Nic's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2006-08-11 14:30
Subject:Myspace
Security:Public
Mood: crappy

So, I know I haven't posted here in a long time, mostly because I found the wonderful world of myspace, and blogs. Most of my journal entries have been put up there 'cause well, I like it better, what can I say? So if you wanna know 'bout my life, you should go there and read. Good times, great oldies - Nyk

myspace addy: http://www.myspace.com/genderwars

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Date:2006-06-22 08:04
Subject:Amazing Person
Security:Public
Mood:alone

She tells me I'm an amazing person. I think she's said that phrase about ten times to me. I'm an amazing person. But not amazing enough to be with, not amazing enough to even see where it goes... just amazing enough to be friends... that's who I am to everyone... this amazing person that they don't want to be with...

I really wish I could be numb... I wish I could sleep through the next 15 years of my life but have it move on and accomplish everything I want to. I want to wake up with a wife, kids, a PhD. and a good job. But really all I want is to be amazing to someone in the way that I want someone to be amazing for me.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel... I feel a lot of things. I guess the best two words to describe it are "not enough"... that's what I feel. I feel not enough, not enough to change the world, not enough to find someone, not enough to be someone's one and only or even one in twenty... just not enough. I want to be enough. I don't want to be anyone's everything. I don't want to save the entire world. I don't want to be the master of the universe. I just want to be enough, but even that seems to high of standards for me... I don't know. I'm still slightly drunk. I'm very much on my pitty pot. And I want to turn my life off, or start it over again, or just go back in time and tell myself as a little girl that a wedding with the dress, and family, and little flower person, is not everything in life. I want to tell myself as a little girl that I am good enough, then maybe by the time I got to this point I would be.

Andrea was at the bar last night too. She confronted me three times. Even grabbed me by the collar. I was scared, not about getting beat up. It happens right. I've been beaten before. But I told her that she was going to get in trouble, maybe even thrown out, and I didn't want her to. that's what I was worried about. I know that I hurt her and I feel bad, even though I was just living my life. I wish she could move on because it hurts her to hold on to this. Maybe I should let her beat me up, then maybe she'd get over it or at least feel better. Who knows...

My life right? crazy, like always, and I really wish i could just stop being a part of it... - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 08:02
Subject:Another Bites The Dust
Security:Public
Mood: sad

06/18/06

Another Bites The Dust

I don’t know why I say that. It’s not even how I feel. But I want to come off as strong and cocky and tough. I’m not though, not at all. I know we hadn’t known each other for very long. I liked her though. It’s not even just her. It’s the fact that I have found another person who does not want to be with me. I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s a reminder. It reiterates the fact that no one will ever want to be with me because I’m … too something, or not enough of something. I don’t know.

I think I was too honest. I told myself no more fake Nicki… no more pretending to be something I’m not. I’m going to be myself from the beginning. I’m going to let her know who I am in all its screwed up ways. I told her about my troubles with sex. I told her about my… decorations on my arms. I let myself be open with her. I told her about the drag at Tootsie’s. I even wore a tie out on our first date. I told myself that if I ever wanted it to work with someone I had to be upfront and honest from the beginning. I think that was my mistake. It took the others a lot longer to find out about my crap. That’s why they stuck around longer. She knew from the beginning so she left sooner. It’s again not even like I knew that something was there. How could it? It was way too soon to know anything. But I wanted to start it out right to stop setting myself up for failure. I scared her off though. I don’t know. I’m not even sure how I feel. I’m not mad. I’m not even as hurt now I was yesterday. Yesterday I was sad, I mean sad… for the first three hours or so of work I just felt like crying the whole time. I just kept thinking about how impossible it will be for me to ever find someone who likes me.

She was too good for me too I think. She was nice, sweet, just a good person. Those aren’t the kinds of people I date. I don’t know. We’re friends and that’s fine. I like being her friend. Like I said, it’s so much more than just the fact that this girl I really started to like wants to just be friends. It’s that I feel like no one will ever love me. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.

My reunion made me feel really alone. My family when I went home made me feel really alone. Going with Tina and listening to her talk about Kenna all day made me feel really alone. Feelings like I don’t have a connection with anyone anymore makes me feel really alone. Now, I kind of felt grounded with her, not like an attached grounded, just more linked to the human race I guess. But maybe I am alone, right now, maybe I need to be. Maybe God is putting me in a place I need to be, but it sure sucks right now - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 08:01
Subject:Will I Ever Be A Writer??
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

06/17/06

I’m thinking about my writing again… and I’m worried. Surprised, of course not, concerned, very… I don’t know if I’ll ever make anything of all these stupid words I put onto pages. I sent out my poetry in January. Anyone remember that… yeah well, there’s about eight places that haven’t let me know yet. There’s been 24 rejections… 24. I don’t even want to type this on here because I feel like such a failure. Ahh, and I know that the way I went about sending stuff out wasn’t the best way to do it. I didn’t just send my very best stuff to the magazines that printed those kinds of poems. I sent all kinds of things out, some that sucked I’m sure. I know that there are other places to send things besides literary magazines. Yet, I feel like I have not done anything. I feel like I am being told that it’s never going to happen. Do you know how many writers there are in this country??? Good writers, writers who make you say, that’s a good line. So how dare I think that my “good lines” are going to go anywhere. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t have faith, but I guess it kind of is. It’s that I don’t think I’m good enough. I just write words that are in my head. That’s not a writer. That’s like everyone in this planet. So maybe I should just give up, but I don’t want to. This is my dream, one of my biggest I think. I want to be published. I want people to read my stuff and say wow, yes. Maybe I can’t make anyone think that. Maybe I don’t even know… I need to get ready for work. I don’t want to go to work. It’s lonely there, and quiet and I think too much. I haven’t written a poem since… I don’t even know… maybe LHA…
Side Note: so she just told me, the one I was talking earlier, just told me that she can’t date right now, she needs to be alone. I told her that’s cool ‘cause it is, but yeah. I know that I shouldn’t let myself like someone… ah, I scared her off I’m sure. I did something or said something today to make her feel like she had to get out quickly… ahh, I’m so tired of liking people. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I wish I could turn my heart to stone I really do… if only…)

Writing… I haven’t written in a really long time, nothing worth anything anyway. Not that anything I write is worth something, but you know what I mean… I don’t know why I haven’t written. It’s like everything I start to write turns into something so pathetically hackneyed that I can’t even finish writing it. I think I’ve become too critical before I even write a piece. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever write anything. Maybe I just haven’t felt creative lately. Maybe I’m just not thinking about writing because I sit in class all day and work all night, and then try to sleep. I did write something in Sociology the other day I guess, but it’s not very good. Again, hackneyed. I don’t even know where my notebook is. Maybe I’ll post it later… I don’t know what thoughts are going through my head anymore. I’ve always said I wanted to be a writer but maybe I just meant that I always want to write. I want to write, but I’m not sure if I can stand all the rejection that comes with being a writer. Hmm… who knows what will happen with me. I don’t. But I guess everyone gets rejection at first, but I think I need to look at what I can do better and maybe work on my pieces more and really have faith in the few I send out next time, but I think I didn’t do that because then if they get rejected it’s a lot more painful than getting your crap rejected… I don’t know… maybe I need new dreams - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 08:00
Subject:Children....
Security:Public
Mood: frustrated

06/17/06

So, I’m really confused and worried about this world I’m a part of… I was thinking about raising my children after this weekend and the reunion. I want to raise my kids who don’t feel they have to be a certain way because society tells them they have to be, but I don’t want to turn my children into political tools. I am not having them to perpetuate my political views. And I don’t want them to feel like they have to be gay or break the stereotypes just because I teach them they are bad. Sometimes people just fit into the stereotypes, as themselves, and that’s fine, as long as that’s who they really are. I’m afraid though. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to teach my children to break out of society and still let them be comfortable participating in it. I don’t know what it’ll be like, but it scares me a lot. I want to teach my children to be themselves, but I want them to be able to make friends and to participate in society. I don’t even know how my family will accept them if I raise them this way, so how can I tell them to be themselves if their own family won’t support them. I don’t know what to do honestly. I mean I know I’m not having children right now, but it’s something I think about a lot. I really do. I don’t know… I know I worry too much, but this is something so important to me. I want my children to be themselves and love themselves no matter what that entails and I will love them no matter what, but I don’t know how to teach them all of this while being a part of this f-ed up American culture. Talk about mixed signals…. My poor children… but then again I think it would be so much better than them having to figure it out when they get older and have already tried to destroy themselves because they couldn’t accept who they were. I’ve been there and I don’t want my children to feel that way ever. I just wonder sometimes how this world can be the way it is and it makes me sad and I wonder if it’ll ever get better and I try so hard to make it better, and I just hope that something I do someday will change it somehow, just a little… just to make it a little easier for those that come after me - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 07:57
Subject:My Family...
Security:Public
Mood: discontent

06/17/06

My family, we had a run in this weekend while I was down for the reunion. Not really a run in because of course I kind of dropped the subject. But we were at the restaurant and my dad brought up this thing he had heard about someone trying to get bathrooms in the elementary school that let boys and girls go in the same. I told him they were unisex bathrooms and that a lot of colleges were getting them and businesses because some people aren’t comfortable going into a bathroom that specifies sex. I told him I hated going to bathroom in public and almost never did unless I absolutely had to because I was always stared at and it made me feel dirty just because I had to pee and I have short hair. Ahh… and they just talked about how it wasn’t appropriate for children and that you had to teach your children social norms until they were old enough to figure them out for themselves. I just felt the same way I feel around some of my friends who think drag is gross or weird, even people of the gay community. And when I told Barb I was working at Tootsie’s and Missie B’s I didn’t tell her I was going to be doing drag. I feel ashamed of something that makes me feel so alive. I hate it so much. I love my family but I feel like even though I cam out to them I still sensor myself around them. I feel like they are practicing tolerance with me which is so freaking lame. They love me because I’m their family and they are maybe even accepting of me being a lesbian, but they are not supportive. They are not at all supportive. I feel like these things that are really important in my life are things I can’t share with them because they won’t understand. I don’t know. I also feel like they aren’t accepting of my lesbianism in practice. I mean, they know I’m a lesbian and I can bring my girlfriend home, but there are no jokes about sex, that’s wrong, even though Tashina makes jokes all the time about her and Kyle. And Jr. does about him and Barb and their just jokes. But I feel like I can’t make jokes because it will gross them out. I feel like I can’t hold my girlfriend’s hand in front of them. I just feel like I’m disconnected from them and I don’t know how to connect back to them. When I have children, I will let my little boy wear pink if he wants to, I’m not going to put him in it when he’s two months old because that’s me imposing my views and politics onto him. But I’m also not going to teach him he can’t wear it. And I know my family will have a problem with that. I know that they will say that I’m not being a good parent. And I just feel like I’m part of this world that they don’t understand and never want to understand. They are comfortable where they are and have no desire to move from there even when I need them to. I don’t know. I love my family to death. I just feel like I can’t be my whole self with them and that I have to be somewhat false about some things. I feel like they would not support me in anything in the GLBT community because they don’t get it. It makes me sad, but it’s pretty much just the way it’s gonna have to be I’m afraid - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 07:53
Subject:Disconnected
Security:Public
Mood: lonely

06/17/06

I went home this weekend for my high school reunion. There’s a lot of things that I am going to write about it. It was weird. I felt so alone the whole time. I felt like these people had no idea who I was anymore. I am such a different person than I was in high school and I felt like there wasn’t even a common ground that I could meet these people on. I felt so disconnected from people I was even really close with in high school. They don’t know me at all anymore and there’s nothing you can do in two hours of hanging around these people to let them know who you’ve become. I just really felt so out of place and it was crazy because a lot of those people still live in Conway and hang out every weekend and party at the bars together and have their kids in the same classes at the school. It’s just weird. I don’t know. And every single person there was married with kids except my sister, she’s married, not kids yet. Then there was me, there with Tina who missed her girlfriend the whole time we were there. We went to eat with my dad for his birthday. There, my dad and his fiancée, that’s right my dad is getting married again finally, Sept. 23rd, yeah, and then Jr. and Barb who are going on their second honey moon next month, and my sister and her husband who have been married for two and a half years already. And me sitting next to my ex-girlfriend who is in love with some other girl. The whole time I just felt so alone. I’ve been alone before like physically. I don’t mind that really. Sometimes I like being alone physically. Sometimes I need to be by myself. But I felt, lonely I guess, but it doesn’t seem like a strong enough word, I just felt alone, I could feel inside myself how alone I was. This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve felt this so strongly. There was no one there for me, no high school friends, no significant other, no family even. Some crap went down with the family too that made me feel just completely alone in this world like I am the only one who understands me at all. I felt like there is no one in my life that gets me or even wants to relate to me. I just felt like I was the only one out there disconnected from everything that surrounded me. I was laying down in the truck on the car ride home just looking up at the ceiling wondering where I’m going or what I’m doing. It’s not that I’m depressed or that I don’t want to live life. I really do. I just feel like I’m the only one who wants me to I guess. I just feel completely alone. That’s all I can say… - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-22 07:46
Subject:Stupid Words Fly Out of my Open Mouth
Security:Public
Mood: scared

06/17/06

I told her I was scared today. I told her I was scared that I was going to do something to make her not like me anymore. That’s about all I went into, but there’s a lot more. I’m scared for a lot of reasons. I’m scared that I’m going to like her too much. I’m scared that she’s going to hurt me. I’m scared that I’m going to do something to make her hurt me. I’m scared that I can’t handle hurting anymore and knowing it’s all my fault.

I told her last night that I liked her a lot. She told me she thought she could like me a lot too. She’s not sure I guess. She told me today that she thinks we’re moving too fast. Maybe we are. We went out Tuesday and haven’t been apart since then except when either of us were at work. I agree we should take it slow. I do. I need to take it slow. She really needs to take it slow. But it makes me really sad. I don’t even know how I feel about it honestly. She asked me if I was upset with her before she left for work. I told her no. I’m not at all upset with her. I just wish I knew… something. I don’t even know what I want to know. It just makes me wonder if she even likes me since she wants to slow it down. I mean, it makes me wonder if she wants anything at all. Maybe she’s just being more rational than I am. But I’m a rational person. It’s not like I want to move I with her or like I’m making life plans or anything, but yes we have spent a lot of time together, but it’s because I like spending time with her. I just think that maybe she won’t be ready ever and I’m not even saying I know that I want her to be ready ever. I mean, I honestly don’t know anything about us or if there is anything that’s going to last, but I’m scared I will think there is and she won’t, or she’ll just be afraid of it. The thing is I’m just sitting her feeling like I need to cry and I don’t even know why. I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I’m trying to sit here and type long enough to figure it out, but there’s nothing coming to me. I just want it to be okay. I want us to be able to see where it leads, but I’m not looking for any type of commitment. I’m not. I just wonder if she’ll keep us from coming close at all or seeing where we’re going because she’s too scared. I like her. I know that I like her. I don’t know how much or in what way exactly yet because we just started hanging out a few days ago. But I can say that yes I like her. She doesn’t even know how she feels about me enough to say she likes me I think that’s what scares me, not the physical or technical part of being together or anything, but of the emotions I’m willing to look at that I think she isn’t. She said she doesn’t want to put emotion in relationships a lot. That’s I think what frightens me. I don’t know what’s going to happen. She’s picking me up from work tonight ‘cause T’s out of town with the truck. I don’t know if we’ll spend the night together or not, but I hope we at least talk. Even though I don’t know what to say because I’m just really confused. I’ve been trying really hard not to smother her. I mean, I’m not really a smothering type of person, but I’ve been extra cautious about it. Like today when she woke up for work and asked if I wanted her to bring me home or if I just wanted to hang out at her place. I told her I didn’t care ‘cause I don’t want her to feel obligated to let me stay or to hang out with me once she gets off. She tells me I should just stay there and sleep ‘cause she’d be home at 12:30 so I could sleep in and then watch cable or play on her internet and she’d be home soon. Then she gets home and we cuddle and we seem happy and then she tells me she thinks we’re moving too fast. And that’s fine. She feels that way and I’m glad she told me, but like I said, I don’t know exactly what to do. I didn’t call her after I knew she was off yesterday because I didn’t want to be too smothering, but she called me right when she got off and came and hung out ‘til her next job. I wanted to hang with her, but I didn’t want to push myself on her. And I really think it’s a case of her wanting to hang out with me but her brain telling her she needs to chill out. I don’t know if she’s been really hurt and that’s what it’s about or not. I just have a lot of questions and just feel sad right now. I don’t know… it’s weird. But I have to go get ready for work myself. So I guess this is all the time I have to think about things… - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-09 11:01
Subject:Missing Her
Security:Public
Mood: nostalgic

06-05-06

So I went to KC Pride this weekend. It was… interesting I guess is the word for it. I think I’m going to write a couple entries about it because I have a lot of different feelings about it all… anyway, there were so many couples there. I got this picture of this sweet couple that had been together for eight years and had two little twin girls that were 4. They were so freaking cute. We played catch with their beach balls, the girls and I not the couple. Anyway, I don’t know. It was sweet to see all of these families there. It made me sad since technically Tina and I were supposed to be getting married on Saturday… but it was sweet and gave me hope for the families of the future. Even though Bush spoke today about the marriage amendment… whatever. Stupid politicians. We went to The Fox Sunday night for a while before Tootsie’s so we could get drunk cheaper and just to hang and play pool until Tootsie’s cleared out some. Well, it was karaoke night and I swear these people like were trying to get me to cry. They played like five songs that made me think of Tina and we were only there for an hour or so. They played Broken, which makes me think of her because I feel that way now but also because when we first started dating she learned how to play it on the guitar because she knew I liked it and she tried to teach me how to play. They played 2 a.m. which is the first CD Tina bought after we broke up last time and I sat up listening to three songs from that CD over and over again last time we were apart. They played If You Only Knew which was my first drag song ever and I dedicated to Tina. We had only been dating about three months when I performed it. It talks about her looking at him with her blue eyes and when she says she loves him… and it meant a lot to me and still does. And they played that dumb country song about booties or whatever. Tina sang it to me at karaoke at the PRIDE prom… I don’t know. It was weird. I missed her a lot this weekend even though I met a bunch of girls and danced with a lot and made out with a couple and got a bunch of numbers. But, I just wished she was there with me, but I don’t know. I think I’m moving on. I really do. Just some things remind me of us and I miss it, like Kelli, who was there, talking about how much Tina talked about me and said how obsessed she was with me before we ever started dating and how she didn’t understand how she could go from that to not wanting to be with me. Sometimes I like to think about back then too even though I know we could never get back to that, I wish I could just travel back in time and appreciate them more. But it’ll be okay someday I think. I kind of met this girl that I really like. I’m going to write another entry about that. But Pride in general was cool. It was my first and I had fun. I didn’t get burnt though, not even a little tan or anything. I’m still as white as a ghost, but that’s okay. But I think I’ll go next year if I’m around. - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-09 11:00
Subject:HEADLINER!!!
Security:Public
Mood: hopeful
Music:Built Like That - Alix Olson

06-05-06

So I met this girl Sunday night at Tootsie’s. Well, we met Saturday night at the coffee shop. She’s Liz’s friend. But we talked at Tootsie’s Sunday night. Her name is Amanda. She’s 23. I think she’s a Sagittarius. I think that’s what Liz told me. But it was so funny. This guy she knows walked up and she called him Hamlet so we started talking about Shakespeare and we started quoting plays and testing each other on them. I was like “dude, we are sitting in the lesbian bar drinking and quoting Shakespeare. We’re losers”. Then she asked me what else I was interested in and I told her feminist theory so we started talking about Gloria Steinman and stuff, I don’t know it was so awesome. We just clicked really well. I mean, feminism and Shakespeare, she definitely knows a way to a girl’s heart, or at least mine. She’s going to law school when she gets her BA. She’s really cool. I don’t know. We’re gonna talk some. AND, she knows the people that run the drag show at Tootsie’s and I met them and I have an audition to be a HEADLINER. It’s awesome. I don’t know. She’s an awesome person. I hope that we talk more. I really do want to get to know her. I still want to be single, but I think we could definitely bond. And, Liz told me I could move up to KC in August and live rent free ‘til I get a job and then only pay $250 a month, which is awesome. And she thinks she can get me on at her place of business which would be great. I don’t know. I’m just setting up all this stuff which makes me so happy. I feel like I might actually be going somewhere in my life. It’s just gonna be hard to wait around here for another couple of months waiting to go somewhere. I really think I can perform more with my slam poetry up there too. PJ wants to lay down some of my poems with his jazz trio so I can have a CD to give out up there too. I don’t know. I actually think that things might be working out for once or at least have the potential to work out finally. It makes me feel like I’m doing something finally. I’m really excited about it all. I don’t know. I really hope these things work out. I’m gonna work on them. I wanna work on getting published too. I don’t know. I think I might have set myself to accomplish something in my life. I sure hope so. And I really hope Amanda and I continue to talk at least… I don’t know. Maybe something good will happen - Nyk

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Date:2006-06-09 10:55
Subject:Words, words, words...
Security:Public
Mood: complacent

05-29-06

During this whole thing, I’ve barely written at all. I’m busy now with work and summer school, but it’s not just that. I haven’t even felt like writing. I haven’t felt inspired to write. Usually after a break-up I write the most. I write tons of completely hackneyed and melodramatic poems that are so horrible and overly dramatic when I read them later on, but at the time I’m writing them it’s really how I feel. At that moment I really think I can’t go on or whatever. But this time, I’m so sad I don’t even want to write about it. I’m not sure if this is making the healing process better or worse. I don’t dwell in crap but I think I’m also not dealing with it. I don’t know why I haven’t written, or why I haven’t even felt like it. I’ve written tons of journal entries in my head but haven’t typed them. I’ve forgotten them even which may mean I’ve dealt with those certain things. I don’t know. I’ve been too busy with work and most of the time when I’m home I just want to sleep a lot so I don’t have to think at all I’ve gone back to playing computer games to keep me from thinking, computer games, and music and lots of alcohol at all times when I can’t stop thinking. I don’t know being addicted to the internet is better than like doing drugs to stop thinking right? Who knows what’s going on? “I don’t know if I’ve ever been really love by a hand that’s touched me” – Matchbox 20. I’m just telling myself not to think at all so I don’t write because you have to think to write. I’m just trying to be numb, but then something happens that makes me remember it all and I break down and bawl a lot and call her sometimes too many times apparently. Today, I was told, texted I guess, that she wants to be friends but she’s not sure if we can because she doesn’t want to hear about how she hurts me. She doesn’t want to be friends if part of that is being here for me through this because I’m “dragging this break-up on and on and on”. She’s moved on and so should I she said. Yeah, she’s got a girlfriend to help her move on. She’s got someone else she loves already. My heart is still hers only she has this girl’s too and makes it clear constantly that she no longer wants mine. We’ve come to the agreement we can hang and she’ll be my friend as long as I stop talking about how badly I’m hurting or how much I miss her, etc. At least its something. I can’t completely lose her - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-16 10:57
Subject:Death Be Not Proud
Security:Public
Mood: cynical
Music:There Goes My Life

05/15/06

There Goes My Life

“So much for ditching this town, hanging out on the coast, oh well those plans are long gone… there goes my life. There goes my future, my everything, might as well kiss it all goodbye. There goes my life.”

This is a really sweet song, but this quote makes me think about where I’m at right now. I know that life doesn’t all work out the way you plan it. Life gets in the way of living. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that whenever a door closes another one opens. But I think my door is a window on the 32nd floor and I can’t fly, can’t decide whether or not to jump… I don’t know. I had everything planned out so perfectly, kind of like last time before she left. Now, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve never not been in school, ever, since I was like five. I can’t imagine not being in school. I hope I get involved in something, anything up there in Lawrence, or KC, or wherever I decide to go. I don’t want to feel like I’m just living life without accomplishing anything. I can’t stand letting time pass and feeling like nothing is getting done. I know I’m going to die young. I’ve always known this. Like, really, I think I’m going to accept myself, be happy, see my dreams and be on the road to achieve them, I’ll have all the money saved up for Boston, have a place, have a girlfriend, everything I’ve dreamed of, and two days before I move I’ll get hit by a bus. I’m telling you. I just know that’s how it’s going to go down. So I don’t want to waste any time just letting life pass me by. I have to be active in my life while I still can. I know that as soon as I have the true complete want to live my life is when I’ll find out it’s ending. I’m such a cynic. I can’t help it… - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-16 10:55
Subject:I love my mom!
Security:Public
Mood: cynical
Music:The Dance - Garth Brooks

05/14/06

Mom called me today. I had a hard day yesterday. She knew I was having a hard time. She said to me, “Sometimes I wish I could just sweep you up in my arms and carry you away to somewhere safe”… I love my mother. She knows I’m hurting. She was looking through LHA pics yesterday, came to one of Tina hugging me real big before the performance. (mom didn’t know at the time we weren’t together, when she took the pic) She looked at the picture and said, “Does it hurt”… does it hurt, ha, I think that might be an understatement slightly. I’m gonna make a scrap book of us, Tina and me… I’m working on the LHA one and found a bunch of pictures of us together from Christmas, and well just times together. I want to make one. I think it will be good. It’ll make me reminisce but it will also let me see that just because things suck now it doesn’t mean that it always sucked or that it was all fake. Tina asked me that the other day. She said, “Just because it didn’t work out, why does that mean it was all a lie” It wasn’t I guess. When she said she’d love me forever she meant it at the time, and maybe it was a forever, some kind of forever, what we had… a forever that can never be again but that will be a forever of its own in a little bubble separate from any other time in my life. Ah, I’ll get over it someday. I’m dealing with it at least. I know that we’ll never be together again. I don’t want to admit it, but I do know that even though part of it was great and part of it was everything I wanted, it will never be that it again. Guess I just need to learn to be alone, do my things alone, be myself apart from anyone else. Need to find validity within myself. I will someday. - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-16 10:49
Subject:Graduation
Security:Public
Mood: crazy
Music:keys being pushed on the keyboard

05/13/06

So... graduation... it was... it was what it was but it wasn't all that (sister act part dos) I don't know. It was weird. All of these family members telling me congratulations when I haven't done anything yet. I really haven't. I mean, I'm not done. What if I never get done? What if I'm one of those people like ALicia who turns 38 and still needs only one more class to graduate?? I don't know. It was just like it meant nothing to me. It wasn't special because I'm not done. And I don't know if I have faith enough to believe I will get done. I don't know. And then I had to tell everyone there I was a failure. It was the first time I told anyone I wasn't going to Boston. Yeah... so I feel like no matter what, even if I do actually get this dumb degree, I'm still a failure. I still didn't do what I said I was going to do. I don't know. I know I need to look at the things I've done, but all I can see are the things I didn't do. And people who told me they'd be there didn't show up. AMy didn't come... I'm hoping something happened. I think something happened, but she hasn't even e-mailed me yet to say sorry or just say, Hey couldn't make it... or something. Alicia said she was coming down, I called her twice, she hasn't called back. Darren didn't come, had some family thing I guess... I don't know. My cousin didn't come or send anything, neither did Mrs. Pauly. I odn't know. I was sad today, really sad. Tina wasn't completely there, she had stuff going on with her g/f I understand 'cause it was important, but it still was crazy. And now I'm leaving all these people and I didn't even get to say goodbye to most of them. It's not like high school where everyone is there and says I'll miss u keep in touch. It's so anti-climatic... I don't know, just strange feeling... strange... I think I'm going to go take a nap. haven't slept really in a bout three days... - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-16 10:48
Subject:The Claw
Security:Public
Mood: blank
Music:It Matters To Me

05/12/06

Tina moved out today. Day before my graduation. She took her movies and her clothes. She took the Boston hoody… the Boston hoody. U know THE one that she was wearing the first time we ever met, the one she was wearing the first time we kissed, the one she sprayed with her perfume and I slept with the arms of it wrapped around me every night she was away in April when her pop pop passed away, the one she left me last time she left me… the one I slept with after she left me, she took it this time. I’m just waiting to see Kenna wearing it around… THE Boston hoody…

She told me on our first date, to 50 First Dates, that she was going to marry a girl who could win her things out of the crane machine. So, I walked over, put a couple quarters in that claw machine at the mall and won her a little white teddy bear with a heart in the middle and signed it on the bottom with the date and my name… Since then I’ve won about six things out of the crane machine for her, including a KU teddy bear that took like five different times at the crane machine of winning tickets to get it at the arcade place. She left it here, left it sitting on the book shelf, yep. Told me she’d marry the girl who could win at the crane machine, I won, and won, pretty much every time I’ve put quarters in there I’ve won at that thing for her, but I guess we’re not getting married huh?? I guess I’m not quite good enough, seems to be the story of my life - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-08 10:58
Subject:Completely Forgettable...
Security:Public
Mood: crushed
Music:Papa Roach

05/07/06
F-ing MORON!!
So, I’m an idiot, a moron. We’ve established this quite thoroughly in the past couple of weeks I think. It’s almost six hours now after she said she’d stop by with the phone, take a shower, and pick me up. Yeah, six hours. It’s 11:08 right now. I haven’t eaten all day. Didn’t feel like it. My tummy’s talking to me though right now… It’s so f-cking hilarious, or maybe pathetic is the word I’m looking for… I really thought they were gonna come get me. HA HA, I even wouldn’t let myself cry after about thirty minutes after talking to her ‘cause I didn’t want to be crying when they came. Right, five and a half hours later, I was still sitting here thinking that I had to wipe my tears about every two minutes just in case they came. They’re not coming, right? Everyone reading this knows this right, they would have f-cking known it like four hours ago… yeah, not me, I’m still sitting here thinking, maybe they’ll come. Just maybe they haven’t all f-cking forgotten about me. Then I remember how forgettable I really am and I realize they aren’t coming. I sat on my computer playing games and listening to Papa Roach for six hours just waiting, watching the time pass. AHH, I’m such a moron! It pisses me off so much that I still f-cking have faith in her. I don’t know why. It’s not like she’s given me any reason to believe in her, and yet, I f-cking do. And every time it’s a surprise that she doesn’t come, that she lets me down, every f-cking time. HELLO!!! I’m supposed to be smart, or at least not stupid, but that’s obviously not true when it comes to her. Ah, I want to stop crying. I’m so tired of crying. I have a final tomorrow morning at 9. I’m supposed to have this huge manifesto thing typed up for it. Think I’m doing?? NOPE, I can’t. I tried. I sat there and tried and I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about her dumb butt. Ah, I don’t even care. That’s the worst part. She can fail me and it won’t matter ‘cause it’s not like I’m doing anything in August that I’ll need my degree for. So who cares. Ah, God, help me… ah, I think God forgot about me too. Everyone else does why not him?? They were all hanging out, all of these people that call themselves my friends. All of them at Laura’s. I hang out there all the time… and they were all hanging out there tonight. There were at least five of them in that car when I was talking to Tina. A-rod even talked to me on the phone and asked if I was coming over. Yet, none of them, not Tina who promised she’d bring me the phone, not Carrie whom I spent the whole day with yesterday… not Natalie who hugged me last night and told me it would all be okay. None of them are here, none of them have tried to let me know they’re thinking about me at all and it’s because none of them are. They’re all drunk and laughing and screwing and whatever… and I’m sitting here patiently waiting… for NOTHING… ‘cause that’s all I am to them and all they’ll give me. It’s really sad. I want to hurt people, well, Tina, I want to make her feel the pain I’m feeling. I want her to hurt inside… and that’s not like me. I’m not like that at all ever. I’m becoming bitter and cynical and jaded, and I don’t want to be. But I seriously wish, I mean have an honest desire, for her to stop laughing and screwing the other girl, and drinking, and think about me for one F_CKING second and think about me crying for six hours while she partied… but not because I want her to feel guilty but because I want to feel like she cares about me at all. I’m so f-cking alone. I don’t have a phone to call anyone even if I wanted to… the car’s out of gas and I have no money… I’m just stuck here on this dumb bed freaking out of my freaking mind. And no one NO ONE knows or is even thinking about it… NO ONE….I know I’m unstable. I know I’m depressed… blah blah, manic depressive, bull crap. I know that. I know that this all seems so melodramatic, I know that. But to me it’s my f-cking life and it’s worthless and I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do it anymore. I’ve been trying so hard to fight, so hard. But I’m weak, I am a weak person and I can’t handle this… I can’t. I don’t want to change the world anymore because I can’t even stand being in it. My dog won’t even lay in here with me tonight. I think it’s ‘cause the music is so loud or because he doesn’t like hearing me cry, but he’s on the couch. I really am alone here, alone, being lonely, being forgotten by everyone… It just f-cking hurts that they can all not think about it at all. I don’t know. I think I’m going to turn into a b----. I really do. I’m getting angry at everything. I don’t want to be one though. I don’t like mean people. I don’t like them at all. But I feel like being one. I’m not getting up to bring Tina to work tomorrow. I’m not! I refuse to. She never asked me to bring her to work. She can’t call me and ask me ‘cause she has the phone. SO I’m not going to. And if she comes to get the car tonight, well she’ll have to fill it up. And if she has to make Kenna get up tomorrow morning and drive her here I’m not going to feel bad because none of them felt bad about leaving me here at home alone. Tina never feels bad making me get up every f-cking morning to get her butt from her girlfriend’s… so why should I feel bad? I shouldn’t. But I will. Ah, that’s why I’ll make a horrible b----. I’ll feel bad about it and my stomach will hurt all day while I’m worrying about it. And I know Tina never feels bad or worries about me. That’s so f-cking funny to me, pathetic again is the better word. Every single decision, every single minute of the day, I sit and wonder if I should be at home incase Tina comes, or if she’s coming home if that’s where I am, or whatever, I mean literally I make myself sick over it every day, every minute of every day. And she’s partying right now and I’m sure hasn’t given it another thought. She’s such a bastard. And she doesn’t get it, that’s the worst part. She was SO mean to me today on the phone. I mean, she really was just a complete jerk, which is why I knew she was drunk before she told me ‘cause she’s a prick when she drinks. But she was so hurtful I can’t even explain it and she will never think about it again. Ever… I guess it all goes back to just how forgettable I truly am… - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-08 10:51
Subject:There's no salvation in the comfort of you
Security:Public
Mood: crushed
Music:Papa Roach

05/07/06
Another Bad Night
Tina and I fought again. Well not really since we haven’t seen in each other at all really in three days. Tina hurt me again, how about that. I’m sitting here listening to Papa Roach, my angry music. I have to do something besides cry. I’m really freaking tired of crying. She was drunk today on the phone. Was a total jerk… slept all day yesterday while she was here then went to hang out with Kenna, actually went to Laura and Kenna’s at like 6 when Kenna didn’t get off ‘til 10… just didn’t want to be around me at all I guess. Today, left before I got back from helping Tish move… gone with all of them, Natalie, Carrie, A-rod, all of ‘em. Was trying to show off for them like she does when she’s drunk. Total jerk on the phone. Didn’t care… told her she hurt me and she laughed a lot and told me she had to pee like fifteen times. So now I sit here again, she said, “I would have called you eventually”… said, “who do you want to call? They’re all here with me. Anyone you would want to talk to…” yeah, there with her, and I’m at home sitting on the couch waiting for almost two hours before I call her to see why she wasn’t home yet… but she would have called me eventually… I’m so tired of crying… so tired… I’m past the grief, past the denial, I’m on to the anger, that’s where I want to be, I think I will be there soon. We may not remain friends through the anger ‘cause T doesn’t like to see it so she leaves. Doesn’t think about me or where am at… just that she doesn’t have “fun” hearing about how hurt I am, and soon how pissed I am… she won’t be around much longer… - Nyk

Papa Roach

Time and Time Again
“You think about yourself before you think about me”
“You’re making me want to end this”

Last Resort
“I’m losing my sight, losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine”
“Nothing’s alright. Nothing is fine. I’m running and I’m crying”
“I can’t go on living this way”

Scars
“My weakness is that I care too much”
“My scars remind me that the past is real”
“I tear my heart open just to feel”
“I’m drunk and I’m feeling down. I just want to be alone”
“I can’t help you fix yourself”
“I left my heart open”
“Go fix yourself”
“I can’t help you fix yourself but at least I can say that I tried. I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life”

Never Enough
“Somebody put me out of my misery”
“I lose sense of myself”
“I did it to myself again”
“Never enough, never enough”
“Do I deserve what I got?”
“I f-ck up every day”
“Life will knock me down”

She Loves Me Not
“Dissociate so I don’t have to lose my head”
“Life’s not fair”
“She loves me not, loves me not”
“For the past five years I have shed my tears, I have drank my beers”
“Sometimes she says she loves me not”

Done With You
“I count the days that we have been apart. I’ve got a bad liver and a broken heart”
“Help me. Save me. Tell me that the end is near”
“There’s no salvation in the comfort of you”
“I’ve finally realized you’re tearing me apart”
“You’ve made my life completely miserable”
“You drove me to the edge”
“You’ve caused me all this pain, but I’ve always loved you”
“I’m broken and I am alone”
“Couldn’t help me. Couldn’t save me, now I know the end is near”

Broken Home
“My wounds are not healing”
“I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I could confide in.”
“I just want to know the truth”
“If I’m sad or angry you were never ever there when I needed you”
“Crying day and night now. What is wrong with me? I feel like a weakling”

Not Listening
“I’m not listening, not anymore”
“The more I learn the more I ignore”
“I’m not a failure. I’ve got something to prove”
“I’ve lost my innocence”
“If not me then who?”

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Date:2006-05-08 10:50
Subject:This Week SUCKED
Security:Public
Mood:hurt
Music:Hurt - Johnny Cash

05/03/06
This weeks sucked… a lot!! It was crazy. Ah, it’s like a rollercoaster baby…. So, Wednesday night was LHA… no one came, well not a lot of people. Amy didn’t come. I knew she wasn’t going to but I really really wanted her to… No one I e-mailed came I don’t think actually. Besides my mom and her partner, and Tina, the only peeps that came for me was Darwin and Mandy, which was awesome. I’m glad they came, but people who lived here in town didn’t even come…It was an awesome show. We all did really great and I pulled my mom on stage during my drag piece, she didn’t know I was going to. And it was great. Mom ended up taking four rolls of film at an hour performance, how goofy is that. She’s so cute. Anyway, so we go to Applebee’s like always, and Tina doesn’t go. She goes to other girl’s house. Whatever. Mom asks where she is and so I tell her that she’s at her girlfriend’s. Mom didn’t know we had broken up yet. I told her it was fine, that I would be fine. She told me she was worried about me. So, then we go out to 707 and I get DRUNK… I go to bed at 3:00 when I have to get up at 6 to go get my speaker. That was fun. So I get up and go get Tina and we go to KC, the whole way listening to music. We used to talk, but I guess there’s not much to say anymore. I don’t know. So, we pick up Robyn and come home and go speak to Amy’s class, which she wasn’t there for ‘cause she had to leave for her flight. So we hang out with Kendrick afterward… anyway, the end of the night, 10 p.m. Tina calls. Stice, the other girl’s ex who doesn’t like Tina ‘cause she dated another one of Stice’s exs, came down to try to convince other girl to come back to her. T’s at her house, I have to go there, stay until 2. I sit there listening to Tina say how hurt she is, how she doesn’t want to lose her, how she thought there was something there, how she loves her… all of this after a week… then I get to go upstairs and convince other girl to stay with Tina, why Tina is great, why she is a wonderful girlfriend, how weird is that?? Then I go home at freaking 2 and sleep for a couple of hours, or I’m supposed to but can’t, then get up at 6 to go get Piper and Robyn and drive back to KC. Friday night, ahh, Friday night was the worst I think. We went to prom, Tina and I did. It was wonderful and painful all at the same time. WE danced, a lot, we looked into each other eyes… she looked like she felt something for me. I felt something for her. I fell in love with her even more that night. Ahh, we even requested the song we first danced to ever, it was at 707, save the best for last, I thought maybe that was going to be us, save the best for last, ha ha, keep hoping right? So, we’re slow dancing, we’re laughing, we’re holding each other, and I feel something. I feel this spark. I want to kiss her, but I don’t. I wanted to take her home, I wanted to be with her physically, something I haven’t wanted in a really long time. I wanted to share something with her that according to her she’s never felt with me, I felt it with her about twice in the whole time we’ve been together. I thought she felt it too, the way she looked at me, we almost cried right there on the dance floor. THEN, we go home to watch movies, she falls asleep beside me, other girl calls, other girl who drove to Stice’s home town while we were at prom to decide who she wanted, other girl calls and T leaves, she doesn’t even say good-bye, doesn’t even tell me she’s leaving, “she thought I was sleeping”… doesn’t come back ‘til the next morning… yeah, that’s right, I am ready to be with her, I feel like we’re both so in love with each other, and she leaves to go spend the night with a girl who just drove home from seeing her ex and not sure who she wanted to be with. I told her Saturday while crying and fighting about it that it really f-ing sucks to know that half of her heart is worth more than all of mine… Saturday, she calls me while I’m out partying and wants me to take her home, I do, she tells me she doesn’t care if I sleep with her, so I try to sleep on the couch, but can’t, so I lay on this like foot long spot on the bed so she doesn’t have to be near me… Sunday she locks the keys in the truck ‘cause she tells me she’s coming to get it for work and then grabs her wallet and locks the doors and rides with other girl, while the keys were in it for her, so I call to ask her what happened and I wait like ten minutes on the phone while someone finally convinces her to get out of the shower with other girl to take the call, YEAH, that’s what I’m trying to tell u… like I needed to hear that bull crap… AHH, then, Monday night, I stay up ‘til 5 writing my 20 pg paper and then go pick her up to bring her to work. Last night, we go over there to play games. And the whole f-ing night I have to hear jokes and mentions of their sex life, yeah, like I want this crap, ahh, and she tells me she wants a tongue ring ‘cause other girl wants her to, for sex… yeah again, I don’t wanna know. Then, this morning I wake up and get the phone ‘cause my friend’s calling and look at the background. SHE has freaking set a picture of other girl as the background on the phone, of other girl laying down with her head on her arm… like I want to look at that every time I try to use the phone. Why would she think that’s cool? Why?? I mean, I try to be cool with them. I try to listen to it all about how much she loves other girl and how she’s not used to getting treated so well and how other girl is everything I never was, but I don’t wanna know about them having sex, I don’t. Is that wrong? I don’t want to see the f-cking girls face on the phone when I’m using it. Is that wrong? I don’t know. It’s like she doesn’t think about me at all. She says she does, says she thinks about me a lot, so much that she can do all this and not realize that it hurts me?? I don’t get it. She’s not moving to Boston with me either anymore… don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I want her to be happy. I do, but I don’t want it rubbed in my face, they were kissing last night before T brought me home, right in front of me. I would NEVER do that in front of her. I would never do half the stuff she’s done… she would never convince some girl I liked that she should be with me. She would never listen to me talk about our sex life. We’re different people I guess… - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-08 10:47
Subject:A touch
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:Perfect - Doria Roberts

05/02/06

Went to class today, it was hard to sit through all of them ‘cause I stayed up way too late writing my research paper. I went to Amy’s class. We ran through class completely, nothing special, nothing extraordinary. Just class. Then, she got up to leave for her next class and I was still sitting there for my next class. She touched my arm and asked how it went in class with Robyn Thursday. I didn’t know what to say. I said something. I can’t remember if I said it went good or it went well… that’s how messed up I was inside. It was that she touched me because it made me feel special. But, it was more than that. I know she doesn’t know anything about me cutting or anything, but it was like she did. It was like she was saying, “it okay nyk, it’s okay.” I don’t know. I know that’s not at all what it was about and she has no idea what it meant to me, but it meant a lot, and I just sat there and said something idiotic, I don’t know. I felt like a fool, but it made me feel like someone actually cared, even though they had no idea about it. It still just felt like someone cared… I don’t know. It was weird. Just wanted to write about it I guess - Nyk

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Date:2006-05-08 10:45
Subject:Things I cannot say
Security:Public
Mood: crappy
Music:What If

04/30/06

There are things I want to say to her, that I want to explain to her, but I can’t, I just can’t do it…

She asked me why I loved her today. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her ‘cause it hurt so much to think of how much I loved her and how she didn’t feel the same way towards me. She loves me like a friend, and I am in love with her. She asked me once if I ever thought we were in love. I told her that she was in love with me at a different time than I was in love with her. She was in love me when we first got together, for about nine months or so, and I’ve been in love with her ever since…

I love her because…
I love how much joy she gets in music and finding that perfect line in a song
I love how she wants to write those perfect lines
I love how her eyes light up and she laughs so hard when she’s playing with kids
I love how she can make kids laugh by being completely silly
I love how she isn’t afraid of being judged by those kids, or anyone else
I love how her eyes sparkle just a little bit, or used to, when she’d look at me and I could see her heart smile…
I love how I feel more at home in her arms than anywhere else on Earth
I love how she makes me feel like I’m worth something and actually believes it
I love how willing she is to be silly around everyone because it makes them happy
I love how she is herself no matter how that makes other people feel
I love… I love her, and I love who she is and who she makes me… and I just ahh, this sucks… all of it sucks…

Friday night, after prom, I wanted to be with her. I mean, I wanted to “be” with her. I even imagined it in my head. I wanted to so badly… I wanted her. We were watching a movie on Saturday and these people were kissing and getting ready to make love. Usually I look at the ground, or make a comment completely off topic, or something, and get embarrassed, but this time, I wanted to kiss her. It made me think of being with her. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m changing. Maybe it’s because I know I’m not supposed to, but I don’t think that’s it. Maybe it’s because Friday reminded me of when we first met, and I felt that thing for her, the thing I felt in the beginning… and it made me think of being with her in that way… I don’t know, all I know is I can’t tell her any of this. I CAN’T… I can’t mess with her head. No matter what, I have to sit in silence, and maybe someday I’ll be better, but it won’t matter ‘cause we probably won’t even know each other then. I thought I could figure out what was wrong, or something and then we could be together, but she let me know that was never going to happen. So I can’t tell her obviously… but I felt something, something I wanted to explain to her, so when she left Friday to sleep with other girl after I felt all that, it broke my heart so badly, and I couldn’t even tell her all the reasons why… I thought she felt it for me to, and she didn’t and never will again… it’s funny that we’ve both been so in love with each other we just can never do it at the same time… - Nyk

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