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Blurty for All the things I wanted to say...but couldn't..
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003 |
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Yeah….so I cut some people out of my journal…. among the reasons you may have been removed: 1) you make me feel stupid…grr…confused CONFUSED….*hits self in head* 2) You whine ALL-THE-FRICKEN-TIME 3) I don't actually read your journal, I just added you because you asked me to… J 4) I secretly canot STAND you 5) You are a cactus humper. 6) I've never actually talked to you, don't know anything about you, and on top of that your journal is boring. 8) I don't like having 1 post on my friends page…and it’s not even from you… 9) I just plain don't want you reading my journal anymore. there are things and people I want to write about that a certain number of you don't need to know about, and I'm sick of filtering. You have a problem with it? Comment. As you can tell I’m in a bad mood. [ Current Clothes ] pjs and a hat…heehee [ Current Mood ] tired…sore…pain…I hate ragging…(hey..this is MY journal…I can say that!!) I feel like shit. [ Current Music ] oh me…lots of stuff….White Stripes, Audioslave, Blind Melon, Lisa Hall, All American Rejects, Something Corperate [ Current Food ] cheeseburger [ Current Make-up ] hehe none! [ Current Hair ] needs to be re-dyed, messy, just got outta shower, dried, but not treated look [ Current Annoyance] seniors….gr….I’m a junior [ Current Smell ] Cat poo. [ Current Desktop Picture ] A cow magnet that says “Eat Chicken” [ Current Favorite Group ] Audioslave [ Current Book ] Dreamcatcher [ Current CD in CD Player ] burnt [ Current Color Of Toenails ] maroooooooooooon [ Current Refreshment ] water [ Current Worry ] what will tomorrow be like? [ Current Crush ] mMm…Chris, Micheal, and HIM…yeah… LAST PERSON... [ You Touched ] Aaron, I gave him a hug [ You Talked to ] Micheal on IM [ You Hugged ] Aaron [ You Instant messaged ] gr…I HATE repeating myself… *smacks self* [ You Yelled At ] my mommy…friday [ Kissed ] Aliceia [ Who Broke Your Heart ] i rather not talk about that…. FAVORITE... [ Food ] chicken [ Drink ] bottled water/apple juice/diet pepsi [ Color ] blue, purple, black [ Album ] RHCP - By The Way [ Shoes ] cute sandals [ Candy ] pixie sticks [ Animal ] turtle, hermit crab [ Song ] at the moment? Blind melon - no rain [ Fruit ] apple [ Cartoon ] sponge bob! I don’t watch it…I just like him… WHO DO YOU WANT TO... [ Kill ] no one yet [ Slap ] holy crap theres a whole bunch [ Tickle ] Aliceia [ Look Like ] i kinda like me Oh me…I’m just tired of my arm hurting. Two days and already I can’t stand it. Its popped like a billion times. And it hurts….bad. I'm tired of saying things I don't mean. I'm tired of hurting people unintentionally. I'm tired of everything that I do. I need a change in my life, something drastic... I NEED to get wasted, but wont. I'm feeling silly and childish, and I can't think of anything worth writing about. Insecurity and doubt have gotten the best of me. If you people only knew what went on in my head... God, incoherent rambles... my life consists of them. About a month ago is when everything changed, when the world started doing somersaults. In all honesty, I don't care about anything anymore. It's all Chris's fault. Just the way he talked to me. Complimenting me but acting as if I never mattered to him. He made me realize how easily people throw the word love around... so carelessly. I used to always think that "love" was something special, something that had to be earned and not just given to someone in the spur of the moment... guess I was wrong. Seriously, how can you tell someone that they mean a lot to you and then turn around and act like it was nothing at all? How can you give someone the world and then take it away in the blink of an eye? How can you give someone a life and then take it away and expect them to want to go on? Man, I do hate the way I think to much.... Damn that Chris for getting me that job and letting me fall for him. And damn Micheal for letting me start something new that I could never finish. Fuck you for making me think that I could have you. And fuck you for making me want you all the more. Fuck you for fucking up my gaddamn crazy fucking world….for making me think that everything was candy-coated when it came to you…and it wasn’t…and fuck you for hurting me so badly….no don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. I’m sorry micheal that I can’t give you the world and everything else that I wanted. I’m sorry that you are confused about everything and that sometimes I just don’t help. I wish I could show you that there is no meaning to anything and that you are beautiful inside and out. You are such a great person, you just need to be proved wrong when you think you aren’t. I wish I could be perfect for you…..but I’m not….forgive me. oh kill me now...I'm hoping I lighten up tomorrow... grr....forgot to take my damn pil today...thats why I am so depressed and pissy... |
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2003 |
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( And if I catch it coming back my way...Im gonna serve it to you..And that aint what you want to hear, But thats what Ill do) |
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A lovely little email seqence Bandy sent me.....woohoo... ------------------------- ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE: Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head Unpleasant as it tends to be Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reaching for his fly But it's too late, can't be a tease Accept the facts, get on your knees You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through Lick the tip then take it all Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl Slide up and down, use your tongue And feel the precum start to run So when the fuck's he gonna cum Just, when you can't take anymore You hear your lover's mighty roar And when he hits that real high note You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff Okay, already that's enough Let's switch you say, before you gag And whats your revenge, your on the rag. ***The Top 10 Men*** 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. Your daddy, because when you just had a nightmare he comes to you and says "want me to sleep with you" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, the lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt. -The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. -Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken. You will receive good luck in four days. Support Condom Week- READ it! LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK: 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT. 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YR MONKEY 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT W!ILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT 13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE! YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX WITHIN FOUR DAYS OF RECEIVING THIS LETTER, IF YOU SEND THIS TO: 0 people, your life will be a living hell 1-3 people, your next relationship will be fun but won't last long 4-6 people, someone will get a crush on you 7-10 people, you will get a date for Friday night 11-14 people, you will get a date for the next school dance 15-18 people, your crush will ask for your number 19-24 people, you will meet the person of your dreams 25-29 people, your crush will ask you out 30-34 people, your next relationship will last long and be good 35-37 people, you will live long enough and have a good life and get lots of sex. ~You must send this in 1 day after reading it. If you do not send this to anyone your life will be a living hell. The more people you send this letter to the more luck you will have. ------------------------------------- OH MY GAWD I LOVE THIS SONG! White stripes - Seven nation Army I've also been hooked on Blind Melon's 'No Rain' mMm... Well last night I went over to my Aunt Lisa's and hung out with my cuz Aaren....it was awesome...we talked about everything from Guitars to how we use to play Baseball together etc...etc...etc...it was so cool. Didn't realize how much we really missed each other. I think the last time I spent the night over there was a year and a half ago. Owell. I'm glad I got to go ;) "All I can say...is that my life is pretty plain...I like watching the puddles gather rain... And all I can do...is just pull some tea for two...and speak my point of veiw...but it's not sane...." Gotta work tonight... Amber!! Come visit me at Wendy's tonight!! about 8, 8:30!! |
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2003 |
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"All I ever wanted was to know what it truely felt like to be happy." Lisa and Aaren are close again. I guess Aliceia and I were right about always being second to Lisa. Speaking of Lisa....Dustin and Lisa are going on a 'date'. haha. ok. yeah........................ Micheal is being so sweet.....I just want to hug him and tell him how much I really need that conversation we had last nite. It was one of those conversations where all you do is compliment each other and make each other feel so good on the inside. Jeez....did I need that!! He went on a band trip today so I ouldn't give him a hug.....but yeah....I definately thought about it in my head. ------------------------------------------- The White Stripes " Seven Nation Army " I'm gonna fight 'em off A seven nation army couldn't hold me back They're gonna rip it off Taking their time right behind my back And I'm talkin' to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone... Don't wanna hear about it Every single one's got a story to tell Everyone knows about it From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell And if I catch it comin' back my way I'm gonna serve it to you And that ain't what you want to hear But that's what I'll do And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home... I'm going to Wichita Far from this opera forevermore I'm gonna work the straw Make the sweat drip out of every pore And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding Right before the lord All the words are gonna bleed from me And I will sing no more And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ryan is being extremely nice to me again. I told him yesterday that he doesn't say 'Hi' to me any more...so now everytime he sees me he gives me a hug and with the cutest face and smile he says "Hey there".. aww....how cute. I think I still have feelings for him. I mean....I hated the way things ended between us. grr. I went Ghost hunting. It was cool. took some pics of the house. Emails me if you'd like to see. ----------------------------------------------------------- Evanescence - my immortal my immortal i'm so tired of being here suppressed by all of my childish fears and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me you used to captivate me by your resonating light but now i'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone and though you're still with me i've been alone all along ------------------------------------------ I got this new cd from Katlyn. She's so cool. She makes me cds and trust that I'll pay them back. I dunno when....but I'll make it up to you Katlyn!! i pwomise!! Well. I guess I'm a boring person and that this is pointless. Who realy cares about what I say anyways? grr.... HIM:im sure you always feel my eyes on you but i hope that you will never feel unwanted me:holy shit. he always knows how to get me.. and it kills me.. he kills me. why.. why must u do this to me??? I was doing ok.. i really was. I was OK. for once in like 2 weeks.. just another set back. i'll be ok.. cant let my heart get the best of me.. right now my heart is on my list of last things to listen to.. i refuse to listen to my heart as of now. " im sure you always feel my eyes on you but i hope that you will never feel unwanted " shit.. I'll always feel unwanted....GR!! ------------------------- COLDPLAY "Everything's Not Lost" If you ever feel neglected, If you ever think all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything's not lost, Everything's not lost, When I'm counting up my demons. There's always one for everyday, With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away. If you ever feel neglected, If you think all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything's not lost. When you thought it was over, You could feel it all around, Everybody's out to get you, Don't you let it drag you down. Cos if you eve feel neglected, If you think that all is lost, I'll be counting all the demons, yeah. Singing out o yeah Everything's not lost, Come on yeah, o yeah, come on yeah, Everything's not lost, O yeah, Everything's not lost, Come on yeah, o yeah, Come on yeah O yeah, Come on yeah, Everything's not lost, Sing out yeah, Come on yeah Everything's not lost, Come on yeah, o yeah, Sing out yeah, Everything's not lost... ------------- I hope everything's not lost.... |
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2003 |
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HELP! If you know ANYTHING on ANY hauntings in Murray Kentucky.....PLEASE LEMME KNOW!! |
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| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003 |
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Craig Armstrong - This love (Performed by Liz Fraser) This love This love is a strange love A faded kind of mellow This love This love I think I'm gonna fall again And ever when you held my hand It didn't mean a thing, this love This love Now rehearsed we stay, love Doesn't know it is love This love This love It hasn't have to feel love It hasn't need to be love It hasn't mean a thing This love This love loves love It's a strange love, strange love This love This love This love is a strange love, strange love I'm gonna fall again love It doesn't mean a thing Think I'm gonna fall again This Love ----------------------------------------------------------------- yeah...and today was a bad day. But there is always a tomorrow to make up for it. I hope yesterday is better so I can make fun of how sucky today was. That always makes me feel better. I hated everyone today. No one was on my good side except for the Drama club. It hurt...but yeah...like Kayla says....I'm strong. I am Strong. at least I like to think so anyways...... ------------------------------------------------------------------ put on anything thought provoking. cry... let that knot in your stomach slowly release itself from your body in the form of salt water and smudged makeup. cry on your own shoulder so cold. sing yourself to sleep. so quiet. let your heart sink to your feet. once again you find your heart on the floor begging for someone to step on it. do you find comfort in the familiarity of \p/a\i/n/? ''you've always been such a sullen girl.'' you've always had such a warm stare. your eyes are so soft. its written on your face... those sleepless nights where your eyes sting and glitter with teardrops and moonlight. where the warmth of your soul seeped through those windows you call eyes. against your cold cheek. in an attempt to console. your range of emotion is unsettling. lay on your stripped bed scream defening screams that escape from a deep place where you've buried all your feelings of abandonment in hopes it wouldnt grow. you speak of fear and pain. in a low whisper they'll never know... he'll never know... (dunno where this song came from....found it SOMEWHERE....) ---------------------------------------------- I finally got home. got in the bath. just let the warm water soak away my pain. I am just really easily hurt. and paranoid Im going to get left. I've been analyzing myself all day. my need to be needed. my self destructive behavior, and how screwed up am I, really? I feel Aaren drifting off. I feel her pushing me away. or pulling away. I have no idea what is going on with her. One day she hates Lisa. The next she wonders what happened with Lisa The next weekend comes and she's hanging out with Lisa again. After all the pain Lisa put Aaren through... riiiiiight. I have this feelign that no matter HOW close Aliceia and I become to Aaren, we will always be second to Lisa. yeah. --------------------------------------------------- Further Seems Forever - Justice Prevails You make it so easy to run well I'm still crawling I'm still crawling. Now I'm game for the feeding chain, and their still scraping their still crawling. Taking measures to see myself , but I must forfeit all my findings, it's not easy to take these steps or to fake these breaths but urge is blinding. And you can deny this, but I won't let you, and you can defy this, it's not beneath you, and we can try this, but were we meant to, and this will divide us, and then we'll be through. be through I found you with him again. Found out about everything, and you can deny this all you want but you can pretend that you weren't caught. But this is more than you and me this is about being deceived. being deceived You should have waited until you ended this then you'd have nothing to confess. I thought you'd leave me next to nothing but now your leaving me much less. leaving me much less And I will get through this until justice prevails. And I gave you this for nothingness and lies. --------------------------------------------------- Today was a left out in the cold day. a feeling of lonliness and detatchment. I found warmth on leather couches and a pulled out futon before my puter. I wish I could be in the arms of an ever wonderful boy who loves me despite my many faults and faulters. And I could love him for him and everything he is. The best part of the day would be feeling the warmth he stirs in me. Looking into his eyes and falling apart in the best way possible. I feel slightly unsettled. melancholy. Yet loved none the less. Ive stopped crying. I love Aliceia and our sinful plans for future days spent together *wink wink*. I dread school tomorrow. yeah. my eyes hurt from crying and I just want to curl up with Aliceia like old times. I can't wait until she comes over. |
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2003 |
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Yeah...so chris is an asshole. I think he lied about everything with Cathy. I had this funny feeling all along... Then why am I so fucking surprised that he hurt me like that? I mean...when he said he broke up with Cathy, I just HAD to open my big mouth and say "Well maybe you aren't ready for a new relationship...I mean, I don't want you to get in over your head here" and what does he do? He agrees with me... then I go EVEN fucking further by telling him "I can't go to Prom with you...I mean it's really to late to get a dress or anything...la di da..." Grr... and I actually thought I would have a chance. Even when he talked to Cathy about Prom, she said she wouldn't go with him unless they were together -- such a manipulating bitch -- and so he took her back. I guess I just assumed that he still had feelings for me... So much for assuming. He wanted to show me these old haunted houses because he knew I was into that kinda stuff. He told me this morning before I left for the Choir trip for me to call him. I got home about 6pm. I called him. I called him again about 20 times. His cell phone is turned on, so I keep calling both his cell and his house... then, MYSTERIOUSLY, his cell gets turned off. So I quit calling. Then I get P.-Fucking-O.ed and call him house one more time and his mom answers and gives him the phone. His exact words were "I can't do anything. My and Cathy got our senior pix and some pix taken together. They turned out really good. Well I think I'm going to get off here. Bye." I'm such a stupid bitch. I mean, someone new...I actually thought would be different than the string of ass-o-holic guys that I usually find. But no. It's just another stupid sadistic fuck that I have found who is more self consumed than the others. and I was stupid enough to fall for him. I really hate myself now. And to think....I have to face him tomorrow morning... what the hell am I going to say? |
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2003 |
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yeah. I'm back. I'm tired of people calling em asking "how was Panama?" I appreciate people caring about it....but I'm totally glad to be home. I liked it. it was fun. I have pix if you wanna see them. Please stop asking. I missed Chris so much. But he took Cathy back. He wants to go to Prom and I can't go with him (no money....grr) so he took Cathy back because she is a bitch and says "Well I won't go with you unless we are together as a couple...otherwise it won't be right...." uh.........ok. freak. I wish things would get better. I thought things were great about a two weeks ago...and everything has gone downhill since. Just talking about it gets me down. well I'm back and I don't really have anything else to say. so yeah... comment please. |
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2003 |
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this journal sucks...it deleted this entry I just made...it was a good entry too -.- So anyway, what I said was,This weekend sucked. Plain and simple. It rained out our little camping party at Aliceia's. My mom is p.o.ed with Aliceia's mom because she wouldn't let us in her house AT ALL. She basically wanted nothing to do with us even when we were still under her responsibility. Damn bitch. Anyways. THEN Saturday, Ryan screwed up his car so we ended up at Dustin's moms house and stayed there. Chris wanted us to go riding around with him so we did and then Aaren threw a fit so Ryan and Aaren broke up for the night, then that morning Ryan workied things out with her. I think the ONLY good thing that came out of this was that I have a new friend...Chris. He really likes me and I really like him, but there's just one problem. He has a girlfriend. He knows I don't want anything to do with him until he loses her...but I don't know what to do there....anythings better than the shit Micheal was putting me through. I'm over him anyways. Owell. Now that I'm home I'm ready to get everything clean and ready for school. I don't know exactly whats going to happen now... I'm a little out of it. Sometimes I think that if I died now, like right this second, no one would miss me and no one would fucking notice. But then I think that if I died I wouldn't really had a reason...and I don't believe that anything is worth suicide.....ANYTHING. So I don't kill myself..I know I have people and friends that care about me. [its just a thought.] moo. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." - Charlie Brown Chris makes me love. Evil Rubber Duckie makes me smile + happy. Dustom makes me laugh. Aliceia makes me happy. Micheal makes me sad. Coffee makes me relax. Poetry makes me creative. Expression makes me enthuastic.. My freinds make me feel special. My family makes me, me. Chris makes me smile spring makes me wild... I love spring, Chris, Evil Rubber Duckie, my freinds, and coffee. that is all. I can't wait till Panama. :) [random thought] John Cusack is cute....kinda... ------------------------------------------------------ To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a threefold utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain. So, would I be out of line if I said ... ... I miss you. I see your picture; I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone 10 days but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again what the fuck or soon. But I need you to know that I care ... ... and I miss you. Incubus - I Miss You ------------------------------------------------------ yeah. I'm amazed at how fragile people are deep down. The physical concept has always amazed me while also disturbing but now I'm thinking of frailty in terms of emotions and our defining features in general. As people, we are so delicate. Society passes the buck to women in this category but I've never met a man that wasn't just as fragile as woman. Gender gap does not apply. I often think the world doesn't understand how I feel when I'm stressed or hurt or anxious or sad, etc. This isn't true as most people have surfed the extreme wave range of human emotions but it's the ability to truly empathize/sympathize that seems lacking. I ponder the theory of chain kindness and 'do unto others ... ', etc. I believe in karma. I believe that what you do at this exact moment has purpose and reason. Not for some greater God, per se, but for yourself and those around you. The slightest smile, hug or encouragement can mean wonders to other people, without the source realizing it. I'm a positive spirit; a child of the morning star; a sun baby. I want my happy energy to pass through everyone I meet or see. If I can spread a little joy and positive good feelings to any person around me, be it family, friends or strangers, then I feel good about myself. It's like sprinkling a little pixie dust on everyone. owell. I got schools tomorrow. Gotta get laundry done... laters. |
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2003 |
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When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day. Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed, "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty. |
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sorry I blew up earlier...I am just so incredibly stressed out now. I wish I was the kind of person that could get drunk once in a while. It might feel good to get relief from this stress, even if only for a short while. And I'm not sure if I even care so much these days. I don't know what I'm saying. I just felt I had to write because today I felt like thinking about this. Maybe I'm maturing. Maybe I'm just growing into one of those stoic people, where nothing ever affects them. I hope not. I know I overreact sometimes, but in the end, I think being emotional as I am is an asset. It helps me write sometiems when I think I have nothing to say about how I am feeling so much at one time. In reaction to Micheal being an ass to me...well...I wasn't sure what I felt and what I wanted to feel when I read what he had said. I know he is hurting bad. I wasn't filled with my usual "fervent longing" to be with him. I just wanted to paint him a pretty picture. The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool. People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough. Dear Micheal, I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry 'till the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down; you could tell me to go to hell. I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there. Meghan --------------------------------- Sometimes.. ..i wish i weren't so sensitive ..i wonder what it would be like to understand what our pets tell/think of us ..the thought of being alone scares the hell outta me ..i think that i'm just not good enough ..i wonder what life would be like w/out art [visual, performing, literary, etc].. -surely, life w/out technicolor. ..i question my sanity ..i wish that love was in fact, happily ever after ..i wonder what it would be like to have wings & fly ..insecurities get the best of me ..i question whether or not god really exists ..i cry for the simpliest matters/things ..i wish that i weren't such a perfectionist ..i wonder how or where i'd be to this day, had i not been adopted ..one must die [or sink to one's lowest], in order to understand how to live ..i think i'm a failure ..i question how one is able to stomach eating mushrooms [i love 'em, btw], when they are in fact, considered fungus ..i wish i could draw ..i'm disgusted with the world ..i question what life would be like had i not been born gay ..i peek when i am kissed & vice-versa ..i wished that my father were still alive, so i could make up for not being able to physically hug & kiss him goodbye ..i walk through the rain w/out the use or care of an umbrella ..i wonder what it would be like to have the ability to read people's minds ..the thought of life w/out laughter scares me ..i question whether plants can actually hear us [my next door neighbor elsa, an elderly greek woman (whom i simply adore!) swears singing & talking to her orchids keeps them healthy (shrug)] ::: blink ::: ..i find that words aren't necessary.. when often times, they are the source of misunderstanding --------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- Micheal: do i want to read this ? Me: read what? Micheal: did you not just me an email? Me: yeah Me: it just says I'm sorry Micheal: yeah sorry i lost my temper, I have had very little sleep...and i am pysically sick from crying, so if I said anything to offend, sorry Me: nah..I understand Me: but you told me you weren't 'close' to anyone... Micheal: bullshit, Micheal: well it would seem I was now wouldn't it? Me: I didn't say anything about the way you seem Me: things are more than just what they seem Micheal: for one she was in band we are a family....plus she was a great friend to me...she was one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of calling on of my friends Micheal: so as you can see I am at quite a loss here Me:yeah ------------------------ Why do I continue to put up with people like him. He reminds me so much of 'HIM' I guess I'm just going to go. I've got to work tonight and I've got to get my crap together for Aliceia's bday party tomorrow.. I just feel like shit and I want to cry... I really just want to cry myself to sleep right now... later... |
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| sorry..I don't normally rant in here because I figure everyone has enough problems...but no one is suppose to know about Micheal and I and no one does...so I had to vent somewhere.....sorry guys... | ||
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I think this is so fucking stupid. Everyone that we gave birthday invitations to for Aliceia's party can't go. This is bullshit. Then everyone that is NOT invited is wanting to go.. Micheal IMed me and I asked if he was going to go and he got all pissy so I said forget I asked...forget that I ever tried to please him at all... And he's like "A close friend just died and no one can please me..not you...not anybody." well screw him. I tried...close friend MY ASS...he doesn't trust anyone. He told me his only close friend was some Wesley guy...and that he didn't even trust him any farther than he could throw him. Damn hypocrite. |
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| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003 |
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**A girl died today...17 or 18 and her life is over. What a significant change in her plans and goals. Fuck him. Fuck him sideways dammit. I'm tired of his shit and I'm tired of him blowing me off when he doesn't feel like having me around. I'm tired of him wanting me one minute and then throwing me away the next. I hate that shit...I went through that with Bandy and I WON'T do it again with Micheal. here is a song for that thought!! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Janet Jackson Son Of A Gun (I Betcha Think This Song Is About You) Ha ha Hoo hoo Thought you'd get the money too Greedy mutherfuckers Try to have your cake and eat it too Sharp shooter into breakin hearts A baby gigolo - a sex pistol Hollerin at everythin that walks No substance just small talk Know why you feelin on that girl's behind You gotta sleezy one track mind Working your work until you think you find Who's goin home with you tonight Oh, who you give it to Who you gonna steal it from Who's your next victim Oh, who you gonna lie to Who you gonna cheat on Who you gonna leave alone Oh, what ya gonna tell her After she discovers You don't really love her Oh, gonna be a showdown Knock down - drag out Gunslinger shoot 'em up I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you Don't you Don't you Don't you Don't you Sweatin me but I'm not your type You think you irk me and you're so right I'd rather keep the trash and throw you out Stupid bitch in my beach house Naw I ain't gone go and act a fool And be lead story on the nigga news Not me sucher I'll bnever be your lover I'm gonna make you suffer You stupid mutherfucker Oh, who you give it to Who you gonna steal it from Who's your next victim Oh, who you gonna lie to Who you gonna cheat on Who you gonna leave alone Oh, what ya gonna tell her After she discovers You don't really love her Oh, gonna be a showdown Knock down - drag out Gunslinger shoot 'em up I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you Don't you Don't you Don't you Don't you Ha ha Hoo hoo Thought you'd get the money too Greedy mutherfuckers Try to have your cake and eat it too Gotta chip upon your shoulder I just knocked it off Show me what you gonna do I ain't bout to run You have just run out of ammunition Shootin blanks now You son of a gun Oh, who you give it to Who you gonna steal it from Who's your next victim Oh, who you gonna lie to Who you gonna cheat on Who you gonna leave alone Oh, what ya gonna tell her After she discovers You don't really love her Oh, gonna be a showdown Knock down - drag out Gunslinger shoot 'em up I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you I betcha think this song is about you Don't you Don't you Don't you Don't you ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I start my job today...yay. I'm so damn tired already... I don't wanna work. I'm thinking about calling in and saying I got sick by just knowing I had to work today... but I don't think I could get away with that... heehee I'm evil.. Here is a song to show you what my day feels like... STAIND LYRICS "Excess Baggage" Well I know the words, but I can't really speak them To you And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom From you And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside All the things that I live with I can't easily hide And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you It's not easy to hide All this damage inside I'll carry you with me Until I'm not alive When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly? To you? I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with From you I'm so sick of this place This taste in my mouth Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you It's not easy to hide All this damage inside I'll carry you with me 'Til I'm not alive ------------------------------------- yeah.... |
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003 |
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 YEAH!  You're not so much depressed as you're totally freaking insane. Kati would be friends with you because she's just like you. You could stay over her house and make pasta and biscuits at 4 am. You're also astoundingly similar to Invader Zim's GIR. Viva la little robots wearing green dog suits! Let's make biscuits! How Depressed are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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I was a bit thrown off today. People just don’t expect anything of me because I am so random. I mean…my area of expertise includes pretending to be happy and hyper...well hyper I am a lot… I guess... writing, music, singing, being depressed, being bored, being predictable, being hyper, being stupid, being angry, thinking, understanding, talking, being short, outgoing [at times], and other things… Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.. Aren’t I special. I start work at Wendy’s tomorrow. I feel like such a dumbass because I know nothing and I don’t know what to do or where to go and I know I’m just going to look like SO fucking gay. Haha. “I see hell in your eyes Taken in by surprize Touching you makes me feel alive Touching you makes me die inside…” -- Jay Gordon from Orgy - Slept So Long Yeah..just been thinking about a lot of things here lately…a lot of thing have been on my mind that I could never speak of or say to anyone and it’s like no one in the world could ever understand because really I don’t have to put myself through anything that I am doing…but I WANT TO. It’s so fucking stupid. Yeah. Sorry this is so short…but since I got a job I don’t have much to say….everything is so rushed. I promise a longer post next time ;) |
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| Monday, March 24th, 2003 |
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2003 |
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I don't guess this means much I don't guess this means anything I don't guess this does any good To throw this in your face To say I'm sorry for all I have done To say I love you To show you that you mean everything To take back everything I've ever done To see you smile again Can I still make you smile again for me? Just one more time I hope it's not too late I hope it's not too much to ask For a little understanding I was confused Mistaken I was misunderstood You complete me I need you I hope you can still love me the way I love you I need you dearly My heart beats severely inside my chest And sometimes I can feel you breathing I need you close to me again But I don't guess this means much I don't guess this means anything I don't guess this does any good To try and gain your happiness It's all I ask Just your smile would make it all better again Don't let these memories fade Because of mistakes I've made I don't think I could bare to lose you After petty problems taken place My love burns through my soul I can't hold it in any longer You've shown me so much more Than I could ever believe in anyone else But I believe in you Because this ruined puzzle Can be put back together To form a picture Form a picture of you and I I want so much to say I'm sorry To take it all away Pretend it never happened Tell me that you don't hate me like I think you do That I'm just acting stupid Smile like you always do I'm hanging on youre every word Just like I always do I starve for you I hold my heart in my hands Hoping it will do I hope it will do ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah....my song that I wrote. it is cool. it is ghetto.. and it is meaningless. I just found this tune in my head and went with it...slowly adding words to form this ridiculous song that I was singing to no one in paticular but my purple twinkle bear. What a laugh. And yet I find it odd. I yearn for that kinda of love...something wild but definate and true. My quiant obsession with Anne Rice has led me to reading more than writing, the normal accomplishment of 20 poems or so has turned into 2 or 3 at the most. I've slowly fallen into writers block and it's as if a brick wall has been built before me. I saw it slowly being raised...built stronger and more sturdy by the second but yet I let it go on...and now it seems I have nothing left to spark any inspiration left in me. It takes alot of thought to even write out this entry. I sit here in my room typing this up and waiting to copy and paste it into my journal because my mom is being a beeyotch and won't let me on the puter. Aliceia is asleep behind me on the bed and this is really the first time today that I have had time to think. I guess it's because my mind is always racing. Always moving to the next thing on the list. rush rush rush...hurry hurry hurry...and I never have time to really sit and rest like now. It was so beautiful today that I pulled back the huge afgan of a curtain on both windows and revealed the sun. That didn't seem to be enough so I opened the window to reveal the clear, crisp, warm air and it was so gorgeous. Now that the sun is slowly going downthe air seems to be getting a little heavy and cooler than the morning time held. The sights and sounds of relaxation all around, I could have just sat outside all day drinking a tall glass of iced tea and watching the neighbors work their asses off to try and perfect their lawn. Our lawn is akward...half of it is worn down from the two dogs we own and the other half is a overgrown jungle from which there is no return...and no way to get under control either....it's a hopeless cause. In preperation for Aliceia's bday party on Friday, Aliceia and I retrieved camping gear from the garage and laid it out to dry in the sun. We hosed out the cooler, it needed a good cleaning, and we went through the misc. tubs findin nothing really that would be of use to us. This little camping trip won't exactly be a fishing one...so all the fishing gear was usless to us...haha. The day has gone by so slowly...and I can't wait for tomorrow...I go into Wendy's to get my shirt and hat and apron...woohoo...I start monday and I need to get a schedule tomorrow too. I guess Alicea is just stying another night because her mom hasn't called and the few times she has called her mom, the phone wouldn't ring. I dunno... Well...I'm going to get off here...I might post some more later... |
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| Thursday, March 20th, 2003 |
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I quite like the little world i have created...it is very much a child-like state. In my room last night I felt like the only person alive, I looked out my window into the darkness and focusing on the distant lights of the town below and I felt alone, but comfortable. FACT! denis leary is the BEST fucking comedian in the world. "Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe." yeah...I like that. I officially work at Wendy's. I think I'll post a song on how I am feelign towards this fact: ------------------------------------------------------------------ Slept So Long Queen Of The Damned --------------------------------- Walking waiting alone without a care hoping and hating with things i can't bare did you think it's cool to walk right up to so save my life and fuck it up well did you well did you I see hell in your eyes taken in by surprise touching you makes me feel alive touching you makes me die inside walking waiting alone without a care hoping and hating with things that I can't bare did you think it's cool to walk right up to so save my life and fuck it up well did you i hate you I see hell in your eyes taken in by surprise touching you makes me feel alive touching you makes me die inside I've slept so long without you it's tearing me apart till how to get this far playing games with fist held cards I've killed a million pity souls But I can kill you I've slept so long without you I see hell in your eyes taken in by surprise touching you makes me feel alive touching you makes me die inside I see hell in your eyes taken in by surprise touching you makes me feel alive touching you makes me die inside I see hell in your eyes taken in by surprise touching you makes me feel alive touching you makes me die inside ------------------------------------------------------------------ Hmm...I think I'll be alright. It's going to be akward starting out because I don't know how to do anything..haha.. so..yeah... One problem I have been having lately is that other friends I have just cant understand that sometimes I want to do different things, and that not all my friends want to do the same thing. Sometimes I hate that my life is so repetitive lately, but other times it is comfortable and I dont want to interrupt my nice cycle of events that I have going. Lately I feel as though I am obligated to attend certain functions that I really care less about, like birthday parties, parties for no particular reason, Dessert Cabaret.. people get all bitchy if I say I dont want to go.. why cant I not feel like doing something.. or why cant I just do what I feel like doin, no questions asked? I really dont care what people think or say but i am so sick of hearing people bitch me out or cop an attitude with me because I went somewhere different or had previous plans that would like to stick with.. I mean...I want to go to Aliceia's party, and now she's thinking of not even having it... dammit...the ONE thing I WANT to go to... GRR... okie.. another song... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Seether " Broken " I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away The worst is over now and we can breathe again I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't even know if I a really making sense right now...I'm just kinda woosy and sitting here typing shit because I'm bored and I wish I could be alone with someone right now....all alone...with the one person I have on my mind...yeah... What did I say yesterday?? I said it was SO beautiful outside and that it would RAIN...now guess the fuck what?? IT"S RAINING!! AHHH ARG... grr... owell...thats all for today...I will post again but it will just be a few poems... yeah.. |
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 |
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It was so nice out today which means that some time soon we will have RAIN and it will ruin the nice weather once again, well prolly not RAIN, but still that always happens--something good---then something bad---..ugh...i hate sitting at home and doing nothing CUZ its so nice out but on the other hand, i no that if i go outside i will do the same thing...nothing..ill prolly end up sitting on the grass staring at a rock or a tree or sumthing..ugh.. Just like with Micheal…yeah…I have a few good moments with him and now things will prolly turn to shit…JUST MY LUCK… Owell…I got my permit today… YAYS…and a job..DOUBLE YAYS….and yeah.. Just think…last year…all my entries were like this: “”I don't like this feeling...constantly having tears gathered behind my eyes. They won't go away...and I'm tired of crying, so I guess they'll just stay there... I feel dead; I'm just here with no purpose. No one wants me here, but I'm still here...why...? I want to leave, I want to leave now. I'm afraid of death though...that's why I hold back. God only knows how much I want to let go... I feel sick at the thought of getting dressed and getting all ready to go somewhere. I feel sick to even walk up or down the stairs...I don't want to be here. I'm getting a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. I'm sick of this. Sick of opening my eyes every morning. Why won't they just stay closed... I've been fighting for a year and a half to stop these thoughts...but everytime I think they could be fading, they come back. It's getting worse as each day/week goes by...I feel like I'm getting forced to do something by being alive. I don't want to be...I'm just too much of a scaredy-cat to take control. That's all I am…”” Now my entries are all like this “Yeah…I humped a dog and I have nothing to say…but I’m going to talk anyhow…because I’m random and that’s what I do…did I mention I was crazy? No I DIDN”T because I don’t like to repeat myself…but you didn’t KNOW that DID YOU?? Mwahahahaha oh…go eat a tree…” Haha…how random was THAT suckeR? Lol My love horoscope: This would be a great opportunity to hold an impromptu party and invite some very interesting people around. The current aspect creates a particularly sociable atmosphere, which could lead to some very special relationships being developed. You look set to become more deeply acquainted with someone you have admired from afar for some time. What is more, you will find that your instincts about this one are right on. .. HAHAHA….how ODD..Micheal? Yeeah.. My career horoscope: Information about career and investment possibilities might be brought to your attention today, Meghan. You are likely to give a lot of thought to these matters, especially since your mode of thinking is changing along with the times. This is a good day to explore new avenues for your life path to take over the next six months, and, if appropriate, to make final decisions. Try to give this some thought before you actually go about carrying out your plans. ---------- Yeah.. I’m WEEIRD… "We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible to ours, we join up with them and fall into a mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love, true love." So... The creative side of me is in motion, once more, as I sit here, not only writing on this journal, but as well, in the one that I carry with me throughout the school day. ...Moments when all of the planets align to make your life a little bit better and it seems that all you can do is smile -- anything different would be a sin So this entry was a waste...so what? I must have an obsession with typing...because that's all I do most of the time. When I have a thought in my head that I don't want to lose, I open up notepad and type it there. I rarely bother with writing anymore (the symptom of a digitized generation?) unless I absolutely HAVE to get something down and there's just no way I can keep the thought in my head for a long period of time. Then after I type whatever is on my mind I either save it to post somewhere or just delete it. Most of my poems come out that way…. When I talk, it's like my mind censors certain things...so I never really fully get my point across...to anyone..not even my cat. The flow of thought from my mind to my mouth is just flawed. But since my fingers are free and I don't feel tired after typing a lot (unlike when my throat gets strained from talking too much...ouch), I feel more free to elaborate on what I'm thinking and just have out with it! It's not a question of my being shy, it's just that I'm a lazy talker (if that makes any sense at all). Yeah…me gonna go.. Thankies all for some of the great comments…you always make me feel so good!! I love you all SO much! |
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Blurty for All the things I wanted to say...but couldn't..
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rejected.
crazy.
blah.
cranky.
chipper.
sick.
confused.
creative.
bouncy.
hyper.