Date:	2004-08-03 08:49
Subject:	pink or blue?
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

so i found out yesterday some disturbing news.... first of all, my gastroenterologist tells me they want to do another scope and biopsy because the last scope he had a hard time going through my pyloris....and wants to rule out cancer.... then about an hour later i see my regular md and find out im 5-6 weeks pregnant. i was shocked needless to say, although i had been thinking it was a possibility for about a week... nausea, tenderness....explains why i have been so incredibley tired and depressed. i guess my body ignores birth control. i had a hard decision to make. im divorced, poor, have one child already and definately not ready for another one. i have so many plans coming up and within the next year, that would be impossible to do with a baby. the father is there for me and cares, so thats positive. he supports whatever decision i make, which i have already made. i know ill be fine.

Date:	2004-07-15 11:41
Subject:	sporatic blurb
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

sheesh this heat is nasty. it was 100 yesterday... thankfully i have a/c so it stays pretty nice in my house.... the moment i walk out the door i go into shock though. :|

i finally told seth how i felt and basically "broke things off" with him if thats possible to do with a non-boyfriend. it finally got to the point where i was being annoyed by his presence and he was smothering me. everyone has been telling me to ditch him since the day he started stalking me, lol.... i told him i wanted to still be friends and he does too, but we shall see- i think i pretty much smashed his heart into little pieces...guess he won't be taking me to Hootie this month- lol.... :p

sean has been living it up in missoula, if that in itself is possible to do.... however, im jealous of the fact he has had so many days off- i wanna vacation!!! i think im getting august 26-30 off and i might go down to portland to see my family and go to the beach, im going through withdrawals..... i am going to send out my resume for different clinics that are willing to pay more and in full time so i can quit heart arrow... the clinic isn't busy enough for what i wanted to get out of it. i will stay with PEC though- that's the best thing to have on your resume in this field :)

i do have this friday off and sean and i are going to hang out... hes going to make me ride my bike-- but after that it better be relaxing! lol.... i had to dig my bike and rack out of storage and i cant remember how the rack goes on my car- ought be interesting....

eric and i had a long conversations about each other.... i told him that i really like sean- differently than the other guys he knows i was seeing... i suppose maybe because he reminds me a bit of eric on some level.... im not sure how though... maybe it's the way that they are both very honest....because they are pretty much different besides that.... im not too sure what to do about how i feel right now... i do know that i like sean very much and like to see where this takes us...

for now, i must get ready for work...again....-groan- AND a cat bit me yesterday! in all my years, ive only been bitten once when i was 11 by a shar pei and now a damn cat! who was to know he had affection aggression-- ie, he acts all lovey when you pet him and then bites you... grrrr

but yay! today is my saturday :|

Date:	2004-05-04 10:05
Subject:	what did she say?
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

well, today ive decided to put [some things] in an online journal.... who the hell is really going to read this crap? not that it matters, the point is for therapeutic reasons i suppose. i work too much and my life has become quite overloaded and stressful, so i am using this as a healing tool.

my doctor started me on straterra yesterday. for those of you not-so-medically-smart, its an ADD drug. yep, thats right, ive got the adult add. apparently my sister has it as well and was diagnosed with it when she was 8 because she was failing 3rd grade. then there was me, who was a whiz in school- skipped 2nd grade. for me school was something i thought was easy and wanted to speed through it. i was dx'd with ADD at the age of 19 and thought the dr was crazier than me. however, now at 25 and a year after my divorce, ive discovered trying to balance my life on my own was something i could not do, so i bucked up and went in for a magic pill so i could pay my bills on time and do my dishes.

they first rx'd me with Adderall back in april 2003, but i didnt feel it was helping much so they gave me Ferndex (dexedrine). talk about a wonderful drug. nothing like legal cocaine. people thought i was the most organized person in the world on that stuff. however, the addiction properties made me want to try something a little less controlling and taking it every 4-6 hours sucked. that and having to go see my dr once a month for a refill was getting inconvenient when i was out and couldnt get an appointment. so, we shall see what straterra will do for me. so far ive become quite tired (also due to dexedrine withdrawal), which is normal and a sign that i do in fact have ADD because if i didnt- it would wire me or do nothing at all. we will give it a couple of weeks and go from there. her and a psychologist i saw were contemplating on whether or not i had bi-polar, which is basically extreme ADD, so being on the straterra should rule that out since bi-polar ppl usually get very agitated, irritated & wired when on straterra.

anyways, thats my latest news.