Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Kevin's Blurty:

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
1:10 am	Whatever The title says it all. I don't even know anymore, I'm so lost in my own thoughts it's tearing me apart. Lately has been so trying on me, with all the things needed to get done, everyone to please, problems that keep popping up, I'm so sick of it all. I jsut want to leave for a few days where no one will find me or contact me. Just some time to myself where I can sit and figure my life out. It's getting like it was before, and that's never a good thing. I just want peace in my mind and my heart, things are so confusing for me right now I can't even explain if someone were to ask. All I know is I'm taking time for myself, as selfish as that may seem it needs to be done before something bad happens. I may do things that others won't like or approve of, going back to what relieved stress for me before, things I swore i wouldn't do anymore, but sacrifices need to be made to save myself from myself. If this upsets all of you then I can't do anything about that cause frankly this is my life and only I can fix.....only I care. There's so much more but so much I can't explain at the same time. Someday these demons will be gone, whether that's a good thing or not I haven't quite decided. I hope those of you that brought this on realize what happens when my mind begins to destroy itself. I've been there, I've seen the results, no one but me knows what's coming, and if I don't start making changes, it may not be far off. I'm living each day for what it's worth, going to try not to worry about the future anymore, I know it won't work, but one can try. If I start to act strange, or distant, or just generally cut off, I'm sorry, but like I said earlier, sacrifices need to be made, for my sake, for the sake of others. I know you don't understand, I don't expect you too, no one understands me and I've grown accustomed to that. Someday you will all know, but will you like what you see when you peer into my soul, or turn away in fear? Only I know the answers... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Silence, only silence (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
4:05 am	How's about this... This is another rant, so once again, if you don't like it, close your fucking eyes. I'd like to send out a statement to everyone out there. If you don't like me, my friends, who I'm dating, or anything like that, keep your fucking mouth shut. Guess what? This is my life and all you outside sources can't change that as much as you would like to. This goes out to a certain person, you should already know who you are, but I am writing this to make it clearer... I am sorry that our paths crossed. Never in my life have I met someone as petty, dramatic, and childish as you. You seem to think that the world and everyone in it are here to make your life as happy as possible. What you don't seem to realize is that it's not, and the only one that can change yourlife is you. I truly hope that you get a real shock to reality that you so desperately need. I hope your boyfriend finds out what you do when he's not around, I hope your friends realize how petty you are, and I hope you stop all your fucking lies. There is nothing I hate more than that, the lies you've made others believe to benefit yourself. You have no hopes, no ambitions, and no future at this point, for God's sake just be real. In case you haven't figured out who this person I'm talking about is, it's my ex-girlfriend Kelly Reed. Now the whole world knows, especially you, exactly how I feel so you can stop second-guessing it you coniving little bitch. ~GC Current Mood: predatory Current Music: Superhero - Stephen Lynch (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
6:50 am	Whatever I would like to send out a general apology at this time. I'm sorry to everyone, for everything and anything, that I have ever done in my entire life. I've realized that no matter what I do, I screw it all up somehow. I'm sorry for making your lives worse off than before I was in them. I hope that someday I can undo all that I've done in this world and virtually erase myself from it so that there is no record of my existence, for it's sure to bring only pain. I'd also like to send out a general warning to everyone out there as well. There are places that are mine and mine alone. Passwords, hiding places, and other forms of security are in place for a reason. In my life there are many things I hold personal to myself that will never see the light of day unless I choose it to be. I say this to all that read my journal, if ever you come across the opportunity to divulge into my personal life wtihout my knowing, take heed for I promise you that nothing good can come of it. This has been proven in the past and I won't hesitate to repeat it. ~GC Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
6:39 pm	The Infantryman's Creed I am the Infantry. I am my country's strength in war, her deterrent in peace. I am the heart of the fight- wherever, whenever. I carry America's faith and honor against her enemies. I am the Queen of Battle. I am what my country expects me to be- the best trained soldier in the world. In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win. Never will I fail my country's trust. Always I fight on- through the foe, to the objective, to triumph over all. If necessary, I fight to my death. By my steadfast courage, I have won 200 years of freedom. I yield not- to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, for I am mentally tough,physically strong, and morally straight. I forsake not- my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty. I am relentless. I am always there, now and forever. I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME! This is what I believe, if anyone ever wanted to know why I joined... (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
4:28 am	*car zooms by*....'mother of God' Anyway, I know the title has nothing to do with the journal entry, can anyone name the movie, but here it goes. Not a lot has been happening lately, I honestly have no idea when I last wrote though. I started my new job at the Post Office on monday nite, and let me just say I have no faith in the post office anymore, don't ever send anything through the post office, send it FedEx or something, trust me, you'll thank me later. Aside from that I've just been sleeping a lot, and then going to work. Sorry to anyone if I've been short with them, sounded pissy, or anything along those measures, with Thanksgiving, working, and this new job, I've been a real shithead and I apologize for that. Other than those two things though nothing has happened so I will write later. Nite all ~Kevin (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
3:39 am	Just an update on my 1-Nov posting "Y'all steady tryin' to drown a shark ain't gon do nothign but piss me off lid to the can of whoop-ass just twist me off see me leap out pull my piece out fuck shootin' I'm just tryin to knock his teeth out" Just another warning to a certain person, better learn from my original post, if it happens again it's only a matter of time before I'm close to you, close enough to strike... ~GC (Comment on this)
3:35 am	YAY Figured I would update since I haven't in a while, not a lot has been going on since my last entry. I've been working a lot at the Brewery, it's a fun job, seeing as I do everything except cook, wiat, and bartend. Other than that not a whole lot has been going on, just trying to figure things out for next semester. Aside from that just been hanging around, seeing friends and all that jazz. Had my party last weekend, that was fun seeing everyone again. A few blackmail pictures were taken, a lot of semi-drunken laughs, and a pretty good day on sunday too. Other than all that it's been pretty boring, I'll update more later...nite all ~Kevin Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: Family Guy in the background (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
2:03 am	Quite an interesting turn of events Once again there are some out there that still don't take heed of my words. Though unknowing, they defy what I say, and mock me at every turn. Some things have transgressed as of late that has taken me back to a certain part of me. A part which I hide away, a part that I don't like to show to the world. These events have launched me into this wave of feelings, possibly into a whole nother level. There is much I want to do, wnat to say, want to let out. Once again, though, I will repress until given the word. I can't promise that I will be able to repress for long this time, and I can't predict what will happen when I am given the word to show that part of me. All that I know at this point is that in some fashion, this will stop. There willl be no more random events, no more long, drawn out sessions of this. What happened in the past will stay there, I'll make sure of that. If these do not stop nothing short of the hand of God will stop myself from getting my point across. I pray that I cna keep myself in control this time. Pray that those I love don't see the dark part of me that I hide away. I pray that those who have wronged me this time see that there is no mercy through my eyes... ~GC (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
5:57 pm	Whatever So yeah, haven't written in a while so I decided to update for once. I've been down in Louisiana since the 5th of September. Didn't do all that much, passed out food and water the entire time we were down there. I can't really say all that much else about it, that's all we did everyday. The weather was horrible, hot and sticky everyday, usually around 100 degrees. Aside from that not a lot really happened. Lived through Hurricane Rita, not bad, I don't see what all the fuss is about with these hurricanes, it wasn't that bad. Anyways, got back on the 6th of October, sitting around doing nothing at drill when I get a call form my dad, my buddy was killed in Iraq earlier that morning. Anyways, not a lot has been happening since then, just working, getting things situated at college, other odds and ends. I'll write here again soon, probably not for a few days though cause I work, plus the viewings and the funeral. ~Kevin RIP Lance Cpl. Patrick Kenny 6-Oct-05 "The deadliest weapon in the world is a MARINE and his rifle!" - General Pershing, U.S. Army Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
3:20 pm	Goodbye Hey everyone, I won't be online or be ablet ot alk to a lot of you in the next few weeks. My unit was activated to go down to Louisiana to help out with the hurricane relief so I will be back sometime around the beginning of October. I will visit allof you when I get back. Bye everyone. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: CNN in the background (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
8:25 pm	Truth Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her." ~Kevin (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
2:51 am	People fucking suck Anyway, once again, I'm back, ranting as usual, don't liek it, close your fucking eyes. I'm sick of all of you, you people who bitch and whine about their petty problems, that, in the end, don't matter worth a shit. Bitching about how you look what you wear, what people think of you, just sit down and shut the fuck up. All you fake people out there who do things just to please other people, you'r are seriously fucking retarded. Stand up and live your own life for once and don't be something fake. One more thing, for anyone out there, mostly liberals, who criticize any soldiers for any actions they are doing, you need to spend a day in their shoes for a while. 150 degrees in teh day, 60 degrees at nite, far from home, your best friend an M16, wondering if you are going to make it back to camp alive or not. Think about that for a minute then if you still want to talk shit you can take a nice trip to my National Guard unit and I've got about 45 people that will kick the shit out of you. One last thing, people who are going ot leave comments about me being fake, not showing my real self, you don't want to know the real me, no one does and don't say you don't. You want a hint as to the real me, I was sitting with a friend the other day, tlaking about Iraq and how things work over there, telling her that if a car goes through a checkpoint the soldiers stop that car by any means possible. Wel she posed the question, what if there were swomen or children in teh car, I told her I wouldn't hesitate for a second to fire an entire magazine of rounds into the car if it would save the lives of my buddies. Still wnat to know the real me, I think not. Fuck off ~JB Current Mood: predatory Current Music: Sober - Tool (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
3:49 am	HOORAY Well, looks as if my own journal isn't a haven for me anymore. Thoguh I deleted them, as mindless as they were, once again people left comments. No biggie, I put myself out there, my fault right? Of course it is. Anyways, moving on. I'd just like to say that anyone who thinks they know 'the truth' or even know me, please talk to me, I'd like to know what this 'truth' is, and who I am, obviously, as the X-files put it, 'the truth is out there' and a lot of people are just waiting for it to come out. Well here it is for anyone that cares to know, or doesn't care, or is just reading this for no reason at all... I've cheated in the past, I'll admit to that as regrettably as anyone out there, but I do admit to it. Not my shining moment, but honestly, you don't know the situations, nor do you know the thought process at that time. I'm not justifying it by any menas, but please, before you attack, inform yourself. Though I've cheated in the past, I've changed, looked back at my life, realized tha'ts not who I want to be. It started with my last girlfriend and ended there as well. I'm sure someone will comment that a person like me cannot possibly change after being so horrible, well, think what you want, you derive your opinion of me form outside sources so if you want to actually talk to me, I welcome it. Aside from that, if you are going to comment, at least leave your name in the comment. I put myself out here, you all know who I am, if you don't read my first entry, it's all there. So back to what I was saying, I'm out here primed for ridicule, and you choose to hide behind a computer screen. I won't patronize to you, but most people that comment on my journal usually have something nasty to say, at least when I say things like that I take accountability for them. Sure, I'm an asshole, but don't say I didn't warn you, no one can make that claim. Well, I did have something else to say, but I seem to have forgotten what it was, all I have to close with is, don't be hipocritical. I know what I've done, and contrary to what many believe, I know what a lot of people who know me and comment on my journal have done. If you are going to accuse me of something horrible that I do, just take a look and make sure you haven't done the same thing. ~JB Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Silence (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:37 am	Bleeeeh It's been a while since I last wrote so I decided to update. Not to much has been going on really, working a lot, doing stuf at my unit, hanging out as much as I can before college starts. Went to Warped Tour this year, took four years to get there but I made it. It was great, saw Thrice, went into the pit, got punched in the face, what else of course. Not too much aside from that though. Hopefully I can write more oftne than I have been in the future. Nite all. ~Kevin Current Mood: content Current Music: Silence (Comment on this)
Monday, July 25th, 2005
1:33 am	Wisdom at it's best "I can't trust anyone, witness and see it in my eyes" ~Avenged Sevenfold (Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
12:54 am	My story So this next entry is my own little rant. I don't rant often, but when I do I think it deserves a little of your time to read. I'm sick of pretty much anything anymore. I can't really say why, it's just in me, part of me, something that won't let me stay happy for any extended period of time. Who knows. Most of all I'm sick of all you 'Holier than thou' fuckers. Sit down and just shut the hell up. No one needs to deal with your God-damned ego so just take it outside until you can communicate on a level that is worth the respect of myself and others around me. Another thing is all you people who lose your mind about the pettiest things. Shut the hell up, no one needs any added shit in their life, least of all from your stupid little problems. Someday you willa ll realize that life sucks so just accept that as a fact and move on with your life. There's nothing better than the years you are living now so don't waste them bitching about anything and everything. One last thing, I want to just send a big GO FUCK YOURSELF out to all you people who claim that your life is 'too hard' or 'too busy' to deal with anything. How about you live a day in my life for a chance and see how simple your life is after a while. Need a little insight to my life well here you go. I work a full-time job, a second full-time job because of my position in the Nat'l Gaurd, go to my drill weekends, work around my house, and still manage to find time for my friends while running on as little sleep as a human can function on so all I have to say is just sit your ass down, I don't want to hear you bitch, everyone else doesn't want to hear it, so keeping your mouth shut would be an exponential increase in intelligence for you. One more thing, I know I said the one before this was last, well things change, deal. This is a special rant directed at none other than Kristen Shuttleworth. Does anyone know her? If you do I'm deeply sorry for you and your psychiatric bills in the future. Anyways, she really needs to jump down off her high fuckin horse and realize that the world DOES NOT.....I repeat.....DOES NOT revolve around her and the idea that she needs to be constantly happy. You need to start making sacrifices in your life for those around you instead of expecting them to wiat to your every need. There is nothing worse than someone like you. YOu're decpetive, manipulating, egotistical, self-indulged, whiny, and a flat out bitch. Someday you will get your justice and when that happens you will look around and realize the mistakes you've made in your life. As an editor's note, please do not leave any shitty comments about how I'm not perfect so I shouldn't judge, well fuck you, I above many others, reserve the right to let out my aggression every once in a while so before you start leaving things like that just step back, puck yourself in the kidney, and don't type anything. ~JB Current Mood: predatory Current Music: George Carlin (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:41 am	What a fucking day Today just plain sucked. Everything about it sucked. Work was horrible becauseI got bitched at all day for God knows what. Then I got a call from my unit, shit's going down there and I have to do some major damage control tomorrow. I came home and took two muscle relaxers, I honestly just wanted to be numb for a while. Started playing Red Faction 2, killin' stuff is usually good. Hung around for a while after that, fell asleep, was late to my meeting....of course, what else could go wrong. Anyways, went to the cages for a bit, played a few games and then back home to just relax, or try to at least. Not much else going on really, just going to be working a lot, getting ready for college, things of that nature. Nite all Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Something to Change - Pennywise (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
1:45 am	*Insert title here* It's been a while, once again, since I wrote. Life's been busy, as usual, working a lot, figuring out whther I was staying back form training, obviously I did, and all that jazz. Not too much has happened lately though surprisingly. I went up to Kara's cabin for my b-day, spent it with some good friends. Came home and spent some time with Tory and the family. Worked a few days this week just getting everything cleaned for the inspection at work on tuesday. Aside from that I haven't really done much, well, aside from thinking, which is never good. Anyways though, we won't get into that, there isn't enough lifetimes for that conversation. All in all, pretty boring lately, hopefully the rest of july will be a little more ventful. Nite all. ~Kevin Current Mood: complacent Current Music: 'The Chronicles of Riddick" playing in the background (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
6:27 pm	Straight from Nick Kruk So today, at the end of the shift, Nick and I are standing in Panera and I am bithcing about how close the shift is to being over and he busts this out... "I just look forward to that cigarette at the end of work, I just think to myself 'Mmmmmmmmmm....Cancer'" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
12:18 am	HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BOKAAAAAAANNNNNNNN So it's been two weeks since my last entry, I think it's time to update a bit. I've been working a lot, five days a week. When I'mnot working I am either doing stuff for church, coaching the church softball team, playing on my own softball team, doing extra stuff for recruiting, or just normal drill. Somwhere in all of that I try to find time to fit in my friends which doesn't work to well all the time. I really have been neglecting a few friends lately and I relly am sorry. It seems whenever I get a free moment I end up passing out at home and don't gave enough tiem for anyone. This week I really am going ot try though, I've got a little extra time on my hands so I will take advantage of it while it's there, especially with one of my closest friends moving away. I don't want to look back and say to myself 'I should have spent more time with her', she really means a lot to me, she knows more about me than alomst everyone, shared more than all of my firneds, and always been there. Good luck in everythign you do. Alex is in Europe until the 27th with her mom. I miss her, pretty much everyday. Some say I have changed since we've gotten together, I think for the better, though there is one thing I haven't changed about my life that I'm quite ashamed of. She really does improve my life, I'm a better person when I'm with her and I know I can change that last part of my life if I really try, I just need a little help. As usual though I've got a plan, and of course, it won't work, becuase it's my plan. Anyways, I'm going to try, as hard as I can, and I hope it works out. I hate to dissapoint her and I know I do with this. I just love her too much to let this become and issue. Aside form that I've just been doing alot with my unit lately. Mt LT is a cool guy, learned a couple things about him last drill weekend..."You want some pancakes...bithches". Anyways, leaveing that to Bruce, teh LT, and myself, just listening to the rumors floating around the unit as of late. Supposedly we are supposed to get our Strykers next year, drill with them for a year, then do intense training in 2007 with them. Intense training to most means all day everyday, the problem with the Army is they decide that all day everyday means you are spending your days in another country. So far it's rumored to be Kosovo in 2007, better than Iraq but still a long way from where I want to be. Other than all that I've just been waiting for college to start in the fall, I really can't wait. I get to live on my own, sort of, spend time with Spudic, Prady, Cait, and of course my baby, and hopefully start to get promoted at Panera. The way the path is looking I might be an Assistant Manager if I play my cards right over the next year or two. Anyways, it's late, I need sleep for work tomorrow, and I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about my pointless life. Nite all. ~Kevin *The time apart is what reminds me why I love her. The little things that aren't there remind me why I need to do more. Most importantly it's the bad days and thoughts that haven't been around since we've met that remind me she's everythign and more than I could ever ask for.* Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Eleanor Rigby - Thrice (Comment on this)