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Jessica

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Hello long lost journal [25 Apr 2009|04:14pm]
I feel the need to explain this entry. I am now dating Ryan. He's the most wonderful person ever. I like him very much and he's leaving for Iraq in August and I am leaving for Seattle in August. We've been having the time of our lives for the past two months or so. And that is the back story.



I feel the need to vent, but I'm afraid it will only make me sad. Ryan goes on active duty on May 18th and then leaves for Lejeune a week after that. I feel like I'm already saying goodbye.

You know I should note, that these posts, this one and the one about Dismantling Christianity, they sound sad, but really I'm having the time of my life right now. It started with Ryan setting up his one person tent in the back yard and then we spent three hours setting up his hammok (one person also I might add... I think there's something psychological that all his gear is one person...) all the while drinking beer and then somebody said let's light a fire! So Ryan his friends Michael and Tara came over and we finished off the beer and had a tiny bonfire in his backyard downtown Greensboro and roasted hotdogs. Did I mention he lives a block from downtown? It was amazing. I'm having the time of my life right now.

He visited the store the next day and we were supposed to eat lunch together but he got waylaid and my lunch ran out before he could get there. He sent me a text later that said he missed me and I couldn't bring myself to send something back because it made me so sad. I'm not going to be getting any "I miss you" texts when he goes away.

This is all so shitty and such bad timing. Now that I've fussed and we've talked about it, neither one of us can ask for commitment from the other. We're both leaving...

I just can't get my mind around leaving North Carolina. As much as I'm looking forward to moving to Seattle it all seems a little like a dream to me. I guess I need to just look at it as a very long visit. At least I won't be here missing him and working at the place I met him and driving by the Bicentennial Gardens and the Bog Gardens and every other place we've been out together.

I imagine my phone bill will be very large when I move out there. Every one of you will be getting calls from me telling you how miserable I am without you all. At least I can stay in touch with you guys. Maybe it won't be as hard as I think it will.

I just wish I could tell him I love him before he goes.
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[23 Aug 2008|02:35am]
P.S.

I felt really old tonight.
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[23 Aug 2008|02:33am]
Sami and I should get drunk together more often.

That is all.
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[17 Aug 2008|10:01pm]
What is the real point in me posting on here? Spite? Lonelyness?

Do I really need to talk something out with myself here?

No.

Maybe, it was a mistake.

It was the worst timing in the world, is what it was.

And now I'm left in limbo.

Yes, I'm posting this here hoping you will see, kicking myself knowing that others will see and I will have to explain. Knowing you have enough to think about. So do I. Thanks to this - was it a mistake?

I've come right to the edge of something I can never - can't - won't - admit to.

...and you're gone...
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My new job. [16 Aug 2008|08:31pm]
[ mood | amused ]



You Are 24% Girly



You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit.

Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.




Why is her head under a faucet? Can I wear boy shorts now without mom making fun of me?

Today was the second day of base camp training at REI and we got up early to go clean up the bog gardens. I thought this is going to be fun! Yay! I was excited. So, we get there and we pick up trash along the trail until we get to the lake. So, the lake's been drained for maintenance and we all hop the railing and go picking up the cans and trash nobody saw before because they used to be under the water line. Well, Scott's way out wearing his fancy gortex boots and I'm like whatever I'm wearing sneakers and I'm a little lighter than him I'm going for that can on the mushy part. So I do.

BAD IDEA.

Can I say it again? Bad idea. I ended up sinking up to my theighs in muck. And this stuff stank something foul, let me tell you. First it was only one leg stuck and I maybe could have minimized the damage by just staying put, but I tried to climb out myself and got the other leg stuck. So they ended up dragging me out on my tummy. I was so covered in muck! It was gross.

And absolutely hilarious.

Don't worry, Strayer got pictures.
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On last night's date with Ben King... [22 Jul 2008|08:34pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Tom visited last night. He proceded to hit Ben over the head with the frying pan of doom, which subsequently turned Ben into a giant Poached Egg, picked up my bruised ego dusted it off for me and handed it back. Before we left I said to Ben,"Ben I think I might be willing to have coffee with you again if you can change back into a human, but until then I think I'm going to hang out with my imaginary boyfriend Tom. Thanks for paying for my movie. You shouldn't be so afraid of people." And with that Tom and I walked off into the sunset, holding hands.





And that's how I feel about men right now.

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[14 Jul 2008|08:36pm]
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I GET TO PLAY WITH PETER PERRET!!! *dances around like a crazy person*
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Class of 2008 Scorpion [13 Jul 2008|08:37pm]
[ mood | sad ]

So last night I missed Salem more than I thought possible.

Dr. Shulstad was at the Rachmaninoff/Cecile Licad performance and came up to the stage during intermission and caught my attention while I was rearranging the viola section. I ran down to the edge of the stage to give her a hug and have a short chat with her. I asked her if she was going to stay after the concert was over and she did and we talked more, of Jackie's job and what I was going to do with my life, how *my* job was going. I was really surprised at myself at how happy I was to see her. She really did some not nice things to me during this past semester and I was still angry at her by the time graduation rolled around.

But she's part of Salem and she's part of the time I spent there and I never realized how desperately I miss it, how I'm not going back after EMF. She hugged me twice and told me if I ever need a recomendation to let her know. I think she missed me too, as funny as that would be.

We had a strike that night for the piano recital today and as we were preparing the stage to move the acoustic shell one of the students got up on the piano and was playing this beautiful melodic thing that really was perfect. I didn't even realize that it was them playing and not in my head as I walked up to the booth to turn off the lights. I was mourning Salem.

Beth says I'm sad because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm sad because I miss Salem and all the crying and sadness I didn't feel at graduation is here.

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[07 Jul 2008|08:41pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

I finally caught the crawling crudd. The cogisamogis. Cat scratch fever. Oh karma....

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[07 Jul 2008|08:38pm]
[ mood | amused ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDA9NbPAK8o

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

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[30 Jun 2008|07:28pm]
SOMEBODY (*cough*Lawson!*cough*) wants to hire me. They just don't know it yet.

What do you do with a BA in music? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me this useless degree.....
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Oh my god! She's posting something! [05 Jun 2008|01:55pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | The Lightning Storm - Flogging Molly ]

So I suppose my life deserves an update.

Well, I'm single. I just graduated college. Holy Cow. I have a BA in music!

.....
........

Now what?

And those are my thoughts on graduation. Although I do have a new plan. I'm going to wiggle my way into technical aspect of music/theatre. I'm going to be a techie! Yay.

I'm excited about doing something other than music. As sad as that sounds. I'm excited about moving to Greensboro and taking these classes however I'm worried about finding an apartment and paying rent. I'm worried but I think I'll be fine. Oh yeah and finding a job. That too.


The little bit of AZ that I was able to go to this year was great! As usual. I got wonderfully tipsy Saturday night as is tradition (sorta) and made my way down to the dance to get hit on be a recent high school graduate. He said, "I just graduated high school." I said, "I just graduated college." Uh huh, walk away. Hilarious. And everybody sang "This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, huge success..." I love con. I can't wait to go back next year. It always makes me so happy.

You know it's kinda ironic though. I didn't cry at graduation. I knew I would, but I didn't. I did sob a little after leaving the flat, but it was kinda short lived sobbing not that long agonized crying. I think it's because, it never really hit me and because I know I'll be seeing my friends quite often. Like the day before yesterday we had a sleep over. Everytime I see them I marvel at how close we all became.

We're still close. We always will be, no matter where we are in the future.

It unavoidable. And I like it that way. ^_^

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ARG! [28 Apr 2008|11:20pm]
I really just want to say, if you're so worried about saving money why don't you just move back in with your mom? Why don't you just back out? Nikki doesn't have any money and she's not as paranoid as you! She's willing to spend SOMETHING to get this place.

I am at the point where I will just back out and get a one room apartment for myself. I KNOW I can get a job to pay rent. I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT.

She would know what she was doing for the summer if she would just talk to AshMac! OR APPLY TO A JOB.

Apartments are exspensive! But it's not so bad when ALL YOU'RE DOING IS WORKING! That is the only thing we're going to be doing! Making money! GAH!!! I don't understand why it's so hard!

JUST SIGN THE DAMN CONTRACT AND STOP TRYING TO PENNY PINCH!

If it's in the contract then it's in the contract and they cannot cheat us because they WOULD GET THEIR REALTORS LICENSE TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM!!! dumbass.

Honestly Nikki has less support from home than you do I'm pretty sure and she's a trooper. She's saving. She has a job! GAH!!!

I just don't understand this.

You do what it takes to get on your feet. You just do it. And when you fail, you go home and pay off your debt and try again.

You do what it takes.

I'm so pissed off!

Gah. I can understand Nikki being paranoid about not getting a place in time, but she's not worried about the rent as much as she's worried about a place to live. You are all consumed with the rent! I understand 400 dollars looks like a lot when you're living off 3 right now, but that's why you get a job that pays more than minimum wage.

Damnit.
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Oh life go away [15 Apr 2008|11:13pm]
*Sigh* Well I guess that's over for good.

Now for everything else:

Why do people keep asking me if I'm excited about my senior recital? No! I'm not excited. Who would be? And YES I am ready.

I'm glad we have that cleared up.

BTW Saturday April 19th 3:00. BE THERE.
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[19 Mar 2008|11:34am]
[ mood | happy ]

Okay, the stupid day of excellence just redeemed itself. In my comparison of Pierne to Debussy I've run across at version of Golliwogg's cake walk by the Canadian Brass. I love them. ^_^ I love Golliwogg's cake walk. ^_^

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[10 Mar 2008|11:19am]
Fuck this!

I don't want it!
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Yay! See where I am now? [05 Mar 2008|04:21pm]
This Is My Life, Rated
Life:
8.6
Mind:
8.4
Body:
8.6
Spirit:
7.7
Friends/Family:
5
Love:
8.5
Finance:
5.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz


Although I still don't get why is says that I only have a 5 in family... Hmm.... Maybe I need to get married.... ha ha just kidding....
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[03 Mar 2008|02:10pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

My head is so full of things today!

I wish life would go away for a while so I could sit in the Maydell and stare at the sky.

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Performance Forum [29 Feb 2008|03:26pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I hated watching that couple peform opera duets in character on stage. They looked so in love with each other while they were singing.

I don't think Colby really loves me. I wish he would say sweet things to me. I wish he would tell me that he cares.

I would tell him that I love him, but I would only be telling him so that I could hear it in return. He wouldn't be saying it because he's in love with me and just wants to tell me that! I should really tell him this. I feel like I've been pulling compliments from him like pulling teeth and it hurts my feelings.

I shouldn't need compliments! DAMMIT!

Seeing that couple on stage makes me think a little that I shouldn't be with him. I know he loves me, but is that enough? I feel more and more like we don't have anything in common but marching band. He needs to come to the symphony with me or an opera or a musical.

I kinda hate his music. It kinda drives me nuts. I'm trying so hard though!!!!!! I really do have a better appreciation for rap than I did. I do. I still don't really like it much.

Maybe my music is shallow... all it talks about it love and abstract things about relationships...

I'm tried of society's woes! I know I should care, but it's really hard for me to bring myself to it. I have the spoiled opinion that if you really want it you'll do what you have to to get there and you'll make it. So if you want to go to college and you want to get out of where ever it is you are you can do it. If you want to stop being homeless you'll get a job.

I am a spoiled brat. I know I am. Damn me.

I'm going to go study pshychology now.

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We should all become information vacuum cleaners! [29 Feb 2008|03:24pm]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | Coldplay on my Pandora radio ]

I saw this in the newspaper...

"In the end we will conserve only what we love. We love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught."

It was being written on a wall at a wildlife park and perserve.

I just got out of performance forum and it makes me think of how popular music is immortal. For example; Die Zauberflote is a very beloved opera. I personally don't care for it except for Papageno and maybe when it's not overdone the Queen of the Night Aria. Even if you don't know you know that aria you know it, trust me.

It just makes me think about how there is so much good music that nobody knows. There is so much art that seems to get lost. I know we can't keep it all. We're pack rats as it is. We can't know it all. But, dammit, I'm going to try to keep what I love and I'm going to learn about everything I can.

Oh, yes, and please help save the Everglades. ^_^

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