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Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
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10:48a - The Claw
05/12/06
Tina moved out today. Day before my graduation. She took her movies and her clothes. She took the Boston hoody… the Boston hoody. U know THE one that she was wearing the first time we ever met, the one she was wearing the first time we kissed, the one she sprayed with her perfume and I slept with the arms of it wrapped around me every night she was away in April when her pop pop passed away, the one she left me last time she left me… the one I slept with after she left me, she took it this time. I’m just waiting to see Kenna wearing it around… THE Boston hoody…
She told me on our first date, to 50 First Dates, that she was going to marry a girl who could win her things out of the crane machine. So, I walked over, put a couple quarters in that claw machine at the mall and won her a little white teddy bear with a heart in the middle and signed it on the bottom with the date and my name… Since then I’ve won about six things out of the crane machine for her, including a KU teddy bear that took like five different times at the crane machine of winning tickets to get it at the arcade place. She left it here, left it sitting on the book shelf, yep. Told me she’d marry the girl who could win at the crane machine, I won, and won, pretty much every time I’ve put quarters in there I’ve won at that thing for her, but I guess we’re not getting married huh?? I guess I’m not quite good enough, seems to be the story of my life - Nyk
current mood:  blank
current music: It Matters To Me (comment on this)
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10:49a - Graduation
05/13/06
So... graduation... it was... it was what it was but it wasn't all that (sister act part dos) I don't know. It was weird. All of these family members telling me congratulations when I haven't done anything yet. I really haven't. I mean, I'm not done. What if I never get done? What if I'm one of those people like ALicia who turns 38 and still needs only one more class to graduate?? I don't know. It was just like it meant nothing to me. It wasn't special because I'm not done. And I don't know if I have faith enough to believe I will get done. I don't know. And then I had to tell everyone there I was a failure. It was the first time I told anyone I wasn't going to Boston. Yeah... so I feel like no matter what, even if I do actually get this dumb degree, I'm still a failure. I still didn't do what I said I was going to do. I don't know. I know I need to look at the things I've done, but all I can see are the things I didn't do. And people who told me they'd be there didn't show up. AMy didn't come... I'm hoping something happened. I think something happened, but she hasn't even e-mailed me yet to say sorry or just say, Hey couldn't make it... or something. Alicia said she was coming down, I called her twice, she hasn't called back. Darren didn't come, had some family thing I guess... I don't know. My cousin didn't come or send anything, neither did Mrs. Pauly. I odn't know. I was sad today, really sad. Tina wasn't completely there, she had stuff going on with her g/f I understand 'cause it was important, but it still was crazy. And now I'm leaving all these people and I didn't even get to say goodbye to most of them. It's not like high school where everyone is there and says I'll miss u keep in touch. It's so anti-climatic... I don't know, just strange feeling... strange... I think I'm going to go take a nap. haven't slept really in a bout three days... - Nyk
current mood:  crazy
current music: keys being pushed on the keyboard (1 comment |comment on this)
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10:55a - I love my mom!
05/14/06
Mom called me today. I had a hard day yesterday. She knew I was having a hard time. She said to me, “Sometimes I wish I could just sweep you up in my arms and carry you away to somewhere safe”… I love my mother. She knows I’m hurting. She was looking through LHA pics yesterday, came to one of Tina hugging me real big before the performance. (mom didn’t know at the time we weren’t together, when she took the pic) She looked at the picture and said, “Does it hurt”… does it hurt, ha, I think that might be an understatement slightly. I’m gonna make a scrap book of us, Tina and me… I’m working on the LHA one and found a bunch of pictures of us together from Christmas, and well just times together. I want to make one. I think it will be good. It’ll make me reminisce but it will also let me see that just because things suck now it doesn’t mean that it always sucked or that it was all fake. Tina asked me that the other day. She said, “Just because it didn’t work out, why does that mean it was all a lie” It wasn’t I guess. When she said she’d love me forever she meant it at the time, and maybe it was a forever, some kind of forever, what we had… a forever that can never be again but that will be a forever of its own in a little bubble separate from any other time in my life. Ah, I’ll get over it someday. I’m dealing with it at least. I know that we’ll never be together again. I don’t want to admit it, but I do know that even though part of it was great and part of it was everything I wanted, it will never be that it again. Guess I just need to learn to be alone, do my things alone, be myself apart from anyone else. Need to find validity within myself. I will someday. - Nyk
current mood:  cynical
current music: The Dance - Garth Brooks (comment on this)
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10:57a - Death Be Not Proud
05/15/06
There Goes My Life
“So much for ditching this town, hanging out on the coast, oh well those plans are long gone… there goes my life. There goes my future, my everything, might as well kiss it all goodbye. There goes my life.”
This is a really sweet song, but this quote makes me think about where I’m at right now. I know that life doesn’t all work out the way you plan it. Life gets in the way of living. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that whenever a door closes another one opens. But I think my door is a window on the 32nd floor and I can’t fly, can’t decide whether or not to jump… I don’t know. I had everything planned out so perfectly, kind of like last time before she left. Now, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve never not been in school, ever, since I was like five. I can’t imagine not being in school. I hope I get involved in something, anything up there in Lawrence, or KC, or wherever I decide to go. I don’t want to feel like I’m just living life without accomplishing anything. I can’t stand letting time pass and feeling like nothing is getting done. I know I’m going to die young. I’ve always known this. Like, really, I think I’m going to accept myself, be happy, see my dreams and be on the road to achieve them, I’ll have all the money saved up for Boston, have a place, have a girlfriend, everything I’ve dreamed of, and two days before I move I’ll get hit by a bus. I’m telling you. I just know that’s how it’s going to go down. So I don’t want to waste any time just letting life pass me by. I have to be active in my life while I still can. I know that as soon as I have the true complete want to live my life is when I’ll find out it’s ending. I’m such a cynic. I can’t help it… - Nyk
current mood: cynical
current music: There Goes My Life (comment on this)
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