my words are a paper tiger...

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Thursday, June 12th, 2003
12:25 pm - Girls SUCK.
I'm reading this book called 'Kiss My Tiara' (which should have been warning enough) because one of my friends approached me with this book and said "Oh my GOD, you MUST read this BOOK. It worked MIRACLES on me."

I am sick of all of this self-empowerment drivel that is getting churned out. All of this 'sex-is-a-weapon', 'a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle' shit is a serious waste of time. All I can say is DUH. Of course women don't need men. Of course men don't need women. I wish more people believed that, so that the world wouldn't be so overpopulated and would stop sucking up limited resources.

This is a joke. And then you have all of these fifteen year old girls in high school who go to the Gay Straight Alliance one time and say to themselves "Oh my god, I think girls are pretty. I'm bisexual."

When I was in high school, I thought bisexuality was some kind of a trick that the super slutty girls pulled out of their hats like a party trick. For the girls I knew my sophomore and junior year of high school, saying that they wanted to have sex with girls too was simply the last stop to pull out, and no one was really surprised. The thing I don't appreciate is that people use being 'bi' as an excuse to cheat on their partners and then say "Well, I was just having a same-sex day yesterday..."

I'm pan-sexual to a POINT...the point being that, as of yet, I've only met one girl that I would even think about dating, and she goes to school in Seattle, and she is INCREDIBLY overdramatic and while I would date her, I doubt I would enjoy it very much. And I definitely want to have the wedding, and the little white house, and the kid and the dog and all of that shit.

My friends say "But you could have that with a WOMAN!"

I don't fucking WANT to.

However, she is here for the summer and taking me on a 'date' on Monday...which is amusing, because its just a novelty to both of us. Its the 'follow-up-to-sexual-activity-date', only with about a year in between the activity and the date. Hmm. So that will be strange, to say the least.

Anyways, I'm just being inceredibly impatient right now with all of these dumb girls who are saying "Wow! I'm a girl! GIRL POWER!"

Get over it. Go buy some Spice Girls CDs and some pink shower curtains and live your life the way you want to, not the way an empowered-femme-chick would.

I have the same beef with a lot of my friends who came out in high school and this year in college...here they are, one of the 'guys', having a great time, and then one day they show up with pink Elton John sunglasses skipping down the sidewalk before proclaiming loudly with a brand-new and overenunciated lips "GUESTH WHAT, BOYSTH!"

If thats actually how you feel, then GREAT! Go with that. But until scientific research proves otherwise, I'm not going to buy that the 'gay gene' has this ridiculous lisp attatched to it that is recessive until the person recognizes their full gay potential.

Nothing gets people off more than self-recognition. But for me, self-recognition is something you do YOURSELF. Maybe books and speakers and seminars and TV shows point out things to you that you didn't realize about yourself...but that doesn't mean you adopt the book as some sort of housepet and live by its rules religiously.

"Instead of sitting in this bedroom, putting on makeup and cute clothes to impress BOYS, I'm going to go out with the GIRLS tonight...after I put on greater quantities of makeup and cuter, more expensive clothes..."
Because, for FUCKS SAKE, girls don't dress up for the boys. They dress up for the other girls. Because, lets face it...if all you want is a good lay, and you're the only girl there, and you're wearing oil-stained jeans and a plaid shirt, and your hair is in a disarray...

...someone will STILL fuck you.

You're not competing with the GUYS for love and attention. You're competing with the other GIRLS.

And even when you're not going out with the guys, you're STILL competing with the girls.

When I was up at school, living in the dorms, I always tried to look at least semi-put together.

Not because the boy across the hall was an Air Force hunk. Not because the boy next to me was rumored to be hung like a moose (which, actually, he was...my roommate drunkenly de-pantsed him after the rumor had gotten around). Not because of the guitar-playing goateed asshole down the hall who would slice people's egos up and hand it back to them for breakfast.

No, it was because of Krista LaFord.

This gorgeous sorority girl who weighed about eighty pounds, had long, straight blonde hair, and always looked like she was going somewhere important.

For some reason, even though I could never compete with her, I always tried to look like I was worth giving the pity 'oh yeah, you could come to that party too' invite to. Not because I would actually go, but because this girl was grovel-worthy, and I don't usually say that about people...

Girls care more about what the girls think than what the guys think, because girls are taught since middle school (maybe earlier) that boys are stupid, and we should all throw rocks at them. But GIRLS are the safe ones. GIRLS aren't the dummies who want to rub mud in our hair and yell "BUTT FACE" at us across the playground. Girls just sit in little clumps and say "Elsie is playing with the pigeons! Eew! Katie wore that shirt on Monday too! Eew!"

But for some reason, we always end up trusting them more.

At any rate, the point of this whole thing was just to say that if you're not happy with your life and you want to change it by empowering yourself, or by any other means like that, then go ahead! Great.

But you don't need to TELL us about it. If its really wonderful, we'll notice it. If you want to have a fucking Love Parade thrown for you every day of the week and prance around in your newfound self-respect, then go run around naked in the mountains for a few weeks or pop a couple of Valiums until you feel more comfortable with your newfound state (which is slightly above everyone else, of course.)

:-)

(11 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
3:02 am - more life.
recorded again today.
three songs.
one composed entirely by megahal, a conversation-simulating computer program.
one with lyrics of 'laa laa' and 'walla walla walla'
one called 'sleeping with jc'...nuff said.
went to sams at noon.
went to moes with him.
he is fantastic.
am moving into his house (5 boys currently residing there, one moving out in two weeks)
rent free
just have to be domestic and clean up after them
silly boys
wanted to swim again today
lacked motivation to bike all the way down table mesa
very tired
watched 'ladyhawk' tonight...matthew broderick is so cute
i miss my old friends from high school that don't like me so much anymore
sad day.
not really a sad day
just sad enough
to make me say it
and acknowledge it
if it were really sad
i would make a joke about it
i'm so stupid sometimes
yesterday i helped move a piano
it was silly
the sign said 'free piano (ugly)'
the type of person who would give away a piano
just because it was ugly
is not the type of person
i want to associate myself with.
cunt.
not really.
we got a piano from her.
which was cool.
i almost died when they were rolling it down the stairs though.
scary.
death is not scary.
probably painful though.
ouch, death!
makes sense to me
talked chord progressions with sam today
my favorite is I, ii, VIIflat, IV, VIIflat, iiiflat, IV
(then IV becomes I in a random act of modulation)
modulating is fun.
i didn't go swimming today.
frown.

(5 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Monday, May 26th, 2003
6:28 pm - Re: CD Recording Session
Recorded two songs
wrote five
one about climber who cut off his own arm (true story)
one about president tate drowning in a bathtub (also true)
one about british magistrate suing boy for calling him fat (true; in paper this morning)
one titled "Golly, I love you so berry berry much"
one titled "I Bled For You (Blood Donor's Anthem)
will record more tomorrow
probably
left keyboard at ben's house
flirted with ben (ex-boyfriend) - not smart. not totally over me yet.
flirted with andy (ex-FB) - probably not smart either. sam (new FB) is cuter. and plays guitar.
guitar playing boys are hot shit.
i love them all.
mostly.
i love kix too.
and swimming when its hot outside.
i want to go swimming now.
but the pool is closed.
damn you memorial day.
my arm smells like chlorine from yesterday.
mmmm.

(7 fresh meals | love will come to you)

9:44 am - life - part two
me - back in boulder
done with school
job-hunting
tired
recording a cd today with kooky theatre friends from cu
hungover
drunk off of margaritas with friends still in high school
i feel old
want school to start again
need a job
might be night shift waitress at dennys
think it would be fun
went out with gil two nights ago to pick up guys
succeeded twice
but none were hot enough for us
sad day.

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
2:30 pm - life.
friends-
-boring.
-self-satisfying.
-non intelligent.
-terrifying.
classes-
-horrible.
-bad grades.
-exhausting.
family-
-misunderstood.
-pressuring.
-self defeating.
me-
-tired,
-slothful,
-lonely,
-self-pity.

(1 fresh meal | love will come to you)

2:28 pm
i feel myself slipping
but cannot control it
tired of wrenching about
in my icy island
i finally give up
at even bare survival
and find myself
still afloat
and am disappointed by it all

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
4:30 pm
In case anyone was wondering after my last entry, if there was a specific girl in mind...

...there is.

Her name is Val. She's 5'1'', and definitely the only girl that I have ever met that I would actually date. She is really cool.

She plays the guitar. She is really pretty.

*little sigh*

Today I was helping her pack up her dorm room and Jordan called me a couple of times. I answered the first time, told him I'd call him back, and then ignored the rest of his calls. I was busy.

But he came over, and something was really bothering him. What was it...well, I have no idea whatsoever. He said he didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to go rock climbing at the gym.

I think that it partially made him upset that I was more into spending time with Val than with him.

But he doesn't want to be with me. And I want to be with someone.

Not a terrific combination.

And if there is this super great girl who is really cool and who really wants to spend time with me, then why shouldn't I pursue that?

*sigh* I want him to be happy...but I want to be happy too.

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Monday, May 5th, 2003
4:59 pm
I don't believe in sexuality.

In my own sexuality, at least.

To some people, this is enough to break up with someone, to kill someone, to taunt someone, or to fall or not fall in love with someone. But for me, my own sexual preference is something that alters itself slightly from day to day but that in general cannot tell the difference between male and female.

If I like someone, I do. If I think they are hot, I do.

If they are a boy, or a girl...okay.

Is this weird?

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
1:06 pm - Trident Cafe
12 shots of espresso in ten minutes nearly resulting in respiratory failure...

First date with most beautiful guy ever...

Saying goodbye before leaving for college...

Making fun of post-modern art...

Escaping through back door, running from psycho ex-fling...

All of these and many more stories are the reasons why last night I took my 15-year-old sister Emily to the Trident Cafe with me last night. It is an important part of my history from this year and last summer.

We met up with Jordan and Sam and went to play music and drink at Sam's house.

The drinking was rather under wraps. My sister did drink a JimBeam and Coke, however, which surprised me but did not disappoint me.

Then Randy drove her home, Jordan took a nap on Sam's bed, Stibs went home, and John went to bed upstairs, leaving Sam and Nate and I to our own indiscretions.

We watched 'Meet the Parents' and Sam put his arms around me and held me while I slept, and when I woke up there was a pillow underneath my head and a blanket keeping me warm.

This is special to me because Sam isn't a super-physical person. He isn't incredibly touchyfeely, and so when we are cuddling or cozying up, it always gives me goosebumps.

I am so lucky to get to hang out with those wonderful, talented, and fun guys.

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Thursday, May 1st, 2003
8:13 am
Right now I'm listening to a newly discovered favorite song. Its by Semisonic and its called 'Get a Grip'...and yes, it is about masturbation.

Get a grip on yourself, you know you should
I got a grip on myself, and it feels good
Get a grip on yourself, take my advice
I got a grip on myself, and it feels nice

It is a cool song aside from being about masturbation as well, which is nifty.

One of my friends yesterday was pointing out that I am really a super cynical person, which really surprises me because I am usually really optimistic-you need to be really optimistic if you're going to succeed in any performing career, even though I'm just going to be a music teacher. But here is his line of reasoning -

Whenever I get really tired, or I'm having a low-key evening of just drinking and sitting around my dorm room, I start talking about how life is meaningless, and how my interactions with people are all very, very abnormal and fucked up. I will just talk and talk and talk about why things just don't work out...and get kinda depressed.

Its really cold outside today, and that makes me want to go tanning...which, for the record, is GROSS, but its SO nice to go and sit inside a warm little blue cylinder of UV rays when its freezing cold outside. But I have so much school stuff that I need to get done...yuck yuck yuck.

I really don't think that I'm cynical. That makes me sad that I sound that way when I'm tired or drunk...maybe I'm just a little more irritable. Or conversely, maybe thats true. Maybe I am a truly cynical person and I just don't like the connotations associated with being cynical...

(1 fresh meal | love will come to you)

Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
3:44 pm
'And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you of worth, directs your course.'

(1 fresh meal | love will come to you)

7:34 am
Last night I had a choir concert, and one of the boys there was someone who I have been friends with all semester, but who there has always been an incredible amount of sexual tension with. I was thinking about him when I went home last night...he is one of the nicest, sweetest, and most fun guys I've met up here at college, and I was just thinking about how he would probably be my favorite person on the 'look back and wonder why nothing happened with them' list...and then I decided that wasn't really a list that I wanted him to be on.

So around midnight, we went to 7-11 to get Slurpees and I ended up staying the night over there. And while I wasn't really too sure what I was expecting to feel, or what would happen...I am happy that I had the experience.

Nothing happened of real consequence in 'baseball terms', nothing groundbreaking or revolutionary, but just a lot of warmth, and comfort, and feeling generally very wonderful.

:-)

5 more days of school, starting now.

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Monday, April 28th, 2003
9:15 am
I am incredibly tired of caring about people. And when I say that, I don't mean genuinely caring about them, but I mean having this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me "Well, you SHOULD genuinely care about that person". And manipulating your own emotions takes a lot of work, let me tell you right now. Because when you don't actually care about someone just for the hell of it, it takes a whole lot of legwork to convince yourself, to MAKE yourself care about them. It involves a lot of things...going out of your way to find things to do with them, making them little 'take-care-of-yourself' gifts when they're tired and stressed out, listening to all of their shitty problems that really you don't care about at all...caring about people is a lot of work.

It sounds crass, but I'm not in college to care about people. I'm in college to learn and get a teaching certificate and become a music teacher. And people get in the way of aspirations. Look at every little girl who wanted to be a firefighter, doctor, or an astronaut and ended up being a housewife and mother...not that those aren't wonderful...but they're not for me. Not right now. I'm a very maternal person, but part of me wishes that right now I just had a baby that I could store in a closet and pop the door open when I felt like it and pick up the baby and make it giggle and laugh and have a blast and just feel better when I put it back in the closet and closed the door.

Thats terrible. :-)

current : hungover
current : Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Sunday, April 27th, 2003
9:04 am - Jazz Festival
So my last three days (with the exception of gay clubbing on fri. night, of course) have been taken up with working at the Greeley Jazz Festival, running packets, coffee, pencils, and high school students all around town. Finally, it is over, which is nice (yay!) because now I wil have tons more time for SCHOOLWORK (boo). Time to brush up on my gen eds to see which ones I will actually be PASSING this semester and which ones I will be testing out of next fall. Eep. Fun.

I also need...NEED NEED NEED...to send my check to Massachusetts so that they can send me a new copy of my birth certificate...:-( so that I can get my PASSPORT...:-(

(1 fresh meal | love will come to you)

Saturday, April 26th, 2003
11:24 am - The Static
So last night we went down to Fort Collins to Club Static, a gay club. I have never gone dancing before, so that was kind of exciting...I went with Jeffie, Noah and Val, and I brought Jordan with me. We drank in the car ride down there, Val was already completely sloshed when they picked us up, so that was really neat. We got there, it was about 80 percent gay boys, and I absolutely LOVED it. Noah got really drunk and was parading me around to his friends saying "This is a beautiful girl named Shenandoah, love her and respect her."

I kept looking cute enough to get older boys to bring me drinks and then stand around holding them while I drank them. After a couple of Long Island Ice Teas that I polished off in about two minutes I was really super drunk...I didn't end up making out with any girls, which I considered a HUGE accomplishment and a relief...Val, the girl that we came with, was easily the most attractive girl there, but that would have just been kind of awkward.

But I did get sandwiched between Jordan and Noah for about fifteen minutes and ended up making out with both of them, just sort of switching between them...and I was pretty okay with that. I like boys a lot.

Then we went to Dennys, got fries, and drove back. I love being drunk and being out and about. Its wonderful...and I want to go read Tommy's Tale right now, because this hot boy at the club named Leo looked like Alan Cumming with darker skin tone. Super hot...if I was a gay guy...

*ahem*

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Monday, April 21st, 2003
4:59 pm
i miss california today...

...although its weird to miss somewhere you've only been three times in your whole life, never for more than two weeks.

my friend hayes lives there now, he decided to become an actor

i really miss him

the nice thing about being friends with gay men is that there is a level of tension completely absent. every relationship i have with a boy has some sort of awkwardness involved in one of us being attracted to the other...or, usually, both. but not with him.

we love each other, and we know it, and its not dependent on us talking to each other frequently or remembering each others birthdays or knowing every minute detail of each others lives or even always being happy with each other. we just love each other.

love is beautiful. why complicate it.

we complicate everything.

sad.

and the other thing i don't understand is why we can supposedly only love one person at a time. i love so many people. thats why i'm not in a relationship.

people are jealous. silly.

i am sometimes too. :-(

no one is perfect.

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)

4:20 pm
it is beautiful today.

i wish that i could fly today

for the blue sky

like my little red kite

that was eaten mercilessly by an oak tree in pleasant hills, pennsylvania

when i was seven

i hate geting stuck in trees

everyone thinks that the hardest part is climbing down

but its not

the difficulty
comes in leaping back into the sky

you never see shooting stars jumping back the other way

but i will

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)

10:35 am - Late Night Soccer
Last night, around 1 am, I went out to Gunter Field and kicked around a soccer ball for a few hours with my friend the boy. There I was, on a Sunday night, with my football sweatshirt from the first boy I ever liked from Roseville, MN, with my hands balled up in the inside pocket, bouncing a soccer ball around for the first time since I was twelve, probably.

*happy sigh*

Sometimes in your life, everything surrounding you just reminds you of a scene from an independent film. And these are the moments that I really treasure. The ones that just happen, when you're not expecting it-they have been happening to me a lot this semester. I love it. Those are the moments I live for.

***

The summer before my senior year in high school, my friend Alaina and I bought three rolls of film, dressed up and photographed ourselves in silly model poses all over a playground near my house.

***

Christmas Break of my senior year was spent in my friend Gillian's basement, experimenting with mixing drinks for the first time and watching Kevin Smith movies.

***

My freshman year I went on a program called Youth and Government and stayed at the YMCA in Winter Park, CO with a band of 'misaligned goths' that were some of the closest friends I have ever had.

***

This year, about a month ago, breaking out into an impromptu rendition of 'Stand By Me' with four members of my jazz choir and dancing around an empty classroom in the music building.

***

Those moments...they really make or break it. I have plenty of sad ones too, don't get me wrong...but these are just a few of my favorite ones of all-time :-) Sometimes its just what pushes you through life, and sometimes its the only thing making it all worthwhile...but you only need one thing making it worthwhile

current : tired, yet happy
current : Zephyr Song - RHCP

(2 fresh meals | love will come to you)

Sunday, April 20th, 2003
10:18 pm - Columbine
Today was the fourth anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings.

Today it seemed that everyone forgot about this.

Except for me...why, you say? Because my roommate was in the last graduating class of Columbine High School that witnessed the shootings.

And why do I remember this? Because she doesn't let me forget it for a single moment. Every time she gets in a fight with one of her friends, she credits it to them not understanding her because they haven't been through what she has been through.

Hell, I never needed to make up a clever excuse for people not understanding me. I just generally assume that people won't understand me. Why won't they understand me? Well, the answer is obvious-because I am at least partially dishonest with everyone I know.

I give everyone a little taste of me...a little portion of a few select areas of my personality. I gauge which ones they prefer and which ones they would prefer not to know about and adjust accordingly. Thus, everyone who knows me knows me differently, and no two of my friends ever have the same experience with me. But I suppose thats true with any friendship...anyways, this is turning into a different entry than the one i wanted to write tonight.

Anyways, my point is this: everyone has an excuse for every personality flaw they have. Every single person I know who is even mildly 'off' has a disturbed or disturbing relative, a bad childhood experience, a rape, an unwanted pregnancy, parental abuse...everyone has a sob story. Can we all just move along with our lives, stop living in the past and just TAKE what we have been given???

Please?

current : heartless
current : Death to Smoochy playing in the background

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)

7:36 pm - Easter Weekend
yesterday afternoon i was driving down home to spend the night at my parents' house...i was in the backseat of his car, him, the boy, and his mother was driving us both down, because i am friends with his mother...and his head was on my lap, and i was scratching his head, and he just looked so comfortable and just...right sitting there that i couldn't look directly at him because i knew that my eyes would give me away right then, that he'd be able to see how much i care about him, and if he doesn't see that in me, then i don't need to see it in me either, and we can both just ignore it. i hope that it will pass again, like it has several times before for a spell. of course, all of those times were before he moved up here for school, before he broke up with his girlfriend, before we kissed for the first time, before we slept together...and its very scary, knowing that i am in love with my best friend, who is the only man i've ever been with, and the fact that we're not together hangs over me like a constant reminder that i care about him more than he cares about me

of course, i can't blame him for not wanting to be in a relationship, because the one he just ended was the last in a string of pretty horrible ones with psychotically dependent girls who manipulated him...but still, i am very lonely. i go on dates with other people sometimes, occasionally, but I have trouble feigning interest. and i really am just very happy with him, even if we aren't dating. but yesterday, seeing him there, was just a moment that i didn't really want to have.

his birthday is next weekend and i don't know what to do.

for mine he cooked a few of us dinner at my house and showed me a half-finished painting of me that he was working on.

i wouldn't be surprised if it never gets quite finished and it turns into a portrait of a brunette girlfriend in the future when he fishes it out of a box one day.

*sigh*

(3 fresh meals | love will come to you)


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