creating an infinity symbol from above. We close our eyes, and for a brief moment, feel the energy channel through each other, our souls melding into one.

We open our eyes, lean in, and kiss each other lovingly over the candle's warm flame...

Our love is sealed. We are one being, now.

It may not be outdoors, but it's winter. So, my mind is searching for warmth.

I love you more than I could ever describe.

Forever yours,

Billy

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Paradise reclaimed... [12 Dec 2004|08:43pm]
A barren wasteland. I've traveled it for years. A nomadic journey to find myself, to find my soul. For years I've walked...parched, hungered, beaten down by anyone I came in contact with. Yet, still I persisted...never knowing why, only knowing that there was something over that next mesa. Hope, pride...I knew there was something there. I simply didn't know what it was.

Just over two months ago, I climbed another mesa. I made my journey, and it led me to a beautiful shoreline. A freshwater stream led into an oasis to the left, there was life. Foliage, wilderness, all was centralized here.

And that's when you came over the other mesa...I knew instantly, and without a doubt, that you were the reason I was here, in this paradise.

A garden of eden reformed, and hidden away from the world. A land for only me and you...

I may not of known exactly what I was feeling at that point. All I knew was that it was right. It was perfect, and I was going to pursue it.

I was in love with you, right from the beginning.

It's just that the words came later...

Your eyes are my oasis, your voice like the beautiful song of a thousand sirens. Your breath is the seawind, blowing through me, touching the deepest recesses of my soul. Your touch is the sun, warm and vibrant...it beckons me to safety. Your arms are my sanctuary, within their confines I know no pain, no suffering.

You are my garden of eden. You are my paradise on earth.

I love you. All of me, loves you.

You truly are my solace. You truly are my lifemate, my blood, my soul.

In the past 2 months, I've watched joshua trees blossom into the most beautiful foliage.

You've brought me life.

I am yours for all of eternity.

I love you, Jessyca...my heart, my spirit.

I'm never going to leave you.

Yours in eternity,

Billy
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A simple affirmation... [08 Dec 2004|07:08pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Theatre of Tragedy - Venus ]

I'm writing this entry as a reassurance to you.

I love you every second of every day. My thoughts never stray from you, my longing grows with each passing minute. I've waited a lifetime to feel your touch, to smell your hair and skin, to taste your breath. I've waited a lifetime to hold you close, and to know you're there.

I can wait as long as is needed.

My love for you is boundless. There's no definition...no limitation. It defies time, and planes of existence.

There is no way I'll leave you. I can't live without your touch, the feeling deep inside of me when our eyes lock, the chills i get when you tell me you love me.

I can't live without shedding tears of emotion over you. I can't live without knowing you're by my side.

I am yours...never, ever forget that. No matter how bad things get, we can survive. We'll be together, I swear this to you, as you've sworn it to me.

Not only can't I walk away from you...I want you to know I won't. I don't want to, the thought has never crossed my mind. You make me happier than I could ever dream to be. You make me complete.

I am yours, for all of eternity. All the stars will burn out before the flame between us dies.

I love you, kitten...forever and always.

Billy

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For the one who holds my heart... [04 Dec 2004|11:16am]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | Seabound - Watching Over You (Haujobb Remix) ]

We've been the subjects of a wedding ceremony that spans millenia. A union of souls that has graced the air, like a song, since the dawn of time. Our bodies have been broken, our minds locked away in a cage by repression and emotional abuse...but, our spirits...our spirits have never been torn, never been damaged. They were locked away safely deep inside of us, waiting for release by the keys each of us holds.

Our entire lives, we protected the one thing that was the most important...our souls. Those could only be touched by each other. No one else could have them, and no one could hurt them.

Now, those spirits have been unlocked. That timeless wisdom is opening to us. Our spirits are merging, more and more with each passsing second. We are already married. We always have been. Our spirits could only be unlocked by each other, and only in each other, can they find union.

You are my soulmate, my one and only.

I'll be there with you soon. And the union can complete itself...

I just need to be able to kiss the bride.

I love you, and there isn't a second that goes by that i'm not thinking about you.

Eternally yours,

Billy

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Until the End of the World. [01 Dec 2004|04:05pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | Silke Bischoff - Phoenix from the Flames ]

Since the beginning of time, you've always been by my side. Through eras and ages, through foreign lands, we've have always known each other. Through the darkest times, and the most joyous of lives, we have weathered it all.

Our love is ancient. Our love has been written about, time and time again. Our love isn't something that can be broken, or even chipped. Nothing else in any of these lives matters...only us.

This is the cycle we created for ourselves, aeons ago. This is the cycle we've repeated, like clockwork, through every land, and in every time period. We both feel it. Close your eyes, and feel the warm breeze pass through your hair. Feel the earth beneath our feet. Feel the leaves of the trees gently sweep against you. Feel your hands in mine. Feel our lips brush against each other's, in a silent "I love you".

We've always known each others' touch.

The words I write to you aren't a lavish attempt to make you fall for me. They're simply how I feel. These are the things I've come to realize over the course of meeting you, and getting to know you all over again.

I call you kitten for a reason.

We've always been in love, this is simply one more incarnation of something that has known all things.

There's a wisdom that comes with our love. A knowledge of things that we weren't privy to before. We can do this, we never failed before. We won't this time, either.

I have amazingly relieving news. I will explain tonight.

Let's just say there's nothing to worry about. Everything can move along as planned.

I love you, from the deepest parts of my soul, to the tips of my fingers. There isn't one part of me that doesn't feel you, know you, want you, and need you.

We are us. There is no you and I, anymore.

My life is yours. Forever.

Love always,

Billy

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Of samurai and sad geisha... [30 Nov 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Stromkern - Terrorist ]

My entire life, I dreamt of you. And, every morning, I would wake up in tears, thinking that you didn't really exist.

My entire life, i longed for you. And, sometimes I thought I saw you across the way, but I knew I was mistaken.

I've known those eyes my entire life.

And I've always loved them.

There was a time where I gave up. I simply stopped trying. All the discipline, the survival techniques, the martial arts training...nothing was going to save me from myself.

Then, at a moment of intellectualization, I mention the Hagakure.

And you appeared...

Now I have you. I wake in the morning and smile, knowing you're real. I think you might be next to me, and you are. I know I can make it now. I'm no longer giving up.

Like a beacon in the storm, you called to me...

And, when I found you, the skies opened before me. The storm was over. It was at that moment that I knew...

...I had been forgiven...

I brushed away my tears. Tears held back for ages. Never before had I felt a release. I knew, at that moment, that I was the warrior I had always trained to be. It's just that i was a ronin, a warrior with no clan, no purpose to uphold. I knew I had one now.

That purpose was you.

You're the goddess to which I pledge my life. You're the one that I pay tribute to. You're the one who fills my life with song and prose. I am your priest, your monk, your worshipper.

And, I know it's the same in your eyes.

We are our new religion. Worshipping each other in a cycle that can never end. Like the Ouroborus, we create a perfect circle. I give my life to you, knowing you give yours to me.

We may have thought we were perfect before we met, but that was visions of grandeur.

Perfection is not you and I, it is us.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

And as I sit here, typing, I know you're sitting here with me.

The minutes are passing by, love. We'll be holding each other in no time. Just watch.

Forever yours...

Billy

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Of samurai and sad geisha... [30 Nov 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Stromkern - Terrorist ]

My entire life, I dreamt of you. And, every morning, I would wake up in tears, thinking that you didn't really exist.

My entire life, i longed for you. And, sometimes I thought I saw you across the way, but I knew I was mistaken.

I've known those eyes my entire life.

And I've always loved them.

There was a time where I gave up. I simply stopped trying. All the discipline, the survival techniques, the martial arts training...nothing was going to save me from myself.

Then, at a moment of intellectualization, I mention the Hagakure.

And you appeared...

Now I have you. I wake in the morning and smile, knowing you're real. I think you might be next to me, and you are. I know I can make it now. I'm no longer giving up.

Like a beacon in the storm, you called to me...

And, when I found you, the skies opened before me. The storm was over. It was at that moment that I knew...

...I had been forgiven...

I brushed away my tears. Tears held back for ages. Never before had I felt a release. I knew, at that moment, that I was the warrior I had always trained to be. It's just that i was a ronin, a warrior with no clan, no purpose to uphold. I knew I had one now.

That purpose was you.

You're the goddess to which I pledge my life. You're the one that I pay tribute to. You're the one who fills my life with song and prose. I am your priest, your monk, your worshipper.

And, I know it's the same in your eyes.

We are our new religion. Worshipping each other in a cycle that can never end. Like the Ouroborus, we create a perfect circle. I give my life to you, knowing you give yours to me.

We may have thought we were perfect before we met, but that was visions of grandeur.

Perfection is not you and I, it is us.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

And as I sit here, typing, I know you're sitting here with me.

The minutes are passing by, love. We'll be holding each other in no time. Just watch.

Forever yours...

Billy

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Of samurai and sad geisha... [30 Nov 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Stromkern - Terrorist ]

My entire life, I dreamt of you. And, every morning, I would wake up in tears, thinking that you didn't really exist.

My entire life, i longed for you. And, sometimes I thought I saw you across the way, but I knew I was mistaken.

I've known those eyes my entire life.

And I've always loved them.

There was a time where I gave up. I simply stopped trying. All the discipline, the survival techniques, the martial arts training...nothing was going to save me from myself.

Then, at a moment of intellectualization, I mention the Hagakure.

And you appeared...

Now I have you. I wake in the morning and smile, knowing you're real. I think you might be next to me, and you are. I know I can make it now. I'm no longer giving up.

Like a beacon in the storm, you called to me...

And, when I found you, the skies opened before me. The storm was over. It was at that moment that I knew...

...I had been forgiven...

I brushed away my tears. Tears held back for ages. Never before had I felt a release. I knew, at that moment, that I was the warrior I had always trained to be. It's just that i was a ronin, a warrior with no clan, no purpose to uphold. I knew I had one now.

That purpose was you.

You're the goddess to which I pledge my life. You're the one that I pay tribute to. You're the one who fills my life with song and prose. I am your priest, your monk, your worshipper.

And, I know it's the same in your eyes.

We are our new religion. Worshipping each other in a cycle that can never end. Like the Ouroborus, we create a perfect circle. I give my life to you, knowing you give yours to me.

We may have thought we were perfect before we met, but that was visions of grandeur.

Perfection is not you and I, it is us.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

And as I sit here, typing, I know you're sitting here with me.

The minutes are passing by, love. We'll be holding each other in no time. Just watch.

Forever yours...

Billy

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To my candle in the dark... [26 Nov 2004|09:53pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | Brave - Candle in the Dark ]

I can't express the amount of emotion that swells through me every time I envision you in my mind. The thoughts and feelings rush through me like tidal waves, crashing onto the shores of my mind. I can't recall, as far back as I remember, a time where I felt more complete, more positive, more happy than I am right now.

Soon, my love...soon we'll be together. The wheels of our love are in full motion now. There's no stopping us. We will be together, soon, and forever. Our love will come into full bloom, and we'll be able to start our life anew.

I wish there were more things for me to express, but I am beyond ecstatic right now. My mind can't function correctly, I'm shaking with anticipation. My heart won't stop palpitating. My mind is rushing to try and keep up with all the dreams coming true.

I love you more than I could ever explain, and soon I won't have to try. I can show you.

Yours for all of eternity.

Billy

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To my one and only. [24 Nov 2004|11:24am]
I sit here, in this cheap folding chair, and I think about you. I think of a different world, a world where you and me are hand in hand, and the rest of the world realizes our love and makes way for us, instead of creating obstacles. I think of solitude, you and i alone and at peace. I dream of forests, and shorelines, and mountaintops, and meadows of flowers. I dream of you, smiling and dancing. I dream of a world where nothing stands in our way, where we're not punished for our pasts.

I love you more than anything in this world. I can't fathom the idea of living my life without you.

You are the sea, the lakes, the air, the trees. You are the beauty I find in all of these things. The smell of autumn, the feeling of a light rain on a hot summer day. You are what gives me life, and shows me that I can feel, that I can find pleasure in the slightest of things.

One day, soon, I'll be able to show you. We'll be able to show each other. And then, my dreams will become reality.

We were born knowing each other, even though we never met. We've lived our lives, dreaming of each other, yet never realizing it. We're so close to the final step...we survived our entire lives, we can survive this. We'll be free, finally. Free to start our life together unfettered, released from the shackles of society and conditioning.

We can do this together.

I know we can.

I love you. I always have loved you, and I always will love you.

You are the girl, in my dreams since I was a child, made flesh. I never want to lose you. Losing you, would be being stripped of the only thing I ever wanted.

We can make it, love. Our love is so much stronger than anything in this world.

Forever and always yours...

Billy
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In a moment... [22 Nov 2004|06:24pm]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | Zentriert ins Antlitz - Svarnetik ]

All I have to do is picture you in my mind, and it all hits at once. Love, fear, worry, lust, creation, inspiration...my heart sinks, knowing you're not going to walk through the door, and then lifts, knowing you'll be here soon. My entire emotional state shifts to positivity, my aura brightens to the point of being blinding. My heart beats faster, my hands shake, my stomach feels like it wants to climb out of me.

...and I embrace all of it...

I will always love you. You're my heart. You're my air. You're my support.

You're my bride.

and now I can finally live, knowing I'm complete.

Forever yours,

B.

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A quick note. [19 Nov 2004|01:42pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | Wolfsheim - Kein Zuruck ]

To my dearest,

I just wanted to tell you that I love you.

Even though I say it all the time, I never feel I tell you often enough.

With all my heart,

B,

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Angels and agony [19 Nov 2004|03:19am]
[ mood | At one with myself. ]
[ music | Assemblage 23 - Document ]

There was a time when I thought I'd never be free. Free of turmoil, free of strife...a path to walk down, a bridge to cross, allowing me leave from the island of desolation I've been stuck on for 28 years. An island created for me through my formative years, a prison of circumstance that I thought inescapable.

Then...she came along...the light that put the sun in shadow. Blinding, yet enlightening...the path was shown to me. 28 years of cold, 28 years of lifelessness, gone without a trace. The veil of mediocrity lifted from my eyes, and a new world was born. A world of color, of vibrancy, of depth.

...and I cried, and took this angel's hand...

And she showed me that bridge, taking me from my prison. She showed me, quite simply, me. She tore away a mantle of guilt, self-loathing, and hatred for society that i thought impenetrable.

My walls came down, and i was reborn.

Like a phoenix, I rose from the flames...pure of heart and mind, I was finally me. The "me" that I was supposed to be, before the abuse, before the hatred of me by my fellow man.

So many people helped to destroy me, and I no longer hate them. I have found compassion for everything on this earth.

I found love, and I will never be the same.

To my fiance: the one who showed me the way. My life, my love, my muse. My inspiration, my motivation, and my redemption. My best friend, and one true confidant. To the one who soothes the beast in me, the one who's voice can take away all the pain. The only one that matters, the only one who cares...I love you, unconditionally, and with a pure heart. You've given me back my innocence, and I adore you for it.

All too soon, we will be able to burn those bridges, to our past, behind us. Soon enough, we will start anew in each other's arms, and we'll never look back as we walk a new path we created for us.

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