Queenie's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Queenie

[ website | DramaQueen Productions ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

**Crown Me!**

I know, i know... [12 Nov 2003|11:41pm]
Ok...due to a majorly confused Jaime I must clear up one point: I do not only trust will, becky, and beth. however, on that particular night under those particular circumstances, i trusted only them with that particular information because beth and becky were called to my house by mother and will, using his powers of telekinesis, knew the second he saw me that something was wrong. I wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone else because that would involve rehashing the same story-which i was not yet thru with-over and over all night long.
Now, the reason im ending this journal:
1. im starting to see what nick said about there being too much information on the internet as it is.
2. it's getting too long, and i dont like to keep the same journal for long periods of time.
3. it seems a good enough stopping point, because currently my life, and everything and person in it, seems to be at a turning point.
4. there are people that read this whom i do not wish to read this, and its too much trouble to remeber to put friend blocks on certain entries.
5. and, my most recent point, it's hard to use this as a place to vent when youre sitting on top of a secret...even if katy did pretty much tell everything but the name in her blurty....

so, no, i dont hate anyone and im not mad...it's just that some bad stuff happened and i didnt feel like sharing it right then and there. and now i've got some stuff going on that isn't knowledge for others (ie. those who continue to read my journal against my protest), and im sure anyone can understand that because we all have stuff like that. so maybe i'll start a new one, maybe not. maybe ill go back to livejournal, maybe not. I dont kno.
as for right now...i'm outta here.

See you,
The Queen

**Crown Me!**

[01 Nov 2003|01:38pm]
I can barely take care of myself.

**Crown Me!**

I'm not... [01 Nov 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Last night was very very bad. But I won't discuss it here, because the few people I can trust, at this point, Beth, Becky, and Will, know what happened. The rest don't and I dont know what I'll tell them if I ever do. But last night was bad. Very bad.

"Don't be so in love with yourself cause I'm not Don't you know I'm not And he said, 'I know, don't you think I know?'"
Fast forward a bit, past the bad parts, to me, nick, will, and doug in the parking lot of the Opium Lounge. Nick was dressed up as a gigantic patent leather batman...actually, to me, he looked like a giant condom. Will helped him get in his costume and me and Doug were talking, then this happened....
Doug: Ok, now, do I really still come across as self centered?
Me: Ummmm....
Doug: Ok, now see, we're talking, and we're friends, and we know each other. And if you take out the God omplex and the general crazinmess of myself, come on...am I really that bad a guy?
Will: We did try to hate you...
Doug: Her more than anybody!
Will: Listen, were going.
Doug: Ok. ::hugs will:: see ya later man.
::will goes to close van door, nick hugs me than starts doing batman impersination in parking lot::
Doug: ::hugs and kisses me:: See you later doll, I love you.
::I pull away, stare at hium like he's got 10 heads.::
Doug: I really do, you know.
Me: I know.
::Pause::
ME: I love you too.
Doug: Goodnight.
Me: Nite.

If I could draw pictures in my journal I would illustrate the look on Will's face. I think it was "what the fuck" meets "OHMIGAWD!"

So Will and I left and we talked for an hour or two. The at the end of that, I felt like shit again.
I still do.

Because whatever your doing is stupid and immature and it really is hurting me, so bad that my mom wanted to take me to the hospital last night. So forget it.

This is the last time I will write in this journal.
~Briggy

**Crown Me!**

Just one of those days.... [30 Oct 2003|10:42am]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | going to the chapel-bette midler ]

...where you wake up like it's the first scene of "four weddings and a funeral." (of course inmy life right now its more like "four funerals and a wedding.") anyhoo,. the alarm went off and i slammed it on the floor. "fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfucketyfuckfuckfuck."

in the last three days these are the stores I've been to:
fashion bug
dress barn
lane bryant
sears
kaufmanns
jc pennys
rainbow
t&t new york
bonton
goodwill
amvets
salvation army
davids bridal
burlington coat factory
fashion bug....again.
yes, i bought the dress from the first place i looked. yes, my mother and i never want to shop again.

so this morning I made the sign for the back of the car, and i have to find something old and something borrowed. I have to get the gift and call joe and tell him to be at missy's at 7 sharp. I have to pack my bags and wash my clogthes and then go to the laundromat to dry them. not nessecerily in that order.
i have to remeber to eat and sleep and breathe and take my pills and buy a camera and that this is the precise reason that i do not want to get married...yet at the same time it's the reason I do.
And I have to find mark, and avoid scott.
Grr.

Quotes for Today:

Mark:
"Never underestimate the power of a Dark Clown!"

"You cannot quit me so quickly."

"I wanted to tell him that I would never be sorry for loving him. That in a way I still do- that maybe I will always do. I'll never regret one single thing we did together because what we had was special. Maybe if we were ten years older it would have worked out differently. Maybe, I think, it's just that I'm not ready for forever."

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

"I need a lover who won't drive me crazy."

Lissa:
"I am independant and abusive...stay out of my way..."

"Without ice cream, the world would be nothing but darkness and chaos."

"Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave you."

"I smiled to many people for more than a billion times; but when I first saw you, my heart took over and smiled for the first time."

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look besdies you and your best friend will be there."

"In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, troll dolls, sexism, stupid guys and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?"

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow where they lead."

"I fell off my pink cloud with a thud."

Other Mark:
"The one thing guys just don't understand is that us girls know what's going on."

"He smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system."

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved."

"Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards."

Joe:
"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest SOB in the valley."

"Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door."

"Things sure have changedd here on Walton's mountain."

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

“Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"I do not doubt that I deserve my enemies, but I don't believe I deserve my friends"

"Cause the good old day's weren't always good And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems."

In General:
"Since I got here, I have done nothing but underhanded, despicable, and not even terribly imaginative things."

"The statistics on sanity are that one in every four Americans suffer from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

"When you grow up in America, things like Christianity water down your feelings. When you're taught to love everybody, taught to love your enemies, what value does that put on love?"

"Love isn't perfect, love is just love."

"This is the time to remember Cause it will not last forever These are the days to hold on to Cause we won't although we'll want to This is the time And time is gonna change I know we gotta move some how but I don't wanna lose you now"

"I'm a woman! We dont say what we want! But we do reserve the right to get pissed off if we dont get it. Thats what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary..."

"You can do one of two things; just shut up, which is something I don't find easy, or learn an awful lot very fast, which is what I tried to do."

**Crown Me!**

"Everybody's got a story that could break your heart..." [29 Oct 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | everybodys got a story-amanda marshall ]

"See my bra underneath my shirt,
watch the wind underneath my skirt,
but that aint the picture, it's just a part,
everybody's got a story that could break your heart.
See my eyes, don't see what I see,
touch my tounge, don't know what taste good to me,
the human condition that keeps us apart,
everybody's got a story that could break your heart."

Last night I was talking to my guardian angel.
Yes, I have a guardian angel.
Her name is Chelsea, and I've known her ever since Easter of 1997, when we met at our mutual friend, Sabine's, house. Later we ended up going to school together at Sacred Heart, and she became my best friend, sister, and in some ways, surrogate mother.
And she saved my life, time and again.
But all that's gold dosen't always glitter, and nothing always lasts forever, and soon enough we were fighting each other all the time. So much so that we didn't speak for a year, possibly the year when I needed her the most.
I dont know what went on in her life that year, and she dosent know what happened in mine. But now it's even a year after that, and it's water under the bridge. WHile things are not the same, they are better, and there are moments that I think of her and smile, moments that when I'm with her, it seems nothing changed.

Today was Joe's funeral. And last night I cried. I cried for Joe, I cried for Jaime, I cried for Chelsea and Jessica. Because the people in my life now that understand the bond the four of us had has grown even smaller. Joe knew that Chelsea distancing herself killed me. He knew that Jessica leaving was a tragedy. ANd now he's gone. I cried for his death, because he was, as we all said before, everyone's grandpa. I cried because I had no way of attending the service this morning. Then I talked to Chelsea.
SHe had a quiz today, during the exact time of the funeral. She tried to get out of it. She couldnt. But then my guardian angel did one of those things that makes me hold her in such high regard..."You know what? My english professor once said that you have to go where your heart tells you to. I'll pick you up at 9:30. If i get a 0, I get a 0."
We went to the funeral, and her, andy, and i sat together...i couldnt help but feel like there was both an emptiness and a presence beside me, where Jess shouldve been.
After, we stood around in the lot with jaime and allison bullshitting and talking about joe. We drove home rather quietly.

I got home and sat down, and thought about how scared I was that day after health class, and her and V, kneeling there, handing me tissues and holding my hand, and her taking me to her house and making me dinner, and staying awake til I fell asleep.
I thought about the time that she came to pick me up after my parents kicked me out once, and how we drove for hours with no place to go.
I thought about the night at the hospital, and how she sat there with her arm around me til 4:30 in the morning, then went home, showered, did her homewrok, and went to school to tell my friends what had happened.
I thought about Montreal, and how she hobbled about with a broken toe the whole time, and her birthday party from hell.
I thought about all those endless nights on the phone talking about arson/accomplice and "Merv."
I thought about that senior retreat, when we stood there crying in the cemetery under that tree, and later, when Jaime told her story and me, Chels, and Jess all ran across the room and hugged her, not wanting to let go.
I thought about when I called her and told her I had PCF, and she cried, like I cried when she told me she had it.
I thought about the night we spent at her dorm, laughing like fools til 2 in the morning the night before her first day of classes.
I thought about the lok on her face when I told her Steve and I drove to Bradford and I saw Sabine.
I thought about everything.

Mostly, I thought about how she really was the best friend I ever had.

**Crown Me!**

BEANS!!! BE PROUD!!!! [28 Oct 2003|02:38pm]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | bobcaygeon-tragically hip ]

:::phone rings:::
me: Hello?
Him: Hi.
Me: Who is this?
Him: ummm...who's this?
Me: Brigid. WHo's this?
Him: Good I thought it was your mom or something.
Me: Once again....who's this?>
Him: Who do you think it is?
Me: joe?
Him: Who's Joe?
Me: ....oh.
Him: Hi.
Me: hi.
Him: WHat are you doing?
Me: working.
Him: Me too.
Me: What?? Where are you?
Him: Break room.

( Continued...  )

**2 Pretty Princesss ** Crown Me!**

MARK AND MELISSA....run this by me again: WHY are you getting married on halloween??? [28 Oct 2003|01:26pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | rain-dana glover ]

OY!

So much to do...

Today:
Get bridesmaid dress.
Get shoes.
Call Nicki about ride for tomorrow.
Call Will about ride for tomorrow.
Call Mark and Lissa about friday.
Call Becky about Opium Lounge.
Get Halloween Costume.
Get Pumkins.
Carve Pumpkins.
Call Sahar cuz its her b-day.

Wednesday:
Joe's Memorial Service.
Get stuff for bouquet.
Make bouquet.
Get Bernie b-day gift.
Call Joe about transportation on Friday.

Thursday:
Joe and I take Lissa out.
Get wedding gift.
Frame picture.
See Sahar, give her gift.
Call Becky about ride for friday.
Call Beth about ride for friday.
Call Nicki about gig on friday.
Call Mark about going to wedding on friday.
Call other Mark about being out of the house on friday.

Friday:
Call Mark about wedding.
The Wedding.
Call becky about ride.
Call Jaime about general evening plans.
Call Beth about general evening plans.
MYS at Opium.
Halloween.
Bernie's B-day.
Call Katy about saturdays plans.

Saturday:
Out with Katy to meet her hippie bf and watch wizard of oz while listening to "dark side of the moon".
Call Jaime about bernie's party.

Sunday:
Call Beth and dolores about bernie's party.
Bernie's B-day Party.

Oy. I think the last moments of peace I had were yeterday, watching Bunny color and then going to terripin w/ beth and splitting a pack of cloves.
And now the half-week from hell begins.

**1 Pretty Princess ** Crown Me!**

I got jehovahs witnessed. [27 Oct 2003|06:09pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | why dont u get a job-offspring ]

I believe in choice and I have my own voice.
I will rejoice in my own madness,
your sadness, cleanlieness,
just more pretense,
defense,
you misrepresent at any expense
no commensense.I play politics with critics, and yeah,
I want peace, war to cease, but I have a preist,
and your press release is just paper,
opaque vapor,
and I think God thinks you think you can outhink me
but
truth be we both see that there is no one true what would you do
who's new true blue religion,
it's all just decision,
don't force it on me.
I decree that god and me will have to be going,
see,
cuz bees or trees,
she's there,
in your cars, in your bars,
in your mind all the time,
and I don't need you
and all the things you try to do to remind me.
Because I believe in choice
and I have my own voice.


LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Brig
-- Birthdate: 6/13
-- Birthplace: buffalo
--Current Location: kenmore
-- Eye Color: hazel
-- Hair Color: auburn
-- Height: 5'8"
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: gemini.

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: irish, welsh, quebecois
-- The shoes you wore today:socks
-- Your weakness: i say what i think without thinking....if that makes sense.
-- Your fears: regret
-- Your perfect pizza: cheese
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: if u dont kno this u dont kno me

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: nmu
-- Your first thoughts waking up: pillow.
-- Your best physical feature: hair
-- Your bedtime: b4 the sun comes up
-- Your most missed memory: matthew....

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: mighty taco
-- Single or group dates: doesnt matter as long as your with people you love.
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas---but only cati's bootleg brand cuz i dont go for the whole sneaker labels thing but cati makes adidas be cool.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton
-- Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: either

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: yes
-- Cuss: holy shit why the fuck would you think that i would fucking swear only pieces of fucking shit swear mother fucker <<<

**Crown Me!**

The candy man can.... [26 Oct 2003|03:02pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | the candy man can-willy wonka ]

"Why do me and Nicki have to do EVERYTHING together??"~James

Joe died this afternoon...

**Crown Me!**

I really truly hate you right now. [26 Oct 2003|04:08am]
[ mood | infuriated ]
[ music | i hate everything about you-three days grace ]

"Yeah well, if you recall, somebody put me thru hell for two years..."~Me
"You know you keep bringing that up every chance you get and I really dont appreciate it. It's not over, I just don't talk about it anymore."~Him
"Whatever. Goodbye!" ::slam door::~Me
::screeches away in car::~Him
::Stomps to back door:: Wait...what the fuck is he talking about??~Me

NOT HER YOU SHITHEAD!!! ME!!! I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!

For once in your goddamned self centered misbegotten lookatmelookatme life could u stop for a second, turn thecamera off of yourself, and realize i just need u to put on a fucking fake smile and nod and support my fucking actions like i do for you all the motherfucking time???

I am so sick of fighting with you.
I am so sick of ending up crying because of you.
I am so sick of all of this.

Tonight I gave Dan that letter because he leaves tomorrow. Because if I had to see the look on his face, I would die. If I told him how I felt face-to-face, I would die. He would stay. He has said it a thousand times. You dont know this, you dont know anything, because you never fucking ask.
You never ask about anything.

And now I got up from the computer for 30 seconds and my mother read my goddamned journal.
I hate this. I hate everything.

You don't understand me nick.
I wasnt talking about Tonia, I was talking about the two years of regret that I had with you. The only good part of Molly opening her fat mouth was that she did for me what I was too chicken shit to do on my own.

That's it. I'm miserable. And I think that everyone in my life has lost thier mind. SO IM LEAVING.

**Crown Me!**

Why does my purity level keep dropping? Ok, dont answer that. [23 Oct 2003|11:41am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | bouncing off the walls-sugarcult ]

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
Self-Lovin'40%
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself		 65.1%
Shamelessness40.5%
Puts 'em on the glass		 79.3%
Sex Drive 55.3%
A fool for love, but not always		77.7%
Straightness28.6%
Done the nasty, but not creatively		 45.1%
Gayness 82.1%
Repressed, are we?		 83.2%
Fucking Sick73.5%
Dipped into depravity		 89.9%
You are 53.2% pure
Average Score: 72.6%


riiiiiiiiight.

**Crown Me!**

Grandpa Bill [21 Oct 2003|11:49am]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Is she your girlfriend?"~Grandpa Bill
"She's a bit more than that, really."~Nick

The wake is tonight.

**2 Pretty Princesss ** Crown Me!**

I'm not your babysitter. [20 Oct 2003|06:53pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | science fiction-lil nell ]

How many times have I said those words in my life?
To my mother, to my father, to my aunts, to my cousins, to my friends...

I'm not your babysitter.

I'm so fucking sick of everyone assuming shit.
I HAVE ACTUALLY HEARD THESE THINGS:
"Oh, well, I need someone to watch [insert name: ie. bernie, erin, lonnie, molly, maggie, dominic, jack, dolores, michael, SARAH for gods sake...] so ill just have brig do it."
"I'm bored...brig will entertain me."
"Brigid can fix it."
"Shes the stable one."
"Brig probably isnt doing anything tonight."
"She can make me feel better."
"Brigid will do it."
"Brigid will always be there in the end."

YEAH?! WHAT IF I'M FUCKING NOT?!?!

I was not put here to babysit your goddamned kids for no pay and no thanks, I was not meant to be your own personal clown or therapist or hitman or chef, or maid, or mother, sister, lover, backup, whore, assistant, teacher, muse, or worst of all...
WORST of all...
THAT GODDAMNED TOY ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SHELF!
I will not work in your sweatshop.
I will not do your job for you.
I will not fix your life...have you seen mine lately?!?
I will not hold your hand cuz youre just a little bit scared of the dark
I AM NOT your babysitter,
put out an ad and find someone else because I am retired from this position.

I'm not saying I dont love you all just the same, but this job does NOT give vacation time and I sorely need some. So goodnight.
~Queens

**Crown Me!**

How it feels to feel for you... [20 Oct 2003|02:32pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | walls-tom petty ]

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may
Old time is stil a'flying
for this same flower which smiles today
t'morrow will be dying."
~Robert Herrick

I should have known.
It came to me on Sunday morning, about 11am or so, maybe earlier, maybe later.
Call nick.
One of those very clear messages I get sometimes. Just a quick burst of thought with no explanation that comes and goes and shakes me awake, and leaves me with apprehension and anxietty all day.
But I didnt call. I siad to myself, its nothing, I'll see him later when I go to Spirit and get my halloween costume.
So I go on with my day. I go to katys. bern sells her GS cookies. we all go to spirit, katy thinks she sees nick, it isnt nick. i ask this guy where he is.
"Nick mason went home cuz his granfather died of heart attack this morning."

the rest of the day is pretty much slow-mo.
we leave, katy holds my ahnd all the way to her house. dad and i drive home in silence, i grab a few bucks off his dresser and go get a cup of coffee and a pack of cigs. i walk around for anbout an hour. nick isnt home, neither is joanne. i get back home and kevins there. we eat dinner, sit in the basement smoking in silence. we rent a movie, go to his place, sit around. nick never calls. i go home, take some pills, go to sleep.

no word on joe, i have to go to mr. masons funeral.
cant help but think they go in threes...maybe i should call my grandpa tonight.

**Crown Me!**

Boys of Summer [19 Oct 2003|12:35am]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | boys of summer-the ataris ]

"Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Out on the road today, I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone"

Went out to play pool tonight with Jaime, Steve, and David. Good night, all in all. Lots of singalongs. I must admit that I can't remeber the last time me James and Steve sang boys of summer at the top of our lungs.
"We have to play this song because we sang it every damn night."~Jaime
"Silence!"~Steve
"What, silence? You kno we're gonna be singing it at the top of our lungs!"~Me
"But all conversation must stop!!!"~Steve
"OH! Right, those are the rules..."~Me

Anyway, I heard the song a few times, along with "In this Diary" and it got me thinking about the past year...
October 2002:
Held auditions for WL with Rose, Joyce, and Liz, found out Rose was leaving BET, got lost in darien with kev, jessy, and graham, started fighting with dennis, started class at studio. Became closer with Katy, resolved things with nick, worked things out with Duffy, depression got more severe, got job at Heritage centers.
November 2002:
Started rehearsals for WL, started fighting with Mike, went into counseling with Kaplan, started taking full doses of zoloft, started wearing hairpeices. Celebrated Dolores' 1st. b-day, uncelebrated 3 years, fell for david, started fighting with jessy.
December 2002:
Preformances of WL, the death of lurid, hated jessy with a violent passion, became closer to liz and tam, fixed things with mike, fought with joyce, fought with mckee, ended class at studio, fought with family, started topamax, quit heritage centers.
January 2003:
Katy and Duffy started dating, finished writing LD, got over david, stopped speaking to jessy, fought with kevin, got joyce removed from post, mom went to the hospital, nicks party at his aunts, started working at DC, started seeing dr. dhingra started full dose of topamax.
February 2003:
Had date auction, was snubbed by boy scouts, started seeing dr. ritigliano fell for Steve, rekindled friendship with todd, started pre-production on LD, got jerked around by BET.
March 2003:
Had a really good st. paddys day, got jerked around by BET some more, broke the computer, started provigial, stopped trich.
April 2003:
Continued to be jerked around by BET and BSUSA, the rise of mad yellow sun, started ambien, started sleeping again, lost 25 pounds, started rehearsals for LD, started DQP, katy and duff broke up.
May 2003:
Quit job at DC, the rise of north gate. not much else besides rehearsals and DQP stuff.
June 2003:
Turned 20, more rehearsals, more being jerked around, got over steve, fell for mark for all of fifteen seconds, had summer solstice party, fell for dan, got over dan, had garage sale, had big blow-out with dennis, made out with everyone and thier brother, fought with doug, ended up in interesting situation with doug, fell for doug, fought with mckee...again.
July 2003:
FINALLY preformed LD, "The Dark Time," got over doug, met mark, fell for mark, started dating mark, more rehearsals and general crap and tension, the whole zac fiasco
August 2003:
"The dark time" continued, Katy and duffy drama continued, me and mark drama, fell in love with mark, mark gets in trouble, house sat for beth, fell into deep depression, fixed things with katy, finished writing mental tautology
September 2003:
Lotsa shit with mark, lotsa shit with BET and BSUSA, fell for dan, shit with kate, fought with nick, kevin gets evicted, dennis mends things, hook up with scott, end things with scott, melissa gets married, jaime and andy break up
October 2003:
Dan announces hes moving to arizona, kevin moves to projects, sharon moves to raintree, start taking valium, hair has grown back, joannes getting married and moving to n. carolina, the whole jaime and david thing, 24 hour plays, realized sleep is never an option.

Its been a hell of a year, and thats just the campbells condensed soup version.

**Crown Me!**

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK??? [18 Oct 2003|01:00am]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | nothing ]

So about 30 seconds after I read the line in Cati's entry that had soemthing to do with Mark being an asshole, I get this...

CholesterolKid88 [12:47 AM]: I hate Bridget and so does Zac
Mysticmoon13 [12:48 AM]: can i help u
CholesterolKid88 [12:48 AM]: haha it was a joke
Mysticmoon13 [12:48 AM]: who is this?
Mysticmoon13 [12:49 AM]: i repeat....who is this?
CholesterolKid88 [12:49 AM]: yo mamma
Mysticmoon13 [12:49 AM]: seriously
CholesterolKid88 [12:50 AM]: seriously...its yo aunti gordo
Mysticmoon13 [12:52 AM]: listen...i dont know who this is. but if youre trying to delibretly piss me off, you are deffly going about it the wrong way. i've had a pretty shitty day, and the last thing i need is some punk ass kid fucking around with me so for the last time, who the hell is this, and dont give me some lame psyuedonym, I want the name on your goddamned birth certificate, are we clear?
CholesterolKid88 [12:53 AM]: who are you the friggin FBI
CholesterolKid88 [12:53 AM]: hahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:53 AM]: no, hunni im just the goddamned queen. now how can i help u?
CholesterolKid88 [12:54 AM]: hahaha I doubt you can help me
Mysticmoon13 [12:54 AM]: probably not, mark.
CholesterolKid88 [12:55 AM]: hahahahahahahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: what do u want mark?
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: i havent talked to u in 4 months
CholesterolKid88 [12:56 AM]: a life hahahahhahhahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: well good luck with that.
CholesterolKid88 [12:57 AM]: help me wit it heheheh u kno how hahahhahahahahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: no i dont
CholesterolKid88 [12:58 AM]: well i am still a virgen ya kno so help me get ride of that ahahhahhahahahhahahha ewwww wait noty u n/m
Mysticmoon13 [12:59 AM]: hun, are you high? drunk? just plain crazy?
Mysticmoon13 [12:59 AM]: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOURE TALKING TO???
CholesterolKid88 [12:59 AM]: ok ok ok I am just a lil tired and a lil bored and all that was just stupid bullshit
Mysticmoon13 [12:59 AM]: good.

Mysticmoon13 [12:52 AM]: ZAC
Mysterious1031 [12:53 AM]: ya sweetie
Mysticmoon13 [12:53 AM]: CholesterolKid88
Mysticmoon13 [12:53 AM]: who the fuck is that?
Mysterious1031 [12:54 AM]: the stoner kid from BET ya kno its that guy who left us his name starts wit n m
Mysticmoon13 [12:54 AM]: MARK
Mysterious1031 [12:54 AM]: hahaha
Mysterious1031 [12:54 AM]: ya y
Mysterious1031 [12:55 AM]: omg it is so mark lol y did he im u or somthing
Mysticmoon13 [12:55 AM]: yes
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: he imed me saying that u 2 hated me
Mysterious1031 [12:56 AM]: ok ya sure i hate u the only person i look up too
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: is he drunk/stoned/crazy
Mysterious1031 [12:57 AM]: how bout its mark so he is most likly both
Mysticmoon13 [12:57 AM]: true
Mysterious1031 [12:57 AM]: or all 3
Mysticmoon13 [12:57 AM]: yeah
Mysterious1031 [12:57 AM]: y wats he sayin
Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: what do u want mark?
Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: i havent talked to u in 4 months
CholesterolKid88 [12:56 AM]: a life hahahahhahhahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: Mysticmoon13 [12:56 AM]: well good luck with that.
CholesterolKid88 [12:57 AM]: help me wit it heheheh u kno how hahahhahahahahaha
Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: no i dont
Mysticmoon13 [12:58 AM]: ???
Mysticmoon13 [12:59 AM]: CholesterolKid88 [12:58 AM]: well i am still a virgen ya kno so help me get ride of that ahahhahhahahahhahahha ewwww wait noty u n/m
Mysticmoon13 [12:59 AM]: I WILL CRUCIFY HIM
Mysterious1031 [1:00 AM]: chill Jesus
Mysticmoon13 [1:00 AM]: lol
Mysterious1031 [1:00 AM]: justn dont kill my baby boy
Mysticmoon13 [1:00 AM]: can i hurt him a lil?
Mysterious1031 [1:00 AM]: his my son
Mysterious1031 [1:00 AM]: no not unless its a minor cut thatll go away really soon
Mysterious1031 [1:01 AM]: lol brb

I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

IMPORTANT: Heading them off at the pass:
I have been asked to send out the word so that Jaime dosen't have to. Joe, her grandpa, has been diagnosed with a rare and untreatable form of cancer. the outlook on this is not good at all. it could be anywhere from 2 days to 2 months. jaime chose to have me tell everyone so that a. she wouldnt have to put up with an onslaught of "are you ok's?" and b. if theres a funeral next week no one would jump down her back for not telling them. so i have done my duty.

**Crown Me!**

You cant see the forest from the trees... [16 Oct 2003|02:38pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | diff. drum-linda ronstadt/walls-tom petty ]

Things I remember:
The way that you used to meet the bus everyday.
How cool you thought you were on your new bike.
How you leaped across my porch and hugged me that day.
The way you siad I love you.
"Congregate on the porch" days.
Our own ghetto version of spin the bottle.
Block Parties.
Hanging out my window taking on the phone with you and you hanging out your window so we could see each other while we talked.
Watching Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your bed every tuesday.
Discovering you were the Dawson to my Joey.
Singing Matchbox 20 songs at the top of our lungs.
Sterilizing the red couch.
Hanging out in Kevin's garage all summer long.
The great water war.
Playing basketball after dark in your yard.
Taking walks for hours and talking.
Watching horror movies.
Dancing to Boys II Men.
Digging thru Katie's stuff after she left.
Lying in my driveway looking at the stars.
Trick or Treat peanut butter tradeoffs.
Making fun of anthony and his fleas.
Sitting in my living room when my mom wasnt home watching TV.
Setting up the tent and then rigging it so you couldnt get in the yard.
Playing hide and seek all night long.
Kissing your cheek on the Dombrowski's front lawn.
Sitting with you on the corner while you cried.
Celebrating birthdays at Kevin's.
Rebelling against Sharon, Nancy, Mom, and Rose.
Having singalongs on my front porch.
Being your best friend.

Lyrics that were sent to me today
"Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked
Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
But if I never do nothing
I'll get you back some day
Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down
And all around your island
There's a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain
Sometimes you're happy
Sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky
But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down
And some things are over
Some things go on
And part of me you carry
Part of me is gone
But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down
Baby you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down
They fall down"

**Crown Me!**

survey time [16 Oct 2003|11:22am]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | lose yourself-eminem ]

What is your favorite color hair on a member of the opposite sex?: Brown
Who is your daddy, and what does he do?: jim, and hes a call center manager.
What's your favorite coin operated machine?: the homie vending machines.
Can you sing the speed racer theme song?: yup
What's your favorite old nondisney/nonlooney tunes cartoon character?: captain caveman, hong kong fooey, woody woodpecker
How do you feel about the government?: dont get me started.
If you had one wish, what would it be?: money.
Would you enjoy a riot?: i am a riot.
Is the word "fuck" funny?: no....
What are your feelings on techno remixes?: depends.
Canada or Canadia?: Canadia!!!
Would you rather be canadian or mexican?: Canadian
How much do you weigh?: enough.
Could your mom beat up your dad?: prolly
Spell your first name backwards]: digirb
[The story behind your user name]: i am one.
[How old?]: 20
Where do you live?]: kenmore
DESCRIBE YOUR:
[Wallet]: dont have one
[Jewelry worn daily]: earings, school ring, silver ring from mom and dad, and clauddah ring, black wire necklace with charm from katy on it.
[Shoes]: bitch kicking boots.
[Handbag]: black with pins on it.
[Favorite top]: white tank, pink tank, and black halter
[Perfume/Cologne]: love spell, heaven
[Piercing]: 2
[What you are wearing now]: pjs
[Makeup]: None
[In my mouth]: cigarette
[In my head]: someone
[Wishing]: that things were simpler.
[Talking to]: no one
[Eating]: nothing
[Some of your favorite movies]: so many......
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: the wedding
[The last thing you ate?]: yogurt
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Being alone
[Do you believe in love]: yes
[Do you believe in soul mates]: yes
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: sorta.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Yep
[Do you have a pet]: 2 fish, holden and sparkles
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: Ice cream
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: Guys
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: yeah...
In the last 24 hours, have you:
[Cried?]: yes
[Bought something?]: yes
[Gotten sick]: no
[Sang?]: Yep
[Eaten?]: Yes
[Been kissed?]: yep
[Felt stupid?]: Yep
[told someone you loved them, but didn't?]: I would never tell someone that without meaning it.
[Met someone new?]: Nope
[Moved on?]: Nope
[Talked to an ex?]: Yep
[Missed an ex?]: Yep
[Talked to someone you have a crush on?]: Yep
[Had a serious talk?]: Yea
[Hugged someone?]: yup
[Fought with your parents?]: yup
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with?]: yup

Social Life:
[Boyfriend/Girlfriend?]: i plead the fifth.
[What type automobile do you drive?]: None
[What type automobile do you wish you drove?]: "I'd settle for three wheels and a hubcap."~Aqualina.
Would you rather be with friends or on a date?]: either is good.
[Where is the best hangout?]: I dunno
[Do you have a job?]: yes and no.
[Do you like being around people?]: Sometimes
[Have you known the longest]: kevin and meg.
[Do you argue the most with?]: nick
[Do you always get along with?]: Lots of people, but none of them are really close friends. its not a friendship til after youve had a fight.
[Is the most trustworthy?]: katy, kevin, jaime, sahar, beth, nick
[Makes you laugh the most?]: kevin, nick, dan, dennis
[Has been there through all the hard times?]: kevin, nick, jaime
[Has the coolest parents?]: nick
[Has the coolest siblings?]: umm...
[Is the most blunt?]: prolly james
[Is the smartest?]: prolly sahar or duff
[Who is your role model?]: no one, anymore
[Ever liked someone you had no chance with?] Who hasnt?
[Have you ever cried over the opposite sex?]:yeah
[Do you have a "type" of person you always go after?]: tall skinny dorks with no butt??
[Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you?]: yes.
[Rather be the dumper or dumped?]: neither
[Rather have a relationship or a "hookup"?]: Relationship
[Want someone you don't have right now?]: Yea
[Ever liked your best guy/girl friend?]: yeah
[Do you want to get married?]: maybe
[Do you want kids?]: No
[Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time?]: i think i might.
[What is your favorite part of your physical appearance?]: my face
[Whats your favorite part of your emotional being?]: HA!
[Are you happy with you?]: yeah
[Are you happy with your life?]: Not really

1.) Are you male or female?:

"They hate her when she's beautiful and even more when she's a fool They talk behind her back when it's her birthday Everytime they put her down, she makes a fist and the tears roll down She packs her bags and plans to run away And everytime she makes a friend, the vicous cycle starts again"~Sugarcult

2.) Describe your neighborhood:

"white people are so scared of black people they bulldoze out to the country and put up houses on little loop-dee-loop streetsand while america gets its heart cut right out of its chest the berlin wall still runs down main street separating east side from west and nothing is stirring, not even a mouse in the boarded-up stores and the broken-down houses so they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps just to prove they got no mannersno mercy and no sense and i'm wondering what it will take
for my city to rise first we admit our mistakes then we open our eyes the ghosts of old buildings are haunting parking lots in the city of good neighbors that history forgot" ani difranco

3.) How do you view yourself?:

"To all your friends, you're delirious So consumed in all your doom Trying hard to fill the emptiness The pieces gone, left the puzzle undoneIs that the way it is You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down You are beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring you down Don't you bring me down today..."-christina aguleria
"i took to the stage with my outrage in the bad old days...and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy" ani difranco

4.) If you could say something to the person you like/love, what would it be?:

"Somedays I don't even feel the pain baby, baby Somedays I don't even call your name baby, baby, baby Hear the things you used to say See your clothes, your smile, your face. I'm on my own. I'm on my way. It gets a little easier everyday. Stopped dreaming of your face. Now I don't dream at all. And somedays I don't even think of you at all." -jacksoul
"isn't it just like you to bring me to my knees in my brand new stockings while the cat is out with my tongue isn't it just like you to bring me to my knees in my brand new stockings love makes me feel so dumb" ani difranco
"You better lose yourself in the music the movement, you own it you better never let it go, you only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow this oppertunity comes once in a lifetime" eminem

5.) Where do you wish you were right now?:

"Where's the soul? I wanna know New York City's evil The surface is everything But I could never do that" third eye blind

6.) What would you say to your best friends?:

Beth~"This is stranger than I thought Six different ways inside my heart And everyone I'll keep tonight Six different ways go deep inside I'll tell them anything at allI know I'll give them more and more"-the cure

Nick~"Look at us spinning out in The madness of a roller coaster You know you went off like a devil In a church in the middle of a crowded room All we can do, my love Is hope we don't take this ship down." DMB

Jaime~"Things are never what they seem, I'm stuck inside of someone else's dream. Problems never go away...I'm sick of being caught in yesterday." the ataris

Katy~"i do it for the joy it brings because i'm a joyful girl because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world i do it because it's the least i can do i do it because i learned it from you and i do it just because i want to because i want to" ani difranco

Sahar~"This little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws2 girls together just a little less alone...you were always half crazy, now look at you baby make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme" ani difranco

Kevin~"you can doubt anything if you think about it long enough cuz what happened always adjusts to fit what happened after that and it's hard to feel like you are free when all you seem to do is referee remember when it was just you and me steppin' up to bat?" ani difranco

Dennis~"So, fuck you And your untouchable face And fuck you For exisiting in the first place And who am I? That I should be vying for your touch Said who am I? I bet you can't even tell me that much" ani difranco

7.) Any words of wisdom:

"Let me sleep on it And I'll give you my answer in the morning." -meatloaf

8.) What do you wish you were doing right now?:

"Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind Sleep forever Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time" have u ever-offspring

9.) What do you think of drugs and alcohol?:

"marijuana is everywhere where were u brought up?" eminem
"I love you more than I did the week before I discovered alcohol."~BNL

10.) If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?:

"so don't hang anything on meif you ever want to see it againi am telling you i'm different than you think i am...and life is a sleezy stranger who looks vaguely familiar flirting with a bimbo named disaster at the end of the bar and i am telling you that i am different than you are at night when you're asleep self-hatred's going to creep inand try to blame it on the devil the one who's bed you sleep in and don't tell me what they did to you as though you had no choice tell me, isn't that your picture? isn't that your voice? if you don't live what you sing about your mirror is going to find out i'd like to go to all the pretty parties where all the pretty people go and i ain't really all that pretty but nobody will know cuz everybody loves you when you're a star and nobody questions what it takes to go that far and life is a sleezy stranger and this is his favorite bar no i don't prefer obscurity but i'm an idealistic girl and i wouldn't work for you no matter what you paid and i may not be able to change the whole fucking world but i could be the million that you never made" ani difranco

11.) What do you usually do on Friday nights?:

"Smoke your brand of cigarettes and pray that you might give me a call. I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls. Hang around bars at night wishing I had never been born, and give myself to anyone who wants to take me home..." garbage

12.) Are you for world peace?:

"If i died tomorrow would this song live on forever? and here is my unopened letter to a world that never shall reply."-the ataris

13.) What do you think about school?:

"I wanna run thru the halls of my high school, i wanna scream at the top of my lungs" john mayer

14.) How do you feel right now?:

"I had a friend, he liked to test me, and disregard the rest of me. And another, altho she loved me, she could not help one night but do me wrong. Goodbye I'm leaving now, I'll see you sometime..."~sometime-lizzie west
"I know what all the fighting was for, and I'm not angry anymore."~ani difranco
"i cannot name this i cannot explain this and i really don't want to just call me shameless i can't even slow this down let alone stop this and i keep looking around but i cannot top this" ani difranco

15.) Any closing words?:

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up: These are the best days of our lives.The only thing that matter is just following your heart, and eventually you'll finally get it right." here in this diary-the ataris

**Crown Me!**

Manic [16 Oct 2003|12:53am]
[ mood | moody ]
[ music | amy hit the atmosphere-counting crows ]

"Brigid says she's in hell."~Dan
"I know she is."~Dennis

My shrink put me on a Valium substitute today....fun wow.
It's a shame that I filled it so late tho cuz i really could have used it during my panic attack. It was a bad one today, but thats expected since I havent had one in a while. Went over to Becky's for a bit then to Kevins and hung out with Kara while she cooked dinner and the guys unloaded the car. Today was Dan's friend who died's b-day, so he was all depressed, as could be expected under the circumstances. Kevin never told me that that guy was Dan's best friend tho.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I pissed off Becky but I told her that i really had to talk to kevin, and she was still pushing to leave. I apologized, I owe her one, but still. I'm annoyed that shes annoyed because it really isnt my fault he took an hour to get back to the apt. from the house. I dont know what I'm saying.
Oh yeah.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I've been so down these past few days. Like I said to James, the number of people that I can tolerate right now I can count on my fingers. And it isnt because I don't love all my friends, I just cant deal with the pettyness and the jealousies and he said/she said of it all. Not right now, when I have all that and more to deal with in my life, particualrly certain aspects of which I have kept secret. I've found that when youre keeping secrets the best thing to do is to just avoid the people you dont want to know, otherwise something gets out, even if you dont say a word. I know this because once without even saying anything a secret of mine got out, and I still have not forgiven her. I probably never will, for more reasons than that. But when someone that you dont like and dont trust has something on you you know what real fear is then, because she could use it any way she damned well pleases. And this particular soemone has more than she ever needed on me.
Why I'm thinking of her I dont know. I hate her with the fire of hell, and I have for about a year now. Something about her bothered me, it always did, and it was too late by the time I realized what that was. No, I know why I'm thinking of her, because halloween is apprpoaching, and I saw graham the other night, and kevin moved not too far from her. And with all the secrets and lies floating amongst my group of comrades right now, for some reason it feels almost like she should be a part of it.
On another, somewhat related topic, I miss McKee. She knew me inside and out, better than almost anyone, and its times like these I need her.
Meanwhile...Also in my head is the boy issue. It really makes me wonder if maybe the convent would just be easier. Theres one I miss, one I love, one I probably dont have a chance with cuz hes moving across the country, and I really just dont want this anymore. Everyone keeps keeping things fropom one another and i guess im no one to talk cuz i do it too. but really, i cant play this game any longer. it drives me crazy. Its too much work to try and keep it all up and running and I cant handle it.
My head hurts so much. I just want dad to go to sleep so I can steal some cigarettes.
I cant wait til tuesday cuz jaime is coming over and we are going to eat ice cream and bitch. jaime is one of the people i can stand right now. basicaly, my 5 five best friends and a few others...anyone else, i really couldnt give 2 shits about at the moment. And its not to be mean because i love them with all my heart. its just that to be around me right now would only cause pain and drama, and I dont want to be the reason for all of that. so i think its best if i just hide out here for a while.
Another thing im thinking...i miss him. he was a really good friend to me, and maybe there were times when i didnt quite return the favor as much as I wanted to, or should have, and i feel bad about that. but i miss being able to call him up and say "hey, lets go do something tonight." I miss having someone to talk to about nothing and everything at the same time. Its almost like I forgot how good freinds we were, even tho it was only a few months ago. I dont know...but sides were chosen and it hurt like hell, and i cant change what he thought or thinks or whatever. and i guess in some way i understand. but i miss him.
you know what else? recently ive been getting this feeling that something is coming, I dont know what but something. Quite frankly i hope that it gets its ass in gear and gets here soon, becasue I am so sick and tired of waiting.
I'm always sick and tired of waiting. And soemtimes it seems thats all that I do. But I dont know why people expect me to be so patient when what it really ciomes down to is that they themselves aare impatiebnnt people as well.
SO... now I'm on 8 drugs a day: glucophage, glyburide, zoloft, topamax, ambien, estrostep, claritin and xanax.
I'm a cornacopia of pharmesueticals.
~B

**1 Pretty Princess ** Crown Me!**

Friends [14 Oct 2003|02:48am]
[ mood | touched ]
[ music | somedays-jacksoul ]

JAMES~"And you can always count on me wherever I may be When this world's got you feelin' blue Call on me and I'll run to you My friend I'll be there in a hurry Call on me, time and time again Cause you're my friend" my friend-blessed union of souls

NICKI~"Save your breath, I never listen You think I don't know something's missing But now I'll wait and see How it all turns out for me It's not as painful as they tell you Some success in every failure Now I know I can handle the pain I'll stand here waiting, hope it all happens again" cause for sympathy-blue rodeo
"In all this time, The bottom line's you don't know how much I feel You say you see but I don't agree You don't know how I feel" counting crows

KATY~"And scars are souvenirs you never lose The past is never far Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are We grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believe And reruns all become our history A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio And I won't tell no one your name." name-googoodolls
"Hey my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. Care to share your time with me?Would you say you're feeling low and so A good idea would be to get it off your mind? See you and me have a better time than most can dream Have it better than the best So can pull on through Whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down And if nothing can be done We'll make the best of what's around.Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters, that really matters And hurts not much when you're around, when you're around." best of whats around-dave matthews
"And everything that hurts you Is locked up inside you Like butterflies with wings And other perfect things" counting crows

BETH~"This is stranger than I thought Six different ways inside my heartAnd everyone I'll keep tonight Six different ways go deep inside I'll tell them anything at all I know I'll give them more and more" six different ways-the cure
"I am no Superman, I have no reasons for you. I am no hero, no; that’s for sure. But I do know one thing, Where you are, that's where I belong."-dave matthews
"Caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter and She's never coming back, I fear But any time it rains, She just feels a lot better And that's all that really matters to me"~amy hit the atmosphere-counting crows

SAHAR~"The world begins overflow time has changed the things we know conversations made you turn to this sifting thru the shattered dreams of long and lonely melodies that angels sing to try to find a way memories we now dispose holding onto broken souls waiting in line to see the light of day just because i dont mind being the one left behind i feel your touch and see what's gone away." naked and amused-mys
"Well I woke up in mid-afternoon cause that's when it all hurts the most I dream I never know anyone at the party and I'm always the host If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast Well, I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame If you've never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame And though I'll never forget your face, sometimes I can't remember my name." mrs potters lullaby-counting crows

STEVE~"Someone help me out here please I ain't seen the sun in days The rain is pounding down on me Washing everything I know away Everything I know away When you're walking through the darkness and the path is hard to find A chorus of your enemies is calling to you from the end of time Walk like you don't mind" walk like you dont mind-blue rodeo

DUFFY~"We were a team we were the best of friends we had a world where no one else could find us the summer passed September came too soon and suddenly, that world was all behind us...and we said a lot of things, but we never did say goodbye." say goodbye-amanda marshall
"Someday, when my life has passed me by, I'll sit around an wonder why, you were always there for me...close your eyes and ill take you there, this place is warm without a care...i go to leave but you reach for me" someday-sugar ray

WILL~"Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say, "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way But now old friends are acting strange they shake their heads, they say I've changed But something's lost but something's gained in living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all" both sides now-judy collins

KEVIN~"You are everything you want to be So just let your heart reach out to me Keep my light in your eyes Say goodnight not good-bye" say good-night-beth neilsen chapman
"I stopped feeling good, somehow I just knew I would I guess I'll sleep another hour Feels like I'm wasting my time Hanging on this same old line" something more-train

MIKE~"There's that guy who thinks he's Dylan He plays guitar with the band And he dedicates a song he thinks belongs to you and me He must've seen us holding hands But they don't know We tried to cross that line before But what we have is so much more Cause now you will always be mine." scenes from a coffee house-blessed union of souls

DENNIS~"You came all this way to see me There must be something I should know Did you come here just to leave me Cause I don't wanna let you go I know you need more from me Than I can give so now we'll see If we can get along as real good friends There's no need to say goodbye We maybe better off a real good friends" real good friends-buos
"Get on with it, get on with life. Forget about who's wrong or right. Come out, dance with me tonight, and we'll laugh and forget about it all." only so many- beth neilson chapman
"I was there I was the air you breathe Until you became a big star No need for me Now who you gonna call When nothing's right?" who you gonna call-missy elliot
"Somedays I dont think of you at all."~Somedays-jacksoul

DAN~"It would be great to be so strong, never needing anybody's help to carry on. But we're so scared of the silence, and the language that we use. We're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised. I don't wanna lie about it, I'm not bulletproof." bulletproof-blue rodeo
"So why should you come when I call? I never say nothing at allWhy do I go when I go? It's leaving me here all alone" why should you come-counting crows
"She said "everybody loves you," she says, "everybody cares" But all the thingsI keep inside myself they vanish in the air If you tell me that you'll wait for me I'll say I won't be here I want to say goodbye to you Goodbye to all my friends Goodbye to everyone I know" counting crows

TAM~"Would you like to play With the thought of a friend In a distant passing stage While you lie around With your hands up and out So resigned you will fall down...And I'll be back 'round again Yes I'll walk in time with you old friend And we'll find that place that we danced in so long ago And in plays to write the wire in I'll come back again Torching time talking rhymes in I'll come back again With this resigned the letter I sign"~dave matthews

Im Just Chillen [2:31 AM]: hey
Auto response from Mysticmoon13 [2:31 AM]:"Smoke your brand of cigarettes and pray that you might give me a call. I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls. Hang around bars at night wishing I had never been born, and give myself to anyone who wants to take me home...So no of course we can't be friends, not while i still feel like this."
I'll be back shortly....could deffly use some love if u care to leave it.
Mysticmoon13 [2:31 AM]: hey
Im Just Chillen [2:31 AM]: whats up?
Im Just Chillen [2:31 AM]: y tha sad response?
Mysticmoon13 [2:32 AM]: because im sad
Im Just Chillen [2:32 AM]: ys that?
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: cuz im in a sucky situation
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: again
Im Just Chillen [2:33 AM]: concerning?
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: boys
Im Just Chillen [2:33 AM]: who?
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: this guy i like
Im Just Chillen [2:33 AM]: who?
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: NO not scott.
Mysticmoon13 [2:33 AM]: no one
Im Just Chillen [2:33 AM]: ok...good
Im Just Chillen [2:34 AM]: who is it ?
Mysticmoon13 [2:34 AM]: its not important
Im Just Chillen [2:34 AM]: well im tryin to lend u my ear but u wont tell me anything....so i cant help ya
Mysticmoon13 [2:34 AM]: ok fine
Mysticmoon13 [2:35 AM]: i like this guy and i cant tell him that even tho i promised myself i would always tell everyone how i felt about them before it was too late because once i like this guy named rick and i wanted to tellhim how i felt about him but didnt because it was too late. i never want that to happen again but it is.
Im Just Chillen [2:37 AM]: who is it?
Mysticmoon13 [2:37 AM]: i cant tell you that
Im Just Chillen [2:37 AM]: y?
Mysticmoon13 [2:37 AM]: because you know him.
Im Just Chillen [2:38 AM]: so
Im Just Chillen [2:38 AM]: i aint gunna say anything
Mysticmoon13 [2:38 AM]: how do i know that?
Im Just Chillen [2:38 AM]: cuz im ur friend
Im Just Chillen [2:39 AM]: well?
Mysticmoon13 [2:39 AM]: guess
Im Just Chillen [2:39 AM]: graeme
Mysticmoon13 [2:39 AM]: if youre right ill tell u youre right
Mysticmoon13 [2:39 AM]: no
Im Just Chillen [2:39 AM]: kevin
Mysticmoon13 [2:39 AM]: HELL NO
Im Just Chillen [2:39 AM]: dan
Im Just Chillen [2:40 AM]: dan
Mysticmoon13 [2:40 AM]: perhaps....
Im Just Chillen [2:40 AM]: so its dan?
Mysticmoon13 [2:40 AM]: yeah
Im Just Chillen [2:41 AM]: u do know that hes movin to arizona rite
Im Just Chillen [2:41 AM]: ?
Mysticmoon13 [2:41 AM]: YES. therein lies the problem
Im Just Chillen [2:41 AM]: so in reality....theres really nothin to stress over
Im Just Chillen [2:41 AM]: unless u liked him way before
Mysticmoon13 [2:42 AM]: i liked him before i knew he was leaving.
Mysticmoon13 [2:42 AM]: before he knew he was leaving
Mysticmoon13 [2:42 AM]: so it sux
Im Just Chillen [2:43 AM]: well, then its ur bad for never saying anything
Im Just Chillen [2:43 AM]: not to be mean
Mysticmoon13 [2:43 AM]: i kno...but hello?? Mark came along, and then i kinda just pushed it away.
Im Just Chillen [2:44 AM]: oh yeah....well think of it this way....at least u didnt get with him before and then have to end cuz he was movin.....that would of made u even more sad
Mysticmoon13 [2:44 AM]: true
Im Just Chillen [2:45 AM]: hey, how much did kevin drink saturday?
Im Just Chillen [2:45 AM]: he was pretty fucked up
Mysticmoon13 [2:46 AM]: oh my god.....he puked all over joannes bedroom
Im Just Chillen [2:46 AM]: her bedroom?
Mysticmoon13 [2:46 AM]: yeah
Im Just Chillen [2:46 AM]: what was he doin in there?
Mysticmoon13 [2:46 AM]: sharon had to do the laundry and clean the carpet
Mysticmoon13 [2:47 AM]: thats where nick put him
Im Just Chillen [2:47 AM]: was he pukin in his sleep or somethin
Mysticmoon13 [2:47 AM]: yup
Im Just Chillen [2:47 AM]: nasty
Im Just Chillen [2:47 AM]: o well
Mysticmoon13 [2:48 AM]: yeah
Im Just Chillen [2:48 AM]: someone put a hole in my wall
Mysticmoon13 [2:48 AM]: wtf???
Im Just Chillen [2:50 AM]: when is dan officially leavin?
Mysticmoon13 [2:51 AM]: i dont kno
Mysticmoon13 [2:51 AM]: he dosent know
Im Just Chillen [2:51 AM]: o ic
Mysticmoon13 [2:52 AM]: this sux.
Im Just Chillen [2:53 AM]: dont feel so bad
Im Just Chillen [2:53 AM]: i havent had a girl since..........damn, since christina
Mysticmoon13 [2:54 AM]: relationships suck.
Im Just Chillen [2:54 AM]: well, christina was the only real relationship ive been in.....only one i cared about
Mysticmoon13 [2:56 AM]: yeah...mark was the only relationship i cared about, really. the other boyfriends were there just for the sake of them being there. mark was the only guy i cared about that i really dated.
Mysticmoon13 [2:56 AM]: so i know what you mean.
Im Just Chillen [2:56 AM]: good
Mysticmoon13 [2:56 AM]: but he wasnt to me what christina was to you.
Im Just Chillen [2:56 AM]: thats tha first thing i said about christina that u agreed with me on
Im Just Chillen [2:57 AM]: in that u didnt love him?
Mysticmoon13 [2:58 AM]: i did. but there are guys i havent had relationships with that i loved more
Im Just Chillen [2:58 AM]: o
Mysticmoon13 [2:59 AM]: i mean, despite all the shit that happened w/ u and chris, i could tell you loved her
Im Just Chillen [2:59 AM]: i somewhat still do.....
Mysticmoon13 [3:00 AM]: i know
Mysticmoon13 [3:00 AM]: i know how that is too.
Im Just Chillen [3:00 AM]: but i know there is nothing i can do to make it right again...so i dont get all sad...and u shouldnt either
Mysticmoon13 [3:00 AM]: yeah
Mysticmoon13 [3:01 AM]: its still a depressing thought
Im Just Chillen [3:01 AM]: i know
Im Just Chillen [3:01 AM]: just gotta deal with it
Im Just Chillen [3:02 AM]: dont get me wrong.....if i ever had the oppurtunity to make it right with chris again...i definatley would
Mysticmoon13 [3:03 AM]: i've loved 4 men in my life...i think that only two of them i REALLY loved, and somehow I always will....and eventuallly i accepted that I could just take what they were in my life and not try for anything else. even if i knew i would always love them. but once you accept that it cant all be taken back...you feel better
Mysticmoon13 [3:03 AM]: i think this is all just another thing I'll have to live thru
Mysticmoon13 [3:04 AM]: and i know you'd fix things with chris in a heartbeat. she was your first love, and you never forget that.
Mysticmoon13 [3:04 AM]: even if you try to.
Im Just Chillen [3:04 AM]: u got that right
Mysticmoon13 [3:05 AM]: you know its funny cuz right before you signed on i was thinking about how much shit had changed since "that time"
Im Just Chillen [3:05 AM]: yeah i know....dont get me started
Im Just Chillen [3:06 AM]: quotations meaning christina rite?
Mysticmoon13 [3:06 AM]: lol....the other night i was in your kitchen in the doorway to the hall and i was leaning on the cupboard and i thought to myself..."this is how i ALWAYS stood in dennis' kitchen, everytime i came over, waiting for him to get out of the shower or something."
Mysticmoon13 [3:06 AM]: yeah
Im Just Chillen [3:06 AM]: lol
Im Just Chillen [3:09 AM]: well, im bout to go to bed...but im sure i'll talk to u tommarow
Im Just Chillen [3:09 AM]: and dont be sad anymore
Im Just Chillen [3:10 AM]: ttyl
Im Just Chillen [3:10 AM]: ok then
Mysticmoon13 [3:11 AM]: ok nite.

and he wonders why.
why i always told him to call.
why i got mad when he didnt.
why i got mad when he went away.
why i needed him so badly junior year.
why there were things i could only talk to him about.
he wonders why.
because he was more than my first love, he was my best friend, and anyone who knows me well knows that I need that boy in my life more than almost anything, no matter what happened in the past.
because sometimes, he was the only one i needed, and i wanted to keep that line of communication open.
because i'll love him til the day i die.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]