[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Saturday, April 3rd, 2004|
this is my last entry.
i've realized lately that too many people are getting involved in my business, and this whole journal thing hasn't helped me at all. too many people i know have been trying to screw around with my life, and i have let them. my life is mine, i'm sick of everyone trying to get involved in it and trying to make other people believe things that aren't true. this is the truth:
i have done alot of things this school year that i'm not proud of. i almost lost kelly for good. i stayed out till 6 am every day drinkin and trying to solve my problems by drinking and hanging out with people who i thought were real. i have made the mistake too many times this year of thinking certain people are real. the only real person i know is kelly. i'm not even real. i'm an image of everyone's making. i'm a girl who goes out drinking every week, dresses up sleazy, goes out drinking and dancing. that was an image i'm stripping myself of. i am emotionally attracted to people who seem like they are honest. but honestly, i am not honest. someone told me recently that he liked me because i seemed genuine. i am far from genuine. that was just another image. i have lied so much this year, to everyone else and especially to myself. so much that i started to believe my own lies.
i want to apologize. i want to apologize to my friends because i turned into someone i didn't even recognize anymore and you all started to believe my lies even more than i did. i'm sorry to those i hurt in the process of this change. i feel like i've been living someone else's life.
my name is caitlyn. and i love kelly. and i love my roommates. and i love everyone i've come in contact with this year. because you've all changed me. i needed this to happen to me because i needed to figure out who i was, and this was the only way to do it, i guess. i wish i could've realized all of this in another way, but life has always been tough on me, and living has always been a disaster that i needed to clean up.
i'm not going to write anymore... at least not for anyone else to read. i need to grow up. i need to start living my real life. i'm not shutting anyone out. if you feel like talking to me, you know where i am, at least for another month or so. after that, i'll be far away hopefully. so please forgive me for pretending to be someone else. there are alot of people that i care about, but i'm gonna say this for the hundredth time this year. the only person in my life, ever, who has actually shown that they give a damn, who has been there for me no matter what i've done or how many times i've lied or hurt them, the only person who doesn't need to read my mind to figure out what is wrong with me, is kelly. i would appreciate it if everyone stopped trying to cause us more problems. we have enough to deal with.
i'm a little girl who loves to dance, who loves to think, whose fears get too much of her most of the time, who wants to scream as loud as she can for someone to be there for her because she can't handle being by herself....... sometimes i want to drive to the ocean and sleep on the beach because it's the only place in the world where i feel like i'm ok.... i have a lot of issues that no one can deal with besides kelly..... i would do anything for someone else if they are in trouble, but can't understand why no one ever runs to me when i need a hug... i read books on buddhism because i don't know what to believe and i can't figure out what's wrong with me and why i can't be happy with myself, but no matter how many books i read, i can't be happy for more than a few days at a time...... i overanalyze every single second of every day..... but that's me.........think i'm crazy, think i need help, think i am weird or whatever you want..... or don't even think of me at all... i don't care anymore....
|Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004|
"I'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired
and my brain is disconnected but my heart is wired
I make such a good statistic
someone should study me now
somebody's got to be interested in how I feel
just 'cause I'm here
and I'm real
and oh, how I miss
walking up to the edge and jumping in"
|Friday, March 19th, 2004|
i miss florida already :(
i had the best vacation..... this was what i did everyday:
9:30 wake up and eat breakfast
10-12:30 lay at the beach
2:00-5:00 lay at the beach
5:00 sit out on the porch and drink
8-whenever drink and smoke
this is what i do now:
11:00 wake up and remember that there is a foot of snow outside
11:30-whenever complain about not being in florida anymore
yup... so st. augustine is great. me and kelly went out this cool bar and got hit on by like 20 guys.... wow.... everywhere we walked we got honked at and yelled at..... we're some hot chicks :) haha...... we met these three cute young boys from indiana that hung out with us for the last half of the vacation. we ate, smoked, drank, played asshole, watched tv.... pretty much same stuff i do here, but with new people. i think that was my favorite part of the trip, besides the freakin awesome weather and the coolest beach ever, but definitely being in a new place and meeting new people is something that i would love to be able to do all the time. being stuck in fitchburg and doing the same thing every week can make you forget how big the world is and how many interesting people there are out there that you have yet to meet. i wanna be out in that world......
|Monday, March 8th, 2004|
hmmm.... it's been over a week.... that's a long time for me!
so i had a little relapse today... i was sitting at work, waiting on some pretty good customers, when i had these little flashbacks of these things that have happened in my life in the past few weeks that have tested my limits. and i think i've done good thus far, but i definitely had a mini breakdown. it only lasted a few minutes, but it was weird. i don't even know what set it off, but it went away quickly and i regained my composure. but, boy, i either have really bad pms or there's something weird going on in the atmosphere. oh well, i can't expect to feel great all the time. so not that anyone can notice, but i got interrupted when writing this cuz drunk zach was upset and i had to drive him home cuz he was walking around campus like a maniac. haha, he probably won't even remember. why am i everybody's mother? this isn't directed toward zach at all, but why does everyone want me around when they need something. i just want a friend who will hang out with me. how many times do i have to complain about this??? whatever, i'm too tired to be writing this now. so glad i'm going on vacation :)
"forget about yours, now what about mine?"
|Saturday, February 28th, 2004|
"when the mirror talks to me i listen with my heart"
i feel AMAZING today :) i've spent so much time alone for the past three days, and i've done so much work, for school, for myself, for my future. i feel so much more free than i've felt in such a long time. i don't think i've felt this calm and secure in years. and i'm scared... i'm scared of the next thing that is going to come along and try to screw with my happiness. but next time i'll be ready. i've already proven to myself that i don't have to sulk or be sad. there's no reason to be sad about anything. it's a waste of good energy. a lot of people think i'm very weak. they don't think i'm strong enough to be my own person. that's bullshit. yeah i said it. haha..... it's bullshit! it's all about choices. if i choose to be strong, i am. and yes, i have chosen to be weak for the past year or so, but i've changed my mind.
"only when mellow are you thin enough to slide through.... tomorrow has to start somewhere"
|Friday, February 27th, 2004|
"But I am going to a far, far land
I know it sure as I've a past and a future
With my maps on the table, you see, I have lost many things
So many I won't turn back.
And were I a deadwood ship, my heart a compass
I would leave with inanimate grace, no love could touch me
But I live and I know that I'll burn as I grow
Though it might break my heart to walk away and so
As a moon may adore you and remain, high moon
The wind may crown your head with leaves, and keep blowing
So I'll stop and I'll watch you, for I love, I love
And then be on my way. And then be on my way."
|Thursday, February 26th, 2004|
i've chose to re-examine my life..... in baby steps......
i think i'm gonna start by spending more time by myself and with my girl friends. for some reason i have recently decided on letting all the males in my life determine how i feel. i don't know what happened to that girl who used to have an opinion and who could spend a friday night at home by herself and have the best night of the week. it's so hard in the world we live in to really look at your life from the outside. i'm so tired and worn down and my brain is complete mush. i feel really lucky to have a good guy friend but my view of my world is sometimes distorted. being around guys can be really unhealthy for a girl's sense of being. i really don't understand why i have such a hard time just living life one day at a time. i'm too analytical, i think too much, but i also put off doing the things that i have always wanted to do because i let my brain get the better of me. and sometimes my heart causes a lot of painful problems too. but i'm strong, i know i am, and i've been to hell and back in the short time that i've been alive. i really don't understand how living at school has made me question things that have been a part of me before anyone i know even knew i existed. i do think that being here has forced me to fight myself, and i think it has been a good experience, but all this around me isn't the truth. some people ask my why i write these entries and it's not for anyone else's sake but my own because sometimes i need to remember how weak i let myself get. there are so many times i wish i could curl up in bed and disappear, but why would i do that? they're just speedbumps. why rip myself apart for a speedbump? i don't get how i ended up like this but it's over......
"don't you see that the charade is over"
|Monday, February 23rd, 2004|
"maybe next time
you'll be Henry the VIII
wake up tomorrow, Alexander the great
open your eyes in a new life again
maybe next time
you'll be given a chance"
|Friday, February 20th, 2004|
"maybe i'd be better off alone for awhile....
i don't belong here
you're so different from me...
and i don't want you to say
that it's all going to be ok...."
"Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down"
i think i'm at a very strange crossroads.... i think i've been living half asleep
"I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough"
"I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
where I'll be than
be alone and convinced that I know"
|Sunday, February 15th, 2004|
yeah, so i just typed an entire entry and it got deleted. ugh...... i'll just write this.
"Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer
to a question I can't ask"
|Friday, February 13th, 2004|
"what am i to you?
tell me darlin' true
to me you are the sea
vast as you can be
and deep the shade of blue
when you're feelin low
to whom else do you go?
now if my sky should fall
would you even call?"
I'm hurtin real bad. how is that happiness and sadness can switch from one to the other so easily and so quickly? and why can't my brain and heart work on the same wavelength? i need help :(
|Thursday, February 12th, 2004|
nina!! yay for cadbury mini eggs!!!! :)
hehe... i'm so tired. i feel pretty good lately though, i have a lot of energy this week. i bought the new norah jones cd which makes me happy. definitely gonna be putting up some new quotes from her. so this saturday is valentine's day. what is valentine's day?? yeah, i'm working, but me and kelly made plans awhile ago to go to boston on friday the 13th. hopefully everything ends up well and we still go. i tend to ruin things before they even happen. i have no dance all next week! i need a little vacation, so it will be good. and a lady is coming into my ballet class in a few weeks to teach us pilates. that's exciting for me. as always, i'm confused as to what to do with myself, and i'll make it easy to understand for once. i want to get what i can out of my last semester, but i also don't want to ruin anything that will last beyond this semester. so what do i do? i don't think it's fair to choose between people, but i do make some bad choices and every day i think a different thing is the right thing to do. i don't want to make decisions right now so i'm gonna take a nap.
"there's a silver moon
that came just a little soon
for me to bare
shines brightly on my bed
and the shadows overhead
won't let me sleep
as long as they are there
creep on in
and once you have begun
don't stop until you're done"
|Friday, February 6th, 2004|
yup.... every single of my roomates drank with me tonight for the first time ever! wow i'm typing pretty well for being a drunk girl :) i'm so sad cuz i'm so conflicted :( my brain and my heart won't accept the same fate. they keep fighting each other and i'm so worn out. and my body picks a different side every day. ugh. every hour. grrr... i'm so tired from everything. i just wish something good would work out and somebody would tell me what to do. i dont know why i'm so dumb. i know exactly the right thing to do and i keep hesitating and waiting for some kind of sign but there hasn't been anything big enough to catch my attention. i just keep hesitating. because i won't accept the truth and i won't accept that i know exactly what i should be doing, because i keep hoping that things inside of me will change or things outside of me, in the world, in people, will change. i want the truth.
"Another day that I can't find my head
My feet don't look they're my own
I'll try and find the floor below to stand
And I hope I reach it once again
And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend"
|Monday, February 2nd, 2004|
"don't worry, u will find the answer if u let it go"
ok so i think i'm a pretty smart girl, but i suck at life. if living was a job, i would've been fired sooo many years ago. seriously. all i do is complain about how complicated everything is and i'm the one who causes it! i can't even be friends with people without making it a huge deal for nothing. i started reading this book for my young adult lit. class about a girl who has some brain disease and could die at any minute, and i'm sitting here unappreciative to the max. i don't know why i have such a hard time just realizing that's i'm being an ungrateful, uptight ice queen (as nina would like to say... i still read ur journal!!!) grrrr... i have cramps.... i am so done with creating more problems in the world. like there's not enough to worry about by just getting out of bed every morning. i think i need to smoke more..... hehe :)
|Sunday, February 1st, 2004|
"I know my name has not been easy on your lips / and I know that smile is evidence of this / and I know my picture will not be carried with you / now someone's got to stay and clean up this mess"
i don't think it's possible for me to have a good night's sleep anymore.... i'm gonna start going crazy. i can't believe i've only been back at school for a week and all this shit has happened already. someone just give me a break. i've decided that tanya donelly is my favorite musician. and i can sing like her kinda :) she's fun and she has good lyrics. i filed my taxes today. yay for getting $600 back. i'm so sick of winter and the cold. i want to be where i can be tan and warm and happy all the time. and naturally blonde.... haha.... i'm kinda just going through the motions right now, so i'm not very interesting. the superbowl's tonight and i'm not even feelin it. but go pats! sigh.....
"you'd have to be an acrobat to touch her where she can feel a thing... you'd have to be a saint"
|Friday, January 30th, 2004|
i have major pms today. i can't find a pair of my favorite $40 jeans anywhere. i really hope my stupid ass left them at home. ugh i'm such a dumbass sometimes. i've had the worst week possible. classes suck. people suck. i'm like $2000 in debt right now. hmmm.... lets see what else i can complain about...
i'm so sick of fighting with everyone all the time. i've never felt so stuck in the middle between my friends for the absolute dumbest reasons. i wish i was rich and could take a semester off and go somewhere warm and far away, all by myself. i'm gonna get another ulcer, or kidney infection, or something painful and annoying of that sort because nobody is listening to me and what i want. nobody on the face of the planet is listening. i'm so sick of this place and fighting and being treated like a child and feeling inferior to everyone else i know.
i'm a 21 year old woman with hopes and aspirations and i want to live my life. i'm not in highschool anymore. i don't need to do anything that i don't want to do. i can vote, drink, smoke, buy lottery tickets, buy porn, be a legal guardian. i am responsible for 15 young girls at the dance studio and a respected teacher. i am a 5 year floor supervisor at a large corporate movie theater, where i get shit on if some 16 year old doesn't do his or her job right. in less than 2 years, i'll be teaching over 100 high school students the difference betweeen a rock and a mineral. i'm smart, strong and independent, and i've accomplished so many things for myself, and not one person in the world really cares about the things i've done and can do. who cares that i got a perfect score on the english lit advanced placement test? who cares that i could've been a professional dancer? who cares that more than anything in the world, i want to work for NASA? not one person in the world has ever asked me what i want. not one person has ever been interested in what i say.
not one person in the world knows me as the same person. i just want to be me and not have people question why i act a certain way. if i have to listen to one more person tell me what i should do or ask me why i do something, i'm going to have to try very hard not to throw something very hard and very large at them. i've had enough of everyone's bullshit. people complain about drama and how everything's always a mess in my life, but what they never realize is how they cause it and then leave me to pick up the pieces. i know i've done really shitty things in the past, but i can't change what i've done, and i'm not going to live my life trying to make up every wrong to everyone i know. i might as well just walk out in front of a moving bus, because there is no way i can make everything up. and why should i when no one else has ever made anything up to me? i'm sick of the bad energy, feeling guilty and worrying all the time. i just love when people ask me why i worry so much. if i just had to deal with me, i wouldn't worry about anything ever, but it's the people who ask me that cause my frustrations and they don't even realize it cuz they don't listen.
well i'm done talking.
|Wednesday, January 28th, 2004|
it's the first day of classes and i already hate school once again!
so i'm supposed to have this scholarship that i can use towards books, but the registrar's office put the money towards my tuition without telling anyone and now there's no money left over to pay for books. here comes the credit card! jesus christ, it's already got like 1500 dollars on it! what's another $250??? grrrrrr...... i'm so glad this is my last semester. i think i'd jump off the roof of the hammond building if i had to be here for any longer. haha... "in a sense you're alone here, so if you jump, you best jump far"
ok so the drinking starts as soon as i get out of my 2:00 class today. whippin' out the martini glass...
gettin frustrated already.....
|Sunday, January 25th, 2004|
"rock out with your cock out!"
hehehe :) back at school, and so far, no problems. happy to be in my own space, but i'm enjoying only lynn and pam being here right now. i rearranged my room and i like it alot, but there are so many wires everywhere. i cannot wait to have my own place someday, where i don't have to live in one single room. i'm a little bored right now.... i can't even go 4 hours of kelly working and i am already bored!