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Quasi - Drunken Tears |
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To be humbled, I think, is to partake in an experience that deflates your egotistical tendencies by humiliating you. Such an experience happened to me just this morning. It went down like this....
One would think that the impact of a parent-teacher conference would be lessened as time demotes parents' authoritorial position. This is not so. P-T conferences are confrontational and attacking of the student in question. The situation is that I am a poor student. I have always been a poor student. It all began in second grade, when my Missing Assignment Slips, the slips distributed to be signed by parents when a student failed to turn in an assignment, began to pile in my sock drawer unshown to the parental units. But that is not today's conflict. Today's conflict is that I continue to be a poor student with poor work habits. These poor work habits contribute to my ultimate class failure.
But.
I am not an incapable student. On the contrary, I am fairly intelligent. According to IQ tests, I am a clinical genius. However this title does not suit me academically. I think differently is all, not better or weirder, just in a different way. I function and learn differently too. Thus, the system by which I am graded in school is not adequate. This flaw lends itself to my poor work habits.
I am not trying to imply that I am not at fault for my poor grades. I am perfectly capable of doing the work and turning it in and doing well in school. But I privately protest this system. In public school, one is not graded by their ability to conceptualize but rather one is graded their obedience. Grades are threatening. Understanding the material well it is not enough to get a substantial grade. If I understand the material then reinforce it again and again with paperwork and unnesecary assignments, then I will acheive a 'good' grade. Tardiness and absence also lend themselves to grades, when neither are contributers to the learning process. Showing up will help you learn because it will let you absorb all the information you need, but if I don't show up yet pass my tests as if I had cheated I am still subject to a failing grade.
I suppose we cannot personalize the grading system. But how can anyone justify such an impersonal system?
This morning's particular happening regarded whether or not I remain in the AP History class despite the fact that I received an F this past semester. My teacher encouraged me to stay in the class, while my mother discouraged it. My teacher told my mother directly that I understand the material and contribute frequently to class discussions, and its only my lack of high scores on homework that made me fail. My mother didn't know what to say, because my grade would have been the same if I were in a regular class and doing the same thing. Or rather, not doing. As they discussed and discussed, swimming in stupidity, I uttered the fatal phrase: "What the fuck." I had intended the words to be spoken under my breath, but they were audible to my mother and teacher. My credibility as an intelligent student was destroyed, thus I was humbled. By the end of the hour I was staying in the course with a promise to manage my time better. Unfortunately the pormise is empty because time has nothing to do with anything. I left fuming and angry at the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation: I failed a class in which I understood all the material and received As Bs and an occasional C on all my tests.
Fucking bullshit.
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