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I live my life a quarter mile at a time... [28 Feb 2003|12:51pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Meet You There: Simple Plan ] because if I didn't... I'd go crazy. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. This game of life is gonna kill me before I'm legally allowed to drink. Sue and I got into a fight, I guess you could say. She's mad at me. I guess my joke wasn't so funny. Well, I brushed that off for a while and worked on some school crap for next year and my dad decides that he's not going to help me financially for next year. Yeah... that hit hard. Then he responded with, "I have more important things to do." Ouch. Big dagger to the heart... let me tell you. I got up, punched my dresser and made quite a nice dent, got my shit together and peaced the hell out. I drove around looking for jobs so I could make some quick money on the weekends to be able to afford my tuition, 'cuz I'm not stupid yanno... I know I won't make it out there without an education, but there aren't many jobs around here except fast food, so I debated on driving to Lowell, for obvious reasons, and then went to Barnes and Noble to do some reading. I read three books. I got back to the dorms after 11pm, low and behold when I get service back on my cell, it starts ringing off the hook... how many times do you have to tell someone that you just don't want to talk about it before they get the hint. Needless to say, no one got the hint and I got bitched out by Jo in a voicemail, which my roommate and I could both hear without having it up to our ears. I didn't want to be near anyone last night, didn't want to talk to anyone... well, there are about two people that I would've talked to, had I gathered balls and decided to call them. Why subject them to the stuff going on in my life? Those people don't need it, yanno? I've been independent for a long time, dealt with a lot of shit by myself, and I'm learning to handle it all... and I don't need a roadmap to tell me where I'm going. I just want someone to hug me and tell me these things are going to pass over, things will get easier and that I'll be okay because sometimes i'm just not so sure. Its been a long hard road without you by my side... why weren't you there all the nights that we cried? You broke my momma's heart, you broke your children for life. It's not okay, but we're all right. I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes.. but those are just a long lost memory of mine I've spent so many times thinkin' how to survive... shoot for the moon

March Madness timeeee [25 Feb 2003|11:44pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | East Coast Anthem: Good Charlotte ] SNHU Penmen rock man, that's all I've gotta say. We kicked the shit outta UMass Lowell tonight. Our section was the loudest, thank you very much... with the chanting of "You're over-rated!" Ohh.. the best part.. my cell going off in the middle of the national anthem. I wasn't a favorite among some people... Soto and Larabee had a hell of a game. Its sad that they are seniors.. :( My grades aren't doing too bad, I don't think. I got an 89 on my Lit exam, which was fuckin' awesomee! I have an exam on Monday in Stats, another next Wednesday in Philosophy. Blah on exams. My father and I aren't really talking. Yeah, he called me during the national anthem and I had to hang up the phone and shut it off. I got a nasty voicemail. Nice to be loved, isn't it? Yeah, totally not feelin' love lately, but that's fine yanno? Whatever on most people's part. shoot for the moon

Kick me... [23 Feb 2003|06:16pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | Hold On: Good Charlotte ] This weekend has been far from what I expected. I haven't been at the dorms too much because I've had a lot to accomplish. My father fixed my computer this weekend and I think he went through it and read my journal as well. I'm not too happy about that at all, despite the fact that its online, they are my personal thoughts and my feelings through the hardships of my life. I don't know if I'm more upset or angry. I heard him and my mom arguing downstairs about it. He says I'm writing bad stuff about him on the internet. Is this bad? Is it horrible to vent the pain I have inside? One of Matt's cousins was in the NightClub Fire in Rhode Island. That person is on the missing list. My mom and I are wondering if our two cousins were there too. It's just horrible. I've dropped a few pant sizes... so I noticed today. I'm losing mad weight. I called Linds this afternoon cuz I was about to lose it... gawd, what is wrong with me lately? shoot for the moon

Things left unsaid... [22 Feb 2003|11:10pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Somewhere Out There: Our Lady Peace ] This week has been long, really long. I'm not sure how I am going to do this semester because my grades just suck. I've been trying to pick it up, but its just been rough. I don't know what to do. Joana basically called me a baby for being depressed, like its really something I can help. It hurt, but I'll get over it. My uncle Roger called my mom tonight when I was at home and she gave me the phone. He was like, "You need to take care of your mom right now because she's not doing well. I know how she feels because I went through it with your Aunt Laurie. She doesn't have many people, so she needs you..." My uncle lives in Florida. Honestly, I can't even take care of myself right now and he wants me to take care of her. I barely eat. I only eat when I'm with Matt. I went to buy new pants today and I dropped a few sizes. I came home and put on shorts I wore to Michigan last summer and they're like.. falling off my ass. I feel so thin. I looked in the mirror and I'm definately losing weight. Food just isn't appetizing anymore... when I eat, I get sick so I try not to eat. I'm trying... God knows i'm trying right now... its just soo fricken hard. I know I shouldn't be drinking or anything... but I have been. I drink when people aren't around. I get drunk on the weekends. Maybe, if I drink enough, I just won't wake up, sometimes I think that's what I think about when I drink. I like how it feels to not feel right now because when I feel, its all pain... pain from watching my mom hurt, my brother hurt, my sister hurt, my family fall apart; all in front of my eyes. My boyfriend's been great. He went into this relationship kinda/but not really knowing what was going on and he's been really supportive of it all. I realized how selfish I was though. Lindsay was/is supposed to come during her spring break and she doesn't have the money so I told her I'd help and she won't let me. I understand, but it made me feel selfish because I know she wants to get away from her house... and I could really use a friend here; I could use a hug so badly. I want her here. I really do. It's so hard dealing with this, being there for my family, that I could use someone just to give me a hug. That's all I want right now is a hug. But hugs come few and far between around here, except from Matt, my family or Sue. Things just haven't been great lately... and yanno, she's one of the very few people that I know honestly care about me. This sounds like a pity me entry, but its more of a "get things off your chest" kinda entry because I wouldn't want anyone taking these things the wrong way. I still wonder why I was put on this earth because I feel I've caused nothing but grief and aggravation. I'll change that one day though... one of these days I'm gonna grow balls and make my "way out" like I should've 3 or so years ago. shoot for the moon

Workin' at it... [19 Feb 2003|11:39pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Young and the Hopeless: Good Charlotte ] I'm workin' at making things better in my life. After realizing I may have to stay here until i graduate from undergrad school, i've been doin' a lot of things for me lately. Take Saturday night; I went up to Pat's Peak and went boarding. I hit up the snowboard park and met some people and learned some stuff. It was stellar. Things don't always go my way, and I realize that but damn... sometimes it just kicks you. Like, I know I suffer from depression, but I don't make it my excuse.. ever. One of my friends jumped up my ass last night because I was depressed. How the hell can I help it? I refuse to go on the medication because usually I'm stronger than that. According to my friends, I'm a strong ass bitch so I better start living up to it. I've been dreaming a lot lately... about the future. I want an undergrad degree in either journalism or communications. I want a master's in journalism. I want to write for snowboarder mag, people, or some big magazine and maybe become an editor some day. I want to get married and have 3 kids of my own... starting with a boy. I don't know exactly where I want to live... but I want a big house, with a front yard and two dogs. I want my close friends to be a phone call or a decently short drive away. I want my kids to be well educated and go to college. I've got a lot of dreams eh? I also hope that my girls get the absolute best. They deserve it. I wanna see them all succeed. Regardless of where I go or what happens to me, or them, they deserve the best. I'll love them forever. I need to work on pulling my grades up... because they've been less than great lately. I've slacked so much because I've just been wicked down lately. Time to pick myself back up cuz only I can do it for me. shoot for the moon

Time for a new journal [11 Feb 2003|01:52pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Emotionless: Good Charlotte ] I needed a place to put my thoughts where no one really knew of me. This is gonna be the place. I'm tired of trying to please everyone with *happy thoughts* all the damn time. The fact is, we all cannot be happy all the time. I'm having a hard time dealing with my parents recent separation. Its difficult to see my mother depressed, my little sister down and my brother cry. Its even harder that I don't have the support of many friends. My boyfriend Matt and my girl Sue have been absolute angels through this. The others; Steve, Denis, Angelique... just to name a few, abandoned me. I try not to dwell on it, but we've been through so much that its hard not to. Two of my best friends live miles away and they're great, but its just not the same. We're growing up, things are changing. I try like hell not to depend on them because they've got their own lives, their own problems and I just don't want to be an added fixture. Neither one of them need it. I truly think I was meant to live my life on my own, as independently as possible, without the help of anyone. 2 floating stars :: shoot for the moon

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