& then I sealed away my heart's journal

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
8:14 pm - Happy New Year's
Happy New Year's. My New Year's Eve didn't turn out anything like I had planned though. Billy ended up canceling his party because almost everybody that said they were coming had a change of plans and didn't go. Basically I was the only person that was going for sure. So Billy just ended up drinking with Mike & Timmy I think. I went with Amanda to the movies and saw Memoirs of a Geisha. It was exquisite. I loved it. Even though it's a Japanese story, I could relate to a lot of the emotions and opinions of the women in the movie. It made me appreciate my Korean culture, even though I have already been doing so lately. After reading some of The Joy Luck Club I realized that I'm a part of something that no American-born person could ever have. There are a lot of stigmas where Asian people are concerned, but I only see the positive effects of being Asian, albeit only half. I used to feel like I was an outcast, especially during middle school, because I wasn't 100% white. I didn't know where I fit in. Living in the South didn't help my case much. Sometimes I even felt like I wasn't good enough or as good as my Southern-born, white friends, even though everybody knows that Asian people are the most intelligent, hard-working race of people on the planet. But lately, within the past 6-8 months or so, I've felt a different sort of connection to my Asian heritage. I'm not ashamed anymore. I love it and openly embrace it. Once in a while I've even wished that I was 100% Korean, shunning my other half. But I know that I have the best of both worlds, and I wouldn't change a thing; I consider myself lucky. One of these days when I'm older and have money I want to take my mother back to Korea to visit, and for me to see it for the first time.

2006...A new year of unfulfilled resolutions. I know this to be true because I make a few resolutions every year and never follow through with them. But yet I keep on wishing and hoping. I try though. Every year one of my resolutions is to get in shape. I know it's completely useless to resolve to exercise when I haven't done it every other year. Like I said, I try. This year my resolutions are to not procrastinate (we'll see how long that one lasts) and to care more. 2005 was the year of "I don't care" for me. And I mean caring in general. I stopped caring about school, about what my parents think, about other people's feelings. Basically I just stopped caring about all the things I used to care about in my life. Caring just took too much time and energy. But I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want each of my days to have a purpose. One of my good friends that I had lost contact with throughout most of high school and just now recently started talking to again told me, "You should try to accomplish something everyday" and it seriously got me thinking. I don't know but somewhere along the way I lost my sense of self and everything I believed in and cared about. My sophomore and junior years of high school are just a mass blur of mediocrity. I can recall so vividly my freshman year and how it was the best time of my life. It seems like a different lifetime now. That was a time when I didn't take everything so seriously and cared about the simple things in life. Maybe I can go back to that, maybe not. I know I'm changing, but are the times changing so much too that I can't ever go back to feeling like that? Is my life never again going to be void of burdening responsibility? I fear that the answer is yes. That's what sucks about growing up.

current mood: hopeful
current music: None

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Saturday, December 31st, 2005
3:02 pm - Happy New Year's...or not.
So it's the last day of the year. It doesn't feel like it. In less than 10 hours 2005 will be over. I'm celebrating the coming of 2006 tonight, but I'm not that pumped up. Blah. I was hoping I could get a little romance tonight. But alas, no. I don't think Dillon is coming to Billy's party. That just takes away half the fun right there. This can't be a good sign of my love life in 2006. Dillon and I have been talking online a lot and it's just gotten my hopes up, like usual. But of course it never works out like I want it to. It seems like everytime I try to open up to a guy with the potential of a relationship, it always falls short. Damn.

And I still have a freaking independent reading project to do for Mrs. Walters. God I hate that woman. I have other homework too. I just hate school right now. I'm dreading going back. What makes it worse is that Monday is an A day. Man...A days suck. I really can't wait to graduate. I'm so ready to go away from here. I can't wait.

current mood: tired
current music: Fuel - Falls On Me

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Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
8:03 pm - OMG I'm back again.
:::Well, yes indeed, here I am again with another online journal. I created a new blurty because I figured that my other one is completely obsolete at this pont in my life. Yeah I don't really know how old my other one is. But I do know that it spans the time from late middle school to early high school. And that's a long fucking time ago. I'm eighteen years old now and I still can't describe how it feels. But I will try:::

current mood: restless
current music: None

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