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.the only 'one' in alone.

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"The more you hurt, the more you strain, the price you pay to play the game..." [03 May 2003|09:52pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | "Price To Play" - Staind ]

Aleah told me she had something to tell me. What she really meant was she had something to show me. Cuts. Patterns that criss-crossed her wrists, and I don't even know if she's got them anywhere else. I asked her why. She told me she got bored. I wanted to hate her, to tell her that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. But I couldn't, because I knew, and I know, that it wasn't really because she just got bored and decided to intentionally hurt herself for lack of anything better to do. I know there's a reason. I just can't figure out what.

Michael came up to me the other day as I was heading home from school. He told me he'd had the worst day ever, full of bad news. I told him I was sorry to say that I had even more bad news. I told him about Aleah. He asked the same questions I asked of her, and all I could do was tell him what she had told me. - I found out that Michael was going out with this girl named Ariel. I also found out that it was all a set up, and that she didn't really like him to begin with. Michael looked heart broken. I wanted Ariel to eat shit and die.

I cut. Myself. Intentionally. Again. Practically slit my wrist to death with only four lines. They didn't stop bleeding for half an hour. I woke up this morning and flexed my wrist. The cuts started to bleed again. I guess I cut a little deep.

There are so many questions I want answered. These lyrics keep playing in my head:

"I woke up in a dream today,
To the cold of the static,
And put my cold feet on the floor,
Forgot all about yesterday,
And that I'm pretending to be,
Who I'm not anymore."

Fitting for my position. I live a completely different life outside of my house. Who my family think I am, and who I really am, are two completely different things.

"A little taste of hypocrisy,
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake,
Slow to react,
And even though you're so close to me,
You're still so distant,
And I can't bring you back."

The hypocrisy bit fits in with Aleah. She tells me to promise her I'll stop cutting, and I do for awhile, for her. Then she goes off and cuts herself. - The later half reminds me of both Aleah and Michael, and I suppose even myself. We're drifting even when we are standing right next to each other. The painful part is that we all know it.

I want this all to stop. I want to take the fucking storm cloud that's been hanging over my head, pouring down on me, and throw it back to hell. I WANT TO BREAK THE DAMN CYCLE. I want to live again. I need to live again. And the first person that tries to stop me...they're goin' down. Because I am officially breaking the cycle.

1 lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"I wanna live in another place where no one can say that I live for them..." [29 Apr 2003|10:44pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Esaul" - Linkin Park(Hybrid Theory) ]

The Advil bottle said something like, "do not exceed 6 capsules within 24 hours unless recommended by a doctor." Oops. Guess I fucked that one up a few times over...

"Singing again to myself, a head full of hectic
Hope that some day you'll regret this
Everything's the wrong place, the wrong time
Adding to the panic of my confine..."

-Lp in life. Lp in death. Lp in every breath.-
-M, B, R, etc...

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"I hate the way I feel inside, and I promise to make the sacrifice..." [20 Apr 2003|07:35pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | "The Way I Feel" - 12 Stones ]

Mom got out of the hospital today. She seems better...at least I hope...I pray...she is. My grandparents defied every fucking comment we made about not coming to see my mom...completely pissed me off. They're here now.

Michael broke up with me. It's ok though, 'cause we both knew it wasn't working. We're still best friends though. I spent all night talking to Aleah and Michael on the phone. They said I was really smart and that I understood so much more than other people. (Don't ask...I'm still wondering what they meant by that.) They also said they'd die if I died. I could never let them die if I knew I could prevent it...so I guess I'll be stickin' around for at least a little while longer.

-Here for now-
-B

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"All these feelings feel the same, so you close your eyes and wish it all away..." [18 Apr 2003|08:51pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | "Running Out Of Pain" - 12 Stones ]

I had the weirdest conversation ever with my friends the other day. Aleah, Jeff, Olivia, and I were sitting around outside after lunch...and someone started talking about suicide. Jeff told us that he'd tried to commit it 5 times. I swear my jaw dropped to hell. Jeff? He does not come off as that type of person. He's nice, quite, funny...suicidal? That doesn't fit. Now see, with me it does. Depressed, loner, freak, suicidal. That goes, and I'm not fucking proud of it. I can't change the things that scar me...anyway, Aleah and Olivia just sort of sat there with "what the fuck?" expressions on their faces the whole time Jeff and I talked. Then they tried to convince us that's not something we should do. Aleah gave me the 'sick of this shit' look. Her sister's been to Charter way more than once 'cause she wants to kill herself.

That little circle of people found out more about me in that twenty minute time period than I've ever allowed anyone to know in my whole god forsaken life. Stuff I don't don't want to share. You wanna know why I love Linkin Park so much? Because they've been through the exact same things I've been through. I mean, the EXACT same things.

Michael doesn't care anymore. My mom's got heart failure and other problems.

One day I'll die and no one will be sorry. Not even me.

-Falling Away

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"Hurting me, the routine scar, new cuts cover where the old ones are..." [15 Apr 2003|05:07pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Part Of Me" -Linkin Park ]

I just got a call from Shon (my sister). She wanted me to go to the hospital to make sure mom was ok. She sounds really stressed...even though she took the day off...and definitely worried. I'm going to see mom in about an hour.

I had these two girls come up to me at school today. They wanted to know if my mom was alright, and whether or not she was going to live. I don't even know them...guess who told them about it? Michael. - All these people were so nice to me and it's all because they heard about, "that poor girl whose mom's in the hospital." It's like they're just waiting for her to die. Well she's not fucking going to. I hope. And I don't need their sympathy. If they want to give it, than they should give it to my mom.

Had lunch with Aleah. It was cool. She made me feel happy even though I'm not. Jeff thinks we should go out. I was like...WHAT? It was funny though 'cause of this whole idea Aleah came up with that we should pretend to be lesbians to get guys. We're not lesbos (at least I'm not...:). I'm not even bi. So anyway, lunch was really fun. Aleah and I both got a pair of Vans, and we switched our right shoes with each other. So I was walking around all day with one black shoe and one white one. My right foot started to hurt like a bitch though, 'cause Aleah wears...what...an 8? I wear a 10. So she still has my other shoe and I still have hers. I guess I'll get mine back tomorrow.

Couldn't sleep right last night...like usual. Crushed my Venus razor to get a blade. Fuck it. I admit it. I have a problem. I'm DEPRESSED ok? Is everyone that fucking thinks they know me happy now?!?!

*

-Fighting myself-
~M

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"At the drop of the defense I let loose the venom, sendin' a shot of verbal heat up in 'em..." [13 Apr 2003|07:07pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | "SticknMove" - Xero ]

*

So...

Went to New Mexico. On the flight back some lady in front of my mom and me was sick. We drove to Alabama (against my will) and my mom 'suddenly' was sick as shit. We drove the four and a half hours back to Atlanta to take my mom to the emergency room. (Whoever thought up that plan must have been on something... *cough* dad* cough) So we got there around 2 a.m.. I fell asleep in a hospital chair waiting to see my mom. Needless to say my dad dragged me home to get some sleep-which I didn't get-and we drove back to the hospital a few hours later. At first we thought she had SARS...but the doctors are now saying she has bronchitus or something like that. She's fifty...I don't know if she's gonna be alright or not.

It just hit me the other day that my two best friends might be moving, and I'll probably never get to see them again. I mean, I was just sitting there, and I realized that I really am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Everybody always leaves me.

So I was feeling dead inside, just like I always feel. I got to Alabama and the first thing I did was lock myself in this room with my blade. Sometimes I swear I'm going to kill myself, but then I think about how I can't ever live out my dream if I'm dead. I suppose that people need me more than they need my grave. Just a way for me to keep things in perspective...

I'm a little unhappy. I suppose people are right when they tell me I need help with depression. I tell them I'm not depressed, swallow all the pain for a minute and replace it with lies. I wonder if I have anything left to offer anyone now. Is it selfish to think about leaving everything behind, even if it is a spur of the moment kind of thing? Is it crazy to want to not live? I mean...what's so great about being here?

Then I think about it. Music. That's what's so great. That's what keeps me alive. It has nothing to do with people, or any materialistic thing...because I wouldn't describe music as that. Music is what I wake up to in the morning. It's what I have dreams about. I practically bleed, sweat, and cry music. It's the raw emotion inside of everybody that wants to get out. It's part of my soul.

I'll sit back for awhile and contemplate exactly what everything means. Whether or not what I think and say makes sense. I guess as long as I can understand it, then it doesn't matter. But I want other people to understand. I just don't know how to get them to.

So I admit defeat. Just another battle I lost with myself. One I know I'll have repeatedly-if I stick around long enough to. What I put out everyday, it seems that I get nothing back...so I'll wait until I do.

*

-Searching and waiting-
-M

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"You can be dumb or you can be smart, the definition of a rock star... [01 Apr 2003|10:10pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | "Sellout" - Bigwig ]

...is when the music is in your wallet and no longer and your heart."

*

I found out today that I'm flying to New Mexico Saturday. Ok...I've never flown on an airplane before. I mean...it's weird, 'cause everyone I know has...but I haven't yet. I'm thinking it's probably going to suck though, since we'll probably have to wait forever in line to get our bags checked and stuff...

I also found out that I might get to go to Music Midtown. Shon and Kev have tickets for the concert (it's 3 days long) but they can only go for two of the days...so I might get the extra tickets for the third day. I'm also trying to figure out a way I can go to the Good Charlotte, New Found Glory, MXPX, etc. concert. My friend has already gotten our tickets, so I just have to pay her back and plan on how to ditch the parents...

Got an LP flex hat today. It's cool. I really wanna see them in concert...I swear Shinoda...I'm coming for you...heh...no but really. I will see them one day.

Michael wants me to sing lead in his band. I don't know if my voice would collaborate well with them though. I'll have to try a few practice jam sessions with them first. It would definitely be cool if I was in the band though...'cause music is my life. I started writing a new song called "56 Reasons Why." (Aleah...you know what I'm talking about.) I'll try to write a guitar part to go with it if I ever finish the song. It could take awhile... So I don't know what else to type now.

-56 is my new lucky number-
-M

lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

'Alone' is a word that I suppose, I use in the worst case scenarios... [28 Mar 2003|11:38pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | "Breaking the Habit" - LP ... the lyrics in my head ]

Holy shit. New LP song called Breaking the Habit:

*

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight


*

Qoute from LP cd: "Mike had been trying to write a song around this lyrical idea for over five years..." Anyone else get the sense of what this song is about? Does the term 'self mutalation' come to mind? Mike used to cut? Um...whoa...

I cut...and I used to listen to Linkin Park while I did. The lyrics were like...they helped me think. I didn't know that they were that closely related though. Maybe it's just a metaphoric song? Yeah...right...:::cough:::: I need a Mikey hug now...::::whimper:::: I mean Mikey from LP not my main man Mikey or my brother Mikey. Oh god...this could get so confusing...

The whole LP cd is awesome. I dunno...it's just. Damn. Wow...you know? Still contemplating what all of this means.

-Not Breaking the Habit-
-M
2 lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"Now renegades are people with their own philosophies, they change the course of history..." [15 Mar 2003|09:39pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | "Renegades Of Funk" - Rage Against the Machine ]

Whoa...so much has happened in the past couple of weeks...I use to think my life was boring...not anymore...

-I went to a concert with Kev. We got there in time to catch the end of The Starting Line, before No Use For A Name came on. NUFAN played a kick ass set, and it was great because we were at The Tabernacle, and you're really close to the band wherever you are. When Sum 41 came on, I didn't think they could play any better than NUFAN, but they put on some pretty awesome competition. There were so many fucking spotlights though, I thought I was going to go blind. But anyway...I didn't see anyone doing the Sum 41 salute (4 fingers on your right hand, you're one middle finger on your left hand) so letting the teeny bopper side I have out for just a bit, I started saluting. Deryck saw, and at first I thought he thought I was flicking him off. But then he was like, "How many of you know the Sum 41 salute?" So he obviously got what I was doing. I swear I caught Cone's eye at least once, and Dave...oh my fucking God! If I ever had an idol, it would be him. He's a flat out kick ass maniac at guitar. I thought I was going to pass out from the rush of excitement during one of his solos. During the whole concert I was squished between these little guys, and it was really funny, 'cause you could tell they had no idea who NUFAN were, but as soon as Sum 41 came on, they were all like, "WOOHOO!" I would have loved to follow my punk rock heart into the pit, but I know if I had Kev would be draggin' me out in pieces. It was pretty vicious.

-Michael and Nathan's girlfriends broke up with them within a day of each other. Let's just say they got over it pretty quickly.

-I went to Aleah's party. I ended up in a tiny little bathroom with Michael...um...we kissed? I guess, yeah...we did.

-Michael asked me out. And he says he loves me, and maybe he does, but I have a hard time believing people...but anyway, I said yeah, 'cause he's just a really awesome person. We went out for awhile last year, but we broke up. He's one of my best friends...I dunno...hope I don't lose him.

-Michael started a band called "The Chinese Gremlins." Haha...don't ask how they got the name.

-Found out my dad has borderline diabetes, and can die of a heart attack at any minute. So we have to have all of these sugar and egg substatutes to eat now, since he can't have his cholesterol go up any more than it has. I was a vegetarian before...now I'm just...a really healthy vegetarian.

-Went shopping. (ok...that's not really big news, but when you almost never get to, it kinda is.) Got two new posters: Rancid and Sum 41<-even though I already had one of Sum. Hung the Rancid one on the ceiling above my bed. It's the picture from the cover of ...And Out Come the Wolves. So I wake up every morning to Tim holding his head between his knees. It helps/makes me think a lot. ::::shrug:::: Hung the Sum 41 poster somewhere on the wall. Other stuff I got: a pair of Dickies capris and shorts, a star stud belt, two tank tops, and some other random pair of capris. And oh my god...my dad came home with a Ramones album. Not for me...for him! Not that I really listen to the Ramones very much...but did I miss something? Since when did my parents start listening to music that was against them? Oh well...it's an improvement. At least he's listening to more than blues now.

-Found out something about Michael(can you tell how almost everything that's happened has involved him?) that I can't even write here. One of those things that I'll have to take to my grave... It's not so bad, but the important part is he thinks it is...so I'm not saying(typing) anything about it...except for that.

-Dyed my hair black...and it turned out purple. Had to go to school with it to. We're not supposed to have "unnatural" hair colors at our school, but I didn't feel like re-dying it. Went to school and everyone stared. Ha. I own this town. Or I will...I know people are just waiting to see what I'm going to do next. The funny part is: it was picture day. So my hair is purple in my class photo. No big deal to me, but I'm sure everyone who bought a picture is going to be freaked out. I felt special, 'cause the guy who was helping with the camera was really hot(and only a grade or so above me), and he said my hair looked awesome. Note that he is also very nice. The camera girl thought my hair was "kick ass." Go me!

Ok...well I can't think of anything else right now...so yeah. Muchos loves. -M

1 lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

"This town is full of dumb reminders..." [01 Mar 2003|08:25am]
[ mood | sore ]
[ music | "Dumb Reminders" - NUFAN ]

My first journal entry...yeah. I had to lift weights the other day in gym class, and I think I pulled a muscle. It feels like someone took a big ass needle and fucking shoved it through my arm. Ouch.

I took a test awhile ago, and I just updated it. It's my info, and I typed it up 'cause I'm bored, and I would rather work on that than the shitty science essay I'm supposed to be writing.

Hits, Kicks, and Guitar Licks )

Yeah...well I'm stoked 'cause I'm going to see Sum 41, No Use For A Name, The Starting Line, and Authority Zero tomorrow with my bro. Fun shit. Can't wait.

1 lungs that gasp for breath from emotional stress

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