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mood |
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Jewel-Adrian |
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i'm so fucked up right now it's ridiculous...i thought all this depression shit goes away after you get rid of it the first time, but it's been a long time since i've felt like this. i've been getting panic attacks, and just feeling really fucking overwhelmed. i swear, even though i really, honestly don't want to, i've been feeling like fucking suicidal and i guess it's just some fucking misfire in my stupid head...i don't know but there's no one i can talk to about it, i can't talk to my friends 'cause they'll think i'm fucking crazy, i can't talk to my sister 'cause she'll tell my parents, i can't tell my parents 'cause they'll make me go back to a stupid fucking shrink, and i can't tell ms.b because she'll tell me to get help, which i don't think i need. but i want to tell someone so bad, and this stupid blog shit is not really compensation, because no one fucking reads this shit. and i want claire and dad to break up so bad...but when they fight like they did a couple nights ago, i break down...seriously, and i can't deal with it, it just reminds me so much of when i was a kid and my parents did it. it just makes me feel so small and vulnerable, and i don't know what to do about it because there's no one to talk to...never felt more alone then now, even when i have so many friends that care about me. i just want this to be fucking over. and i want my parents to be back together, i can't stand this, i wish they had never broken up, because then i wouldn't know this type of unhappiness...of lonliness. i miss the life when my parents would hold hands in front of me, the life that i can hardly even remember..that i can't remember at all even, i just now it would be better then now. i want to be away from here...i can't stand it here anymore, i really can't.
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