| "There's something cold and blank, behind her smile..." | ||||
| 08:26pm 17/09/2003 | ||||
Nothing good ever comes from anything.. I try to help myself, I go get help All it does is push the hatred away The pain, the suffering I still fucking bleed I still fucking cry I've changed, she says fucking CHANGED It's supposed to be for the good too What good comes from this change? I can't think, I'm not me, I'm drugged I can't breathe, pain surrounds I exhale it, I inhale it I want to die Why can't they see me They connect I'm pushed aside, I'm always to the side I'll never be anything to anyone I wait for a fucking CLUE I wait so fucking long I bleed, I laugh, I smile I fucking bleed He'll never see He'll NEVER fucking open his eyes He'll never see me He'll never know me |
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frustrated| 04:05pm 31/08/2003 | ||||
And pull at my hair In hopes Of tears I sob I shiver Razor sits at showers edge It calls It yells for me I can’t breathe Suffocating in self-pity I want it I hate it He won’t ring I won’t ring him either For him Reality is distorted Flash, flash, and flash It’s funny It’s hilarious All is fucking hilarious Can he even think? Can he even see? I hate him I need him I can’t speak to him Please Just see me JUST FUCKING SEE Hair in my eyes Eyeliner smudged Tears are none He’ll never see He can never see Straight He is never He is NEVER Straight Love fucking love |
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crushed| cut. | ||||
| 06:33pm 25/08/2003 | ||||
the ones you can't feel do the most damage cut. you're not worth it. you're worth it. you're not cut. you hurt. they hurt. you hurt more. cut. feel it, cry feel it, laugh feel it, feel cut. show them hate them show them how. cut. bleed for them bleed for him bleed for you bleed for you bleed for you cut. |
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numb| Broken Words | ||||
| 07:10pm 21/08/2003 | ||||
Your sweet little hands Brush right past me Sometimes you don't understand Why you can't reach I bite when I don't want to bend How silent I can be So she is silent too She's the one who saw my words And broken words were all she heard Now she's walking away from me Some never meant And some meant well The difference between us is so Hard to tell I was so shaken but now All I see --- Stuff is okay I guess, things are kinda falling apart again, but you get a bit of that.. Jay is seeming really depressed and I'm starting to really worry about him again. =( Danny and Bridie are going out now.. I'm not really sure how Danny feels about it, I know he's a little uncomfortable around Emma though, he's been acting kinda strange... Lil Man knows about Emma liking him, and he said "just FRIENDS" So Emma's a little broken hearted, and kinda snappy at me too. But oh well. Us going to the Manson concert it off, I was really looking forward to that, there'll be other times.. |
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gloomy| DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE | ||||
| 08:19pm 15/08/2003 | ||||
Giving in to what has got me Feeling claustrophobic, scarred Severed me from all emotion SNAP! Your face was all it took Cuz this need ain't doin' me no good Fall on my face, but can't you see? This fucking life is killing me! Tearing me / Inside Too far gone, I'm catatonic Leaving you to criticize Empty shell and running naked All alone... lobotomized Back and forth between my hang-ups It isn't easy to be hated Where do ya go? Whaddya do? Simpleton, impromptu, crazy eight I never cared, not once Gotta get away! Tearing me / Inside I wasn't promised a thing You keep mocking me But you will never again Before you know - after you're gone Gone Somos feos apestamos y pero reinamos hoto muthafucka |
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restless| Personality Quiz at emode.com | ||||
| 02:14am 13/08/2003 | ||||
Trista, you're a Lethal Weapon! Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Lethal Weapon which means you are a Seeker / Thinker. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics. That means you're open-minded, enthusiastic, and popular. Chances are you might even break the rules sometimes. You're motivated and serious, and you always jump at the chance to take on a new project. Innovation and abstract thinking are your strengths. How do we know all this? How do we know you get cabin fever if you're cooped up too long? Or that sometimes you'd rather just work on an independent project so you can concentrate without having to deal with people? How could we have divined that you secretly question your self-worth? Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Lethal Weapon. And that's just scratching the surface. --- It's not completely accurate, but oh well =| |
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cheerful| QUIZZES | ||||
| 01:58am 13/08/2003 | ||||
 you are the "I hate you so bad" happy bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your not ashamed of it. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Loss. Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it has jaded your view of life. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You represent... angst. You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about everything. It's okay to sulk and be depressed, but life is short, and you only get one. It's only what you make it, and only you can make it improve. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla  Your soul came from the Bowels of HELL! You're a demon preying on the mortals of Earth. BACK TO HELL WITH YOU! Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla  avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla DONE. |
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amused| Stuff. | ||||
| 01:02am 13/08/2003 | ||||
Not really but anyway... things have changed a little. Emma now likes Lil man. (Our friend Michael) Danny didn't go out with bridie (a girl that dumped her bf, to be with him) because he likes Emma, which I've already stated, but I thought it was mean he lead Bridie on and then turned her down. and I found out.. the whole time Daniel Still liked Emma, but he didn't want to tell me! So he finally decided to tell me.. A week after Emma asks me whether she should talk to him or not! I told her she could if she wanted, there's just stuff that would be holding him back (because Daniel liked Stacey.. or atleast Daniel SAID he liked Stacey) and now Daniel is depressed again, because Emma doesn't like him (anymore) So I kinda caused that whole thing. If I hadn't of talked Emma out of it (Cuz I was worried she'd get hurt) Em and Daniel would probably be back together again. (Off the subject, but Emma is sad about being lonely when BOTH her ex's are chasing her, one of her best friends like her, a guy online is IN LOVE with her (one who's moving up, also) and the person she likes hits on her.. and when we all slept over Dannys he (Lil man) had his arm around her the whole time they were sleeping) From now on I am just gonna let people do what they want without any advice from me. That's so much easier. And then I won't have to deal with all this guilt! I am shaping up abit when it comes to school work. And not smoking as often (I'm a binge-stoner!)&(that's mainly cuz my mum yells at me when me and my friends get stoned. She comes in and is like "CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES!" and we are like"nah man.. 'swaytoofar, man.. 'swaytoofar.") So my lifes slowly getting better. Well, I am being good.. Life sucks but atleast I'm being good? I dunno. I thought I might take responsibility for my actions so it'd make me feel a lil better about myself but it hasn't worked so far.. I'm hoping it will soon. I'm going to get a job soon. so: 1- I can save up heaps of money for when Jay comes (HI JAY!) and we can go EVERYWHERE 2- To buy a video camera so I can record my teenage years with my friends! 3- For the hell of getting a job? AND CDS!! I just don't know where I should work. I want to go somewhere that will let me get my eyebrow done after I've worked there a while.. And somewhere that lets me have my hair dyed (and streaked) And somewhere that's FUN! I thought about a music store but the only one in Coolum is family owned and the one in Maroochydore is WAY TOO FAR and I'd have to catch a bus there, alone, at night. A public bus.. that's kinda (REALLY) freaky. So I thought video store.. But EVERYONE must apply for a job in the video stores.. cuz there are only 2! And I doubt I'd get many shifts.. plus my grades aren't exactly outstanding, so it's not like they'd pick me out of a large number or applicants. Anyway.. I better go before I fall asleep then drool on the keyboard and get electrocuted! NIGHT! |
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awake| SO FRUSTRATING | ||||
| 06:03pm 06/08/2003 | ||||
There is a HUGE problem I really have nothing to do with but I'm in the middle of it all! My friend Danny likes my best friend Emma, But Emma likes my friend Daniel, But Daniel likes my friend Stacey, And none of them know about eachother.. And they are pretty much all asking me for advice on what they should do! I am like "OH MY FUCKING GOD! I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM/HER ABOUT IT! THIS IS ALL FUCKED UP!" and they are like "Settle down, you psycho.." and now Emma is angry at me for not telling her.. But I have promised everyone I wouldn't say anything.. I am going to just sit here and WATCH what happens.. and not tell anyone anything! YEAH! *falls asleep* -.-ZzZzZz |
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| Sickness ^.^ | ||||
| 03:06pm 29/07/2003 | ||||
"I see taken in by suprise touching you make me feel alive touching you makes me die inside ..I've slept so long without you it's tearing me apart too how'd it get this far? playing games with this old heart I've killed a million petty souls but I couldn't kill you! I LOVE this song =X=X=X=X I am getting fed up with my angel cards.. The card "SOULMATE" keeps jumping out at me.. it's becoming irritating. I have no idea who it's talking about. Also.. "trips and long journeys" keeps appearing when Emma does my Tarot cards. Lol.. on the card SOULMATE it has two little angels kissing.. I remember when I showed it to Daniel he was like "OMG! that's sick! They are KIDS! There's head-tiltage and everything!" He was so appauled.. Emma is becoming more and more irritated towards me smoking.. It's like my only escape though. She's on my back about my future.. that makes like 28742748274 people now. My parents reckon there's no pressure on me.. then when I have 1 day off for illness or get a C+ on a paper or something they FLIP out. "You're never going to amount to anything." I'm sick of hearing it all, who says I want to amount to anything? I mean.. why waste your whole life doing work to prepare for the future when your life could end at any moment? I just want to have fun while I exist. I am confusing myself so much with everything. My brain is going to melt and turn green in a matter of days. I get so lonely when I watch movies or read books with love and all that shit in 'em.. but when it comes to getting close to someone I freak out and just want to be alone. I am not sure what my problem is.. But I guess I feel threatened in some way when I'm in a relationship.. like I'm not me anymore. It's pure stupidity but oh well.. I'm doomed to a life of eternal lonliness. |
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hungry| =| | ||||
| 07:02pm 27/07/2003 | ||||
I get sushi tomorrow though I will explode long before then. ^.^ YAY, I'm happy again. I dunno why I have these bouts of depression.. it's odd. *ponders on the thought* Sushi will make it all go away v.v lol. Ok, I confess I am an addict, but there is worse things I could be addicted to, right? OF COURSE! =P |
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bored| So irritated | ||||
| 04:56pm 27/07/2003 | ||||
Nah, I'm just messed up a bit.. Little things remind me of shit from my past. It's just stupid. "You make believe.. that nothing is wrong until you're crying. People keep telling me I need help I can't get help! GRR. |
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| SUSHI | ||||
| 01:50pm 27/07/2003 | ||||
Away from the games, away from the space The circumstances of a world so cold" I love this song =X It's probably my favourite ^.^ OH and this part! "I need to find.. a darkened corner.. a lightless corner.. Where it's I still feel like shit but I can breathe now ^.^ And I wish my mum would hurry up and get home so we can go shopping..or so they can go shopping and bring me home SUSHI!! ^.^ |
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curious| 09:56am 27/07/2003 | ||||
Hum, I have a bit of a stoneover (What my friends call feeling the effects of pot the morning after you've smoked) but nothing much. I got up.. played Morrowind for like half an hour.. then ate a sammich and now I'm online. Waiting to see if Jay is gonna come online cuz I miss him ^.^ I doubt he is though.. there it's like 7pm >.> *misses Jay* v.v I am pathetic. lol. Mum is bugging me to hang out the washing but I don't intend on doing it.. We are going shopping soon! Hopefully at Maroochydore cuz I feel like SUSHI.. but most probably at BI-LO cuz my mums a tightarse. lol.. Sushi.. sushi.. sushi! *drools* |
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| 06:43pm 26/07/2003 | ||||
The computer looks like some form of bird <.< >.> And all the buttoms are little washing machines. With faces. EVIL faces! Jay "eeeped" at my entry to this journal. HI JAY! *waves* -.o I'm gonna be laughing at this tomorrow. |
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high| Chocolate Cake. o.o | ||||
| 04:51pm 26/07/2003 | ||||
I am dying for a cone.. or atleast a J! come on people! "This feels like a real life fantasy, it feels like you! Be a good girl like you're supposed to.." I NEED this CD. If only Coolum had more than 1 CD store! Or if I could go shopping.. and buy sushi! omg! *drools* Well I didn't end up sleeping over Dannys and having a grill up/horror movie night/ munch out with Danny and Daniel v.v Instead I sat at home BY MYSELF and watched Ghost Ship. It was alright.. but only because of the completely gory parts. Then today me and Emma watched it again.. and a preview on the end of the tape was for a movie called "THEY". It intrigued me and Emma so we went and got it. Then we watched it. It was great.. well I think so anyways.. Parts of today were kinda spooky, yet cool! Like.. when we were walking to the shop Emma said "I'd laugh if Daniel and Danny rode up and saw us walking to IGA when we are both supposed to be sick" and they DID. Then While we were watching the movie she said "If I were this guy, I'd just kill myself" 2 seconds later he DID. Then when some guy was searching this chicks body for a mark I said "It's in my hair! IT'S IN MY HAIR" and then at the end of the movie we found out it WAS in her hair. =D It was cool. |
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| tokin'! | ||||
| 04:46pm 25/07/2003 | ||||
SLEEPOVER TONIGHT AT DANNYS! Tokin' up with my bestest buddies Danny and Daniel.. I wish Emma would come too though v.v Oh well! =P |
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bitchy| 06:12pm 24/07/2003 | ||||
I have edited my pic on here like 8 times.. now that it's SMALL ENOUGH everythings ok =D =P Hi Jay *waves* |
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drained| 05:04pm 24/07/2003 | ||||
I LOVE JAY! ^.^ *copies* I am getting a headache and I plan to sleep when I get off the internet.. which will be soon because my little sister is bugging me to get on! UGH I wish I was an only child =| |
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dreary___ |
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