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Blurty for All the things I wanted to say...but couldn't..
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2003 |
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yeah..I have officially switched to livejournal. Codes are no longer needed, so I am a complete livejournal addict. check it out, but it is friends only.. www.livejournal.com/users/xfakeplastikx |
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2003 |
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2003 |
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Do you think I’m faking when I’m lying next to you? Do you think that I am blind nothing left for me to lose? Must be something on your mind something lost and left behind Do you know I’m faking now? Do you know I’m faking when I’m lying next to you? Do you know that I am blind to everything you ever do? Must be something on your mind something lost for me to find Do you know I’m faking? Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man I guess you know I’m faking when I tell you I love you I guess you know that I am blind to everything you say and do Must be something on my mind there’s nothing left for me to hide Do you know I’m faking? Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this all again. We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this… Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man Then she told me she had a gun she says she wants to use it on me now… -Seether "Driven Under" ------------------------------------- Yeah...thats how I sorta feel about Jeremy. Ok...no...he's not like violent or anything. But I do fake it when I kiss him and everything. ok...wait...lemme start from the beginning...... OKies...about a week ago or so...I went over to RJ's. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I HAD to see everyone again. And honestly, I went over there hoping that on the off chance, Josh (Jesus) would not be there. Well, he was. shit. I didn't know if I could handle it or not. I was like nervous, but I played it off pretty cool. Anyways...Josh and I talked for like HOURS. It felt so good hearing his voice. It was great. Yeah...and the thing I was hoping to get over Josh with was ...guess who.. Jeremy. But guess what else. It didn't work. Nope...it didn't. BUT THEN. Derick came along. And did he sweep me off my feet. I don't even think of Josh when I'm around him. Its the perfect remedy...and I REALLY like him...so it's all good. I just hope this all works out. |
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Do you think I’m faking when I’m lying next to you? Do you think that I am blind nothing left for me to lose? Must be something on your mind something lost and left behind Do you know I’m faking now? Do you know I’m faking when I’m lying next to you? Do you know that I am blind to everything you ever do? Must be something on your mind something lost for me to find Do you know I’m faking? Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man I guess you know I’m faking when I tell you I love you I guess you know that I am blind to everything you say and do Must be something on my mind there’s nothing left for me to hide Do you know I’m faking? Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this all again. We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this… Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before on him Then she told me she had a gun it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man Then she told me she had a gun she says she wants to use it on me now… -Seether "Driven Under" ------------------------------------- Yeah...thats how I sorta feel about Jeremy. Ok...no...he's not like violent or anything. But I do fake it when I kiss him and everything. ok...wait...lemme start from the beginning...... OKies...about a week ago or so...I went over to RJ's. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I HAD to see everyone again. And honestly, I went over there hoping that on the off chance, Josh (Jesus) would not be there. Well, he was. shit. I didn't know if I could handle it or not. I was like nervous, but I played it off pretty cool. Anyways...Josh and I talked for like HOURS. It felt so good hearing his voice. It was great. Yeah...and the thing I was hoping to get over Josh with was ...guess who.. Jeremy. But guess what else. It didn't work. Nope...it didn't. BUT THEN. Derick came along. And did he sweep me off my feet. I don't even think of Josh when I'm around him. Its the perfect remedy...and I REALLY like him...so it's all good. I just hope this all works out. |
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| Saturday, June 21st, 2003 |
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Holy shit... I have asthma induced brochitus.... and it hurts. Don't know when I'll be on the computer again... Love you guys! |
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| Monday, June 16th, 2003 |
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Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation. And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: hellodeis And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I wanna get outta the house.....but moms bing bithcy And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: bitchy* says: i'm sorry And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: its okie And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: are you staying another night therE? says: not really And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: ? says: yeah And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: you know I got my ACT tomorrow? says: yeah says: i don't know what happened to my paper And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: are you going? says: no And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: okies And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: you can hang out with me at work tomorrow And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I go in at 3:30 says: i don't know And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: okies... And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: and Jeremy can give you a ride home from there says: i'll be with aaren says: are you sure? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah....he has to go in at work at six... And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: but I think he gets off at ten And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: and then he'll be coming by Wendy's says: well i wanna be sure i don't want to be stranded says: i'll see what i can do kay And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I talked o him about it today And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: if you had called over here And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: her would have took you today And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: but you never called, so he left says: i wasn't here says: we went to town And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: when you got back from Wlamart And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I told cris to have you call And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: Chris says: chris was on the phone with tera And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah...he said after got off...he'd have you call....did he never tell you? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: DAMMIT CHRIS!! says: not until i got on line And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: &*#@*&#$*^@#*)#&)!*(@&!)(@! And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I won't say what I'm really thinking And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I'm already pissed enough at mom says: ooooooooooooooooookay says: what happened? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: she says that there will be no more "Hanging out" says: with who? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: that she's going to know EXACTLY where I am at....etc etc And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: with anyone And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I keep trying to explain to her that when I was hanging out with Josh, I blew everyone off....and now I am trying to gain back my friends.... says: that sux! And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: but she doesn't understand says: And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah really says: about what? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I just want to curl up and die....I hate this And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I really hate this says: don't say things like that, meggie And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I wish she would make that fucking doctors appointment for depression And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I can't take this anymore says: they'll just give you more meds And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: well then at least I can say that I trued And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: and they'll get off my back And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I just want to get out of this fucking house says: well i'll make sure i'm up at wendy's as long as jeremy will take me home cause i haven't been home for over a week And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah says: and mom's gotta be pissed And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I'll call him and tell him says: okay And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: and I'll talk to mom over food tonight....she wants to go out to geat And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: eat* says: talk to her about what? And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: trying to work things out so I don't feel like a caged animal says: that will be great And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: I feel like any minute I'm going to explode or break down crying again. says: well you've got me says: and jeremy! And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: yeah....you and you only...cept for maybe Jeremy... And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: lol says: today when i got online earlier i talked to brandon And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: wow...thats cool says: yeah i was totally freaked And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: haha...he prolly was too And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: well, hey, I'm gonna go...mom wants to leave... says: he was really just wondering who i was at first says: okay i talk to you later And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: talk laters ... wuv you says: luv u lots! And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: haha... And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. says: later says: bye --------- all the blank spots are Aliceia....the "And all the roads".. is me. yeah. I was depressed two nights ago. |
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| Friday, June 13th, 2003 |
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June 14, 2003 The most important thing isn't that you didn't succeed, but that you tried. You have lots of things going on, but you handle them all with ease today. If anything, you should take on new projects if they become available. As for tonight, the only person who may be able to put up with you is you. ain't that the truth.... I WANT to get out of the house SOOOO bad. |
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2003 |
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Wonderwall - Written By Noel Gallagher (Oasis) Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk along are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would Like to say to you I don't know how Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall Today was gonna be the day But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now And all the roads that lead to you were winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you I don't know how I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me... --------------------- It helps when you have several things to keep you from sinking into depression.... [I heart oasis muchly] I use to cry so hard till it hurt. Thats the way it has been the past week. I haven't cried since last thursday....a whole week of no crying. I've come to the realization. I was worse than I wanted to be, ever. and that i dont talk about it. That I hope it will go away, because I dont want to deal with it. I want it to just dissapear and go away. I dont want to have to deal with the way people look at it. I dont want to be treated any different and I dont want to deal with everyons BS. I just dont. Jeremy waited around for me to get off work Monday, Tuesday, and last night. He didnt know how bad I needed him after everythign with Josh. All I want is for someone to be there...but I'm afraid to have anyone there because I don't want to hurt them. I think he knows that, so he stays, but with distance. He won't touch me, hold me, or anything. He's just there. [I just wanted to be held until it stopped. I wanted him to kiss my tear stricken face. and tell me it would be okay and that he loved me. because I knew he would.] I hate that Josh doesn't try to call or stop by. It rips me to absolute pieces. I keep believing that maybe if I can see him or talk to him one last time...just to smooth out the wrinkles, that we can remain friends and I could get over this love for him that is holding me back from Jeremy. He promised he would keep in contact with me. He told my mom and step-dad he would. He said he wouldn't forget....thats HE WOULDN"T FORGET and that he wold always love me, just not always able to show it. That he would never forget....he promised. PROMISED. I CANT STAND LIARS. My dad is a liar. and I hate him. we dont speak. [quick note- never do anything that reminds me of my dad, or youre up for alot of judgment and uneasiness from me. and i wont trust you, thats for sure.] grrr..... Im not getting my hopes up and waiting around for someone who is too busy doing nothing all day to bother to care about someone. ---- The Doors - Love Her Madly Don't ya love her madly Don't ya need her badly Don't ya love her ways Tell me what you say Don't ya love her madly Wanna be her daddy Don't ya love her face Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door Like she did one thousand times before Don't ya love her ways Tell me what you say Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door All your love All your love All your love All your love All your love is gone So sing a lonely song Of a deep blue dream Seven horses seem to be on the mark Yeah, don't you love her Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door All your love All your love All your love Yeah, all your love is gone So sing a lonely song Of a deep blue dream Seven horses seem to be on the mark Well, don't ya love her madly Don't ya love her madly Don't ya love her madly ----------------- Patience. It's one virtue I do not possess. I wish I could. Just once. It's always rush rush...never wait and see. I want to know now. I think that's why I believe in horoscopes...it's like a glimpse into the future...even if it's a lie..at least i have something to go on. I wish I could put that impatient part of me aside, but I can't, and so my heart will keep breaking... at least I won't have to ask why. My horoscope for today: Virgo June 12, 2003 A dominant personality is loud but not necessarily right for you at the moment. You're pushing to get ahead, but you might become frustrated, Virgo. Change will not happen as quickly as you would like. Redirect your negative energy towards a positive goal and you will achieve much more success. hmm....something to go on for today. |
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003 |
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June 8, 2003 As far as you're concerned, the smaller details are there for other people to worry about. Today, you are faced with endless possibilities for new beginnings. This may be the chance you have been waiting for to uproot yourself and start over. You are the center of attention, Virgo, and that is exactly where you want to be. Now you can consult with Real Psychics and see them live on your computer screen. For about $1 a day you get unlimited access not only to Live Psychics but a whole lot more. Don't get hooked on TV Psychics charging $4.99 a minute. Click Here to see your Psychic today! Today's Outlook: Romance: Good | Finance: Good | Charisma: Fair Lucky Numbers: 12, 16, 26, 28 ------------ My horoscope for the day. w00t w00t! yeah! I still love him....don't get me wrong. but I am moving on. I may never fully recover from him...but I have no pain to bury inside me anymore. And I would never have been able to get over him if I couldn't have wrote my feelings out and had responses like this. THANKIES EVERYONE for your LOVIN! lol. I know I know..lately my posts have been pretty meaningless and dumb and mushy and stupid...probably nobody understands what I'm meaning in my long ass entries but I suppose you could just say that i'm confused baffled, or puzzled... I mean...there IS meaning to my entries, [I think] THERE IS...I SWEAR! [scifi has been on since like 2pm and its 4:30 now and I'm not even watching it....everyone else is...but I'm not. Theres a lot of things I'm haven't been paying attention to, even some people, and I'm sorry. I've been trying to make up for it...but its kinda hard when you're grounded.] Yesterday was a great day...I just had a horrible experience with mom late ;ast night when she came to pick me up from work. I told her I had to work late and she basically went psycho and just really lost it. Her outburst was completely unexpected, as usual (a primary factor behind my maniac depressed paranoia). But now, it's better. *sigh* Today has been a good day so far. I wish I could use the phone. Part of me wishes things could just go back to normal. But they won't be normal until I am on the right meds for my problems. [I wonder if they'll ever get it right....]  Which flock do you follow? this quiz was made by alanna woohoo... There are times in my life where I feel like I have everything... Where I feel like I can have fun with more than one person or one specific group of people that I somehow just kind of got lumped into. I guess that's what happens though. Then there are other time when I feel like I have nothing. Not a damn thing. Where I feel like everyone has abandoned me and there's nothing I can do to get them back or to get anything back really. Then there's the same old days that fill up my so called life. There's day where I have what I always have and nothing ever changes. I get up, get dressed, eat, go to school, then either come home or go to Chris' house. Weekends couldn't be anymore similar either. They're always spent with Aliceia, (WAS with Josh...not anymore), Aaren, etc... But that's it. Nothing ever happens... and usually when it does... it doesn't consist of anything good. I want to make something new out of my life and I want to be someone other than who I am because lately who I am doesn't seem to be cutting it. I was so strung out I couldn't even think straight...now I am better...just I still can't think straight...is there something wrong there? sorry....I've had so much to say...I'm so jittery...DAMN...this long ass entry with NO songs... w00t w00t.. I'm on a roll....haha |
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2003 |
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Yeah So I'm doing better. I'm slowly getting over him. Nighttime seems to be the worst time. I remember him more then because I am all alone with no ones arms around me. Gawd I sound sickening...fucking awful. I am so sorry if I gross you out. It's just SO HARD. I've got to get over him. Put him behind me...somehow... I just don't know where to start. I saw Jeremy today. it felt good to hug him. the feelings are there... but I don't think I'm quite ready to jump into that... I dunno. the following songs have helped me cope: Further Seems Forever - Justice Prevails Hot Hot Heat - No, Not Now Bright Eyes - Lover I don't have to love Taking Back Sunday - You're so last summer Tackign Back Sunday - Cute without the E Saves the Day - At Your Funeral Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down Dashboard Confessional - Carry this Picture for Luck Oasis - Wonderwall Audioslave - Like a Stone Blind Melon - No Rain Eagles - Desperado All American Rejects - Swing Swing Counting Crows - Colorblind Counting Crows - Chelsea Staind - Excess Baggage Evanescence - My Immortal Red Hot Chili Peppers - Porcelain yeah....I'm been kinda obsessed... thats all for now. night. |
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| Wednesday, June 4th, 2003 |
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I don't think I can ever feel it. Never again. Aaren said I would....her voice sounded so promising. But I don't think I can ever fall in love again. I put everything I had into him. And I knew it had to end. I knew that all along...but not this way. If he had just told me..."this has come to an end." it would have been fine.....but ending with us not being able to speak to each other at all...it kills me. I'm glad hes out for the time that he is. I hope he gets to stay out on probation. I just hate that he can't call. I hate that he can't come by. I hate that I can't know his next move. I hate that I don't know what is going to happen next....I hate this. On the other hand, I am trying to lighten up a little bit. For awhile I thought all was lost. but as I look at it....if it's meant to be, then the "L" word will find a way. Now I am setting him free. If he comes back to me, then I'll know. Until then I can't go on doing this...driving myself mad, or "mentally sick" as Aaren calls it. I am at least going to keep myself stable, so I can say that I AM TRYING. Plus I really don't want to go to that damn clinic they are wanting to send me to. FUCK THAT. I really don't know what to do next. I mean. Where do I go from here? Jeremy kinda deserted me, or maybe it was the other way around. I really do wanna see him actually. I think it would be nice to see and talk to him again, I mean, after all........ .... ... yeah That was really nothing....I just really didn't know how to finish the sentence. I mean, he liked me, I liked him, and I mean....I would just like to try and get my mind of Josh for a few days, seeing as how he went to Mulinburg (however the fuck you spell it) without calling me or telling Heather or Natasha anything to tell me. What am I suppose to think or do or feel? I mean, I can't sit around waiting for him, even though thats all I seem to want to do. It's not healthy. I just wish he would try to contact me. All I have is pictures and the feelings and thoughts of the past to hold me and comfort me....but I don't know how he feels now after Sunday night. Part of me feels like this is all my fault. On a lighter note....Aaren's bday party is this friday, my ACT workshop thingie is this Saturday, and I have to work Saturday night. WOOHOO. I actually have SOMETHING on my schedule! WOW. See...I AM trying. I like to be busy...and now I am slowly getting my life back into order. Pat and mom finally decided to tie the knot. He's going to officially be my step-dad. Nothing really is changing. Mom will just finally have his last name. Thats cool. Just like it always should have been. Well...I'm going to go. I have a few things to take care of and I'm off here. Please COMMENT....I really need your supposrt right now!! :'( Thankies... |
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2003 |
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I was so excited for nothing really...its crazy how it all turned out. I pretty much spent the whole week running around with Josh (thats HIM by the way....yeah...we call him Jesus...I really don't care if anyone knows anymore.) and now I wish we could have done some things differently. Now I am just moaping around, feeling miserable. Yesterday, when the sun was out it just made me totally forget about my troubles.. they can be so dumb sometimes. I realized that the weather really does seem to control my mood, it can be like that to many people. We were just ready for the camping out, the lake...the bonfire...just hanging out you know. I wanted to spend the time that I had left with him, to actually be with him doing somethings we like to do. Some way everything finds a way to be ruined. EVERYTHING. And if I cry one more time I'm almost convinced that my eyes are going to fall out or something bad like that. ------------- EVANESCENCE "My Immortal" I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along ------------- I'm so cold its crazy. I have reached a block again. Or not so much a block but I have lost more time, and have been completely neglecting my writing and photography. I haven't been anywhere but with Josh these past two weeks. I don't want to be here now...at home...knowing where he is and knowing I can't talk to him or hold him or see him. It hurts so much. So I hold all this in and tell no one. I know no one could understand and this post doesn't make much sense because no one knows what truely happened at all this weekend. Now I'm constantly running around, my head can't keep up with it. I want to slow down and I'm misplacing my youth right in front of my eyes. I'm 16, I feel sick when I say it, I feel sick. I shouldn't be 16, I do not deserve it...I'm not innocent as I should be, or happy. I listen to sad songs and constantly let my mind wander, if I didn't I would break. And yet, I'm broken still. And in this haze of hellos, goodbyes, new people, new faces, (and old ones mixed in somewhere) Heads in the toilet, and the long process of trying to gain someone I could never have, I realize that I bring it all upon myself. But I have to be a teenager right? Have to live it up. The past three weekends in a row I've lived with someone I love very much and who loves me back...but I could never truely have...and I know it. That is sad. So sad to the point that I thought I could keep my eyes dry, but the tears keep coming. But Josh, my god. I adore him...He is beautiful. ---------------- STAIND "Excess Baggage" Well I know the words, but I can't really speak them To you And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom From you And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside All the things that I live with I can't easily hide And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you It's not easy to hide All this damage inside I'll carry you with me Until I'm not alive When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly? To you? I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with From you I'm so sick of this place and this taste in my mouth Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you It's not easy to hide All this damage inside I'll carry you with me 'Til I'm not alive ------------------------- If I could just find the words to everything. If I knew just what to say and when to say, would I be right then? If I really was perfect, like Josh said I was...why can't I be with him now? Why can't everything be right now? a mental breakdown ends this sad day, with tears lasting for more than an hour as sobs violently shook my entire being. suppressed for now, but never gone. I don't have anything else worth writing... |
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| Thursday, May 29th, 2003 |
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Stay still Don't breathe I want to soak up this memory Before it has all washed away My bed was empty last night. I slept all alone The sleeping part was ok It seems easier to get up in the morning When I haven't crawled home from a late night Even still I missed the bus because I was lost deep in thought You seem to be all I think about anymore So it's been about 24 hours And I'm starting to feel the cramp of nervousness in my stomach that "I miss you" feeling I want you to come over now to kidnapp me from where ever I am at the moment and take me away "He played the hero this morning" I'd say "Saving me from the everyday world and taking me to our fantasy." I think he sensed an over reaction He sensed the worry I had for fear he'd forget everything we had shared "I'll send you something while you are sleeping...and in the morning you can tell me your dreams." I wish my dreams would come true. Talking about them only teases me for what I cannot have. He said my eyes tell stories... And he said that he could tell I wasn't happy with the outcome He could read it in me Just like he does everytime That it wouldn't be so tempting if I was really happy He said he saw it in my eyes as soon as he had picked me up from school He knew And he didn't want me to hurt like that To cry, he said, kills him inside He said I deserved better I knew knew it got any better than this... And why do I just let him walk away? He put into words my worst fears and now they are eating me away.. ..like acid And why does it hurt? Why am I so scared and sad? I know I didn't help the situation because instead of being strong, I let him know that what he was doing really hurts. that it effected me, and that I really do love him... Ja ta dore... or how ever you spell it.... |
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| Thursday, May 22nd, 2003 |
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but now I'm just waiting for the pinch to come...cause I know it can't all be REAL. Life can't be this good without something bad and ugly following it. there is a NEW -he- ... I won't ever mention his name....prolly....and if I do it is PURE accident. He is great...and he and I connect on the same level. We like each other for each other...not for age, looks, anything. (Well...he is ALWAYS telling me I am beautiful, gorgeous, la di da...but that is besides the point.) He compliments me on everything I do or say. He is so loving and caring. And he doesn't want me for....that..... As of now I realized that I'm not taking enough time for myself. I've been working non stop and running around...it took me three days to get around to shaving my arms...JESUS! Seriously I don't know where all of my time has been going. I'm sick of just going to sleep when I am NOT working and wasting my day away. Yesterday for some reason unknown was an amazing day, it could have been the worst in the world, but it turned out SO good. I spent the whole day with HIM...it just gave me good feelings about things. He has this conflict and its our only problem...I'm just scared of the choice he is going to make...either way. To Aliceia: For all of the times I've been inconsiderate or not tried enough to make you happy.. I'm sorry but I can only help people so much. Please don't take it offensively because well you shouldn't. I try. I try. I never thought I'd hear this song and think of you: Audioslave - Like a Stone. welp...gonna go... I gotta choir performance tonight and gotta get ready. Nighty. |
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| Monday, May 19th, 2003 |
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 kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but quite daring. you move for the kill confidently knowing the other person wants the same thing. What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla haha....yeah  Random Fast-Food Mascot What's Your Personality Type? brought to you by Quizilla uh...yeah....thats me!  your eyes show unhappiness which eye are you? brought to you by Quizilla here lately...yeah... I can't help but getting hurt.. I mean JEEZ...I have a string of four guys that are currently debating...ME or their GIRLFRIEND.... SHIT! why can't I just get a single guy....just a SINGLE guy...that wants ME...for ME! grrr! me: I wish I was prettier marc: you are gorgeous me: I wish I was older marc: you are the perfect age me: I wish I didn't seem so stupid marc: you are so smart me: I'm not perfect... marc: to me you are me: then why can I only get guys that are taken marc: because the ones that are single would rather be stupid than with someone who really cares.. me: I hate how you are always right. marc: sorry... yeah...My life is so fucked right now.. I don't even feel like writing in here. |
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2003 |
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dude... I need someone who can make an icon for me... hmm.... |
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2003 |
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These past two weeks have been awful. I've been so tired and worn out and sick....grr. Then I have to turn around and go into work almost every night. The nights I don't work I'm too sick or tired to move to do anything. Aliceia is still kinda ticked that no one can come over. I can't help it. She doesn't look at the fact that my mom said that and I can't argue with that...she just looks at the fact that she can't come over and I find the most inane times to tell her that she can't. So she gets mad at me. Like I DONT want her over?? Come on... Owell....when we get to wherever we will live together then she will have enough of me....craziness and all. woo hoo I hope my pay check is bigger nest payday. Not only have I worked my ASS OFF....but I REALLY need the money for these senior pictures. See....I COULD be earning money for an apartment....I COULD be working towards a car....but noooooooooooo..... I'm working on my senior pictures. owell. better to be working for SOMETHING than wasting my money. owell...I'm going to go because I have to get off soon... |
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2003 |
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I haven't put an entry in here for so long becase there haven't been any words to describe how I have been feeling. I've been hating everyone...and it's like some moments I can't stand to be around anyone...then other moments I just want to be around certain people. Then when I am all happy and shit...everyone else is sucky to be around. SO that puts me in a bad mood. grr. Can I just say Fuck all ya'll for a second. everyone...I mean EVERYONE!!! Go ahead dismiss me. You know I feed off that feeling. Makes me wanna wrip my hair out and write and write and write!!! She's a fuck head. He's a fuck head! You all suck...I wish I was a fish...30 second memory sounds good to me. Why should I pick you up when you are just going to let me fall again. everyone comes to me for everything...like I'm God or something. I mean...I can't be everyones leaning post..I hate it here...I see how plastic everything is and i want to vommit. Excuse me when i bend over will you kiss my ass...we could take turns. wtf! everyone's so full of shit. "I just needed some place to type my current thoughts, I needed to know that they were going to be read, whether this is for my ego or not--I do not know--all I know is that it helps to have your feelings somewhere out there." My heart is literally breaking right now. I have so many feelings for so many different guys....but I'm not sure what it even means. I'm not happy. He was right. Chris was right. I am too akwardly random. but he only said that because he's the only one who could possibly want me the way I am now. Then that plays into me doubts, my fears.... and I hate him for that. But god aren't Bandy and Micheal good at manipulation? and the temptation is sometimes RIGHT THERE.. the temptation to just tell them how it is...how it hurts...and how I REALLY FUCKING FEEL about them, about life, and about our situations. And allow myself to put a stop to whats happening between me and everyone else. I just don't know... I dont know what it is. And when did I become THAT girl? thats whats making me sick of myself right now....when did I start to turn into the girl who I hated in high school. The one who HAS to be with someone. The one so afraid of being alone forever... and I think it would break my heart even more to realize that I am such a fool only screwing up my life...not making it better..., which is probably the right thing until I get my head straight... Damn you Chris. I hate how you love me but then push me away. You tell me how you like me and you want me...but yet you show off your pictures of you and your girlfriend to me, and you tell me she and I should hang otu, that we are so alike....yeah....you're fucked up. I know I'm not a rocket scientist devoted to making the world a better place, but god-almighty-damn I think that the majority of people in this world are just stupid. Stupid, lazy, indolent wretches who don't deserve the air they breathe. How hard is it to be polite, or at least civil? How hard is it to just fucking be pleasant?COMMON FUCKING COURTESY, PEOPLE, IS NOT SO MUCH TO ASK. yeah....so there. |
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me says: wish I could sleep ...but I'm so restless Kat says: awww i am sorry...what are you restless about?? me says: everything me says: guys, money, girls...everything. Kat says: i understand that.......this day has been terrible. I just want school to end. me says: this whole week has been terrible me says: I can only comfort so many people before my own head wants to explode. me says: god i know what you mean. It's everybody else and nobody else cares about what you are feeling. At least that's how my friends are.. me says: some do...but I'd rather not talk aout it with them you know? me says: because you know that really you'll just piss them off one way or another by what you want to say Kat says: exactly Kat says: maybe things will get better.....hopefully me says: I hope so. Kat says: hmmm.......i would get my feelings out.......it might make some people mad.....but it might be better in the long run for things....that way one day you won't just totally go off on somebody about it. Kat says: i mean, that's just some advice i would give...do whatever you feel you need to though Gawd....can you tell I'm depressed? shit. arg. I'm just tired of everyone being so pissy all the fucking time. I can't please everyone.... dammit. |
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Blurty for All the things I wanted to say...but couldn't..
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bouncy.
mellow.
crazy.
sore.