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eskimos. [06 Feb 2005|07:02pm]
[ mood | sore ]
[ music | simon and garfunkel. ]

today i awoke to the loneliest, most hopeless feeling in the world but i dragged myself out of bed and some good things happened today, i think.
i played knockout in gym, celebrated beef taco day- the veggie way in lunch, ran two miles after school with chels, started a new watercolor in art and named my old one inspired by my favorite children's book, suffered through algebra...which actually sucks, bought an amazing book with chels and brendan at b+n, and talked about music and smoking with my teacher. those are the highlights of the day, i guess. i hate january. its just basically a disgusting month. winter is so long and i always end up depressed around this time of the year. did you know that eskimos run a much higher risk of commiting suicide than the average person? its because half the fucking year up there is winter. GOD. this season sucks.

i'm beginning to take care of myself. good health=good feeeeeling. no smoking, drinking, fattening foods, soda, weird sleep schedules, etc.
day one.

myspace suckksss.. :-/

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jet planes. [26 Dec 2004|10:07pm]
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | hawthorne heights. ]

everyones leaving me tomorrow. annies going back to new orleans and erin's leaving for italy. :(
i think lindsays going too. i should have taken latin. boo.

christmas was alright. i got a lot of paint. so i'm doing an oil painting right now.

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boooooooooooooo. [24 Dec 2004|10:57am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | the killers. thanks kev. ]

so i guess i'll start updating because my life is starting to become more interesting.
yesterday was the last day of school before break and i guess it was okey. we didn't really do anything in any of my classes..just watched movies, and know.
christmas always makes me feel like shit. i'm not sure why. i think, beforehand all the stress and fucking hysteria of it spreads me thin and makes me weary and everything and then, when its here its cool i guess..i like the whole feeling of being with family and being close and everything..even though you shouldnt need a special occasion to do that....but i get to see my sister annie. it kind of sucks because every other year she was in college or law school and she would have an entire month off for christmas but now she has a job and gets two days vacation. i hate growing up. but anyway, after christmas sucks too because three seconds later, everyones forgotten it even happened and then theres like a void from where the holiday season was. i had work yesterday which was alright, i guess. lots of people are still assholes even in the "spirit" of it all. like, people that come to michaels, or even worse, people who walk straight passed me while i'm standing at my locker and arrogantly wish my friends a merry christmas and purposely exclude me. i love that. i dont know. yesterday i was walking down the hallway and i saw erik and my stomach jumped. like, i havent had that feeling in forever. i think its the whole christmas thing..because i have no feelings remaining from before or anything but i guess its just all the stories i heard listening to lee and sonja talk to me about what they got each other, or courtney talk about jay...and everything. it made me realize that i do want a relationship. definetly not the kind i had from june 26th to circa..december...ish because i'm not going to do that to myself again.
i dont know. i guess i just want to be with someone i can completely be myself for and just live in the moment with. i'm sick of fucking drama that comes with being in a controlling relationship. i dont know. i miss the passion.
so before work, me kev and chels decided we wanted to go to the mall and finish christmas shopping. that did not end well. we got to the took about an hour and because the traffic was so fucking insane, we got within sight of it and realized it would take another 45 minutes or so just to get into the mall and we had no time so we left and they dropped me off at work and chels went to get coffee and came in later. work went by fast and then afterwards, kev picked us up and we all went to dans and hungout with miz joey katie and...dan. we watched its a wonderful life and just layed around. it was fun. everyone started to leave and it was just me chels dan and kev and we decided around 1 to go to the regent and get pizza fries. it was delicious..minus the minor akwardness/cherry soda-vomit drink. but it was fun. so we left around 2 and headed they dropped me off and i went to sleep..and slept until chris woke me up this morning. now i'm sitting here in my "el gato" shirt my mom randomly silk-screened me while i was at school yesterday and waiting for my sister to come hommme. i've missed her so much. oh well. i guess this should be a good day. sometimes i feel a certain way and i cant figure out why but right now, i feel pretty fufilled and thats fun. merry christmas.

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god. [21 Nov 2004|09:17am]
[ mood | kind of depressed. ]
[ music | hot hot heat. ]

uhm. so i havent updated in a really long time..well, i did, but i deleted the entries i didnt like.
yesterday/today me chels joey and katie did probably the most random thing you could imagine any of us doing with our saturday night. we went to church and slept there. veronicas had some "lockin" thing and our friend, danielle cherry told us it was a lot of fun and chelsea decided to go, and brought us all along. it was weird, considering i'm completely agnostic... all of us are, really. but i tried to go in with an open-mind because thats what they told me to do...but the weird thing was the whole thing was basically.."you should avoid these things because if you do them, god wont love you. they'll stop you from being able to reach out and hold god." and they believe that catholicism is the only way and anyone who has different beliefs is considered potential for converting. they want everyone to conform to a perfect being that god can love...and then when we went to mass, joey kept trying to get me to go into confessional but i refused. they were saying that you should repent for all these "sins" but really, isn't that like apologizing for who you are? i'm glad of everything i've gone through because, in the end, i always look back and think " wasn't that bad" or at least, i'm grateful i experienced it and went through that so now i can be a stronger person. and even though sometimes i'm not completely happy with who i am, i feel like its our own desire to change which makes us a better person...not the influence of god's love. HOWEVER. there was one particular instance last night that reinforced my agnostic beliefs (i mean, my belief in some unknown higher power). during addiration, i went up to have people pray over me because i was told it was intense and spiritual and the two people lay their hands on me and i asked them to pray for my family. they started chanting and saying all this stuff that was supposedly the word of god coming through them and they started speaking in tongues and it scared me a lot. and i stood there, eyes closed and at first all i saw was black and slowly a gentle white light started glowing and eventually got brighter and brighter..and then, i started swaying back and forth and i felt my knees begin to give until i had to fight to keep myself up. i opened my eyes really abrutly because the feeling was so overwhelming and i told them okey, i'm good and kind of walked away. i was told that if i had let it go longer and completely accepted the feeling, i would have completely lost balance and either fallen backwards or dropped to my knees or other things. i don't know. i have so much respect for people who are devote christians. like, danielle and many other people there, i look up to them because they have so much faith and devotion and i think its amazing but, its not me...and i dont know.. i still have to figure out what it is i'm searching for and then, when i find it, i'll be able to devote myself to something.

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oh shut up. [30 Oct 2004|02:22pm]
[ mood | bored ]

its hot in here. actually its pretty warm outside for almost november. i wore my glasses today for the first time in like two months and i got to see all the pretty colorful leaves scattered all over the place. things look a lot less real when i see them in perfect vision. i'm used to having terrible eyesight so much that when i wear glasses i feel like i'm on a stage and everything around me is just setting and i'm the only real thing. oh well. i'm in an okey mood i guess. i'm pretty bored. last night was awesome. it was so much fun. well, i had work (that wasnt the fun part) and then Katie's party! me and joey decided to go in costume because a couple people were and we decided to do the 80s. i dressed up in a polka dot skirt with fishnets, ali's high heels, black earrings, jelly bracelets and joe's wifebeater which we cut the seams of so it went around my shoulders. my hair was up in a side pony tail with a scrunchie and had a big black flower thing in it. joe looked awesome too. he wore my pants cuffed up (which, surprisingly looked really good...i'm jealous), chucks, jelly bracelets, a white tee with the sleeves rolled up, a leather jacket with the sleeves pushed up, a pink blue and black sweatband under his bangs, and a studded belt. haha. he looked just like kevin bacon. katie's basement is so sweet. we kareoked, danced, played pool. the funniest was when we all made a huge circle (there were so many people there) and then people went into the middle and break danced. and roger started stripping haha. it was just a good time. wow, i just read erik's journal. he makes it out to seem like i thought it'd be a good idea to get back together when he was the one who suggested it and started talking to me again. i hate people. i really do..except good ones like katie tedesco and joey g and a couple other. i talked to katie this morning on the phone for like an hour and tonight we're planning on getting a bunch of people together and rent scary movies and then go out for mischief night. it should be funn. oh well.

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let my life empower you. [25 Oct 2004|04:55pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | radiohead. ]

i guess thats the basic idea for tomorrow. the portraits of survivors is all morning. we're drawing holocaust victims for mrs weitz. im pretty excited but also kind of not because people are just about the one thing i can't draw. i'm excited to meet them and talk with them though. so, today was pretty boring/bad. i think the only good thing about the day was yoga-naiga in gym..i love it. i feel so relaxed and happy after it..and i needed it today because after gym i had to sit in art and listen to mrs weitz read us some bullshit she wrote about drawing a portrait. i hate how whenever she talks about art she has to make some sort of reference to her own and how its so amazing. "even though some of my pieces have sold for $10,000..." and then she replaced all the students art in the glass cases outside the media center with her own. what teacher does that? i don't even like her art. its so conservative and straight foward. she paints things how they look. thats style of her own..and thats why when you bring her a piece you're really proud of, but it isnt exactly what she considers art to be, she tells you 'well, you have a B right now but if you change this this and this, you can have an a.' ugh. i miss mr carey. so the rest of the day was pretty uneventful. it just kicked in that me and steve's desert biome project is due tomorrow for environmental science so i've been spending the whole afternoon doing that.. steve's supposed to help me around 7..
its going to be really cool, though..i decided that theres going to be a front layer which is the "daytime desert" because deserts are more active at night, so i made a slit in the top of the box so i could pull that out and behind it is a night time back drop and all the animals. also, since the stars are really bright in the desert i think i'm going to poke holes in the back and stick christmas lights in it. i put sand in it and then my mom bought me a mini cactus and i think i'll go to michaels tonight to get mini flowers for the desert flowers or whatever. it will be good. of course, if i wasnt such a procrastinator and i started this a week ago, it'd be better but oh well..
also, my final copy of my english paper is due tomorrow but i dont know if i'll do it because i'm going to be in the media center during that period.
and then theres algebra homework...and history. i suck. my life is so boring. i wish i had real stuff to bullshit entries about. i just like writing in here because it helps me break down the day/my life better.
another cool thing about today i guess was weitz read us a little bit of the velvetine (spelling?) rabbit and i love that book. but after she read the thing that she wrote, i looked over at Madalyn (the special ed lady for some kid in our class) and just rolled my eyes and she started laughing.
i'm kind of in limbo. i get really sad because sometimes i miss things i used to have. during yoga-naiga, you're supposed to make resolutions to yourself.. last time mine was "i'll stop chasing love" and this time it was "i'll hold onto those i love." hm. im not sure. sometimes when i'm going through things it seems like they'll last forever and then.. they're over in a blink of the eye. and afterwards, i miss it. even if at the time it seemed like it was bad. im not sure. all i know is that since june i've been writing our initials everywhere and i havent stopped yet.


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[24 Oct 2004|10:09pm]
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events. [24 Oct 2004|10:07am]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | death cab for cutie ]

yesterday was a big day. in the morning, chels came to pick me up and we went to red bank with her mom. then, we went to her grandma's house and when we were walking into the computer room, there was this squirrel that was in a trap but it hadn't closed yet so when we walked in we frightened him and he ran out really quick and got stuck in a hole. it was sad. after, we went to pathmark and bought brownies and stuff and went home and baked them. THEN katie tedesco came and we all just hung around, baked (with ms. b's help...haha), ate brownies and looked at pictures of chelsea through the years. we were laughing because there are a bunch of pictures that chelsea said she looks like she has down syndrome in. amanda kept calling because she was jealous we were all hanging out and she wasnt allowed. so when she'd call, we'd make up these funny voices and pretended to be each other. i was like "This is chelsea, chelsea lynn bucsek. you have beautiful boobs." it was funny...chels pretended to be me and katie pretended she was some guy amanda likes. so then, we were going to meet up with joey at target and go to six flags and katie had to go home for a party so we dropped her off then went to target and got chelsea's pass and walked over to panera. we decided just to eat out with joe so he met up with us at panera. we ate and had lemon sucking contests and took pictures of each other with lemons in our mouths and making weird faces. oh-- and we totally took advantage of the complementary soda thing. after that, me and chels went back to her house and tried to decide what to do with the night. eventually, trev stopped by (very stoned) and then matt (also very stoned). trev had to leave shortly after so it was just the three of us. matt was entertaining. he kept eating all the brownies we made and saying "these are the best brownies." so then matt had to step out to smoke a ciggerette and chelsea was on the phone so me and him just sat on the back porch for like an hour and had a very good, engaging conversation. eventually matt got the munchies and we decided to take a walk to wawa and get food. on the way over, we met up with chelsea's friend austin who told us he was walking over. he walked up to wawa with us and we bought food. we went back to the house and checked on chels. she was kind of upset so i hungout with austin and lindsay for awhile. matt left and we were supposed to go over his house but he fell asleep so we just hungout and austin had to go home so linds drove him and we listened to dance mix 98 the whole time. when we got home me and chelsea went to bed and talked for like an hour or more. the whole night she was hitting cats or yelling at them and throwing stuff it was funny. then in the morning she woke me up by suffocating me. she had to go to her game so she dropped me home and here i am now. i just painted my shoe box thing for the diarama i have to do for friekin environmental science..haha, its due tuesday and all i have is a painted box. oh well. so today i work and then straight from work i'm going to amanda's bday party. our present to her rules. she'll probably read this so i dont want to put what it was in here yet. oh well. its cool. but work sucksss.

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emmancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.. [23 Oct 2004|09:28am]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | bob marley- the redemption song. ]

amanda loves me. i've come to the conclusion she really wants my shit. haha. so, this post is for her. art was stupid weitz was happy you werent here today because she hates you. anyway, i guess the rest of the day was alright. the assembly we had was disturbing. just the two stories of the girl who was raped with a pool stick and the guy that drugged him own girlfriend of 3 years. me and melissa were writing notes on her folder the whole time and during those stories we just looked up and then looked at each other with the most horrified faces. it was pretty damaging for the rest of the took me like the whole day to get over it. that other story that the guy who came to talk to us about gangs told us last year (the one about the guy raping his own mother) took me like a month to get over. it still really bothers me thinking about it. so after that the day was relatively fast. after school i left with scott viv and alex and we all decided to go to the mall before i had work. we stopped at alex's house to get his yellow car and i drove over with him. that was an experience, let me tell you. alex likes speed. so after we hung around the mall for like an hour and a half, we sat out in the parking lot and had a tail gating party, as alex called it. we left around 4:30 to drop me off at work. so this is what happened; it takes about half an hour to get from the mall to michael's (where i work) but while driving during rush hour (as we were) it takes about 45 minutes. alex made it in 15...even though all of route nine was backed up with traffic jams. when we got there, viv called us and asked where we were. we told her we were there and she was like 'holy shit, we're still backed up in traffic.' it was funny..but scary. haha. so work went alright..better than the last time i worked i guess. wednesday i came to work straight from the eye doctor and i had just gotten in a fight with my dad so my pupils were still hugely dialated and my eyes were all red. lisa told me i looked like i was a crazy crack addict. it sucked but i guess it was funny. i broke the cash register yesterday froze all up and then they had to call the michael's help line to get it working again. i suck. i always feel like i'm doing something wrong there. so after work i just chilled out, ate macaroni and cheese, watched i love the '90s with my dad (he loves that show) and called chels. we're hanging out today so we'll probably call up amoondy and maybe our new friend christine! melissa's in nyc today. boo. later on we'll probably hangout with mike and matt too. so who knows. today will probably be good though.

uhh and other stuff i dont know. i try to keep busy so i dont think too much.....
i'm starting to regain trust in people i had lost before. its good i guess.

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i thought i could feel more power living life without love. [18 Oct 2004|09:16pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | mason jennings. ]

eh. today wasnt bad. last night i told my dad to not even bother waking me up because i don't plan on going to school...and i didn't. i slept in and it was nice. i hungout with chris a lot and wrote my three essays that were due today. not bad. my mom left and i had the house to myself for a few hours..which was actually pretty lonely so i called up my sister. i miss her. her room mate's boyfriend lives in san diego and she lives in new orleans and he declared that he refuses to go to new orleans anymore because his "destiny is in california." how dense can you be..if you care about someone that much, wouldn't you consider them a part of your destiny? and wouldn't you follow them anywhere? annie says he just listens to his mom too much. what a way to live. oh well. i wish i could write music about all this weird stuff that happens. so i guess after that i tried to pry open my window so i could sit out on my roof but it was painted shut so i chiseled it open but got tired after i was halfway through. after that, erin came over and we went to rag shop then hungout with mike matt and adam. and that was my day.
i'm so sick of school already..and where i live.

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i hate work. [17 Oct 2004|10:45am]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | dispatch. ]

so i decided to start a new blurty out of pure boredom/procrastination. i should be working on the two essays that i have to write for tomorrow but i dont know what to do and dont really feel like doing whatever that is anyway. this wont suck, i promise. so lets see. this weekend...
well. friday i went to school. first period i went to the holocaust program that my art teachers doing. i sat with chelsea and christine and amanda. they showed us movies and talked to us. it was moving especially when the guy teaching it played guitar and sang a song about how much hate there is and how we should try to teach our children to love one another. afterwards, me and chels stayed and went to see him and he showed a couple of us something he decided not to show during the program. it was the nazi flag, apparently someone he knew's grandfather or some relation pulled it down while liberating the jews. my art teacher started shaking. it was pretty heavy.. its so sad to think that the human race, however highly we regard ourselves, is capable of hatred like that. the rest of the day was pretty and viv didnt go to algebra because its boring and ridiculous. we went to lunch then the media center. after school i worked. later that night, steve snuck over and we sat on my porch. gabe got his license friday so he came by and we went for a short drive then i thought i should go home so they dropped me off. yesterday scott came over and we went to look at halloween costumes then to the mall and back to his house and ate pizza bagels and played on the computer and he played his new songs for me. that night, we went over to meg's. roger was there so we didnt really get to see much of either of them, haha but it was cool. we watched shallow hal and played chess. exciting saturday. he dropped me home and i fell asleep early. today i have work. its so boring..i miss the boardwalk. sometimes it sucked because it was so hectic and busy and the costumers were assholes but at least i was never bored. i hate working in a store..doing returns, standing at the register for hours. it sucks--plus, chels isnt allowed to work until she turns 16 which is like a month away. boo. oh well, i think im going to call my boss at the bwalk and ask for a few hours. maybe i'll work in the arcade during the winter or something. anyway, thats all. whatever....

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