| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Limp Bizkit: Break Stuff |
] |
I feel like yelling obsenities at the top of my lungs and letting them echo through out the house. No one would hear me but the neighbors. It's like everythings a wave; it gets to a high peak and then comes crashing down.
Things with Jacob are perfect. So I mess them up to be with Dan. Why? Because I'm scared to death of having someone love me back, and I know with Dan, he'll let me get as close as he wants me, but never as close as someone should be. In other words, I'll fall for him, and he'll push away. I'll get hurt, and because that's what I'm used to, having Jacob love me wholey scares me to death. The thing is, I don't think Dan honestly wants anything from me. It's probably all some idea of good fun. And that's fine. It's all fine.
Ashley wants to talk to me. Right. Cause I'm in the mood to listen to him yell at me for what I did to Rachel. It was an accident. *winces and runs his hand lightly across his head* I just wanted her to listen. I would never ever, you know? But all that doesn't matter now. Nothing does.
I want to scream. I want to have a hissy fit like a 3 year old child who can't have what they want. I want to break down and cry, and not care who hears or sees. I want to kick in a few walls, and be allowed to be angry.
It seems like all I know how to do is run. Like when everything gets to be too much for me, my mind gets the idea I have to bail out, and go somewhere else, because I can't handle it. That's how I got here. * looks around at the empty house* Now I want to leave again.
Look, Jacob, You asked me to come home. I know your expecting to wake up to me in your arms, and tell you everything, and then for you to hold me when I cry. I wont be there *shakes head* Theres somethings I have to do. I'm not ready to come home, and I don't want to. I'm not ready to have Ashley yell at me, or to talk to Dan. Most of all, I'm not ready to be around you. I'll try to be there tomorrow. I'll try. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.
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