"There's something cold and blank, behind her smile..."   
08:26pm 17/09/2003
 
mood: frustrated
music: Coma White- Marilyn Manson
Fuck this, Fuck liking people.
Nothing good ever comes from anything..
I try to help myself, I go get help
All it does is push the hatred away
The pain, the suffering
I still fucking bleed
I still fucking cry
I've changed, she says
fucking CHANGED
It's supposed to be for the good too
What good comes from this change?
I can't think, I'm not me, I'm drugged
I can't breathe, pain surrounds
I exhale it, I inhale it
I want to die
Why can't they see me
They connect
I'm pushed aside, I'm always to the side
I'll never be anything to anyone
I wait
for a fucking CLUE
I wait so fucking long
I bleed, I laugh, I smile
I fucking bleed
He'll never see
He'll NEVER fucking open his eyes
He'll never see me
He'll never know me
 
     Post
 
   
04:05pm 31/08/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: Skrying- Mudvayne
I sit
And pull at my hair
In hopes
Of tears
I sob
I shiver
Razor sits at showers edge
It calls
It yells for me
I can’t breathe
Suffocating in self-pity
I want it
I hate it
He won’t ring
I won’t ring him either
For him
Reality is distorted
Flash, flash, and flash
It’s funny
It’s hilarious
All is fucking hilarious
Can he even think?
Can he even see?
I hate him
I need him
I can’t speak to him
Please
Just see me
JUST FUCKING SEE
Hair in my eyes
Eyeliner smudged
Tears are none
He’ll never see
He can never see
Straight
He is never
He is NEVER
Straight
Love fucking love
 
     Post
 
cut.   
06:33pm 25/08/2003
 
mood: numb
music: This is the new shit- Marilyn Manson
do not hurt
the ones you can't feel
do the most damage

cut.

you're not worth it.
you're worth it.
you're not

cut.

you hurt.
they hurt.
you hurt more.

cut.

feel it, cry
feel it, laugh
feel it, feel

cut.

show them
hate them
show them how.

cut.

bleed for them
bleed for him
bleed for you

bleed for you
bleed for you

cut.
 
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Broken Words   
07:10pm 21/08/2003
 
mood: gloomy
music: Broken Words- Finger Eleven
"Broken Words"

Your sweet little hands
Brush right past me
Sometimes you don't understand
Why you can't reach
I bite when I don't want to bend
How silent I can be
So she is silent too
She's the one who saw my words
Broken, Torn at the seams
And broken words were all she heard
Now she's walking away from me
Some never meant
And some meant well
The difference between us is so
Hard to tell
I was so shaken but now
All I see
Is everything she meant to me
---
Stuff is okay I guess, things are kinda falling apart again, but you get a bit of that.. Jay is seeming really depressed and I'm starting to really worry about him again. =(
Danny and Bridie are going out now.. I'm not really sure how Danny feels about it, I know he's a little uncomfortable around Emma though, he's been acting kinda strange...
Lil Man knows about Emma liking him, and he said "just FRIENDS" So Emma's a little broken hearted, and kinda snappy at me too. But oh well.
Us going to the Manson concert it off, I was really looking forward to that, there'll be other times..
 
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DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE   
08:19pm 15/08/2003
 
mood: restless
music: ME INSIDE- SLIPKNOT
ME INSIDE

Giving in to what has got me
Feeling claustrophobic, scarred
Severed me from all emotion
Life is just too fucking hard
SNAP! Your face was all it took
Cuz this need ain't doin' me no good
Fall on my face, but can't you see?
This fucking life is killing me!

Tearing me / Inside

Too far gone, I'm catatonic
Leaving you to criticize
Empty shell and running naked
All alone... lobotomized
Back and forth between my hang-ups
It isn't easy to be hated
Where do ya go? Whaddya do?
Simpleton, impromptu, crazy eight
I never cared, not once
Gotta get away!

Tearing me / Inside

I wasn't promised a thing
You keep mocking me
But you will never again
Before you know - after you're gone


Gone

Somos feos apestamos y pero reinamos hoto muthafucka
 
     Post
 
Personality Quiz at emode.com   
02:14am 13/08/2003
 
mood: cheerful
music: Stitches- Orgy
The Ultimate Personality Test

Trista, you're a Lethal Weapon!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Lethal Weapon which means you are a Seeker / Thinker. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics.

That means you're open-minded, enthusiastic, and popular. Chances are you might even break the rules sometimes. You're motivated and serious, and you always jump at the chance to take on a new project. Innovation and abstract thinking are your strengths.

How do we know all this? How do we know you get cabin fever if you're cooped up too long? Or that sometimes you'd rather just work on an independent project so you can concentrate without having to deal with people? How could we have divined that you secretly question your self-worth?

Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Lethal Weapon.

And that's just scratching the surface.

---
It's not completely accurate, but oh well =|
 
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QUIZZES   
01:58am 13/08/2003
 
mood: amused
music: Do you feel the same- Silverchair
I'm gonna put all the quizzes I just took in the one post to make it extremely annoying ^.^ WATCH ME GO!
I hate you so bad
you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You Are Loss
You are Loss.

Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced
great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it
has jaded your view of life.


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You represent... angst.
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hell
Your soul came from the Bowels of HELL! You're a
demon preying on the mortals of Earth. BACK TO
HELL WITH YOU!


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
HASH(0x8703660)
avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
DONE.
 
     Post
 
Stuff.   
01:02am 13/08/2003
 
mood: awake
music: between angels and insects-papa roach
Stuff's going a little better now..
Not really but anyway...
things have changed a little.

Emma now likes Lil man. (Our friend Michael)
Danny didn't go out with bridie (a girl that dumped her bf, to be with him) because he likes Emma, which I've already stated, but I thought it was mean he lead Bridie on and then turned her down.
and I found out.. the whole time Daniel Still liked Emma, but he didn't want to tell me!
So he finally decided to tell me.. A week after Emma asks me whether she should talk to him or not!
I told her she could if she wanted, there's just stuff that would be holding him back (because Daniel liked Stacey.. or atleast Daniel SAID he liked Stacey) and now Daniel is depressed again, because Emma doesn't like him (anymore) So I kinda caused that whole thing. If I hadn't of talked Emma out of it (Cuz I was worried she'd get hurt) Em and Daniel would probably be back together again.
(Off the subject, but Emma is sad about being lonely when BOTH her ex's are chasing her, one of her best friends like her, a guy online is IN LOVE with her (one who's moving up, also) and the person she likes hits on her.. and when we all slept over Dannys he (Lil man) had his arm around her the whole time they were sleeping)
From now on I am just gonna let people do what they want without any advice from me.
That's so much easier. And then I won't have to deal with all this guilt!

I am shaping up abit when it comes to school work. And not smoking as often (I'm a binge-stoner!)&(that's mainly cuz my mum yells at me when me and my friends get stoned. She comes in and is like "CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES!" and we are like"nah man.. 'swaytoofar, man.. 'swaytoofar.") So my lifes slowly getting better. Well, I am being good.. Life sucks but atleast I'm being good? I dunno. I thought I might take responsibility for my actions so it'd make me feel a lil better about myself but it hasn't worked so far.. I'm hoping it will soon. I'm going to get a job soon.
so:
1- I can save up heaps of money for when Jay comes (HI JAY!) and we can go EVERYWHERE
2- To buy a video camera so I can record my teenage years with my friends!
3- For the hell of getting a job? AND CDS!!
I just don't know where I should work. I want to go somewhere that will let me get my eyebrow done after I've worked there a while..
And somewhere that lets me have my hair dyed (and streaked)
And somewhere that's FUN!
I thought about a music store but the only one in Coolum is family owned and the one in Maroochydore is WAY TOO FAR and I'd have to catch a bus there, alone, at night. A public bus.. that's kinda (REALLY) freaky.

So I thought video store.. But EVERYONE must apply for a job in the video stores.. cuz there are only 2! And I doubt I'd get many shifts.. plus my grades aren't exactly outstanding, so it's not like they'd pick me out of a large number or applicants.
Anyway.. I better go before I fall asleep then drool on the keyboard and get electrocuted!
NIGHT!
 
     Post
 
SO FRUSTRATING   
06:03pm 06/08/2003
 
mood: blank
music: Jumpdafuckup- Soulfly & #8
DAMMIT!
There is a HUGE problem I really have nothing to do with but I'm in the middle of it all!
My friend Danny likes my best friend Emma,
But Emma likes my friend Daniel,
But Daniel likes my friend Stacey,
And none of them know about eachother..
And they are pretty much all asking me for advice on what they should do!
I am like "OH MY FUCKING GOD! I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM/HER ABOUT IT! THIS IS ALL FUCKED UP!" and they are like "Settle down, you psycho.."
and now Emma is angry at me for not telling her..
But I have promised everyone I wouldn't say anything..
I am going to just sit here and WATCH what happens.. and not tell anyone anything! YEAH!
*falls asleep* -.-ZzZzZz
 
     Post
 
Sickness ^.^   
03:06pm 29/07/2003
 
mood: hungry
music: Slept So Long- Jay Gordon of Orgy
I am so glad my sickness is nearly gone. I thought I was going to die, lol. x.x

"I see hell in your eyes
taken in by suprise
touching you make me feel alive
touching you makes me die inside
..I've slept so long without you
it's tearing me apart too
how'd it get this far?
playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
but I couldn't kill you!
I've slept so long without you!"

I LOVE this song =X=X=X=X

I am getting fed up with my angel cards.. The card "SOULMATE" keeps jumping out at me.. it's becoming irritating. I have no idea who it's talking about.
Also.. "trips and long journeys" keeps appearing when Emma does my Tarot cards.
Lol.. on the card SOULMATE it has two little angels kissing.. I remember when I showed it to Daniel he was like "OMG! that's sick! They are KIDS! There's head-tiltage and everything!" He was so appauled..

Emma is becoming more and more irritated towards me smoking.. It's like my only escape though.
She's on my back about my future.. that makes like 28742748274 people now. My parents reckon there's no pressure on me.. then when I have 1 day off for illness or get a C+ on a paper or something they FLIP out. "You're never going to amount to anything." I'm sick of hearing it all, who says I want to amount to anything? I mean.. why waste your whole life doing work to prepare for the future when your life could end at any moment? I just want to have fun while I exist.

I am confusing myself so much with everything. My brain is going to melt and turn green in a matter of days.
I get so lonely when I watch movies or read books with love and all that shit in 'em.. but when it comes to getting close to someone I freak out and just want to be alone. I am not sure what my problem is.. But I guess I feel threatened in some way when I'm in a relationship.. like I'm not me anymore. It's pure stupidity but oh well.. I'm doomed to a life of eternal lonliness.
 
     Post
 
=|   
07:02pm 27/07/2003
 
mood: bored
music: bored- Deftones
SO BORED

I get sushi tomorrow though I will explode long before then.

^.^ YAY, I'm happy again. I dunno why I have these bouts of depression.. it's odd.

*ponders on the thought*

Sushi will make it all go away v.v lol. Ok, I confess I am an addict, but there is worse things I could be addicted to, right? OF COURSE! =P
 
     Post
 
So irritated   
04:56pm 27/07/2003
 
mood: suicidal
music: Rearranged- Limp Bizkit
I need to curl up and die. ^.^
Nah, I'm just messed up a bit..
Little things remind me of shit from my past. It's just stupid.

"You make believe.. that nothing is wrong until you're crying. Crying on me. You make believe that life is too long until you're dying. dying on me!"

People keep telling me I need help I can't get help! GRR.
 
     Post
 
SUSHI   
01:50pm 27/07/2003
 
mood: curious
music: World So Cold- Mudvayne
"Keep your thorns, cuz I'm running away!
Away from the games, away from the space
The circumstances of a world so cold"
I love this song =X It's probably my favourite ^.^

OH and this part!
"I need to find.. a darkened corner.. a lightless corner..
Where it's safer and calmer.."

I still feel like shit but I can breathe now ^.^ And I wish my mum would hurry up and get home so we can go shopping..or so they can go shopping and bring me home SUSHI!! ^.^
 
     Post
 
   
09:56am 27/07/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: Sugar- System Of A Down
Ok, OMG. I made an arse of myself last night but fuck it was fun!
Hum, I have a bit of a stoneover (What my friends call feeling the effects of pot the morning after you've smoked) but nothing much.

I got up.. played Morrowind for like half an hour.. then ate a sammich and now I'm online. Waiting to see if Jay is gonna come online cuz I miss him ^.^ I doubt he is though.. there it's like 7pm >.>

*misses Jay* v.v I am pathetic. lol.

Mum is bugging me to hang out the washing but I don't intend on doing it..
We are going shopping soon! Hopefully at Maroochydore cuz I feel like SUSHI.. but most probably at BI-LO cuz my mums a tightarse. lol..

Sushi.. sushi.. sushi! *drools*
 
     Post
 
   
06:43pm 26/07/2003
 
mood: high
music: None, Kazaa is a motherfucker!
Ever been high and been on the internet? Man, it is so FUCKING trippy.
The computer looks like some form of bird <.<
>.> And all the buttoms are little washing machines. With faces. EVIL faces!

Jay "eeeped" at my entry to this journal. HI JAY! *waves*

-.o I'm gonna be laughing at this tomorrow.
 
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Chocolate Cake. o.o   
04:51pm 26/07/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: Pantomime- Orgy
I feel sick because all I have eaten all day is a slice of chocolate cake and a gobstopper.
I am dying for a cone.. or atleast a J! come on people!

"This feels like a real life fantasy, it feels like you! Be a good girl like you're supposed to.."

I NEED this CD. If only Coolum had more than 1 CD store! Or if I could go shopping.. and buy sushi! omg! *drools*

Well I didn't end up sleeping over Dannys and having a grill up/horror movie night/ munch out with Danny and Daniel v.v Instead I sat at home BY MYSELF and watched Ghost Ship. It was alright.. but only because of the completely gory parts.

Then today me and Emma watched it again.. and a preview on the end of the tape was for a movie called "THEY". It intrigued me and Emma so we went and got it. Then we watched it. It was great.. well I think so anyways..

Parts of today were kinda spooky, yet cool! Like.. when we were walking to the shop Emma said "I'd laugh if Daniel and Danny rode up and saw us walking to IGA when we are both supposed to be sick" and they DID.
Then While we were watching the movie she said "If I were this guy, I'd just kill myself" 2 seconds later he DID.
Then when some guy was searching this chicks body for a mark I said "It's in my hair! IT'S IN MY HAIR" and then at the end of the movie we found out it WAS in her hair.

=D It was cool.
 
     Post
 
tokin'!   
04:46pm 25/07/2003
 
mood: bitchy
music: Death Blooms- Mudvayne
I hate people. -.-

SLEEPOVER TONIGHT AT DANNYS! Tokin' up with my bestest buddies Danny and Daniel.. I wish Emma would come too though v.v Oh well! =P
 
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06:12pm 24/07/2003
 
mood: drained
music: Nothing, my kazaa is a fuck.
I have a sore neck and a craving to listen to Cannibal Corpse! do di do ^.^
I have edited my pic on here like 8 times.. now that it's SMALL ENOUGH everythings ok =D
=P Hi Jay *waves*
 
     Post
 
   
05:04pm 24/07/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: Bring me to life- Evanescence
I'm so tired that I'm seeing things. I smoked too much weed. I had to spend a whole double of science sitting next to my ex boyfriend.. What a great day =|

I LOVE JAY!

^.^ *copies*

I am getting a headache and I plan to sleep when I get off the internet.. which will be soon because my little sister is bugging me to get on! UGH I wish I was an only child =|
 
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