Peaches' Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-03-09 22:50
Subject:
Security:Public
Music:John Legend

Trying to figure out where to go with the rest of your life is impossible. Do you follow your your head or your heart? What if your head says to go to St. Louis but your heart says to stay in NH where the love of your life is?

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Date:2005-01-08 04:48
Subject:
Security:Public
Music:Damien Rice - Blower's Daughter

Soooo tired. Soooo sick. and yes it is 4:49 in the morning. I can't sleep. My entire family is asleep and I've been sick for all night. Most times I would just go work out if I couldn't sleep but everytime my stomach moves it feels like an elephant punched me. I went to give Lizzy her present today. It was so hard. I miss her dad so much which is so difficult to explain because it was HER dad but i knew him for just as long and he meant just as much to me. His birthday is today(Saturday) and the aniversary is Monday. Talk about a tough weekend. No work but I think thats actually a bad thing - more time to think. Ok thats all I have the energy to write right now. Maybe i'll amend it later. *kisses*

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Date:2004-12-06 23:25
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: hopeful
Music:TQ

one of these days its just going to come blurted from my mouth. out in the open for scrutiny. and he will hear and I will be lost in words that can't be taken back. its coming fast, right around the corner. one day will be my confessional.

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Date:2004-11-21 00:39
Subject:
Security:Public

Is it possible to have a connection with someone you've never met? If they died would you feel it? Will you feel empty? How is it possible to have hatred toward someone you have never met? Why do people tell you they will always be there for you, when in the end they are the farthest away of anyone? How can I feel so empty? What if you fate, your destiny, isn't what makes you happy but rather ruins you? What about that kiss that you never allowed to happen - will you feel like something is missing?

"Love bores you."
"No, love disappoints me."

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Date:2004-11-15 00:28
Subject:
Security:Public

I feel like its my fault cause of the way that
I stuck him off in between him and Lex Luther
I killed Superman I killed Super...Man
and how ironic that I'd be the bad guy kryptonite
the green chronic
-Rain Man

But things have gotten so bad between us
I don't see us ever being together ever again
Like we used to be when we was teenagers
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream

Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
You got me
- Mockingbird

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Date:2004-11-14 22:36
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: hopeful
Music:jadakiss

Things falling apart, so lonely, and his voice can bring me back. My friend for longer than anyone i can remember. I'm at peace when I see his sweet smile. He is the ideal i compare everyone to. Never hurting me from age 10, he has a compassion within him. He is magnetic, energetic. I'm in love with him, have been for the past 8 years. He is clueless. Is my chance coming, maybe even here now?

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Date:2004-11-07 21:49
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: crushed

I'm alone. No one can understand me right now. I am in this hole in the world, where everyone thinks they understand, and some even want to help. They can't. I run out of tears, yet then they come back, and i continue to drown.



Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I Can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realizes that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I like it down
I can't go on not loving you)

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Date:2004-10-27 21:13
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:Ryan Cabrera - True

What if I really messed up? Would anyone be there for me? Even the people that I've told this to well, don't care. They think i'm making it up, or that its a joke. Do friends treat you like you are unimportant? I guess if i'm so insignificant, the next time they come up with some major problem I won't give a shit about them. Is that the right thing to do? No, but I can't continue expending energy and not gettin anything back right? I don't know. I'm just irritated with people in general. Mad at the world type thing. Thinking everyone is shallow. maybe that makes me the one that is shallow.

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Date:2004-10-27 21:02
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: calm
Music:Tequila - Collaboration

Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
Till the light, at the end, of the tunnel, we gonna fight,
We gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march through the swamp
We gonna mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors
-Eminem - Mosh




I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you met me

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
Ryan Cabrera - True

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Date:2004-10-20 21:18
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:active, socially
Music:Akon - ghetto(prob the best song of the year.Serious reggae)

yay for people that act like sluts then get mad when someone calls them out on it. This is clearly the way to deal with your life. It will solve all your problems in a heartbeat....i promise....really. If you are really that upset about people saying things like that, maybe you should try changing your ACTIONS not what is said. If there wasn't something to say, people would probably not say anything at all. Like you know you could stop jumping every guy's bones that you see. Especially when you "love" your boyfriend. Thats just my take on it tho. No need for you to believe me. I'd suggest it tho.

By the way, just a comment on what i have been seeing/hearing lately : STOP BEING RACIST! IT'S NOT COOL, HIP, OR THE "IN THING". IT JUST SHOWS HOW YOU ARE CLOSE MINDED AND INSECURE ABOUT YOURSELF.

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Date:2004-09-30 22:21
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:bob marley - could you be loved

Each day find something or someone that makes you...
...laugh...smile...giggle...sing...skip...want to shout...feel warm and fuzzy...have a lump in your throat...dance...question you beliefs...improve...

These are things that in the end whether there is a heaven and hell, whether you have the right job, whether you have the right house, will make life worthwhile. Someone today said that "There is no original thought. Everything you think has been thought before." This can not be true. I refuse to believe that the connections you make each day and the things you think about the people you meet each day are unoriginal.

My favorite quote I have ever heard is "You are the perfect verse over a tight beat." It is people that fit this mold that make life worth living each day. Whether it is the love of your life, or the girl down at the grocery store, the people that fit with you, are the ones who make life amazing, and perfect.

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Date:2004-09-27 20:15
Subject:"Don't worry about a thing"
Security:Public
Mood: mellow
Music:Bob Marley vinyl. mmm mmm good!

One good thing about music, when it hits, you feel no pain.

So much trouble in the world now
So much trouble in the world now

Bless my eyes this morning
Jah sun is on the rise once again
The way Earthly things are going
Anything can happen

You see men sailing on their ego trips
Blast off on their space ship
Million miles from reality
No care for you, no care for me

So much trouble in the world now
So much trouble in the world now
All you got to do is give a little
Give a little, give a little
One more time YE-A-H! YE-AH!

So you think you have found the solution
But it's just another illusion
So before you check out your tide
Don't leave another cornerstone
Standing there behind
We've got to face the day
Ooh-we come what may
We the street people talking
We the people struggling

Now they are sitting on a time bomb
Now I know the time has come
What goes on up is coming on down
Goes around and comes around

So much trouble in the world
So much trouble in the world
So much trouble in the world
There is so much trouble
There is so much trouble
There is so much trouble
There is so much trouble in the world
There is so much trouble in the world - Bob Marley - King of Reggae!


I think everyone should go out and buy a punching bag. I have never had such AMAZING anger management. That or find an amazing guy that makes you smile, endlessly.

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Date:2004-09-20 18:40
Subject:Long time...
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:311 - Amber

So it's been forever. Since before summer? crazy! Amazing how much can change over a summer. How much life can make you grow up and how each time it pushes you, you want to push back even harder. So I was dating this guy over the summer, like since may? It's funny cause now I just don't know what to say about the whole thing. I was naive? He changed? He was an asshole all along? I'm just a bitch that he couldn't stand anymore? It doesn't really matter in the end. I truely appreciate everyone that goes through my life and I cannot count him out. I met so many great people through him and had so much fun while I was at it. I've always hated those sayings like "its not the destination but the journey that really matters" but I think I understand it now. It's not saying that even if you end up in a worse place than you started in that thats ok. Its saying that if you have fun with everything you do, you will end up a better person and in a better place.

It is in this way that my summer was a failure. Alot of my time was spent doing things that could have been done later, doing things that weren't all they could be, and making up for stupid choices I had already made. I had to spend so much time trying to earn back the trust of my parents which in the end they still dont trust me any more than they did, studying to make up for the last 3 years, and working. As I look back on it, I narrowed myself by so much. Its this constant fight within me, knowing that if I don't live life with some fun I will never be happy and yet knowing that it will take every bit of energy I have to get me to where I want to be.

I put so much of my energy into trying to get back the trust of my parents this summer. Endless hours of trying to find a job, then when I found one, finding out they hated the job that I got. Never going somewhere without telling them. Never going to my bestfriends house just cause they don't like me being there. I realize that all that work was useless. They will never change their view of me. I will always be the untrustworthy child who goes and gets herself in trouble, the one who can't live up to their standards, the one who will never fit into the mold that her sister was. But even if they had changed how they saw me, it was wasted precious time. Their trust and approval is worthless to me. It will always be worthless until the day that I can say I love them, and I trust them, and I know that they are unconditionally there for me. They have found a way to change the defintion of love into "conditional" and in this they unknowingly let me go. I am no longer scared to leave them behind, forget about them, and never return. There is closure in knowing something so horrendously negative as they are, is unable to change.

This is my senior year. My last year. I go to college next if I'm lucky. I refuse to be unhappy. I will not regret this year when I look back on it. I will not let relationships with amazing people, pass over me. I will take time to look at every flower I walk by. That building is the place that I fell in love for the first time with a guy I have no problem saying is the most amazing I have ever met. That building is the place where I have put myself and my ideas out in the open so many times, and grown from each experience. I refuse to let that blow by me.

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Date:2004-06-06 22:43
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative
Music:outkast - way you move

Sleeping in his arms. His fingers entwined with mine. Warm breath blows on my cheek. Sweet from his lips. My eyes close. A kiss on the forehead. A sigh of relief. I feel safe. For the first time.

Is it possible to know this ache in only 4 short days together? Is it okay to say I miss him when he is gone? Am I allowed to tell him that everytime I awake I wish to see his face next to mine? Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me when we're apart? Does he want to jump for joy when he sees me? Are these questions I'm allowed to ask even directed towards the sky?

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Date:2004-05-09 17:09
Subject:
Security:Public

Fuck her. She is one fucking biatch. I know this sounds stupid and immature but she doesn't deserve him. She hangs out with them so she can say she has more friends and as soon as she heard he liked her she suddenly whipped 180 and decided she liked him. I've been talking bout him for months and now she wants him. ugh. He did everything to get her attention and she didnt notice at all! HE IS PERFECT - doesn't need to change.


Sad that she is one of my best friends huh?

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Date:2004-05-04 21:05
Subject:
Security:Public

and the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down
we're captive on the carousel of time
we can't return, we can only look
behind from where we came
and go round and round and round in the circle game

sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
cartwheels turn to carwheels through the town
and they tell him, "take your time, it won't be long now
'til you drag your feet to slow the circle's down"



life is not passing by. it has speared me in the side, thrashing me along the roadside, making sure to toss me each direction it can.

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Date:2004-02-05 22:49
Subject:
Security:Public

The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

Caleb's mommy died. Another gone too soon. The world just lost an amazing soul, heart, beauty. I'm not sure I have the words to convey the aguish im feeling right now. Floods of emotion that had been surpressed when steve passed away continually bombard my mind. I can't breath without my lungs colapsing.

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Date:2004-01-18 19:43
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated
Music:Something Corporate - Punk Rock Princess

Wow. So much shit has gone down since I last wrote. Nicole is staying with me because of the stuff with her dad. Dunno when that will end. Christmas went by, then i went on the cruise - had a really awesome time. The seasickness wasn't much fun but the rest was. Dancing at the club on shit was probably the best. so then we got back - ball became shitty, grades dropped, and life went down the shitter. Seems okay now i guess.
the 13th was my birthday. The only people to remember were adam, gina and ireney. teh people farthest away seem to care the most and i miss them all so much! I was a douche to an amazing guy, the only guy to ever treat me like more than a piece of meat. Fuck this. I'm so damn sick of everything here. I dont know whether it is me or the people here. I go other places and people love me.
I'm off to play guitar, play some vinyl, and maybe do a lil paintin/drawing.

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Date:2003-12-17 22:35
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy
Music:Something Corporate

Too happy to write. Too tired too. God he makes everything perfect. Amazing how my heart skips a beat just witht he mention of his name. :::smiles::: All the shit that is going on right now in my life is completely gone when I talk to him. The thought of his smile, his eyes just makes my heart beat faster and faster.

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Date:2003-12-03 22:40
Subject:You're never gonna keep me down
Security:Public
Mood: ecstatic
Music:Matt Nathanson

I met a boy in the summer of my dreams.

::Smiles::

I've had the best few weeks. I don't wanna hide it. I wanna shout it out to the world. He is perfect and i want everyone to know it. He's probably reading this and I don't care. He is amazing and makes me feel so beautiful.

::Smiles::

Oh - the rest of life is going well I guess. School - okay. Basketball - been playing really well lately. Yay! Guitar - It's...going. So relaxing. Health - good.

YIPPPEEEE! I have a playboy bunny on my hip cause sarah put it there. Yippeeeeee!!!!!!

-kb-

PS - ::kisses:: only for you.

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