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you'll never scream so loud as i wanna scream with you [17 Dec 2002|02:34pm]
[ music | something corporate :: hurricane ]

Sadness breeds sadness. When we live a lie, we lose ourselves. I said words were coming. And I meant it days ago when words were the cement to my sanity. I meant it when everything was silent and I yearned for something to bounce against my brain. I had words then. But like poison from an adder's tongue those words would sooner bring me bitter death than the solace they were once intended to bring. Ah, sweet catastrophe.

For you, the only one who worried about me, I would give you the last shining shards of my broken glass soul. My dark angel. You know not the courage you help me contain. You know not the way you mesmerize me. I can only be something for so long before I can't be seen as anything more than nothing. And I would no sooner wish to let her down than I would wish to be nothing. And yesterday, I was a disease. Yesterday tested my very will to exist. It's been a long time since I felt the need to even think about it. Oh, but yesterday. Yesterday, marked with box cutters and paper eyes was black and red and willing to give in. Yesterday was the day a girl could not be saved if she couldn't save herself.

Girl saves day. Girl still diseased. Girl falling fast.

Yesterday I went through every magazine I had and cut out the eyes of every person I saw. And I created a giant collage of eyes. And in the middle I wrote "I know you wonder if I hate you. Can't you see it in my eyes? I see myself dying in yours." I wanted to sign it in blood. I held the box cutter in my trembling hands and closed my eyes. I remembered what it was like when I tried to die. I remember when I hated me. I remember the very thoughts that were racing through my head on that crash course to self-destruction. I remember it all because I needed to remember to get better. And I was better. And I was okay. But yesterday, I closed my eyes and tried to think of words and I didn't like my words. I didn't like myself. And I felt like I did that day I tried to die. And yesterday I wanted to die.

But I broke down and cried. I dropped the blade and brought my hands to my face and cried like tears would create some unseen fortress that would save me from myself. It did save me from myself.

And some of you are reading this thinking you caused this. Perhaps because then you could be in on it somehow. You could be in on a battle between me and myself. You don't belong here. And some of you are reading this and getting defensive because you feel attacked. I tried to die and you feel attacked. And some of you are reading this and hating me. You think I'm some selfish, stupid little girl who needs this attention. And to those of you who see it that way. You don't know me. And some of you are reading this thinking you know what caused this. And because I have never spoke of it, you don't know. So don't think so much. And some of you are reading this intrigued because you think this is beautiful and tragic. I don't think it's so beautiful. I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful. But I could never feel beautiful drenched in tears, blood, and pain. And some of you are reading this puzzled because you talked to me only days ago and I was fine. But I wasn't. I am just the goddess of glass bottles that contain secrets about me you would never even want to understand.

And some of you are reading this and seeing it for what it really is. You are my real friends. You are the ones that realize I have a problem. And that I am human and I make mistakes. You are seeing that I'm not whole but I whole-heartedly want to be well. And you trust me to make the right choices. And you understand me. And you know somewhere inside of you that I am intelligent and I can be saved. I can save me.

The point is that last night I dropped the blade. I dropped it because I knew that I could save myself if I just realized I had a problem. If I wanted badly enough to fix it I could. And I do. I want to be well again. And so I have to go. I have to go away for some time. Maybe a long time. And then maybe not so long. I have to go away so I can fix myself. I am broken. I will write as often as I can. But I don't know how often that will be.

The lights are out. Only those shards of glittering glass soul remain. I am gone to pick up the pieces.

Eternally alone.

5 abusive angels x abuse me

don't let it go to your head [10 Dec 2002|05:46pm]
[ music | taking back sunday :: you're so last summer ]

She said, "don't, don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said, "you're a touch overrated,
You're a lush and I hate it
But these grass stains on my knees
They won't mean a thing"

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I go to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar.

4 abusive angels x abuse me

you try and tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself forget [08 Dec 2002|12:58pm]
[ music | counting crows :: anna begins ]

I am such a Grinch. ::pout::

I had to wake up pretty early this morning to get all dolled up. We had family portraits this morning (happy happy joy joy). Jay and I went in my car and Mami and Daddy took Ashley in the truck. We took seperate cars so they could go shopping afterwards and Brandon and I, being as we're grounded, could take Emily home and do our chores. We went to Denny's for some breakfast after portraits and then promised to go home right away.

Of course, we didn't. We went to Wal-Mart. They had The Craft on sale on DVD and I wanted to buy it. It's rated R though and they asked for my ID which I conveniently lost.

[[Note to self: Go get new license on Wednesday!]]

So, I couldn't buy it. Pissed off I went to FYE in the mall. I just couldn't control myself ... I caved in! Damn my lack of self-control. Damn it ... I bought Army of Darkness on DVD! Which, by the way, is also rated R. And I bought it without age harassment. Stupid Wal-Mart and their family values! I also bought the Livin' Large Expansion Pack to the Sims. All in a matter of 15 minutes, I spent all my Christmas present buying money. I get paid Wednesday though. And by then, I won't be grounded.

So, if you don't see me around much today ... it's because I'm watching Army of Darkness or playing the Sims. Sorry. I can't wait till I'm done being grounded. Chris needs to come watch Army of Darkness with me, 'cause he'll love it!

1 abusive angel x abuse me

you're hiding underneath the smoke in the room [05 Dec 2002|05:10pm]
[ music | natalie imbruglia :: smoke ]

Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about things that matter.

I am Michele and I will tell you my secrets. First of all, I live a double life. I call this the curse of being a writer, but ... in all honesty it bothers me some. Most people would say change it. Easier said than done and easily brushed aside from an outsiders perspective.

Okay, I'll explain. See I really don't have two lives, it's just one life. But I present it differently depending on the audience I'm presenting it to. Shakespeare wasn't kidding when he said all the world's a stage ... in my experience I play the character of 1,000 stories. As a result of this, I have hidden tales and secrets like you wouldn't believe. While a secret here and there is nothing major ... secrets in large quanitities can leave you overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed sometimes. So, it seems I have a problem here and the logical thing to do would be to solve it. Perfect plan, but not so easily executed. As I said before ... it would appear easy only to an outsider who doesn't know nearly the twisted web I weave.

But, in all honesty ... there are no insiders to this. Well, except me. No one person knows the whole story. Some know more than others. No one really knows it all because then I'd have to admit I am a fraud. I am not so much a fraud. At least not to me. While it's a different kind of lifestyle I live, I see nothing wrong with it. Others however, wouldn't go without judging me. How do I know this? Some of the more intelligent people I know have caught wind of certain aspects of my dual existance. I've had to catch myself from falling by the skin of my hands a few times and the whole downfall was looked upon with heavy sighs. So, it's all still hush hush.

And in my opinion, my only means of solving the problem is to let everyone in and stop being so mysterious. Or to leave it all behind and start fresh. I live in Mansfield, Ohio now. Bear this in mind as I make it blatantly obvious until I leave this place I cannot escape the damage I've done. So, that is why I have so many journals. That is why even the people I trust the most have limited access to my life. And I know it hurts some of them. They feel like they can tell me anything and still I keep things from them. I wouldn't if it wasn't so important to me that things were the way that they are. Maybe they just need to stay that way till I can sort them out.

The truth is, if enough of the people I know got together and had a tell-all, I would be entirely exposed. So sometimes I fear that. I suppose I never meant for it to be this way and didn't carefully hide my tracks along the way. I guess it's just another thing to worry about. And perhaps, I need to spend less time worrying and more time sorting.

Deep thoughts for a work day.

1 abusive angel x abuse me

when it came to mind that i didn't care [04 Dec 2002|04:01pm]
[ music | matchbox twenty :: rest stop ]

Jingle Bells! Krista smells! She's got a fat head too. Beaner was here. Now she's clear. And that's all I wrote for you!

Wow, I made an entry. Love it, and such.

4 abusive angels x abuse me

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