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oh baaaby. [20 Dec 2003|05:21pm]
hey ya'll... I have a new journal.
It's been nice blurty.
1 broken hearts// .Break my heart

to clutter up your shelves [14 Dec 2003|04:51pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | taking back sunday-your own disaster ]

Yesturday and Friday I drove. baaaha. That was a laugh. I kept going to fast and the guy was yelling at me to slow down. oh lordy. Then after driving yesturday I went to the mall with Lizz and helped her mom go Christmas shopping. tehe. We went to walmart to get an easy bake oven, and you'd think that'd be pretty easy. But nope.. not with me and Lizz. We had to ask some guy that worked there where they were but we forgot what he said so he had to go and bring us there. haha He kept saying they were by a tree of bananas. Yah well, we couldn't find the banana's. We were at the Wendy's drive threw and me and Lizz were sticking candy canes up our noses and the people in the window kept looking out and laughing so her mom gave them candt canes. haha. But not the ones we were sticking up our nose. It was so great. We kept useing her webcam all night. haha That was some funny stuff. And we stayed up until like 3 talking. Her mom drove me home earlier today. Oh she's my best friend.
I was just up in my room for like an hour reading my old diary. One of the entries made me think... It was on May,30,2002.. Which was one year before Larry and I started going out. And it made me realize that things come and go. And eventually everything goes back to normal again no matter how sad you were at the time. It just takes a little while to get over. And sometimes when you're sad maybe being that sad will be the closest you'll come to being happy for a while. And you don't realize it until it's too late and you're even sadder and you just keep sinking into a big hole of sadness. I don't know if anyone undertsands that besides me. I can't think of any better way to explain it.
I don't want to grow up. Only two more years until I'm an adult. It's coming way to fast. I want to be little again. I want to start everything over. I'd change so many things. I haven't realized until today that I'm not happy with myself at all. Or the person I am. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough. But I don't know what I'm not good enough for. I'm just really confused today. Maybe I'll just go to bed so I'll stop thinking. That's half my problem. I'm always thinking. Like.. about why people do the things they do or why we feel sad. Or why people care so much about what other people think about them. I wish people could just live the lives that they wanted to and not worry about anyone else or how they felt. School should be optional, but encouraged. And the people that want to have steady jobs and a planned out life can have that. But I don't want a life like that... when everything's the same day after day after day. I thrive on changes. I want to just live in my car and drive around to random places. I was talking about that to my mom but I don't think she understood. This was our conversation..
Me: I want to not have to worry about anything. I just want to do the things that I want to do. Like live in my car and drive down to mexico, watch sunsets, and eat nachos for dinner everday and just not care. There's too much stress and people's expectations for me are too high.
Mom: You don't even like nachos.

*sigh* I think I'm too high strung for a life like that anyways.
This is a really long entry.
6 broken hearts// .Break my heart

Maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me. [12 Dec 2003|02:57pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | From Autumn to Ashes-lillacs and lolita ]

I missed the bus this morning. But hey, that's nothing new. I bought a shirt the other day and I did some altering to it this morning. It turned out pretty, I think. Before school I ran by Nick and screamed '20 SECONDS' and he turns around and says 'you know what.. fuck you.' and I start laughing uncontrolably, it was hilarious. In art we had to draw something we wanted for Christmas haha. So I drew some drums and a stick figure that was supposed to be Lizz. haha It looked rad. Then we worked on out still lifes some more. Mine's almost done. I was supposed to take it home today but I forget to get it out of my locker. Me and Lizz kept laughing about something hahaha So now the whole world knows about his bump oops.=) Science was retarded. We had to put books on some thing and record how far it went down? I think? ...Well that's what we did anyways. Attendence was interesting. Some guys in the hall kept calling me hott? Then one of them dropped his pencil so I'd look at his ass? hahaha I thought it was hilarious. Anywho, I didn't do my english presentation with Sadie so I went to the nurse to get sent home but no one answered my phone so she sent me back to class. I went back and quickly found the passages in the book I was supposed to and we half asses our way through the presentation. Psh then after I finished the nurse calls me down and I got dismissed for no reason when we had 15 minutes left in class. But whatever at least I didn't have to take the bus.
Tonight I have a hair appoinment. Finely. My hair is getting way to long in the back so it's hard to spike it up. Then at 6 I'm driving. Oh boy, Is that going to be interesting. It's probably in your best intrest to stay off the roads tonight from 6 to 8.=)

Happy Birthday Carlos.
5 broken hearts// .Break my heart

Do you notice I'm gone? [11 Dec 2003|01:59pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Finch-letters to you ]

I stayed home from school today 'cause I was super tried when I woke up this morning. Plus it was a maroon day.. and maroon days are an effing drag.
I have drivers ed later tonight. woot.
Yesturday was a half day. Lizz's mom picked me and her up at school and then we went to the mall. haaaha. Such a grand time. We went bra shopping!! It was great. I went up to some random guy and said.. 'hey we're looking at bras' and he turned around and walked away. ha. Then me and Lizz went out to her car while her mom did some more shopping and we put a sign on someone's car. We went to best buy and ran around looking for the digital cameras and then ran back to PacSun to find her mom. We kept trying on hats. boy oh boy, do I look funny in hats.=P Her mom is so funny. Anywho, They dropped me off at home & then Carlos brought me to my appoinment with my psyciotrist. I don't understand why I have to go. We don't talk about anything that I don't tell my not so close friends. Nothing personal. But oh well, if my mom wants to pay a hundred dollars a week so I can talk to some weird lady who doesn't shave her legs than I guess that's fine with me.
I don't really know how I feel anymore. I'm not happy but I'm not sad. I guess I'm just numb to pretty much every emotion. Nothing is as fun as it used to be. Everything is the same. I really need change. I also need not to dwell on the bad things. I rarely ever cry anymore. It's like I forgot how to. I know I'm sad, I just don't feel it. I can't even explain it. I think I'm used to being depressed so I don't feel it anymore. I never tell people how I feel anymore. I just keep it all inside. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I don't really truly trust anyone.
7 broken hearts// .Break my heart

so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick [11 Dec 2003|10:29am]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | taking back sunday-you know how I do ]

[ Name ] Kayla
[ Nicknames ] um Ina, RalF & more.
[ Screen name ] xdietgingeralex
[ Birthday ] November 17th
[ Age ] 16
[ Astrological sign ] Scorpio
[ Chinese zodiac sign ] rabbit. hippity hop. hippity hop. oo-wee;)
[ Location ] saco...blah
[ Sexual Preference ] Straight.
[ Marital Status ] single.=/
[ Religion ] catholic, but I haven't gone to church or anything since I was 4.
[ Eye color ] blueee
[ Height ] 5'4.. I think?
[ Shoe size ] 7.5
[ Parents still together? ] uh no
[ Siblings? ] one brudda.
[ Nieces/Nephews? ] no, my brother's only 12.
[ Kids of your own? ] HA never.
[ Pets? ] a meow and a woof.
[ In school/graduated? ] Sophmore.
[ Rent, lease, or own your home?] my mom owns it? Does that count?
[ Have any credit cards? ] no.
[ What do you drive? ] haha nothing.

[ Color ] red & hot-pink
[ Number ] 3 & 5
[ Animal ] giraffes and zebras! woot!
[ Vehicle ] I don't know
[ Flower ] those hawiian flowers.
[ Scent ] Romance-Ralph Lauren
[ Shape ] triangle haha
[ Drinks ] orange juice... without the pulp.
[ Soda ] sprite
[ Candy ] sour patch kids
[ Book ] 'The Perks of being a Wallflower'
[ Band ] hm. I can't decide. Saves the Day or Taking Back Sunday.
[ Song ] Cute without the E-tbs

[ Color your hair? ] yep.
[ Twirl your hair? ] no, I don't have enough to twirl.
[ Have tattoos? ] not yet.
[ Piercings? ] ears.
[ Cheat on tests/homework?] ha if I can do it without getting caught.
[ Drink/Smoke?] not as much as I used to, but yes.
[ Like roller coasters? ] yah I guess.
[ Wish you could live somewhere else? ] every-fucking-day of my life.
[ Want more piercings? ] yes, i want my tounge and my bellybutton.
[ Like cleaning? ] yes, I know, I'm weird.
[ Write in cursive or print? ] print.
[ Carry a donor card?] nope.
[ Swear a lot? ] not really.
[ Own a web cam? ] uh no. But Lizz does, bahaha
[ Know how to drive? ] not yet, I'm in drivers ed now.
[ Diet? ] uh yah.
[ Own a cell phone? ] no. I like to keep it old school.;)
[ Ever get off the damn computer? ] haaaaa no.
[ Habla Espanol? ] haha nope. I'm too dumb to take a language.
[ Go to or plan to go to college ] yep
[ Wear hats? ] I wish I could but I don't have enough hair.
[ Hate yourself? ] yahhh
[ Have an obsession? ] ha you could call it that.
[ Collect anything? ] no I'm too cool.
[ Have a best friend? ] yep.
[ Close friends? ] Yes
[ Like your handwriting? ] uh no
[ Care about looks? ] sometimes. well... most of the time.

[ Gotten a speeding ticket? ] No I don't drive.
[ DUI? ] Nope
[ Been in a wreck? ] no
[ Been arrested? ] kind of.
[ Been in a fist fight? ] hahahha yah.
[ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] oh boy. yes.
[ Stolen anything? ] HAHAHA Let's no talk about it.
[ Held a gun? ] baha yes.
[ Drank? ] of course.
[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ] haha Probably.
[ Considered a life of crime? ] haha me and ?Cora are klepto-serial killers.
[ Considered being a hooker? ] deffinatly.. not
[ Cheated on someone? ] no
[ Been married? ] no
[ Cried over a girl? ] does HE count? I mean... what?
[ Lied to someone? ] yah I think everyone has lied.
[ Been in love? ] I think so.
[ Fallen for your best friend? ] nope
[ Made out with JUST a friend? ] yah
[ Been rejected? ] yes, who hasnt?
[ Been in lust? ] oh yahhhhh!
[ Used someone? ] I Can't remember
[ Been used? ] psh. yup. you suck!
[ Been cheated on? ] probably. and you still suck!
[ Been kissed? ] yah... haha
[ Experimented with homosexuality? ] no.

[ Mood ] extremly bored.
[ Music ] thursday-a whole in the world
[ Taste ] ginger ale
[ Hair ] all messed up from yesturday.
[ Annoyance ] Carlos talking really loud. AHH
[ Smell ] mm candles
[ Thing I ought to be doing ] school. baha
[ Windows open ] none.. it's fackin' cold.
[ Desktop picture] Blink 182.
[ Book ] some dumb book I have to read for english.
[ CDs in stereo ] punk goes acoustic.
[ Crush ] yep.=(
[ Favorite celeb ] m i dunno
[ Hate ] oh and the list goes on.
[ Job ] chyeah rightt.

[ Book you read ] the perks of being a wallflower.
[ Movie you saw ] I don't remember.
[ Thing you had to drink ] ginger ale
[ Thing you ate ] dinner last night
[ Person you talked to on the phone ] wrong number
[ Drug ] uhh?
[ Dream ] Something about the beach... I think?

[ Believe there is life on other planets? ] probably.
[ Believe in miracles? ] yah
[ Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? ] yah
[ Consider yourself tolerant of others? ] uhm
[ Consider love a mistake? ] depends on what the end result is. Generally I think love is fake anyways.
[ Believe in astrology? ] yuuup
[ Believe in magic? ] no
[ Believe in God? ] sometimes. yah I know that sounds bad but oh well. It's not like I worship the devil.

[ First crush ] kindergraden, I don't remember his name haha
[ First kiss ] hahaaaaa
[ Remember your first love? ] unfortunatly.
[ Still love him/her? ] nope
[ Do you believe in love at first siiiiiight? ] no
[ Do you believe in "the one?" ] no. if there is a 'one' then where the hell is he now?!
[ Have a secret crush? ] well a couple people know.
[ Do they know yet? ] I don't know. Someone has a big mouth.
.Break my heart

you torn my life in two. [09 Dec 2003|03:09pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Thursday-concealer ]

So last night... My mom gets home and I'm already in my pajamas because well, I'm really cool. So anyways she decides she needs me to go to Walmart with her so she could pick up a few things and she didn't want to go alone. I don't know why she couldn't go to Shaw's which is right down the road but yah. Anywho, she's looking at ice cream.. because it's such an important deciesion and all. And one of the retarded (metally challanged? excuse my lack of a better word) guys comes up to me and goes.. 'I like your pants'..they were all baggy and leopard print. So of course I start laughing. Then he goes 'You're really pretty' and I start laughing even harder. oh my fucking god I thought I was going to die.

School was alright today. I don't remember much. I didn't go to wellness. I asked Mr Agreste if I could make up work in art and if I didn't I'd fail and he goes, 'well you're gonna fail this class too!' haha I thought it was funny. Cora was in art when me and Lizz went baaaaha funny stuff. During history me and Lizz sat next to each other and Carlson didn't say anything. I was amazed. Drivers ed tonight. woo.

2 broken hearts// .Break my heart

salty faces choke up on goodbye. [08 Dec 2003|03:37pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | a day at the fair-the beautiful double sided sword ]

Oh boy, I was hoping for a snow day this morning. but no. the snow had to go and be gay and stop too early. Seriously, it shouldn't snow unless we're going to have a snow day. Anywho... me and Cora sat on the floor in the atrium and drank our coffee etc. I heart that girl. Lizz wasn't there for most of art so it was really boring. We criticted our still lifes. Mine sucks and I know it, I don't need anyone to tell me but whatever. Lizz brought her walkie-talkies and I kept paging her in science haha. Me, Cora, and Crystal worked together on our lab in science. haaaa. I kept fucking up my graph & stealing the teachers pencils. woot. School meeting was funny. We kept playing with the walkie-talkies and then I threw a tampon down front. oh boy. Attendence was boring as always, and so was lunch today. English was fun. I never read but I always get all the questions right. It's great. Drivers ed was canceled today so I didn't do anything. blahhh. I beautifyed my journal again. I was getting sick of the colored dot things. This is nice for a change.

.Break my heart

get us as far as far can be [07 Dec 2003|06:13pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | juliana theory-duane joseph ]

I absolutly positivly hate snow. I didn't anything today 'cause my mom didn't want to drive in the snow. oh well. I caught up on some much needed sleep and now I feel alot better than I did. Lizz called and woke me up this morning and we called walmart on three-way for her mom. haha I thought that was semi-amusing. Arundel better have school tomorrow because I don't think I can make it through art and lunch with out Lizz haha. She's going to bring her walkie-talkies. haha That should make for a very fun day.=) oh my fucking god. My brother is behind me on the couch chucking friggin beanie babies at me. he's real facking cool.
half day wednesday. me and Lizz are going to the mall. I have such a busy week. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I have drivers ed... Wednesday I'm going to the mall with Lizz and then I have a doctors appoinment... and then Friday I have a hair appoinment. woo.

4 broken hearts// .Break my heart

I don't have the strength to say goodbye. [06 Dec 2003|06:17pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | saves the day-nightengale ]

I haven't updated in quite a while. I've been extremely busy. I started drivers ed. on Thursday. It's alright I don't really know anyone in my class though. It's only six girls. I was supposed to drive today but no, we got this wicked gay snow storm. I absolutly hate snow with a fucking passion. I've been sick for the past few days. blah. I slept all day today but I'm feeling a little better now, which is good. Lizz slept over after driver ed on
Thursday. haha funnyyyy stuff. We're both retarded. Last night I went to the mall with my mom after drivers ed so she could do some Christmas shopping for my brother and me. Some old lady told me she liked me socks. haha. eff you snow... eff you.

3 broken hearts// .Break my heart

maybe I should hate you for this [03 Dec 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | saves the day-rocks tonic juice magic ]

Yesturday I was sick. It wasn't very fun. School was gay. The end.
Today was kinda funny. In math we took notes. And wellness I did a whole lot of nothing. STUDYHALL WAS HILARIOUS!!!! hahaha I can't even begin to explain it! In history we went to the Library and did some research thing. Me and Lizz basically did absolutly nothing. Sat with some very annoying boys, Brandon and Billy. Billy put on Lizz's jacket and Mr. Carlson was yelling at him. haha Oh funny stuff. Blah. I have a doctors appoinment tonight at 4.=(
I completely give up. Goodybye goodbye goodbye goodbye.
2 broken hearts// .Break my heart

I hear the music when I look at you. [01 Dec 2003|03:09pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | count the stars-saving myself ]

Today was a pretty shitty day. Before school Me and Cora went and got the toilet paper out of her locker and brought it over to the science building haha. Some teacher was looking at us funny so I told her we brought it from home haha. We threw a little piece into the atrium then we started kiccking it down the hall and went to go put the rest in the elevator but some teach came out and we ran away haha. It was hilarious. Then Me Lizz Cora and Bri were standing in the atrium and me and Cora broke out in song and started screaming. It was great. ME and Lizz stole someones poster board out of my homeroom for my math project thing haha. In math we colored with crayons haha. Then I had to walk all the way out to wellness and then just leave 5 minutes later for school meeting. Lizz walked to me. Dance Company did some dances. That was the most funniest 7 and a half minutes of my life! Me and Lizz did NOT stop laughing. She walked me half way back to wellness. But she was dumb and left me. So I walked with Jay. At lunch me, Lizz, and Bri walked back to my class so I could get something and I knocked like twenty things over. Then we went to the library so I could go photocopy something but we photocopyed it seven times so we could stay in there. tehehe. Jay kept telling me to go talk to my lover but I felt weird 'cause of what Bri said. blah. We're all really loud. I was on time to math AND back to studyhall. woo. History was so boring. I seriously hate that class. After school I talked to Cora and some kid playing hacky sack tried to kill us and grabbed her boob haha.
I hate having a lover. Almost as much as I hate history & wellness. Especially when... ugh nevermind.
5 broken hearts// .Break my heart

The only broken hearted loser you'll ever need [30 Nov 2003|06:40pm]
[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Brand New-magazines ]

I don't feel good.
Basically I've been just laying around all day. I'm feeling a tad bit better. Thankfully. I was watching TV earlier and my dog was sitting on my lap. By the way, my dog weighs like 50 pounds. And everytime my brother would even move she'd start growling. Then she got up and stole the food off my grandmother plate. haaa. My house is so eventful.
I really strongly dislike Saves the Day's new stuff. blah.
School tomorrow. Too bad it's a maroon day. I hate maroon days... with a passion. I hated them last year too. eff you maroon day, eff you. Right up the ass.

.Break my heart

[30 Nov 2003|01:36pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | A day at the fair-neoteny ]

lethargic as it may seem
this closure is all that we have
and the neon light in my heart is still blinking vacancy
I'm not ready to throw your tears away
I'm not believing that my mind will forget you someday
you said that I'd be alright
but I keep on waiting
I keep hanging you on the strings of my heart
that ties itself to you

I still drive the car with these automatic windows
we loved so much
as we smoked are fears away
I'm still hanging on dreams
of castles and clouds and white picket fences
and you spending your life with me

you said that I'd be alright
you said that I'd be okay
well I'm not and I'm miserable
and I'm drinking tonight to remember
how good it once felt back when life felt real

I'll never give you up
I'll never find love with out finding an answer
of why it's not attached to you.

blah mood.
Yah, doing the usual Sunday thing.
Staying home and listening to songs that make me cry.
Hm.. I'm pathetic.=)
.Break my heart

I'm a mirror fucking image of no control [30 Nov 2003|10:01am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Mae-soundtrack for our movie ]

blah. I don't know what was wrong with me last night but I felt like shit. I was just in one of those 'everything sucks' moods. ha I haven't had one of those in a while, so I guess I can't complain. My brother had my cousins over and I played monopoly with them. oh yah. I'm good. I fell asleep on the kitchen floor haha. I don't even know how I got there but I woke up this morning around 3 with my legs up on one of the kitchen chairs? So I went upstairs and went back to bed. It's so friggin loud in my house so I woke up at 9. I have yai-yai downstairs doing the laundry blareing Cher, Carlos making random noises, and my brother and cousins screaming about some X-box game. So anywho, I'm talking to Lizz online right now. Her mom dropped her diamond necklace in the toilet and Lizz went and got it out with a magnent. hahaha. That made me laugh. I'm going back to bed.

.Break my heart

now it's winter my bones are cold [29 Nov 2003|06:10pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | certain tragedy-saves the day ]

Even the most beautiful of all roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away

Cheer me up.

.Break my heart

to hell with you [29 Nov 2003|02:32pm]
[ mood | surprised ]
[ music | saves the day-sell my old clothes im off to heavan ]

I'm updating just for you Okee=)
I have absolutly nothing to write about.
um, Ryan's friend and Ryan just randomly called me 'cause they were bored.
blah. There's nothing to do.
Leave me comments.
1 broken hearts// .Break my heart

every skyline and every night spent alone are tearing me apart [28 Nov 2003|08:17pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | Finch-letters to you ]

I went to see my cousin's baby today.
Wow. Babies sure are ugly.
Nothing against her or anything, 'cause they're all ugly.
I don't know how people can say babies are cute
To me, anything that shits their pants is not cute.
enough now.
5 broken hearts// .Break my heart

The way his collar falls. [28 Nov 2003|01:38pm]
oh oh oh new lover!
4 broken hearts// .Break my heart

There's just something about his smile [28 Nov 2003|08:23am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | rapid hope loss-dashboard confessional ]

Does someone want to tell me why I'm up so early?
yesturday sucked. Thankgiving sucks. but hey, thats alright, 'cause it's only once a year. After dinner me my brother went to my mom's boyfriend, mike, parent's house. That was boring. They kept trying to get me to drink something but I didn't want anything. I was like no really, I'm all set. But they kept persisting so I took a sprite to shut them up. Then they asked me how it was. It's sprite. It all tastes the same. So I said it tastes just like the kind we have at home and Mike's mom started laughing so hard I thought she was going to piss her pants. and my mom gave me that 'be nice or die' look and pinched me under the table haha. And my brother just sat there. On the way home we stopped and got a coffee and everytime I'd go to take a sip Mike would step down on the gas and I'd spill it all over myself. haha It wasn't fun. Then my mom and Mike had this not so brilliant idea to go to the movies. Woo we went to see Elf. Most retarded movie ever. It was packed. The guy came in and asked if everyone wanted to move to a bigger theater but everyone said no. Everyone except Mike. He started screaming 'BIGGER IS BETTER!' haha but the guy ignored him. My brother and I were throwing sour patch kids down front. That kept us occupied because the movie deffinatly wasn't. Then Mike started making noises with his bottle and put his feet on some old guys chair in front on him. The guy turns around and was like 'Hey, can you fucking stop?!' and Mike goes 'no, you have red hair.' and the guy just turned around. haha It was funny. Then we came home & I read and went to bed. kjerfler.

I said that boy's handsome
and a little bit of me wanted to be beautiful.
.Break my heart

Well I can't say I blame you [27 Nov 2003|03:27pm]
[ mood | liked ]
[ music | straylight run-for the best ]

What Emo Band Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

oh I heart them.

.Break my heart

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