[a star up in the sky]'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
[a star up in the sky]

[ website | heartcore.clothing ]
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you're giving up on me [19 Feb 2004|01:43am]
[ music | juliana theory ]

i gave in and went to live journal..... http://www.livejournal.com/users/dreamacyde

but its okay..ill still update here also.

3 clever notes on clever napkins

seeing the strange in familiar [16 Feb 2004|11:06pm]
[ mood | anomic ]
[ music | anatomy of a ghost ]

I don't think I know anyone my age who doesn't want to be somebody. It's almost implied these days. We are told time and time again that if we only want something bad enough, we will get it, and all we have to do is chase our dreams in order to catch up with them. Now I'm not so sure. I can't help thinking that maybe, just maybe, my generation has expectations beyond it's capabilities. Don't get me wrong - I'm still way too young to be disillusioned, but perhaps we are looking for the wrong things.

I was always told that if I didn't like something, I shouldn't be doing it at all. I should quit and do what I like.

"So ya like writing, eh? Then why are you sitting behind a fucking desk? Get out! Go write something! Get famous!"

I think of this every day wherever I am, while I'm staring at a wall, wanting to leave. But I can't leave.. I can't run away like the whiny idealist I've been raised to be. This is what I chose because I had to, not because I wanted to. The job I never plan to end up in. Or the school I never plan to stay in. No, no, I am destined for better things, or so I have been told.

This sense of fate, of better things, has been hanging over our heads since birth. No one questions it anymore. We are all, every last one of us, doctors, lawyers, writers of bestsellers, passionate well-paid artists, "somebody" by the age of 23, and if we don't turn out that way, well, we just didn't want it enough, did we?

I think it is time for us to realize that if we really want to get as far as we plan to, we are all going to have to get dirty. If we think that we can walk fresh out of school and dazzle the world with our talent in the blink of an eye, we have all been sadly misinformed. Personally, I see a future of waitering, of cleaning toilets, of "would you like fries with that" before I get to the good stuff. And the good stuff may be small potatoes compared to what I expected when I was younger. I am prepared for this. I will do what I have to and I will not pretend to like it, because I have come to believe that if you love something with all of your heart, if you dream about it with a fire that will never go out, this is no guarantee that you will ever be "somebody." But, if you really do love it, it is a guarantee that when the small things come your way, even if they won't change the fact that you're broke or tired or eating leftover Kraft Dinner for breakfast every day, they will be enough to make you truly happy.

There. I said it. Please don't hit me, this is a good thing.

Who the fuck am I kidding.

I meander.
I zigzag.
I get lost on a regular basis.
I have no sense of direction, but I'm still going somewhere.
It would be easy to just point myself towards the west. To get on a bus or a boat, and just go. To say, There. Look. See, I have direction. But, that's not my style. I'd rather sit. And think. And, decide that maybe no direction is the best direction right now, because even if I don't have a goal, I'm working towards something. I might be blindly pursuing vague interests, but at least I'm not standing still.

What do you want to be by the Age of 23? Happy.
What do you want to be by the Age of 30? Still Learning.
What do you want to be by the age of 50? Without Regret.

Life is big, scary, unknown and unrelently. I am small, mostly insignificant, and finite. What of this this will have meaning? I don't know. Will I ever find direction? This really isn't a concern of mine.But, I'm on a path somewhere, and somewhere looks more interesting than nowhere. There's something very intriguing about the unknown.

So, let's get on with it.


3 clever notes on clever napkins

please take this piece of my heart [16 Feb 2004|06:13pm]
[ mood | thirteen ]
[ music | the sounds of a complex mind within an abyss of silence. ]

thank you. i hate you so much, but thank you.

to everyone who has ever been mean to me. i thank you. for anyone who has every doubted me, told me i couldnt do it, made me feel like i should give up, thank you.

for you have given me the will to strive. you have shown that i wouldnt be here, in this moment, without your constant criticism and negative mental filter towards me.

whenever i feel that things couldnt be any more worse then they already are, you showed me that i was wrong.

thank you. i hate you so much, but thank you.

fuck you.

3 clever notes on clever napkins

commerical holiday [14 Feb 2004|02:30am]
[ mood | what do you think? ]
[ music | from first to last ]

"Go friend - out, out! Into the cold! Embrace this moment, this moment, this! The next will be the last, perhaps the end. You have only now, friend, only now to make it count. And do so, for me, if only for me, for he who has lost so much at the service of finding the seconds. I dream of moments like yours, with the anticipation of victory. Find her, love her, and make her yours, and make yourself hers!"

In honor of the coming holiday, I make the following pledge, should I fortunately meet a woman whose heart and attentions I capture:

I pledge to be thoughtless and neglecting; I promise to withhold my feelings and never be communicative. I shall do my best to forget anniversaries and birthdays, and in the event that I do accidentally remember, I will choose a gift with neither thought nor discretion; the woman who dates me should be prepared to receive trashy lingerie that would only appeal to a man with a limited imagination. I will do my best to make ambiguous, maddening statements when I compliment her, and when I *fail* to make ambigous statements, they shall be the most critical, unthinking comments I can make. I also swear that following any of these statements, I will do my best to deny they happened, and to treat her as if she were an idiot for thinking I would have said that.

Furthermore, I pledge to ogle other women, to be pointlessly mean, and to insure that she knows exactly where she stands by comparing her to these other women; not overall, but only on a best-case-of-the-other-woman compared to her own points. I pledge to provide no support, only show her physical affection when *I* need it, and to be suspicious and doubtful at all times, except when I myself require that she not be suspicious and doubtful; additionally, if she shows any signs of suspicion, I will increase the stridency of my denials in direct proportion to the validity of her claims.

I will cheat often and vigorously, to show her that she's wonderful by always coming back to her; I will act most offended if accused of this, and will be deeply hurt if she doubts my sincerity of adoration by cheating on me.

I make this pledge based on a year and a half of observation, and the recognition that i have acted in the completely opposite way and gained nothing in the way of relationships, happiness, or romantic companionship. -- A friend of a friend of a friend.... blaa blaa blaa

happy saint valentines day massacre.

5 clever notes on clever napkins

the message board [08 Feb 2004|02:41am]
so i added a message board to heartcoreclothing.com, and all of you should join. now. and tell all your friends. :)

[message board here]

i hope to see you all there.

2 clever notes on clever napkins

heartless self indulgence [07 Feb 2004|12:30am]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | a thorn for every heart ]

I got thinking about how we never really do anything for ourselves. It seems to me that every single thing we do in our lives, no matter what this could be, is usually for the sake of someone else, and not ourselves.

Yea sure, stop to think about what I just said.

So you just got a nice new clean haircut, makes you feel nice a fresh doesnt it? So why did you get that haircut? Does it make a better draft for your head? More than likely you got that haircut because you thought it looked good. And you think it makes you look damn good also. Honestly though... how often do you see yourself? How often do you think you're going to see that nice new haircut? I mean, you did get it because you liked it right? The truth is you didnt get it for yourself. You got it because you think it makes you look better, to other people of course. The people who are going to have to look at that heard of yours. Everyone but yourself of course.

Now replace haircut with... t-shirt, jeans, sunglasses, telephone, automobile, tattoo, house.

Yea, it all pretty much makes sense. Hell, even food isnt for yourself. Sure you eat to stay alive. You are still human after all. But if you really think about it, you only eat to keep yourself looking good. For other people of course.

Yea so I care, I really do. Im not divine, nor close to being perfect in any way. But it's terrible to knowing that in this one life that i've been given, I seem to be living it for everyone else, but myself. Its terrible to know that every single moment i spend, is probably going to be me trying to impress someone else, in hopes that they will return the favor back. Why the hell do I have to count on other people to do something that I am fully able to achieve on my own? Are we all that pathetic and incapable that we cant do anything for ourselves anymore? Yes, actually.

Why am I even writing this. Hell, Im not writing it for myself. Its for you anyways, right? Maybe it makes me feel better... nah, not really. Im not really getting anything out of this for myself.

This is pathetic. I always love realizations that bring nothing but discourse and angst. Nostalgia again. Over and over. Way Away.

Maybe I need a girl. That will be doing something for myself...right?I think....maybe..not...who am I kidding.

Myself, of course.

more random photography:

5 clever notes on clever napkins

boredom is wasting life away with time, instead of passing time away with life. [06 Feb 2004|10:43pm]
[ mood | completely useless ]
[ music | emery - as your voice fades ]

I am waiting in traffic, I have nowhere to go but I am in a hurry to get there. The cars are not moving. straylight run is playing in my cd player, but I am not listening. The sun is shining bright and the sky is filled with soft white clouds, but I do not see them. A man is walking a dog on the sidewalk, it is sniffing and darting, excited by everything that is around, but I do not care.

I am sitting at home, looking out the window and wondering why I feel this way. There is a tree, tall and strong, gently waving in the breeze, but it does not interest me. There are kids throwing a frisbee in the street, laughing and having a good time, and I feel alone. I strum a few songs on my guitar, but it sounds dead to me now. I want silence, but wait for the phone to ring.

I could probably be at work, getting nothing done. I am sick of being bored but I can't bring myself to do anything. I am sick of people calling but I want to talk to someone. I am sick of computers but I cannot get away from them.

Sometimes, I forget to see the beauty, and how great everything is around me.

Sometimes, I forget that the past and the future are not important as everyone thinks.

Sometimes, I forget to live.

clever notes on clever napkins

sticker. [05 Feb 2004|04:20pm]
[ music | hidden in plain view - 20 below ]

Heres what the stickers are going to look like, and if you are in the street team you will get lots of them.

oh yea, lots of new kick ass designs are coming very soon. so keep checking back for those. And i know a lot of you wanted the other designs that werent produced yet, just wait, those are being made soon enough.

eat your fucking heart out.
5 clever notes on clever napkins

random photography [04 Feb 2004|06:25pm]
[ music | the matches - chain me free ]

my niece:

busch gardens:

thats all for now.
4 clever notes on clever napkins

its everybodys fault but mine [03 Feb 2004|11:59pm]
[ mood | non existant ]
[ music | straylight run - existensialism on prom night ]

so i watched butterfly effect again. and usually when i watch a movie twice in the theatre, then its a damn good movie. damn good.

i started thinking about why i always complain about my life and pretend to truly make myself believe how terrible some of things i go through really are.

then i started thinking about what other people go through in their life, i watch their struggles and see how bad they have it, while i try and compare it to my own. and i dont have shit on them.

i start to realize how fortunate i am to be sitting here, being able to type this, having the intelligence to understand why im even typing this. my parents feed me, they give me shelter, bought me a car, and pay for most of the gas that goes in it, and still, im full of angst, i cant communicate with them, and still believe that i live a pointless existance. no motivation, or perseverance, while i drag myself along.

who the fuck am i kidding? I take this existance for granted. fuck these petty promblems i make seem so much more than they really are. i live a near perfect life, and i dont know it. i still dont know it. i live a near perfect life. im not listening. who cares. fuck off.

this is dumb. im going to laugh when i wake up in a few hours and read this over. laugh it off. its nothing.

just once

id like to walk out my front door, look up at that beautiful sky and tell myself

that i live a perfect life.

5 clever notes on clever napkins

10 Forms of Twisted Thinking [02 Feb 2004|01:40pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | saosin - seven years ]

Sociological Experiment [10 forms of twisted thinking]

The purpose of this experiment is to identify all 10 forms of twisted thinking from 10 different people. Using nuerolinguistic programming tactics, i will determine the best possible result form each form. I will also use each form of thinking myself on 10 different people and record the results, for further research.

alright, enough of that.

There is a self help book titled "The Feeling Good Handbook". Yea, I know what you're thinking: "It's called 'The Feeling Good Handbook'? How fucking lame!" Well, maybe. I wouldn't know, I've only read pages 8-12. But on those four pages is a list of ten forms of twisted thinking; as I read them, I was surprised to see in print the sort of thought patterns that I had been practicing which had led to misery and painful depressive episodes.

here are 10 forms of twisted thinking that you should watch out for:

1. All-or-nothing thinking. "You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure." Engaging in this sort of thinking will often lead to the failure of long-term projects; when results don't roll in right away, you feel completely discouraged.

2. Discounting the positive. "You reject positive experiences by insisting they 'don't count'." This form of twisted thinking "takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded."

3. Emotional reasoning. "You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are." A good example of line of reasoning would be something like, 'I feel so worthless. I must have nothing to offer to those around me.'

4. Jumping to conclusions. "You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion." This form of twisted thinking can be further broken down into mind reading ("without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you") and fortune-telling ("predicting that things will turn out badly" when you in fact have no evidence to support such pessimism).

5. Magnification. "You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings", and/or you "minimize the importance of your desirable qualities". Thus your flaws become food for obsession.

6. Mental filter. "You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water." For example, twenty people compliment you on something and one person has a negative opinion of it; that negative opinion is what you keep coming back to.

7. Overgeneralization. "You see a single negative event... as a never ending pattern of defeat by using words such as 'always' or 'never' when you think about it." For example, when I experience a depressive episode, I will often end up thinking that it will never end, that I will always be feeling this way.And then there are the ones that I have come to think of as 'The Big Three'.

8. Labeling. An extreme form of #1 above. "Instead of saying 'I made a mistake,' you attach a negative label to yourself: 'I'm a loser.'... Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but 'fools', 'losers', and 'jerks' do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem. You may also label others..."

9. 'Should' Statements. "You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be... 'Musts', 'oughts', and 'have tos' are similar... "Should Statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration... Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished... all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite... Dr. Albert Ellis has called this 'musterbation'."

10. Personalization and blame. "Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control... leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. Some people do the opposite, They blame other people for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem... other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back... It's like the game of hot potato-- no one wants to get stuck with it."

I know, I know, some of you are going to find all of this to be mind-numbingly obvious. But someone who practices many or even all of these forms of thinking (and it's easy to see how some of them can overlap with each other to form a near-unbreakable downward spiral of negative thought) on a frequent basis may not be aware that e is doing any of it. To realize that each and every one of these patterns functions to distort one's personal reality in unhealthful ways is the first step towards letting go of the negativity that you may or may not realize is holding you back.

5 clever notes on clever napkins

hc street team [02 Feb 2004|12:17am]
[ music | unsung zeros - miracle ]

Okay heres the deal. A lot of you wanted this started already, so here it goes.

Heartcore Clothing needs a street team. Otherwise known as the promotion team. The team would consist of the people that are chosen by either jim, myself, or the street team leader brittney. The street team is open to anyone from anywhere, but we just want to make sure you have the heart for what we expect.

We want team members to be concert whores. We expect them to know the scene that they are in, know the places to go, and talk to a lot of people. We want them to hand out flyers at every show they attend, give out stickers whenever possible, and any other promotion they feel necessary, that gets the word out.

Street team members will receive discounts on merchandise, and/or other free shit based on the evaluation by the team leader.

If you want to join and help promote heartcore clothing, then leave a comment here, or you can email me at dream@heartcoreclothing.com, or send me an im to dreamacyde.

2 clever notes on clever napkins

[pretend you're not dying inside] [01 Feb 2004|01:34am]
[ mood | 2 seconds better ]
[ music | armor for sleep - kind of perfect ]

be congenial . . . always let the other person go ahead of you in line.

smile when your friend is promoted and you are stuck licking envelopes. bite your lip when your friends talk about things such as happiness and love. Read more poetry. rent sappy movies and watch them when you're home alone, allowing yourself to cry during all the pitiful parts.

attain some sort of balance--be one person here, another person there. force down the bile that attempts to climb your throat whenever you walk past a certain someone. Deny your inner emotions. tell yourself that you are stronger than this, that you can conquer all things, even sorrow.

you won't die inside because there is nothing inside of you. clasp a glass with your shaking hands and refuse to lose.

you will. you can. you have. soon you won't even have to try. soon you won't even have to pretend.

you can look at the most heart-wrenching scene and not even blink now.

death is nothing. lost love is only a fool's wasted time.

you have arrived.

(pat yourself on the back and don't forget to laugh.)



13 clever notes on clever napkins

andnevereververremember [31 Jan 2004|07:08pm]
[ music | a cutthroat kiss - gasoline sunset ]

i guess this is an attempt to let anyone in on information that i feel is necessary to let known.

im 19, which puts me in the pull back, push forward stage of life.
sophomore in college, wasting my parents money away on classes i have no interest in, hoping to move forward with some sort of degree.
I work for a clothing company [www.heartcoreclothing.com]. You can check that out if you want.
I go to a lot of shows, i like a lot of bands, we are all similar in some sense.

i also run a message board [www.saddestboard.com] , which you could check out also. if you want.

If you want more, then ask. communication is important, dont be afraid.

2 clever notes on clever napkins

what are you afraid of? [31 Jan 2004|06:00pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I've grown weary of all the negativity and cynicism coming at me, directly and indirectly, from every direction. Partly because, until recently, a lot of it came from myself. I always told myself I was being realistic, not pessimistic. What do I mean by "negativity and cynicism?" I state it very broadly because in different ways, they affected almost every aspect of my life. I think that my pessimistic outlook on life, judgment of other people, putting down other people, ideas, and ways of thinking, and overall negativity all had some common denominator.

Seeing all the "bad" in the world around me only reinforced this. Watching the daily news and hearing about recent occurrences of murder and rape, having things stolen from me, and seeing such hatred and greed in the world helped me to form my opinion that this world is nothing but shit. I guess it was safe for me to feel this way, thinking that nothing that I did with my life would matter anyway in such a horrible world. Of course, every now and then I would see something beautiful, or witness some act of kindness, that would make me think "hey, the world is a great place" for a day or two... but it was only a matter of time before I'd go back to my previous way of thinking. I'd crawl back into my safe little shell, cutting myself off in a way from all true emotion. Life sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it, I'd think.

Of course, I'd also stopped believing in true love and God about the same time I stopped believing in Santa Claus. No more fairy tales for me. I wasn't going to get duped by any anyone. I didn't believe, and not because I truly didn't believe in my heart...

Then one night, as i was gazing up against the sky I realized what that common denominator was... fear. Most of the reasons I'd given myself for a lot of the things I've done (or not done), and things I did or did not believe, were just conscious rationalizations that were covering up that fear. I didn't have faith in anything, not even myself, because I was scared to believe, scared of being let down, scared of being hurt. I wasn't even searching wholeheartedly for my own happiness because I was thought I'd never find it. Now, I'd rather live the rest of my life being hurt and let down again and again than giving up the chance to find my true heart's longing... whether it be God, love, happiness, peace, whatever.

So, my point is this (yes there is a point!)- the next time you find yourself being very angry for no apparent reason, judgmental, cynical, or pessimistic, ask yourself this question:

"What am I so scared of?"

7 clever notes on clever napkins

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