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dragontail's Journal
you happy about it?
now i know it doesnt really make any sense to try and update my site seeing that i havent been here for long and who knows when i´ll be here again... if ever
life just went on. nothing breathtaking happened and to be honest, yes, a zillion things have changed in my life but i guess it just doesnt make any sense to try and talk about things that are in the past and dont influence the future in any way... guess i should rewrite my blurty account. i´ve decided to my my secret diary public. (in spite of my not very good feeling about the grammar errors i usually make)
i´ll try to make it short
1. prof S is still annoying us. she´s got an alcohol problem most probably. you can´t imagine how it stinks in the whole classroom after a lesson with her. and the last test she made us write was truly funny. "valvole a nido di rondine" was some thing we were suppost to write about (amongst other things). but no one has ever heard her speaking of that! two weeks after the exam has taken place did she only tell us what was that thing about. cute she had made us write about things she taught us in the future. nice. but today she has been an angel. i admit it
2. universities. yes, i´ve post some applications letters with cv and so on. business, marketing, economy and so on. and english and italian culture and language. hope i´ll be able to get SOMEWHERE
3. daniel has become my official boyfriend for a few days. then i´ve told him it was no use since i was still thinking of alex... i hurt him much. quit writing his lovely replys on skype. and some weeks later quit skype altogether. said it had done him only harm and now he wanted to live a bit of real life. and he was right of course. though i miss him a lot. think i´ll write him a letter soon
4. alex. yes, i´ve asked him not to write anymore. had that "affair" with dani... and started writing to him again. he seemed happy i didn´t forget him yet. but he told me he didn´t want anything else apart friendship and i agreed. i try to force myself to think of him only as a friend. recently i had a very unpleasant chat with him... he was irritated for his reasons most probably and i was for mine and so in some way it just didn´t end very well. i´ve written him a mail to apologize to him and explain my point of view. that was yesterday. i didn´t get a reply up to now. but that´s only normal
ok. gotta go. finished my written final exams at school today... i´m going out with a couple of classmates. tell you more about the exams as soon as possible
and RELAX people. i have nearly killed myself with nervousness yesterday... had my maths exam today... i´ll tell you later about it. alessandro is writing me on skype... need to reply.. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
p.s. to last entry
of course daniel was right by saying that i kind of like torturing myself with that alex story
why does it always have to be someone else to tell me what i should think and know?
i´ll stop right now with that. and ask alex not to write to me anymore
sure i don´t want to lose his friendship, and yes, one day i would like to meet him, but i just need to interrupt the communication right now. it´s no good for me if i alway wait for some emails (that will never come) like an idiot. i just won´t be sitting by the inbox anymore, but i will continue dreaming to see him one day
the end
sometimes life is really strange... with all it´s twists and turns, unexpected changes and hidden surprises. i wonder who´s the one that´s resposible for all of this
according to one of my former theories, Fate is only trying to keep Himself amused. but in spite of this He doesn´t want to lose His marionettes, so He sends only the amount of bad luck that we can cope with...
take my granfather, for instance. he´s had a quite exciting and complicated life. i admire him a lot. but his life hasn´t been one of the easiest ones. and i´m totally sure that with all the illnesses he has, he would have been dead by now if he hadn´t been a doctor during his working life and hadn´t learnt how to combine all of his medicine.
and then, on the other hand, there´s my hypochondric aunt who´s terrrorized to death by a common flu. now i´m sure if she ever got seriously ill, it would definitely kill her. the mere thought of an illness would be enough to finish her off.
and me? well, i never have the time to be properly ill or have financial problems because i´m too occupied being depressed. and that´s completely enough for me.
if there´s a person with sentimental problems, ok. but try to imagine a person who has never had a relationship who´s totally depressed by her two non-existent affairs. yes, that´s me. pleased to meet you. no, i don´t have mental problems. my illness is far worse. it´s called skype.
first of all, my message to save the population of planet earth is: for heaven´s sake don´t EVER fall in love on the internet with someone you´ve never met. and if you do, you´re an idiot. there isn´t another way to explain it. believe me. i know what i´m talking about.
it all began in february. when i left my note at an international penfriends site. and soon, many people have written to me.
i started exchanging email messages with many people from all over europe and america. short stories, mostly, i never had anything in common with any of them. there were some really friendly guys such as giancarlo and giorgio and giuseppe but i quit writing to all of them sooner or later.
and then there was alex. no words can ever explain what i have felt for him. i will never forget him. but i seems i just wasn´t good enough for him. he never took me seriously and never paid attention to the things i was saying. i´m truly sorry about that. i will never stop wondering what could he be like in real life.
i loved him. and hated him. he taught me that these two feelings aren´t as different as i thought. never got to meet him. he just wouldn´t come. and i couldn´t go. it´s the perfect example of tragic love.
do i still love him? yes i do. and it think it´s never gonna end
how do i get on? badly to be honest. when i´m awake i´m daydreaming him and when i sleep he often comes to make my dreams uneasy. i loved him! i adored him! one whole year of my life has gone past and i´m still thinking of him.
he´s perfect! he truly is. his only fault is that he doesn´t think i´m perfect for him. and he never will, or so it seems.
yes, it might be true that the few lines of email he sends me every now and then would be enough for me if i could see him as a friend. but i can´t! and those lines aren´t enough! they´re killing me. they´re killing my soul from the inside.
oh, if i only could break free from him! only if i could! but it´s no use. he´s stolen my heart and my soul and now they belong to him. and i can do nothing about it.
i want to move on. leave the past behind. let it be. but i cannot. if only i could hate him. i do, now and then, but in the end i always forgive him, in some way. he´s killing me. but at time i think i want to be killed. without him it´s better to be dead than alive. i lost all my sense for judgement. i don´t want to live without him. my destiny is still in his hands
then there´s daniel. my new friend on skype. he´s saving my life. and he´s so cute. and a gentleman. and he´s so nice to me. so incredibly sweet. i adore him for all the kindness he has to give. he´s my angel. and always will be. he´s always there for me when i need him, he listens to me happily and sometimes i get the feeling he´s reading my thoughts....
and i would like to love him. to pull myself lose from alex. to be in love again. to be free.
but i´m just unable to. i know that, materially speaking, a future life is terribly unsure with him, but he „loves“ me. and that is what i need more than anything else right now.
but neither of them is here! and probably they never will be. so on the whole, whatever i do, it´s just no use.
i want to be loved. it´s so long ago that i felt love from someone. i´m on the verge of believing that i´m not really made to be loved. i´m made to be here. for others. but there´s no-one to be here for me.
i´m lonely. so terribly lonely... it´s becoming unendurable. it´s just too much for me. at times i really think alex has stolen not only my heart but also my mental sanity...
Life is absurd. I mean, what are we here for? I could look for the answer in religion, but that isn´t the right thing either. Religion is only about giving people something to believe in. It isn´t a solution to the problem. It tells us to live our lifes as well as possible and believe there is a better world somewhere out there waiting for us. But I cannot say I´m really satisfied with being told only to live „well“. What is well? Everyone of us has a different point of view, different wants and needs and so it is completely impossible to summarize life as a whole and find a global life aspiration when it is clear that so such thing can be achieved. Life is something special and I´m convinced that there is still a lot to find out about it. However, I am also quite sure that this, meaning to find out, is completely impossible.
Another darling day of my exciting life is running past me and I can´t do anything but watch it slowly disappearing in the veil of the Past leaving a now fresh, though still slowly disappearing, memory of boredom, cold, fever and flu.
so... here i am. it´s 11:42pm and i´m writing my blog.
there´s nothing better to do. i´m at our cottage in donovaly, as always with my parents and sisters and some family friends. some of them are sleeping right now. the others are watching tv. or at least they´re trying to do so. there really isn´t anything to watch. here, in central slovakia, we have only the slovak channels, all of us being too lazy to find out how to get more than three channels into the box... so, in fact, i have no reason to complain, should be happy that we have at least those three of them... but the program in all of them is so boring that you might consider it torture to watch it...
you´re lucky, all of you, that you aren´t here with me... i´m not the one who´s complaining, trust me, you should hear the others... with their sarcastic remarks... i would prefer to turn off the television and try to survive the remaining six minutes in peace and quiet. but no, the screen must simply stay on, everyone has to say how bad it is and my Big Sis has to change channels every 3,24 seconds...
so...i´m just happy that i can force the headphones on my head and listen to negramaro with maximum volume... better than nothing, anyway....
be right back... countdown is running... seven... six... five... four... three... twooo... you know what
a strawberry champagne, a semi-headache and a few minutes later... yes, charming smiles, yes, i wish you a happy new year as well, thank you. some youngish people invaded our front garden to shoot off fireworks... a great deal of fire works... when are they going to stop??? family friends went to see the spectacle to the great parking lot in front of old hotel vesel. i prefer not to go... some years ago the fireworks got out of control and fired in the wrong direction... dangerous stuff... thank you... i prefer to keep my face as it is.... i´ll burn it another time if it´s ok with you.
well, yes, i admit it, i enjoyed some seconds of it. to see all those happy faces of the strangers... felt happy myself for a moment...
my new year´s resolutions? not to be in donovaly next year and spend these moments with friends instead of family members...
so... it´s been „tomorrow“ for more than half an hour now... i watched the boring programme to wait for this moment, i wished a happy new year to everyone present, phoned grandfather, tried to phone alex, didn´t succeed, wrote him a text message and got a reply... i got a reply! now i can go to sleep happily :-)
and david phoned me right now!!! never got a more pleasant surprise for new year...
am i truly having the happy year i´ve decided to have? it seems so! alex send me a message, david phoned me, i wonder if sandro has sent me an email? got no internet here... i´ll find out tomorrow...
is it possible that things could go better? i don´t think so :-)
so gooodnight! and happy new year!!!
but hey, see you next year! :-)
i have done a lot of thinking, lately, about life and so on... non in general, i had done that years ago, but my personal things. i have come to some startling conclusions
one: i have to wake up! seriously... lately i have found out that i´m tired because i´m nervous all the time and i can´t study when i´m tired and i can´t relax because i´m nervous and so i´m tired. AND i´m nervous because i can´t study :-))) you understand? fine situation i´m in right now. anyway i´ll try to study during the christmas holidays... hope i succed... and if i do, i won´t be nervous in january, so i will be able to study and having done that i won´t be nervous any more and i´ll be able to relax so i won´ t be tired anymore :-) easy solution, isn´t it? (but as a matter of fact right now i´m writing my diary because i don´t want to study and i´m tired so i won´t study and in the evening i´ll have a maths lesson and i´ll be damn nervous there...)
two: if i don´t get myself to think i´ll ruin my future life most probably. i have two weeks to decide which university to go to and i still don´t have the slightest idea...
three: i hate christmas and birthdays. nonsence, all of it. ...force someone to buy presents... why can´t i give gifts when I want to?! and i still have no present for my alcoholic grandparents... i´ve bought some silk, though. guess i´ll color a tie for gradpa and a scarf for grandma and if they won´t like it their problem. and don´t tell me i´m mean to them... (hey guys, speaking of presents, what have you bought for your family members? i need some inspiration for next year)
four: next year is going to be truly difficult. the final exams at school, the admission exams for university, the exam to get my driving licence and i should probably find i job next autumn... wish me luck! (and how about your plans for next year?)
five: no thoughts about potential new boyfriends until the end of the summer holiday. i have to pull myself together. and i´ve got no spare time to lose thinking about things like this... but that´s easier said than done...
there´s a lot of things in my life i´d like to change... do something to be happier... try not to preoccupy myself so much about my future... try to find some new friends...
finding friends shouldn´t be that difficult at university... all of my friends in bratislava are my classmates, and the few friends outside bratislava are just people i know from the past... people whose friendship i cling to... people i have nothing in common with. there are six people in my class whose friendship i don´t want to lose, mainly because THEY consider ME a friend. but i think that i will lose all of them but two. and i hope they know who i mean.
friendship is a very fragile thing. i don´t complain about the number of friends i have but i feel things might be different.
i lost all the friends of my childhood. the ones i played with while still living in nove zamky. i haven´t seen them for years now. and i don´t miss them. they are a part of my childhood and have nothing to do with me as i am now.
then there are my ex-classmates from upper elementary school (we were at school together when i was 11-15 years old) i don´t talk with my ex-best friend anymore. she´s a completely different person now. and i don´t talk to another of my friends from this time, the rebellious ria, an interesting person indeed, but we don´t have anything to talk about... except for discussing the past. and there are other two girls i´m still in contact with... but i´ve promised them to go out with them about two months ago and we still haven´t called each other to arrange the meeting...
and the same thing will happen after next summer. i won´t meet my actual classmates anymore. and i won´t have the need to talk to them because during the last five years we were just speaking about teachers and school in general. there are two girls who are my true friends and i guy i´ve been kind of in love with for nearly three years... but now that i´m thinking about it i guess i´ll talk to him only on skype in the future. i´ll prefer not seeing him anymore if not necessary...
enough said. but these are the thoughts which i can´t eliminate from my mind the last weeks... i hate changing things but some changes are vitally important... and sometimes i´m sad that i don´t feel for my friends what they feel for me. and a lot of my acquaintances call me "friend". that´s sad as well. and some of them call me "best freind" when all that i really do is having pity on them and listening to their problems...
now it´s me who´s talking too much :-) i should go and study a bit now...
but first let me wish you a merry chistmas and say that i hope you will enjoy the holidays (if you have some)
and i want to wish an exceptionally beautiful christmas to my best friends who i meet only in the internet, that is Nate and Alex
sooooo. "read you" again next year... take care... and don´t eat too much ;-) byeeeeeee
and don´t read to much. causes mental illnessesssss
just wanted to say "hi" to the people who´re reading this right now... i know the blog is ugly and the things i´m writing about are annoying but you´re my friends and if you won´t forgive me, no one will
hey, i´ll abuse of this site for the first time. anyone of you has any suggestions concerning the selection of the perfect university for me? (joking) i still don´t know where to go... how terribly indecisive i am... gosh, what a shame! (blush)...
there´ll be no discussions about the meaning of life right now.. but i promise i´ll do some of that during the holidays. but in case you want to know the answer to the question "what´s the meaning of life, the universe and everything" you should read some douglas adams books, the hitchhiker´s guide to the galaxy, for instance... he´ll tell you the answer is 42. it´s comforting to know that, isn´t it?
gotta run. maths lesson tomorrow. probably... that reminds me i should call my teacher... uhm... too late... so... no maths lesson tomorrow. but philosophy for a change. changes are important. pantha rhei. you know that. don´t you...
i adore this nonsence. have decided i´ll write down a quotation of some ancient philosophers every day. in latin. all of you know latin, right? :-) oh god, how dull i am today... better stop writing here...
no, honestly, i hate x-mas
the festival of hypocricy - that is what i call it
still don´t have a present for my mum. and don´t have time to buy it... damn
the last thing i need is christmas... well, guess i´ll survive it this year as well
didn´t write for a long time. sorry. had a lot to do. to be honest i still have too much to do but right at the moment i need a break. i´ll possibly go to sleep in half an hour. i can´t see the point of forcing myself into existence when my mind is already asleep
but there´s one thing i need to say: there´s a person who annoyed me a great deal today... prof S. my classmates know what i´m talking about. we had to write a test. and were divided into two groups. group A got all the good questions, the ones we talked about the most, the long ones, the ones i knew best and group B got all the rest. the not-that-important things. the short and complicated things. there truly wasn´t anything to talk about. and i´m totally convinced she gave us questions we have no notes about. believe me, she even tried to ask us a question we have never studied about!!! sure i was group B. high time to ruin my good marks at school. the end of the semester is coming. time to improve the grades. which in my case means: time to ruin all
i wish YOU luck to survive these days... christmas is approaching. it´ll be here in no time. you bought your christmas presents, yet? haha. evil question... never mind. byeeee
sometimes i´m afraid of drowning, though
do any of you know the feeling when life just washes by like an ocean wave, never changing anything, except for leaving a faint trace of it´s gone existence on the seaside? i get the feeling that´s just what i´m living right now. i sleep and breathe and eat and study and watch the days go by, one by one, never getting to grasp reality, getting more and more drunk with literature and virtual life. i don´t have time to go out with friends... my studies consume my whole time... the worst thing is that the time of choosing a university is getting nearer all the time and i still don´t know which route to follow in my future life. it´s no use giving in to my passion, which is italian literature, how could i ever make a living with that? but if i don´t follow my heart what else can i follow? surely i cannot choose the best profession, "best" meaning the one that will provide me with lots of money... money isn´t happiness. and i guess if i make anything wrong now, in this life, i won´t get another one to correct my mistakes.. i have to choose NOW. and i have to take the right decision. but which one is it - i cannot tell. i would love to be a teacher. teaching is the one thing i do best. i am patient and i listen to people. this is important. and i don´t have the faintest idea of how other professions work. is this the way i have to make the final decision? is this fair? has life ever been fair to anyone?