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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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2:19 am
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the last six months of being a brunette have been peculiarly (is that a word?) refreshing.
that is, if you only look at my feelings towards my hair and my ideas on how it affects me/my life.
i've spent the last 6 months or so hibernating...hermitaging (i know that isn't a word). perhaps even hemorrhaging???
funny thing...i knew i was depressed and lonely...but i didn't ever see it as a prolonged state. i saw it as occasional days until i went over the pages of my journal...and see the word lonely in almost every entry.
i always wondered what it would be like to be one of the broken girls, wild and oddly lovable. i myself have always been stable...pillar of strength. i always thought there was a metaphorical steel rod that ran through my personality and my soul.
i always thought i'd always have myself.
its weird, waking up one day and realizing that you lost part of yourself...and that you were trying pretty hard to lose the rest....
to hide from the only person who knows just how lost you are.
i'm moving to north carolina in july. i love illinois and my roots...but i'm anxious to get to josh and i's apartment and to be able to take off the brave face and to start my life...even if josh isn't there
i wonder and worry...and worry and wonder about him every day.
and i know he does the same for me...he knew i was broken too...
i'm not sure i'm unbroken...but i know that i'm better...
one more month and then i start my new life in north carolina.
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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5:17 pm - Confusion, Frustration, And Strawberry Shortcake
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So, I haven't actually updated here in forever, if forever is 2 months. I started using blogger, and now I feel as exposed as I felt when I came here at first. Though there hasn't been any kind of drama, I know who is reading and who isn't. It is one thing to send my thoughts and feelings into the great void known as the Internet and having people coming across it. But it is quite another when people who know you know and read them regularly. I have performance anxiety, I guess. You know, once you do something good, good stuff is always expected of you. So I'm retreating into my hole, so I can sort myself out.
Lately, I can't decide on anything...I mean, on anything hardly. Literally, I took 5 mins. trying to decide colby or provolone on my sandwich earlier today. It seems that once I get to a point that I can't seem to get past on one subject, I turn to another and work on that till I reach that point again. Case in point: I'm designing my cousin's room. Its something I'm good at, designing a new decor around a room's already there personality. But I have this flaw with my personality that I can only plan so much and then never get it done. So, I'll move on to the wedding...and I'll plan and get frustrated and stop. And then....I'm getting to the point where I realize I don't like Business Administration classes...at all...so that's frustrating. I really just want to have a major and get college over with. My problem is that I want to be everything at once. I've been thinking about an English major with a philosophy minor, and then becoming a Creative Writing/Critical Thinking teacher. We aren't teaching children, through their education, how to think. The whole educational system is a case of bulimia. The children engorge themselves on the facts last minute, and then they regurgitate the facts for the grade. Or...another label "parrot classes"....The teacher goes "Sqwak! Sqwak! Sqwak!", and then the students goes "Sqwak! Sqwak! Sqwak!". But then, being a teacher is just an idea...I also want to own a deli/coffee shop thing somewhere in T-ville. I want to take up dancing and painting. I just don't think college is the place for me that I thought it would be. So I'll finish and then get on with what I want to do.
But on a side note, I woke up around noon today and made strawberry shortcake, most productive part of my day. And it was nice to putter around, sing to Ani, and make something nice in the kitchen...you know, be productive. I feel so stupid saying that...but it is nice to see a product from your work. And the shortcake was delicious, though the weather isn't complimenting it at all.
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
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3:06 am
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I spent the earlier part of this evening, deleting blog after blog from my Favorites. I don't know, right before Break, I just went on this blog-adding craze and ended up with over 25 blogs in my favorites. I'd read an entry, and if I was intrigued, I'd add them. But afterwards, I felt obligated (not exactly the word I want, but it'll do) to try to read and get to "know" them. And then, after failing or failing by not trying, I left them to gather dust until today. I went through and pared it down to 11 insightful and witty blogs for my amusement. This is such an odd entry really...I mean, I know what I want to say...but alas! The words stay hidden.
I've been thinking alot lately...on alot of things, but today, I was mainly thinking about the power of the word...and then the power of the author. thinking about how powerful it is to take a word and then to use it till it is no longer itself, no longer its textbook definition. to use it till its only definition is your writing... till it transforms with your every push of a key.
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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1:02 am
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I love my walks to my car every day before I work. I'll check my purse one last time for my apartment key and my car keys. And then, I race out of the apartment and down the stairs. Most of the time, I walk down Fourth St. and then crossover to go in front of the Krannert Art Museum. Halfway down Fourth, I pop a piece of gum in my mouth, and you know, you wouldn't think that piece of gum makes a difference. But it does. The walk down Peabody is shaded and pretty much deserted, leaving me all this time to just walk and think. I look at all the brick buildings with their white window frames and wonder what's inside. I tell myself that one day when I'm not in hurry, I'm going to explore those buildings and know why they are there.
The leaves are turning, and the weather is cooling down. Fall is here. Tonight in its stillness almost reminds me of a night last year that Josh and I drove out into the country of Urbana and found this almost cul de sac shaped inlet in a corn field. We drove up inside, parked. He sat on the hood of the car, holding me against the cold, whispering in my ear, and kissing my neck, as we watched the stars. Except tonight, there are no stars and Josh is in North Carolina.
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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12:54 am
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It's raining outside. Isn't that beautiful? At least, it sounds beautiful from my third story apartment. So, about 3 weeks into my sophomore year, my feet and legs are sore from working 30 hours a week, and I've only been drunk 3 times since I've been here. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Craziness, pure craziness, I tell you, we spend our whole lives saying when I grow up, I'm going to do this. And this holds all these unlimited options swirling and unraveling before our imaginations.
Then, one day, you (or I, to put this into better perspective) wake up with priorities. That's right, friends and neighbors, priorities. I work 30 hours a week, and tonight after a frustrating night in fast food (because no one sees a human as a human as they are handing out fries), I get off the 22 Illini to see a gang of T-ville kids walking by my apartment, going out to have fun. And I felt infinitely old. It all happened so fast. It's weird to me that I'm going to an "Employer Forum" for Advertising, Marketing, and Sales on the 2nd, that I'm planning my life, well, at least my academic life 2 1/2 years in advance. Go ahead, ask me which classes I'm taking first semester of my 4th and hopefull final year in college.
But, then I realize those priorities are the paths I chose, the people I love, and the future I hope for. All the conditioning that I tried to do with myself through high school...tried to make myself a more thoughtful, caring person didn't prepare me for understanding and chosing adulthood. And it's scary, and it's beautiful, and it's magical, and it's unnerving because...
because I found some of my this.
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| Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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11:49 pm - And on with the show?
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Now, where was I? Right, right, in the middle of July. Where did July go?
Anyway, I'm back here at the good ole U of I. Classes started about a week and a half ago...and everything seems to be going good. I've finished my Psych 100 and Comm 201 reading for the night...and procrastinating on my Math 125. Can you blame me? Linear Algebra with Business Applications??? Blecchk! Despite its blecchkiness, this class is the easiest math class I've taken in years. Well...so far, hopefully I won't be eating my words at the end of the semester.
Jpsh and I are continuing to talk about marriage. In other words, if we can figure everything out, I might be married within a year and a half. Yes, I know we're young. Yes, I know we have so much life ahead of us, and how do we know this will be forever? Well, I don't know that for sure. In fact, I don't know anything for sure, but I have a pretty good idea. We have a pretty good idea. Nothing formal has happened yet. Really all of our plans are now in the hands of Time and Money. And we'll see. That's my theory. We'll see.
Okay, not always. I was going through my things...and found this day planner. As I looked through it, smiling at my attempt to be organised, I noticed I hadn't marked our anniversarys past the 3rd month. Then, I found another planner (I buy them constantly...again an attempt for organization) and it had our anniversarys up till the 6th month. Then, I found this thing I had wrote at 16, and it was about how frustrated I was that I had never just let myself have a boyfriend even if there were no feelings and how I wouldn't settle for anything other than the real thing. I concluded that I wouldn't settle...but I didn't think that would ever come my way. And then, I found a hot pink slip of paper from an ABY meeting (an attempt at religion), and on the back, it said, "Forever's not something you have to hold hands with to be able to see." It was from the first 2 weeks of our relationship, and I was doomed from the beginning.
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2003
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9:56 pm
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How shall I say this...ummm...life is fucking annoying, but besides that...
It's a rather muggy night. The air just seems to bear down on a person to the point where they run back to the safety of their air-conditioned cars and houses, run away from the craziness the air creates. I know it seems like an old wives' tale...but my mother works in a hospital and has for the last 25 years. There is no denying that on nights like this (well, not exactly like this, it needs to be a shade hotter, I've decided), the ER is jumping...even in a small town. I know it doesn't support my argument (if I have one) but even the stars are absent tonight, keeping their light up in their cold dark.
Not that any of this matters, but a person who works outside in the corn fields nine hours a day and six days a week understands what the weather means for them and the crop and the people they are supervising. There isn't much of a difference between 85 and 90, just a couple of degrees, but boy, do those five degrees change a person's mood. Anyway, everyone knows the weather is an icebreaker, something the person you're jawing with will understand and then will decide to relate their opinion, hope, or anecdote about it. The weather is just something so obvious to talk about, so why not start there.
More than anything, walking from the house to the shop where we now keep the computer, I should have been put in place. It should occur to me that I'm walking out of a building about 140 years old, something that has stood the test of time and seen people and things come and go. Yes, I should be put in my place, because I've that change is eventual...that I can't escape.
But I'm not, and more and more, I wonder where all this change is going to take me, and if it is going to make things better or worse. Some days, I could up-and-down gurantee you that it was for the better, because by God! I am going to fucking tear the world to shreds. I'm going somewhere, I'm doing something...and I can do what it takes. And...then...there are other days when I just want to stay juvenile and (well) in bed. I don't want the responsibility. I just want to continue, waking up at noon on Sunday and switching back and forth from book to book all day (like I did today).
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003
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9:59 pm
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Those expectant brown eyes look up at me, searching, asking, "What about you? What did college bring your way?" He seemed so short, and his grown-out hair added to the look of a college kid.
I wished I could say that within college, I found understanding...self and otherwise. That through one year of college, I tamed lions, studied Buddhism in Tibet, and became queen of the fucking jungle.
God, these we're-back-after-a-year-of-college small talk sessions kill me. What do I look like? An answer or something? That, yes, all of our hard work in high school paid off (for at least one of us) because now I KNOW? Know what, you ask? Everything! It feels like all of them (us) are searching for something.
And when they ask about my future, it is hard not to cringe. What do I know about my future? I can barely even guess. Then, sometime within the conversation, the question will come:
You're still with Josh???
I guess I can't blame them. It is a dumbfounding combination of two people. I think they notice a change in me, a change they can't get to...can't put their finger on. It would be hard...to understand that somehow, I am carrying around someone else's dreams and aspirations and feelings everywhere I go. They're there, in me, with, on me, around me. Loving someone changes you. I'm not sure if it is for better or worse, but it does.
I wish I could help them...give them a clue, but then again, I'm still searching, too.
Ever felt like your brain has got a hold of you, and it is taking you somewhere, but your feet just can't keep up? I feel that way tonight...time to get in the Cutlass and fly...time to scream at the moon.
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| Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
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11:01 pm - So, life, huh?
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The weather is a full seven degrees colder than it usually is this time of year...and summer has yet to peek its golden head out of the clouds. I've been home a little over 3 weeks...and it has been pretty good, real good actually.
I had a mini-drama before my birthday (the 31st). Josh asked me to come down (where he is doing his MOS training) for that weekend. Part of me wanted to go...part of me wanted to stay at home with my friends where I would be guaranteed a good drunken time. But then Josh called and said that it'd have to be some other weekend because he had to work.
Anyway, the 30th, all of us (us=my guys, Keely, and I) went to this skateboard place where all my guys' bands were playing. Then, we all headed back to Drew's and had a joint birthday party for Evan and I. It was cool, seeing a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, blah blah blah, etc.
Then, at 8:30 am on my birthday, I got woken up by a bald guy with white and pink roses. It was my baby!!! Josh paid someone to take his shift and rode all the way here in the back of an S10. 'Twas perfect and romantic and so like the movies. Sorry, I had to brag somewhere.
Elsewise, life's been purty slow here. I tend to blur days and dates...and am living one weekend to the next. Luckily, Keely's around to keep my days amusing...and somewhat active.
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
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2:36 am - These truths:
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I listen to and rap along with a lot of rap. No seriously, a lot of rap.
All my friends are into or are in punk bands.
I'm captivated by the sky.
Or green grass.
Or trees.
Throw that all together and that's where I live, so I go around stupid and captivated most of the time.
The Big Dipper comforts me. I'm not sure if it'll lead me home, but it'll lead me somewhere.
I made up people when I was younger. By people, I mean boyfriends.
Not sure why, but I think it is because no boy ever surpassed "Jeff Jones'" intellect or nice ass.
I was afraid of the dark. By was, I mean am.
Country makes me cry.
I hold a lot of myself back...the myself I am with my family and my closest friend.
I'd really like to learn how to play chess well. I mean, chess is for smart people. I want to be smart, too.
I eat too much cheese.
The only person I can impersonate is my mom...and sometimes, it is unintentional.
Eight years in Advanced English and I still don't know where the apostrophe goes on it's(its).
George and Raoul will be sleeping with me this evening...my teddy bears.
Every song on the radio makes me think about Josh.
Maybe that's because every song on the radio is about love or losing it.
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1:54 am
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Really not sure what to say about my life right now:
Last Saturday, I got smashed...on vodka (well, jello shots)...again. And I can't remember too much about that night...except spasming...and vomiting...and clutching my cell hoping my boyfriend would call. Apparently, I also moshed...and smoked...and did random shit...nothing too bad...but maybe I should close the Vodka Chapter for a little while and go back to the pansy drinks.
While I was recuperating Sunday, Josh called...and I was struck with this doubt and anxiety...and really this huge "duh" factor. As I was lying in my bed that I've had since I was 6 in boring little Illinois, he said that he was on the beach, smoking a cigarette with his friends and that he'd just bought a backpack. And I remembered at one point during the night before sitting in a van by myself crooning.."baby..baby...baby..." while clutching my phone...which is (at least by my standards) notably worse than just carrying the damn phone with me just in case, Josh would call. I realized for the next 4 years of my life that's what its going to be like...I'm going to be by myself, waiting...but not waiting...but waiting for my boyfriend to call. And come on, say it with me, "duh"!
I mean, this is kinda obvious, right? I mean, I have a boyfriend in the Marines...so of course, it would make sense that he would be away...and I wouldn't see him too often or even hear from him. But being the oh-so-sharp person I am...I just realized the full idea of that idea. At least for the next four years, I'm alone, but I'm not single. It is this weird limbo where you have to still be aware of this other important person in your life but without them being in your life...and I just figure that maybe during that time, feelings would or can change. I feel a little helpless. No, probably more than a little.
And I still love Josh...a lot. I just wish I knew how to deal with this better.
Other than that:
Keely and I have been hanging out all the time, which is cool, because I missed her. Umm, right now, I'm avoiding the guys because as I said, I got trashed Saturday...and I figure if I'm not around for about a week, someone else will do something stupid. Lord knows what I managed to say or do Saturday!
I still have no idea what I want to do on my birthday. Right now, I feel that crying might be nice...followed up by cheesecake...and talking to my baby. Either that or I'll party with my friends...and try not to feel jipped because once again, I didn't get to share something with Josh.
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
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12:49 am
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Gee, Blurty's looking kinda drab tonight. That sucks...I really just have this feeling like I want/need to do something...anything. So far tonight, I've looked at the floor plan and virtual tour of my apartment for next year. Yeah, I definitely should have gone and seen it with Hilary and Mel. 'Tis a tad small...especially the bedroom! I have no idea where I'm going to put all my shit. No, seriously, I'm a packrat...but a sentimental one...and where am I going to put all the shit that matters to me? Hell! Where am I going to put myself? Maybe I could do that...fill my bedroom full of my crap and sleep on the couch in the living room.I have it figured out...I'm going to use half of my closet as a closet...and half of the closet to house my television and various other shit...basically my whole life...and get those nifty under the bed storage things...that I prolly won't use for anything too important...just the other parts of my life I couldn't fit into the closet. Maybe I can construct some kind of shelving that goes above the bed...and pray it doesn't fall on my head. No wonder my parents live in our house...4,000 sq. feet to house all the shit of 27 years of marriage and 3 kids. For God's sake, we have one room devoted to old toys. We have this huge wooden barrel of stuffed animals; Ok, now I see a correlation. In a big house, if you feel cluttered--you move all the crap you don't think you need in your presence to another room. But really people, right now, in my little dorm room, I have 3 stuffed animals already--A seriously faded octopus named Po-po which went through my wreck and before that was the stationary passenger of my Beretta, a white teddy bear holding a heart from Keely from last Valentine's named Ramone, and the blue teddy bear from Josh named George. I dry roses; I keep movie ticket stubs, notes, receipts, and scraps of paper. I'm doomed! Doomed!
Anyway, I've also spent sometime looking at belly rings and tattoo designs...and porn. Ah...yes! The finer things in life. *end sarcasm* I'm seriously contemplating a belly ring...but honestly I like my body as is...and I'm not sure if I want one. So, until I figure that out, I'm not shelling out 40 bucks just to take the damn thing out afterwards. Now, a tattoo...I don't think I have the guts to do that...not the pain...just making a decision that I know will be there for life.
I went grocery shopping today...for myself...by myself!!! That's a first...very strange! I wonder if all first-time grocery shoppers go with the 5 food groups and what not. I felt so funny...cuz I got salad...and sandwich stuff...and then yogurt and milk and cheese...and bread...and then I decided that I definitely needed some fruit. My trip around Wal-Mart could have been a Sesame Street segment of food groups. That's right, Mujer (my nickname for my mama...yep I call her Lady), I'm a big kid now! What's really depressing that even with buying all the cheapest brands("being a smart consumer" Thanks Resource Management and Consumer Ed!), my total came up to 30 dollars...and that food would prolly only last me for a week or so...if I didn't eat regularly...which I don't...BUT that's not the point. The point is...
Jesus! It's expensive to be alive...It's expensive to die, too. Give em awhile, and they'll charge us for each thought we have...or the air we breathe. No wonder my mom's always bitching about money...and she makes over 40,000 a year.
Yeah, yeah, I've been sheltered, but at least...I can say shopping for groceries was fun...how many have that spin on it?
Josh left today for MCT at Camp Pendelton (or Pendleton (yeah that looks right))...I think it's for like 3 weeks or so. Anyway, I think I'll be fine...but then again, this was the first day. Ask me in a week.
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
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12:25 am
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Everything's squaring away...and school's almost over. Tonight was my last night at work for this semester. That's beautiful. So, it is weird to think that I could start taking down my pictures and packing shit up, you know? Definitely the shortest time I've lived somewhere...considering I had never moved until college came around. So, what do I think about moving?
I think that I might have been more outgoing if I hadn't had a boyfriend...who was going away to the service. I think that I wasted my freshman year slacking off and not trying to meet anyone. I mean, if I can find at least 10 people at home that I love being around all time, then I should be able to find two here, right? I'm definitely willing to admit that I haven't tried to meet people or to build friendships outside of class.
I think that I don't like living the dorms and away from nature. In fact, I know I hate the fact that I feel like I missed Spring springing. The other day, my cousin, Morgan, and I went to a park at home and had a picnic and picked flowers and then found these trails that lead around the two ponds to private little viewing decks or little concrete things to fish off of. It was so much fun exploring with all this beautiful green-ness around me and seeing so many birds.
I think that I like proving that I'm a good worker...anywhere. I like people depending on me...and knowing that I do a good job because that's what I believe in. I get paid to do the best job possible....and if I'm not trying for that, then I don't deserve the job. Fast food or not, a job is a job...and I believe in applying myself in every aspect of the workplace. I think it pays off...moneywise...reputationwise...egowise.
I think that I knew that I was sheltered...in the sense of the many different kinds of people, not race...just different personality types, but I didn't realize how sheltered. I still don't get sleeping with a whole bunch of people you don't and never will care for. I still don't get how you can tell how great a person is or isn't from 5 feet away.
And I'm glad, glad that I trusted myself...my "gut instinct"...about Josh. I admit it; I get scared...scared that I've put too much of myself in and that there is no going back...if this goes wrong, I'm getting hurt...period. And it does suck that I can see things that way...but life happens, you know? Josh and I really don't have plans to get married for another 4 years. 4 motherfucking years!!! You know what happened in 4 years of my life? High school, and that doesn't say shit. Let me spell it out for you...I changed religions or spiritualities or mindsets or whatever like 20 times. I changed my view of my future job 5 times. I cut my hair frigging all kinds of different ways. I had crushes on over 50 guys. I only dated 3...I told you I was picky. I changed friends; I flipped a car. I've had 4 different vehicles in 2 years. I've loved, hated, loved, hated, loved, and hated my parents. I've almost moved out twice. I started smoking...I stopped smoking....I started smoking...and guess what? I stopped again. I've had 3 jobs...officially anyway. Had my first kiss, had my first almost everything. Life changes way too much...and that's just for me, one of the most stationary, average-unaverage people in the world. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I love Josh...I do, but I can not realisticly say that 4 years won't change our point of view.
You know what I think, though? I think that even if shit goes bad, I'll more than likely wake up tomorrow. I'll go to class...probably drive home...watch a movie with Josh...and fall asleep next to him. Life goes on...(yeah, no one saw that coming...) and I still just like letting things take their course.
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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4:54 pm
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Some days, all I need is a change, a change of something...hell anything. My life seems to be floating along, and I fucking want something to feel real.
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11:03 am
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It's been a while since:
I updated.
I screamed and screamed because I felt like it.
I danced.
I sang in a choir.
I knew.
I had fun coloring outside the lines.
something creative has poured from me onto the canvas.
I felt as though I could conquer the world.
I've been inspired to be outside the day to day life bullshit.
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2003
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1:10 pm
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One time...a long time ago... I had a friend named Ashley. Ashley and I went way back; she and I knew each other since kindergarten, and we knew everything about each other. And then sometime during our senior year, we just stopped talking...no fight...no bad blood...just we had nothing to talk about anymore, nothing in common. Anyway, I guess my cellphone called her yesterday...and here we were, again, on the phone with each other, grasping at words and just waiting for the silence to end.
Talking to Ashley always depresses me. She was my first friend lost to life, to growing up, to changing. But her phone numbers are still in my cellphone, and this box of pictures of us she gave me still sits on the shelf above my computer. On the back of each photo is a question starting with "Can you forget..." And now as I sift through those pictures and read the questions, I see more and more that I have forgotten already. How is it that you can care for someone but almost in a past tense? How is it that someone who filled every moment in your life can suddenly have this background position which shows up every once and a while just to let you know that things will never be the same again?
I'm taking the box down off the shelf today, and maybe in a little while, I'll erase her numbers off my phone...but not yet. I admit it, I still have hope that one day I'll call her, and we'll have something to say, you know? It'll be right...different....but right.
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| Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
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5:01 pm
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I don't know. I really just don't know what to write.
Josh graduated the 11th, and it was so good to just to be able to see him again. And our first kiss in 3 months should have had corny romantic music in the background. Lately, I've seen a lot of couples split or almost split...We hung out with the guys last night, and I bitched about college. It sucks, but it was so good to see all my guys. I forget sometimes how cool it is to chill with them.
Let's see...I'd have to say that my baby looks so hot in his uniform, which kind of sucks because I know other girls are noticing him. We went shopping the other day, and the salesgirl was all about Josh when I was looking through some clothes. He mentioned it...and I just said that I didn't think that I had anything to be concerned about. I mean, we talk about how we want to have a hammock in the backyard of our first house. What random girl is going to change that? I suppose anything's possible, but I think I'll just assume that that isn't going to happen any time soon.
What's cool is that I've figured out the next three years of school so I can graduate with a Bachelor's in Business Adminstration specializing in Marketing. Yay! Happy Dance! And I get to register for Fall 2003 tomorrow. Everything's wrapping up here, and in a month I'll be home with a whole month ahead of me to do nothing before my summer job starts. I'm so ready to get this semester over with and to take my leave of absence from work. Ah! Sunny days, steaks, drunken nights, the Square, and no obligations for a month...how fucking awesome is that?
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
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10:36 am
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Yesterday I woke up feeling like my heart was in my throat...and I felt like I could cry at anything. My whole body was almost singing..."It's almost over...You get to see Josh in 4 days" I got my last two letters from him earlier this week. And he sent me something that's going to be kept for our kids. One day, I'll be able to say, This is what your father gave to me when he was in basic training. But it is way too special to completely share with y'all.
But today is Tuesday, and I fly out to San Diego in less than 24 hours. So, I need to finish packing.
Today, my heart's not in my throat...but I still feel like crying. My whole body seems tense...anxious....and my mind has been in San Diego for at least 3 days now. It's almost over, that's so beautiful.
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| Saturday, April 5th, 2003
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5:17 am
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You know the part in Lion King where grown Simba walks away from grown Nala and flops himself on this rock ledge thing...and then the little weed polleny things floated to the baboon...
my thoughts and my brain feel like polleny-seed things.
Remember how many of those you blew off a milkweed meant how many kids you were supposed to have.
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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11:44 pm
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I swear that everytime I think about seeing Josh and being with him again, I cry.
Anyway, I tend to be thinking about college and the major shit lately. Hmmm...I swear I used to be able to know what I wanted out of life. Really, I did. And now, I don't have a fucking clue. Except that I'm changing into Business Administration specializing in Marketing.
Lalalalalalala...that what my brain seemed to be doing all today...either that...or "Now...what?"
But anyway, I just want to find my place, and I don't think I totally thought out my college plans or coming to the University of Illinois. Actually, I know I didn't think it out...It was more like "I know I can get into here without any trouble."
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