Blurty for i want ice cream. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website ([MySpace]). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Monday, April 7th, 2008

Time: 10:33 pm. Mood: determined.

It's been a long time. Too long perhaps... I'll probably never update on here anymore. There is too much happening in my life. Or maybe there's not enough... I stopped hanging out with all of my friends. Maybe it's because they're all trash. They have nothing else better to do than abuse drugs and sit on their asses to talk about everyone like they're something special. Maybe i'm that trash... I dedicated my life to my boyfriend... Which i never wanted to do in the first place. I guess some people are stupid for following their hearts. Maybe i'm just insecure. *shrugs* Who knows. I'm still trying to find a job. (Good luck.) I'll probably never amount to anything... (I'm not trying to get your sympathy.) I just really don't care anymore. If i see you, i may wave. Or maybe i just don't fucking like you, you know? Get the fucking picture, yet? Eh. I'm out of here. Hopefully forever. Because i'm sick of this place, got me? I'll see you in Hell.

towards the heavens.

Time: 9:43 pm. Mood: bored.

Jesus Christ. All i wanted to do today was get on the computer and check my email. No. Can't happen. Because some guy named Mitch in Sevierville is going to keep telling me how pretty i am and how much he wants to get with me and create mass genocide. Which i find nothing wrong with that. But chances are that i'll never see this guy and that i'm probably going to end up marrying Tyler and all that bullshit. But it's still cool to dream. Ah... So good to dream. ♥

towards the heavens.

Time: 1:36 am. Mood: content. Music: Lies of Autumn - Burn The Priest.

I just love how easy I can get on here and type up anything that is on my mind. It really sets me at ease. ...At the very moment I was clicking on the link for my journal I thought to myself: Is it worth it? How do I take it? 1. Eh. I could just go to sleep. I'm wasting time anyway. (dig deeper.) 2. Fuck. I'm going to get into perpetual thought and go in circles. (...deeper.) 3. Oh no. Now i'm having dreams where i'm getting beaten, raped, chased by some kind of blood-lusting cannibal. Now i can't sleep. Maybe i just think a little too deep sometimes. Maybe that's my problem... Because all of those things i came up with were negative. Ugh. I'm negative. There, I said it. So here we go... I'm getting all of the negativity out of my life: People. Places. Objects. Gone. All gone. No joke. If you're negative: Bye. I don't want you around me anymore. Because you bring me down. Like no fucking way am I going to just sit around the rest of my life and think: What if. Fuck that. I got things to do before I die. Like be happy, maybe? So fuck you. *laughs* Get away from me.

towards the heavens.

Subject: Ugh. Time: 6:50 pm. Mood: hungry. Music: All I Need - Radiohead.

I'm so hungry. =( And the food isn't done yet. =(((( Things are alright, i guess. Nothing has happened to where it would... Tyler finally got a job. He's not being payed much, but it's the matter that counts. He's only staying there until he finds a better job. *shrugs* Then we already have a house we're going to live in. It's not in a good location, but it's only 300 a month. Ugh. I need a job. Terribly... Moms is buying me a car for my birthday. Which is in 4 days. =) Happiness. Birthday cake and free stuff. =D Awesome. *sighs* I decided to give Tyler another chance. *shrugs* He technically didn't touch anyone or anything. He agreed to stop doing Xanax and all the other fucked up pills he used to consume at large quantities. So far, he's doing pretty damn good. He hasn't fucked up yet... He just can't handle the fact that he fucked up and he beats himself up over it. Which he should do. Asshole. But i love him and i'm going to stay by him. It wasn't hid fault to do the things he did, it was the drugs. Simple as that. And if he decides to do the drugs again... See ya. I know other guys who would kill to have me in their arms. Easy as pie. O.o Mmm. Pie. *drools* I'm so fucking hungry. I need to eat something...

towards the heavens.

Time: 12:41 am. Mood: nostalgic. Music: I'd Like Your Hair Long - HUM.

Ugh. So i decided to at least yell at Tyler in person rather than just yell at him over the phone. So i did. And guess what? He goes on this big thing about how he's going to stop doing all this bad shit and get his life together and support me and all this shit. O.o Not what i wanted to hear. But he's swearing up and down that he's going to stop doing everything (drugs, ignoring me, acting like an ass, etc.) just to get my trust back. Yah... Riiight... Like i told him: "I'll believe it when i see it happening." Until then, i'm not his girlfriend. He may call himself my boyfriend and remain 'loyal' to me. (Half-ass loyal, if you ask me.) But i cut off that tie. Fucking period. So i decided to be nice today and go to West Town with him and Chris. He kept buying me stuff, which made me feel really awkward. But shit, i took it anyway. =) Then Chris went home, so i told him that i wanted to go home. We stopped by his house first, so we could feed the dogs... And he started telling me that he was lonely and that he missed me and that he's been thinking about all the bullshit he's done to me. O.o? (Dude. Come on.) So i shot back with a "You should have thought about that first..." So we went into his house and we had a really long talk. No sex, i swear... Turns out i was right all along, and like i've been saying the whole time: His friends are nothing but pieces of shit and lie to him. *applauds* So i told him that i'm not his girlfriend until i start seeing improvements. ...oh! And no more underage dikes, please. XD

2 shouted towards the heavens.

Time: 1:33 pm. Mood: discontent.

Today sucks. I woke up like an hour ago and i couldn't see anything. I went to pee and i heard a knock at the door. First, i thought it was Tyler. but i looked out the window and saw Cindy's car. So i gave her her Christmas present. She had some difficulty with it. Lol. But she got it. Heh. It was a cute little My Melody toy. She liked it. I didn't get anything for Christmas. Mom didn't know what to get me and since i wasted the past 7 months of my life with a no count, i didn't get to go shopping with her before Christmas. So she's going to wait until the weekend to buy me stuff. *shrugs* I don't really want anything. Tyler called and said that he wanted to come over and give me my presents. I don't even know if i want them. I don't know what to do. I might hit him the face again. I really should, but he's got a hard head and it might hurt me more. *sighs* I hate life. Dustin tried to make me feel better, but it's not the same when he's all the way in Grover Beach. He gives the best advice anybody could give, but i don't know... I'm so confused. =(

towards the heavens.

Time: 6:35 pm. Mood: gloomy.

I've been sleeping all day. And my mind has been torturing me since... I'm starting to have dreams that i'm dating these guys after Tyler. And they turn out to be rapists and beaters. So for the past 12 hours, i've been raped and beaten in all of my dreams. And i'm to the point where i don't want to sleep anymore. I figured it would help to escape reality for a little while... I was wrong. I'm sad to say that i'm dying to see him. I know i shouldn't, so i'm not going to. But it's only making me feel worse. I'm still confused by all of this. I feel so pathetic. He told me that he had no explanation for what he did. So i told him that i didn't have a reason to talk to him unless he had an explanation. Wow, did that make him cry. But that's what he gets. He broke my heart into pieces. And i know he knows that. I should have never believed the words he told me. I feel foolish.

towards the heavens.

Time: 2:52 am. Mood: blank. Music: The Pod - HUM.

So Moms gave me these anxiety pills, and now i'm all fucked up. So i called Tyler to see how he's doing. It's so hard to believe what he says. I don't, either. I'm glad he understands what he's done and how fucking hard he's going to have to work if he really wants me back. And we made an agreement: If he does drugs, i'm gone. Because that's why he does the stupid shit he does. Because he's retarded and does mass quantities of whatever he can get his hands on and becomes a babbling idiot. So he does drugs, i'm gone. Simple as that. But what was cool was he let me sit there and make fun of him and talk shit to him over the phone. He said that he deserved it. Bahaha! It was really fun. I called him a bastard, fucker, fucking bastard, bastard mother fucker, etc. He really pissed me off. I'm still pissed. I know i never should have called him, but i figured it would be fun if i called and bitched his ass out, since i didn't get a chance to on account of i've been crying all day. Made me feel a lot better. But i gave him options: Want to be with me? Listen and do everything i say. You don't want to be with me? Then fuck off, asshole. Of course he started crying and begging me to stay on the phone with him because he "loves me". Riiight. But then again, i know he does, the drugs just make him a different person. Thus, he stops, or he never sees me again. Stupid ass mother fucker cock shit!

towards the heavens.

Time: 1:04 am. Mood: crushed.

I'm so lonely. So hurt. So used. I always ran to Tyler and he held me to take my pain away. He always made me feel better. Now he's the one hurting me. And i don't know where to run to. I'm so lost. I miss my Babycake. So bad. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of breaking shit. I'm sick of punching walls. I can't sleep. Mom's pills are starting to fuck me up and i want to fade away. Sadly, i'm staring at the phone, waiting for him to start his 'speed dial calling me' bullshit over and over. Sometimes i want to pick up the phone, just to hear his voice. The voice of a liar, a cheater, a heart breaker. My heart hurts. -.-

towards the heavens.

Time: 8:11 pm. Mood: uncomfortable.

Well, i broke up with Tyler because he's a piece of shit. I went and got all of my stuff out of his house. I can't stop crying. This the hardest thing i have ever had to do. He kept following me around, trying to hug me. So i punched him in the face a couple of times and he got the message not to fucking touch me. Then he tried telling me this bullshit like he was going to fix it and make it better. Please... You wouldn't have done it in the first place, you asshole. I'm going to miss him. This going to take a lot of time to get over, i know. =/

towards the heavens.

Time: 4:54 pm. Mood: disappointed.

So i was stupid enough to trip with Tyler, Chris, and Steven last night because i told Chris what has been on my mind, lately. I told him not to tell Tyler, but i bet he already did. He assures me that nothing is going on, and that he wouldn't let Tyler do anything fucked up to me. That doesn't really help, but i'll pretend it does. Then i wake up to Tyler's phone ringing. (I was laying on his couch in the living room.) I looked down, and he was sleeping next to the couch on the floor. I was kind of annoyed because the phone kept ringing, so i answered it. It was that chick he keeps talking to and hiding it from me, so i answered it. I calmly asked who it was, and it had to turn out to be that little Shrek looking girl. I told her that he was asleep. So i hung up, packed my shit, and left his ass passed out on the living room floor. I had the decency to wake him and say bye, but i said nothing else. I bet he doesn't even know that i'm gone, yet. He may still be lying there. I don't really care. I'm over being lied to and him hiding shit from me. ...and i told him that he couldn't lie worth shit. ...I guess i was wrong.

towards the heavens.

Subject: Lies. Time: 2:09 am. Mood: pessimistic.

So this is the second time i've been lied to about... how does Tyler say it... Nothing to worry about? He's talking to this little dike girl about who knows what... He told me the first time i saw him talking to her "I've known her for like 2 years because she dated one of my friends." (first lie) Then he tells me 4 months later, thinking i completely forgot about that that he only knew her 2 months previous to us running into her that day. (second lie) Then he tells me that he has to call me back, that his mom is calling... Hmm... I didn't know his mom was a 14 year old man-looking bitch. Oh, and i guess that makes it the third time. ... ... ... Nope, fourth. I caught him calling the bitch, and he told me that it was his friend, Kristin from school (which i have no problem with that... she's pregnant and getting married, and i talked to her... she's actually quite nice.) I just want to know why he's lying to me about something that's... "not a big deal." Please... enlighten me.

towards the heavens.

Time: 10:20 pm. Mood: sleepy.

It's been a crazy week. Drugs. Having Chris around. Lol. And Tyler going crazy. I'm not even going to mention the bullshit he's in. ...breaks my heart in pieces. But i'll be alright. I'm not letting him go to jail. Over my dead body... Anyways, i'm at home. Tyler is asleep in my bed. =3 He looks so cute when he's sleeping. I told my Moms what's been going on with my body and all. She's making an appointment for me to go see the girly doctor. Lol. I'm kind of nervous, but it's for the better. =/ I'm tired. Night.

towards the heavens.

Time: 9:38 pm. Mood: cold. Music: Pardon Me - Incubus.

Ugh. It's late and i'm tired... But i know if i sleep now, Tyler will come wake me up at 3 in the morning. So i'm going to wait a little longer. Things are well. Boring... but well. *sighs* I still want ice cream. =/

towards the heavens.

Time: 1:11 am. Mood: depressed. Music: Freebird - Lynard Skynard.

You know what's really sad? I wanted to get fucked up. Tyler asked me what i wanted. Duster. All i do is make everything worse. I hate it. But i really don't care anymore. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Sad, isn't it? -.- ...i hate it. =(

towards the heavens.

Subject: Dirty nickers. Time: 12:13 pm. Mood: working.

Ugh. Tyler had to work at 10 this morning. =( I wanted to go with him, but i had other things to do. Laundry is a pain in the ass and trying to keep Mr. Krinkle from tearing everything up is worse. He wants to eat everything, and i'm trying to teach him just to eat his cat food. >.< After Tyler gets off work, him and Chris have to jump on my Moms's roof and tear shingles up because there's a leak. So at least i get to go home today. =D Happiness. And i can occupy Mr. Krinkle with Neko and Daizy. So i don't have to watch him tear everything up. Moms can. Bahaha. I win! Besides that, i'm just tired and i want some whipped cream. I got a can and hit it the other night, and took all the propellant in one hit. It was lame... But worth it, i guess. Now that i'm not pregnant i can do things i wasn't able to do. Like DRUGS. And ROUGH SEX. Yes! Rough sex. I don't even need drugs. Just sex. God, i wish Tyler wasn't at work. -.- Dammit... I gotta go do things. Bye.

towards the heavens.

Subject: Lost. Time: 10:39 pm. Mood: exhausted. Music: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd.

To answer the question... I am was pregnant. I had a miscarriage today. I'm fine now. I'm still bleeding and the pain is coming to an end. Tyler is upset. I told him last night that i didn't want to hae it and he said that it was my decision to make so i could do whatever i wanted to. I didn't even get a chance to do just that... And here we are... Back to the way we were... *sighs*

towards the heavens.

Blurty for i want ice cream. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website ([MySpace]). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.