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[09 Jun 2011|06:59pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Red - Pieces |
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What a beautiful mess..
I know the path of true love never did run smooth but geez, lighten up a little. Is it always supposed to come with such pain? I'd give anything just to see brighter days again.
I'm waiting for my letter to arrive, just stating I am now officially dropped. I'm scared now I'll never go back. Took some rough times just to make it as far as I did. I know it's for the best, but a part of me just can't help feeling like the biggest failure ever. I put so much work in, I've even cried about it the past couple of nights.
Heavens help me, this is one emotional roller coaster ride.
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| Tired of the trips, tired of the falls, tired of the pain, tired of it all.. |
[17 May 2011|06:12pm] |
Days like today make me hate myself.
When does familial obligation end? I'm so tired of being used, and abused. Can you believe, I was actually told, actually TOLD "If I was more of a cruel person I'd have severely beaten your ass by now.."
*sigh* Really? I pay everything. Everything. I don't want to be here any more than you want me here. I didn't want this - just like you didn't.
Yet you consistently bite the hand that feeds,
and yet I consistently stay
Because you have no one else.
Your other two children turned their back on you a long time ago.
So I've been pacing the past couple of hours, wondering if it's going to end like it did last time. You punched me in the mouth, and I walked away for 2 years.
Today wasn't supposed to be this way.
Today was supposed to be a good day.
I had gone to the doctor and gotten better antibiotics. All my labwork came back normal. And Steve sent so many love - filled messages I felt happy despite being sick.
..I just want it to end.
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[17 May 2011|05:33pm] |
Shouldn't I realize, you're the highest of the high?
And if you don't know -
Then I'll say it.
So don't ever wonder..
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[17 May 2011|05:32pm] |
Nyquil.
The stuffy,
sneezy,
why the hell is the room spinning medicine.
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| Through everything.. Always |
[13 May 2011|07:07pm] |
So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall,
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith
I want to be with you forever,
If tomorrow's not too late
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today
If I am, another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am, only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So youre walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But you're so far gone,
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed
For though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises..
If I am, another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down...
If I am, only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
The answers that we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You don't talk of dreams
I won't mention tomorrow.
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...
I will never leave you
I will not let you down..
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[08 May 2011|07:20pm] |
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I am you and you are me. You are the waves, I am the ocean. Know this, and be free. Be divine.
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[26 Apr 2011|01:23am] |
The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.
- Bill Copeland
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[26 Apr 2011|01:13am] |
No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.
- Esther & Jerry Hicks
Because you should never give up hope on doing something you love. And because I would give it all up tomorrow to see you succeed like you want to....
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[26 Apr 2011|01:12am] |
The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.
- Herbert Spencer
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[26 Apr 2011|01:11am] |
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience
- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
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[26 Apr 2011|01:11am] |
Your work is to discover your work and then, with all your heart, to give yourself to it.
- Buddha
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| Another long, lonely night. |
[27 Mar 2011|09:22pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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Meat Loaf - Life is a Lemon |
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I've been sick most of the day so I figured I'd do something I really should have done during spring break: homework.
I told myself over the break I would just catch up on homework but really, really just didn't feel like doing shit considering this past month has been.. well, it's been a month. The only highlights of the entire day today have been that I got to text Steve a little bit and Toph sent a bunch of photos of his little sisters skating at the skating rink. The pics really made me laugh, they brought back a ton of memories. I miss those days.
I ended up calling in to work. Last night was such a struggle to make it through and I didn't want to get anyone else sick although it will probably end up spreading. Always does there.
*sigh* Back to homework I go..
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[08 Mar 2011|03:03am] |
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It's funny when you realize the one thing you've been searching for your whole life was here the whole time...
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| I just wanna lay with you.. |
[13 Feb 2011|03:09am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Charlie Wilson - You Are |
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Dress, check.
Shoes, check.
Clutch, check.
Makeup, you betcha.
Arm candy griping about his penguin suit? Got that too.
Good night? Not so much.
It was beautiful. Everything was so beautiful and I think that was part of the problem. Andy was great. He danced so much he wore me out! But even being led around the floor, in someone's arms - it wasn't who I wanted it to be.. So in that sense it was lacking. But Andy was a good sport considering he wasn't my 'date'.
We stayed about 3 hours, left in plenty of time to get ready for work. Now Veronica and I are sitting here listening to slow jams passing the time. It's been so slow tonight that we've actually wasted time reading each other's palms, playing with play-doh and now with the slow jams.
But there's always room for Charlie Wilson!
'Butterflies is what I feel inside
And every time it’s like my first time
And I can’t never find the words to say
You’re the perfect girl
you’re made for me
It’s so easy to love you baby
We’re compatible, incredible and natural we are
And girl I’ve never felt this way before
From the bottom of my heart
Baby girl I just wanna tell you that you are
The reason I love the reason I trust
God sent me an angel
You are the best in the world
A wonderful girl'
See! Always room for some Charlie Wilson!
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[30 Jan 2011|04:14pm] |
You are my light, my laughter, my hope and my joy.
Maybe one day, you'll be the reason I truly shine.
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[30 Jan 2011|04:13pm] |
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When I met you, I knew there was something in you I could fall in love with. Now I know - it's not something. It's everything.
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[30 Jan 2011|04:09pm] |
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone.
I know, you love me and
Soon, I know you will see..
You were meant for me,
And I was meant for you..
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| Last one.. |
[19 Jan 2011|06:34pm] |
Jaded
Your sparkling eyes of jade,
always catch my gaze.
They make me smile
on even the worst of days.
You've promised forever;
Through thick and thin
Reassure me of this,
time and time again..
Emotional scars display
all the pain we've felt.
Making the best of it,
until a better card was dealt.
You accepted me unconditionally,
with you I've done the same
Though I was sure you wouldn't;
leaving only myself to blame..
I'm jaded, unperfect -
I know I'll always be.
But you're beautiful.
So perfect, to me.
(February 25, 2004)
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| Another one I felt the need to.. revisit. |
[19 Jan 2011|06:33pm] |
A Tale of Two Snows
"Don't set yourself up only to be hurt."
The caring phrase from a joking friend.
Spoken too late, for I fell for you long before
I was lost in your eyes, hung on your every word..
"I told you so" - the bitter taunt
Dripping poison into my shattered essence
I know your every feature,
From your gold-flecked green eyes,
To your nimble fingers rolling clove..
The smallest details still haunt me;
Your warm breath, before you kissed my neck
"Such beautiful lips" as you touched them,
ever so gently with yours
Dimples that appeared when you'd laugh
at my reaction to your numerous antics
The childish pout you'd use to break my glare
when I wouldn't get the joke
The wonderment in your eyes
as I'd run my fingers through your hair
'Pricklies' when you'd nuzzle my face after getting off work at 3 AM
Even the furrow in your brow when you'd be deep in thought,
tuning the entire world out
I gazed at you whenever I could, genuinely entranced.
Learned your mannerisms, quirks and even a few flaws
We'd stare at one another for what seemed like hours
I thought I saw your soul, for you surely saw mine..
Maybe that was the problem.
Why did you lead me on?
Hug me so tightly, kiss me so softly,
Tell me to never let go?
Pull me closer whenever I was near?
Push back when I tried to push you away?
You're still here when I close my eyes,
Your fingertips caress my face
The taste of you forever on my lips
Your name imprinted on my heart..
You had my soul in the palm of your hands
Handed it back amidst tears, and cries of how much I once meant
Is it really so easy for you to fall out of what you called love?
Or are you heartless enough to fake emotional bonds?
How do you describe feeling lower than worthless?
Though the tears flow, I can't escape a smile formed from simple irony.
We began and ended in the place where - despite it all - I still long to be;
Your arms.
(March 23, 2003)
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| Some dark places should never be revisited. But I found this, and felt the urge to post. |
[19 Jan 2011|06:31pm] |
Morbid Thoughts
Feeling I'm dead inside,
My body only a shell
Contemplating many ways
To rid myself of this hell
The answer becomes obvious
As I glance down to my arms
A smile forms on my lips
At my intentions of harm
Seeing nothing in a different light
As crimson beads start to appear,
If only I could cut another 1/4 inch,
All my problems would disappear.
(August 11, 2003)
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