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mood |
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aching |
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music |
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J's light snoring, my heart racing |
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*sighs deeply and stares at J asleep in his bed*
The beach is really beautiful at night. It's quiet there. Peaceful. The waves crash against the sand, and for once you can feel totally consumed in yourself.
I had to bail out on J. I just couldn't sit there and let him watch me break down. It's not fair to him. So I left him. Honestly, J will probably never want to come back to the O-house. Between Jake's " You shouldn't come back either" and my bailing on him, I could see why not.
But *sighs* I had to go. I had to. I did what I always do. I drove to Publix and sat in the parking lot. I had to do my Erik thing *laughs* My trademark. Help someone else when I'm hurting most. *nods* I always find someone who seems like they need a few dollars. It's the least I can do, you know? Except last night. Seeing that lady, with 9 little kids, dirty faces and patched up clothes. *nods* I knew it was her this time. *shakes head* She wouldn't take my money. Said by the look on my face and the pain in my eyes, I needed it more than she did. I guess that was God's way of saying...Erik you've got to deal with this, and you can't run away.
So I went to the beach. Sat there and stared at the vast nothingness. There's a fishing pier that goes out pretty far in the water. I was wondering what it would be like to walk that far out. Would the water be over my head? Do sharks come that close? It's morbid to think that way, but I really wanted to know.
I feel like I'm drowning anyway. Like my feelings for him, and this pain went over my head and I have no control. I want to be in control and I will be.
*looks over at J, grabs a piece of paper and jots a note*
J and Guys,
I had to do this. You know me. Every thought in my head says to go. So I am. I don't know where, or for how long. J I'm sorry, I'm a bad friend to do this to you. I just have to. I'm sorry. Don't be mad you guys, or hurt because I'm running. It's not like it's forever. As you see, I'm leaving my phone here. I don't want to talk. I'll take my laptop with me, I guess. Just you know, let me have space. I love you. I do. You know that. I..I..I gotta leave now.
Erik
*pushes away the paper, takes the phone and goes into the hallway Dials Tara's number and gets voicemail* Hey my beautiful. I know you're asleep right now. I wanted to leave a message. I'll be gone for a small amount of time. Clear my head and stuff. Look, Tare Bear, be safe and be smart. For me please. I'll get a hold of you when I get back. I love you my beautiful." *sighs deeply then hangs up*
*dials Brit and gets voice mail* B, B, B. It's Erik. I know you're visting your famil right now. I hope they are good. Tell Jamie Lynne Hi for me. I miss you Brit. *sighs* I told him. *feels tears start to build up* Look. watch over J for me. Take care of him. I'll be out of town for a while. it's a vacation. *pauses for a moment* a vacation. I'll call you when I get home. B, if you need me remember what I said. Close your eyes, cross that heart. I'm listening. Look, I love you Brit. I miss you. Enjoy your family time. *hangs up and quietly goes back into the room to pack, laying the phone beside his note*
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