fantastic Fish All of the dates I've written about in this journal have been on Craigslist, so this date one is different. I met her through
Plenty of Fish. Rather than a classified ad site where ads expire after a week if they're not deleted earlier than that, POF is a dating site with persistent profiles. Since those profiles can be searched, I have to cut more details out of the story to protect her identity.
Lately I have spent some time reading the forums on POF. When people there said things I found interesting, I frequently looked at their profiles. In the case of this woman, I found her profile very interesting. Here's her profile, heavily paraphrased and censored for privacy:
| [user name] | [brief summary] |
| City: [same general area as me] | Height: [average] | Age: [a few years younger than mine] |
| [Pictures: PoF resizes pictures so that they're pretty small and grainy, but it's still clear that she's very attractive] |
| I am Seeking a: Man | For: Dating | Marital Status: [unattached] |
| Smoker? No | Do you drink? No | Do you do drugs? No |
| Smarts: [well-educated] | Profession: [her job suggests we'd have some shared interests] |
About Me
[She's optimistic, adventurous, occasionally shy. She likes both intellectual and physical activity. She's in no hurry to get married. She travels and speaks more than one language. She expects honesty. She has eccentric music tastes. Her profile essay is long and informative.] |
First Date
[coffee date, or some sort of adventure] |
Mail Settings
older than xx
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not do drugs |
Unsurprisingly, the first thing that caught my attention there was the pictures of a very attractive woman. The text was long, detailed, interesting, and self-consistent. (She seemed almost too good to be true, so I read carefully for inconsistencies that would reveal any sort of misrepresentation.) She wasn't looking for "Intimate Encounter" (as PoF describes what I've been looking for), but her mail settings don't block users with that profile setting, so I assumed that the worst that could happen was that she might take my introduction as a compliment and say "thanks but no thanks" in reply.
I started writing, covering several topics. My introductory message ended up over 400 words, all personally crafted for her. I started with a few innocent paragraphs before addressing the point that I found her incredibly attractive, and hoped she might be interested in no-strings sex while I'm in an open-marriage state. Since I addressed personal details in her profile, I have to censor parts of what I wrote:
From: [my user name] (View Profile) Sent Date: 1/1/2009 5:30:14 PM
Subject: [one of her forum topics], compliments, etc.
[A long paragraph discussing what it was in the forums that drew my attention to her.]
[Two long paragraphs commenting on a shared interest.]
[Three not-so-long paragraphs explaining a story behind the picture I sent.]
Finally, it's clear from your profile that you're not primarily looking for what I am. But if I were looking for regular dating you'd be high on my list of women to contact. As I said, your profile gives the impression that you're healthy, strong, and interesting, and the pictures show that you're good-looking too.
I also assume that it's improbable that you're even secondarily looking for the same thing I am. But [something I quoted from her profile] encourages me to give it a try just in case you are interested. If not, feel free to ignore this paragraph, and trust that I'll limit any future communications to polite conversation.
[I attached a waist-up picture of myself, with a nice smile.]
Wow, she appreciated my message. She liked my writing. And coincidentally, she was interested in finding someone for no-strings sex, just as I'm making the offer.
From: [her user name] (View Profile) Sent Date: 1/1/2009 6:08:01 PM
Subject: RE:[one of her forum topics], compliments, etc.
Thanks for writing to me! I think you are right about [the forum topic I wrote about].
[Four words.] You seem very intelligent, I can tell you are a good writer, would be good to read some of your work... and you could not have chosen better timing to contact me.. it's sort of funny that you were writing to me just as I was writing a letter that was somewhat related to what you are looking for. An interesting coincidence! One question: how long before you re off the market?
[her first name]
I continued with a couple of paragraphs of small-talk. Then I admitted that I was amazed that she was receptive to the idea I was proposing. I got started trying to arrange a time when it might happen:
From: [my user name] (View Profile) Sent Date: 1/2/2009 1:50:26 AM
Subject: [one of her forum topics], compliments, etc.
[Three sentences about politics.] But I'll spare you politics unless I find you're interested in the topic.
[Another sentence about the same forum topic.] But again, enough about that sort of thing.
So, I have written to a very attractive woman, made a positive impression, cautiously presented the idea of a date that isn't meant to lead to a committed exclusive relationship. And not only did I receive a reply, it was something other than a clear "no." That's not something that happens very day!
Unless schedules change, I am available [two sentences about when I'm available]. Aside from that, my schedule is very flexible. We could meet as soon as late tomorrow afternoon, if we can work out the details that quickly and your schedule allows.
Since your profile tells me that you live in [her location, and reference to other details in her profile], I'm guessing that [a particular mall] is a reasonably convenient location for you. If so, and if we are able to align our schedules, would the Starbucks between [two landmarks] be a good place to meet? I don't mean to be pushy suggesting a place to meet without first determining whether a workable time exists; I just offer the idea to reduce the number of e-mails needed to meet if we are able to find the opportunity.
[I should give] you off-site contact information. [A few words], since my e-mail refreshes automatically, and I have to remember to check e-mail on PoF manually. My e-mail address is [my address].
-[My first name]
Wow, it looked like she'd be available soon:
From: [her user name] (View Profile) Sent Date: 1/1/2009 9:53:54 AM
Subject: [one of her forum topics], compliments, etc
Hi [My first name],
I am available all day today starting noon; not sure yet what my day will look like tomorrow, [brief explanation. The mall I suggested] might be a bit TOO close to home if you know what I mean; would you like to meet further South? I can call you if you like.
[Her first name],
[Her e-mail address]
I slept late that day, and didn't see her POF message right away. Just as I was checking my POF mail, she sent me regular e-mail to let me know she had written on POF:
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 11:49 -0800 (PST)
From: [her e-mail address]
To: [my e-mail address]
Subject: Check your POF mail!
[Her first name]
While her regular e-mail message was coming to my in-box, I was writing on POF to tell her that my schedule was mostly open:
From: [my user name] (View Profile) Sent Date: 1/2/2009 11:56:04 AM
Subject: [one of her forum topics], compliments,
Today would be just fine. I'm going [out somewhere], and should be home around 2 or 3.
I understand too close to home. [A sentence speculating about why, which turned out to be wrong.]
I welcome your suggestions for a more suitable location. We can meet as soon as I'm home, showered, and able to make it out.
When I noticed her regular e-mail, I replied to say I had written to her on POF:
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 11:57 -0800 (PST)
From: [my e-mail address]
To: [her e-mail address]
Subject: Check your POF mail!
Thank you. I just saw it.
[Her message was automatically quoted. The rest of our messages continued with that]
She had a nice idea about something to do for a date. She thought I might be concerned about sharing my phone number, but since I'm open for now it's no big deal.
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 12:17 -0800 (PST) [That's enough of the full e-mail headers.]
Are you an outdoors type? Would you like to meet [at a certain outdoor location] somewhere? (Of course we don't have to, but the weather is great).
(I understand the part about not sharing your phone number with strangers under your circumstances.. it might make it harder to meet though)
[Her first name]
I liked the outdoor activity idea, but meeting indoors still seemed like a good idea.
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 14:30 -0800 (PST)
[Detail about me], but with the wonderful weather that does sound nice. However, meeting at an outdoor location is troublesome unless landmarks are very obvious and we arrive close enough the same time that neither has to wait outside for long. (Outside and active is good. Outside waiting is uncomfortable, particularly since I will be fresh out of the shower when I leave home.) A coffee shop would be a good place to meet, I think. Then we could go to a nice outdoor activity.
You're right that phone is easier. I can give you my cell phone number, but I'd prefer to call from my wired line, which has caller-ID blocked.
[My cell number]. Don't call right away; I am going to take a shower as soon as I send this.
I wrote again after my shower:
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 15:06 -0800 (PST)
It's OK to call now, or I can call you if that works better for you.
She took a long time replying, and apologized. The long shower explanation didn't make much sense, but I assume she had other things to take care of too.
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 17:28 -0800 (PST)
Sorry, I took a shower too, and forgot to warn you that my showers are longer than yours! I'll call you in a while, hope it's not too late.
Was her call too late? Of course not. I'd wait all day for her to call. (And I figured it was time to change our e-mail subject line.)
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 17:40 -0800 (PST)
Subject: meeting
I was concerned that there might have been some miscommunication. Good to know that it was just a matter of timing. It would have been unfortunate if you had gone to my meeting-place suggestion and sat there all afternoon. I look forward to the call.
She's slow getting back to me. She asked me to pick a place and time to meet.
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 18:13 -0800 (PST)
Sorry, still trying to find my cell...
Anyway, while I am at it.. where and when are we meeting?
I still liked my original location proposal, but I offered another one consistent with her suggestion of going farther south.
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 18:44 -0800 (PST)
I don't think we decided a location. If you'd like to go ahead with the [original mall] location I suggested before (the Starbucks between [two landmarks]), that would be fine. Or since you suggested farther south, maybe the Tully's at [specific address] would work. From there we could discuss what else to do. Google Maps tells me that's 11 minutes from here to the Tully's, but with traffic I'd guess more like 20. Add 10 more because e-mail seems slow tonight, and any time after about 7:10 is OK. [original mall] is closer for me, and (I'm guessing) for you, but you said too close.
If you also have a land line, you could try phoning your cell to help find it.
A few minutes later, she phoned me. Her caller-ID was blocked. We discussed where to meet, and agreed on the coffee shop I had suggested. I repeated that I could be there as soon as 7:10 pm, but she suggested 7:45 instead. The extra time was actually good for me anyway, because I wasn't as ready to run out the door as I had thought.
I got there around 7:30, ordered some tea, and started reading the newspaper I had brought with me. (I wish I had brought reading material with me when I went to meet the "cute Tacoma blonde"!) As 8 pm approached, one of the coffee-shop people pointed out that they close at 8. I started wondering whether it would turn out to be an outdoor meeting after all, or another missed connection.
When the shop closed, I moved outside, putting the sections of the newspaper I wasn't reading onto a chair and keeping my hands warm with the tea. I watched cars that drove past, looking for the face I had seen in her profile pictures.
Finally, I saw the desired face in a car window. She saw me, and pulled into a parking place close to my car. I got up and approached her as she got out of her car. She had been very attractive in the pictures, but in person she was fantastic. She dressed well too, in a nice form-fitting suede coat and high heels that drew attention to her slender, muscular legs.
As we got to touching distance, she paused for a slight moment, as if deciding at the last moment whether to offer a handshake or a hug. She opened her arms for a hug. She seemed tentative; I felt a thrill at the touch. We didn't maintain the embrace for long.
She observed that I was waiting outside the coffee shop, which had closed, and commented that we were meeting outdoors anyway, even though that hadn't been the plan. We discussed where to go instead of the coffee shop, and I suggested a restaurant. There were a few near the coffee shop. The first didn't look very appealing. We peeked inside another one, but it was pretty busy, which she thought might not be ideal for conversation. We chose third, an inexpensive Chinese place.
Inside, we ordered. I paid; it was under $20. She's easy to please, I thought; I'd have been happy to treat her to a white tablecloth sort of place. We chose a spot that was far enough from others to be good for conversation. She took off her coat, showing that the heels were only part of the sexy look she brought to the date.
We talked about all sorts of things. We had an amazing variety of common interests. The conversation never paused for lack of something to say, and neither she nor I dominated the conversation. Even on topics that were much more her interest than mine she kept the conversation interesting.
At some point, she asked about my open arrangement with my wife. Although I had an explanation in my POF profile, she wanted more details. In particular, she wanted to know whose idea the arrangement was (mine), and how comfortable my wife was with it (initially hesitant, but curious). After some conversation on that topic, we went back to talking about common interests.
Her initial body language was just friendly and curious, but as we spent more time together I saw a shift in her attitude. It was sexual tension. Halfway through the dinner, the space between us was tense with unresolved sexual tension. I looked at her face, and I felt attraction both ways. Her top fit her slender torso closely, showed hints of her shoulders through lace, and left her beautiful arms bare. I wanted her, not just because she was so physically attractive, but also because she was so interesting to talk with. I could see that she wanted me too. It was clear from her body language, her eyes, and her tone of voice.
It wasn't just a mutual lust jackpot, it was lust with someone I'd want as a friend and intellectual company. If I were unattached (or in an always-open marriage), she'd be a great real-relationship partner.
Finally, the restaurant announced that closing time had arrived. We cleared our table and headed for the door.
As we were leaving, I asked her whether we should go somewhere private. I knew the answer already, but someone had to bring up the topic first.
But it turned out that I didn't know her answer. She said she needed time to think about it. I asked what she needed to think about; she replied that it was the open marriage situation. That was the only reason for a negative answer that made sense, given her obvious desire. But it still surprised me that her hesitation on that point outweighed her desire. She had clearly arrived at the date with an intellectual acceptance of open marriage, but apparently either part of her resisted the idea or she was concerned that my wife had not immediately approved the open arrangement idea.
She invited my comment, and I said something about understanding her need to wait. I forget what she said next, but I clearly remember my answer: "I find you very attractive." I said it in a tone that said attractive in every way. It was the only answer I had.
At that point, although I didn't realize it just then, I made a mistake. What I should have done was to ask to find a public place where we could spend more time together. Even if the sexual tension would have to wait until she made her decision, I still wanted to be with her, just enjoying her company. But I failed to think of that until later. Instead we just continued walking toward where we had both parked our cars.
Next to her car, she offered another hug. There was not a hint of the hesitation I felt in the greeting hug, just the sensation that she wanted to hold me, and my desire to hold her.
I moved my face to hers to kiss her. But the move surprised her, and she didn't raise her lips to kiss me back. Instead, my kiss landed on her cheek, and the lust in the embrace dissipated before we stepped apart. Maybe she had already decided "no" and just asked time to think about it as a gentle exit, but if she was still undecided the kiss had not helped.
I watched her get into her car, back out, and start driving away.
Rejection happens, but it had never come as such a complete surprise. It had been less than a day and a half since first contact. But already I wanted her, mind and body, and she wanted me. But she still said no.