| Long time no see... |
[05 Jul 2005|11:58am] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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music |
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"Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard |
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Wow alot has happened since the last time that I updated. I guess all i can say is that I needed a break...some time to clear my head before this trip. But of course so much other stuff has happened that i could probably spend all day here updating on the craziness that has been the past 2 months. Trust me, I'll definetly try to update. Right now, I'm just beginning my trip. I'm in Los Angeles for the next couple of days before i go to Australia. And so far it has been amazing. (except for the fact that these internet cafes are so expensive...colleen, I definetly know what you mean) So i decided to keep a written journal while I'm here and just update this one with those entries when i get the chance. So stay tuned...more pics and posts from LA and Australia coming soon. Until then, take care!!!
Luv always,
Candice
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| Thought of the day |
[09 May 2005|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
~James A. Baldwin
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| I miss you so much that I don't know what to say |
[07 May 2005|01:48am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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"6,8,12" ~ Brian Mcknight |
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The other side of my room now is completely empty. Sarah moved out today and I miss her already. You don’t realize how attached you are to someone until they are no longer there. My roomie is gone; I’m alone…and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve tried sleeping but my efforts to do so have been in vain because of the nauseated “someone punched you in the stomach” feeling that has been bothering me lately. I don’t know what it is…maybe it was something I ate, or stress and anxiety from the past few days, maybe I’m getting sick again or maybe certain thoughts in my head are just making me sick…
I wish I wasn’t alone right now…I think I’ve called just about everyone in my phone book that I know I can call at 1am. And while it did help for a while to talk to people, once I get off the phone, I’m alone again….alone with these thoughts that I’ve been avoiding…
It would mean everything in the world to me if he saw me the way that I see him…For me to wish this, would almost parallel someone dreaming the impossible dream. I knew when I first started liking him that he would never feel anything for me…EVER!!! I mean that’s no newsflash and that’s never going to change. And usually when things are immutable that makes them easier to accept. Why does this have to be the one exception? Every time I think about things they just hurt even more. It’s something that’s a part of me now. It’s written all over my face for everyone to see and point and laugh and say, “Look there goes that girl who was stupid enough to think that she had a chance!” I mean that’s the least of it…I wasn’t just stupid enough to think that I had a chance; I actually believed that I was more to him that just some girl that listened to his talk about the women in his life. I mean I’m not even ranked close to the “women” in his life. How STUPID of me to even approach that idea!!!! I had him as a friend, a very close confidant, and it should have stayed that way. No lines crossed. I should have just continued rolling along ignoring what I feel. Why? Because I just don’t deserve him. I’ve known this since the first day that I looked into his eyes. No sculptor could ever mold me into something that would be worthy of him. In spite of every bit of praise that has been carelessly thrown my way, I’m not good enough. And I never will be…
There’s so much I’ve tried to just purge myself of these feelings…I’ve filled page upon page of my journal with everything I know and with everything I wish I had the guts to say. At this point, I don’t intend to let anymore spill out of me… I learned my lesson about sharing my feelings when I let the words “I love you” escape my mouth a couple months ago. Once again, I have proved that Love doesn’t reward courage, friendship or faithfulness.
I just wish this whole thing never happened….
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| Learning to swim against the current.... |
[27 Apr 2005|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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"You and me" ~ Lifehouse |
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Even though the rain paints the outside with hueys of grey, I'm happy to say that this doesn't reflect the way that I'm feeling today. For the first time in a month long stream of disappointments and failures, I feel content with myself. There are still things that are broken and need to be fixed, but for now I'm just trying to focus on the things that are actually going well and the things that I have control over. The past couple days have been awesome not necesarily because great things have happened but just because I've been so focused! Its amazing. I set up a schedule for finals studying and even though its a bit overwhelming and it has literally taken up all my time, I've been sticking to it and I'm on top of things. (which is good, cause i have to be on top of things since I have both Physics and Biolab on the first day...OUCH!!) Last night I finished my studying stuff and I was able to go and see my friend Peter's Band (Atlantic Skyline ) play and he was amazing as always. (who knows I might even get to sing with them one day...we'll see :) ) I aced my Physics Practice exam and kept my composure during an unexpected and nerve-racking phone call! And on top of that I was actually able to get some sleep last night. SCORE!! Today has been great so far. I got back my calc exam and got a 100++ on it. Do you know what that means?!!! Perfection!!! For a moment in time. It felt so great cause I know I worked my butt off for that grade and I lost so much sleep worrying about it. It's just taken a weight off my shoulders for that final cause now all I have to do is get a high C or better on the final and I'm set cause right now I have the highest grade in the class. That feels so great especially since things haven't been going that great in my other classes lately. So that's another thing I have to be thankful to God for. So all in all, I think that I'm going through a period of stabilization. Maybe everything isn't going the way that I want them to go and maybe I'm not doing that great at certain things that I want to be doing great in right now, but I have to learn to try to make the best of the situation and use the things that are going right to bolster my confidence. I have the whole summer to deal with emotions that can't be fixed right now and two weeks to finish my sophmore year of college... So for now I'll just keep my eyes set on what's immediately in front of me and let everything else fall into place
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[26 Apr 2005|11:25pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
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"I'm flawed...
but I'm cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself"
~"Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional
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