Ha ha ha ha   
09:22pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: amused
I just discovered that if I get impatient, and hit the "update" button more than once, it will update my journal with the same entry more than once.
See below.
Ha.
 
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It's live and let LIVE, you asshole.   
09:09pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: blah
Another shitty day at my shitty job, at least they didn't try to get me to close again tonight. I don't know how much longer I can work there. My friend Mike said he's going to apply there. Maybe that will make it liveable. Mike's kinda weird. Very cool, though. God, I don't feel like typing right now. I feel like going out with Brit, and getting completely obliterated. Oh, wait. I have a doctor's appointment at 9am. Fuck.
 
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It's live and let LIVE, you asshole.   
09:09pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: blah
Another shitty day at my shitty job, at least they didn't try to get me to close again tonight. I don't know how much longer I can work there. My friend Mike said he's going to apply there. Maybe that will make it liveable. Mike's kinda weird. Very cool, though. God, I don't feel like typing right now. I feel like going out with Brit, and getting completely obliterated. Oh, wait. I have a doctor's appointment at 9am. Fuck.
 
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It's live and let LIVE, you asshole.   
09:09pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: blah
Another shitty day at my shitty job, at least they didn't try to get me to close again tonight. I don't know how much longer I can work there. My friend Mike said he's going to apply there. Maybe that will make it liveable. Mike's kinda weird. Very cool, though. God, I don't feel like typing right now. I feel like going out with Brit, and getting completely obliterated. Oh, wait. I have a doctor's appointment at 9am. Fuck.
 
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Hmmm...   
03:39pm 10/08/2003
 
mood: aggravated
My brother is in the living room arguing with my mom. He dissapeared for two days, and didn't call, or check in, or anything, and now he thinks he can just scream at my mom. He thinks he can just ignore her, and she'll go away. Well, she's right. My parents have no spines. My mom decided last night that he was going to get punished, and my dad agreed. So today when my brother gets home, my dad tells my mom to shut up as she starts to yell at my brother. Fuck you, dad. Donovan's gonna become a little hoodlum because you have no goddamned balls to fucking yell at people. I guess right before he stormed out of the house, he said: well, why can't donovan leave the house? Jeni does whatever she wants...well, dad..
1. I'm 18, therefore, anything stupid I do will be only of legal consequence to me. That's a big one right there.

2. I've had a job steadily since I was 14, Donovan is now 16, and has yet to ever have had a job.

3. He's flunking out of school, he has the credits of a freshman. He's supposed to be a junior next year. I, on the other hand, made honor roll-while I was working two jobs, and taking care of my mom!!!

4. I've shown my responsibility through my jobs, my school work. Donovan does none of these things, and suddenly, he thinks he's on the same par as me when it comes to what we're allowed to do.

Now my mom's yelling at me to get off the computer, and I'm gonna be late for work if I'm not careful...shit
 
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Fuck this horrible shit   
04:40am 10/08/2003
 
mood: distressed
I can't believe this is actually happening. I can't believe this. This is wrong. I never thought it would go like this. Goddamn. What am I gonna do afterword? It's gonna be the beginning all over. I'm not ready for this. I'm really not. I just don't even know what to say. Just that I've never felt this vulnerable, and obvious before in my life. I feel exposed, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.
 
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Big baller, shot caller   
01:58am 08/08/2003
 
mood: high
music: Never any music....too late at night.
The following conversation ensued after I was making fun of someone who suddenly refused to be called by her lifelong nick-name...I sarcastically ordered my friends to call me JR from now on:

Heathen:(loudly, to his friend) SOME PEOPLE ARE SO SNOBBY!

Me:Are you talking about me?

Heathen:Did you just tell those girls to call you JR?

Me:(sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I did.

Heathen:(antagonizing)What, are you too good for your old name??

Me:(not about to let him fuck with me) *psh* Ya don't even know...I get better every day...


Ok, I guess you had to be there. Just imagine some dick head trying to be hard, and me looking really cool...I know, you can't even imagine it... I understand. It must be difficult for those of you used to me making an ass out of myself in public.

I'm what you might call "anti-social" or "reclusive". I have, like 3 friends that I can stand right now. David is losing brownie-points at breakneck speed. "I prooooooooooooomise...tomorrow night..." God damnit.
I tested out the fish bowl tonight. Hits hard as hell, and it changed colors a lot, just from one use. Jerry-Nemo, you are my new pal. Katy and I went to David's and chilled for a while. Was feeling pretty unwanted. Sometimes, I just feel like they don't want me there. Like they'd just be happier if I wasn't there. I was joking about it with justin, and he joked back....but I don't know about the rest of them, sometimes. I think I just take stuff too personally.
The fish bowl was wonders. I don't really feel like getting into a story right now, because I'm all high, but I do feel like typing. I guess I'll just tell about my day.

Went to Columbus State, and got all smart an' shit... Oh, wait. I was laready smart ;*)



Jesus, I AM snobby!!!

HA! HA! Damn!

My mother would be proud.


Anyway, I went out with Katy. We slammed on some grub at the Westerville Tim Horton's. Dude gave us a shitload of free timbits...yeah, yeah, hook it up donut man.

Then we went to David's. Took my little brother. I walked outside, and he was filling the beer bong.


*sigh*



My little brother's growing up...
 
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I'm a genius.   
04:48pm 07/08/2003
 
mood: accomplished
music: I never listen to music on the computer...
23. Favorite way to waste time: sleeping, reading, anything with David or Katy

24. If you won $50,000,000 what would you do with it: Take care of my family, my extended family, my friends. Donate it. Have a newspaper column where people write me, and tell me why they need money, and I'll give it to them. I'd start an animal sanctuary, where unwanted and injured animals could go for medical care and rehabilitation, or just to live. I'd travel...everywhere. I'd go all over the world. A house in London, a house in New Zealand.....*sigh* Not that I've really thought it out, or anything...

26. What is your best quality: Uhhh... Oh, I hate these questions. I don't know, maybe...my intelligence.

27. Are you currently in love/lust: *smiles*
28. What's the craziest thing you have ever done: Not much. Maybe flashing a salvation army santa, or mooning a COTA bus. Not much really. I'd love to go cavediving, and skydiving. And scubadiving. Any kind of diving, really.

30. Any bad habits: biting my nails, being posessive, being bossy, spending my money too quickly. Hmm...it's starting to sound like I have quite a volatile personality..

31. Do you find it hard to trust people: Yes...I just keep getting burned.

32. Do you ever doubt yourself: constantly

33. Last book you read: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail- Hunter S. Thompson

34. Last thing you bought for yourself: Caitlin helped me get a lovely new fish bowl.

35. Bath or shower: shower

36. Favorite season: fall

37. Porn or erotica: Both. This brings up an interesting debate. Whether pornography is degrading or empowering to women. I believe it works both ways, and should be used carefully....hmmm, I feel an essay coming on...

38. What is your favorite flavor: texture matters just as much as flavor...right now, clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl sounds good.

39. What is your favorite time of day: right when the night's beginning to unfold, and you're making plans, and everything is coming together. And at the very end of the night, when things have calmed down. Driving with the windows down...music not too loud.

40. Gold or silver: What? Why? ...What a worthless question. All that glitters is not gold.

41. What is the lamest pickup line someone has used on you: All pickup lines are lame, and I will not hesitate to laugh in the face of some pretentious fuck who thinks he can catch my eye by being cocky, and disrespectful.

42. Silk sheets or cotton:
Cotton.
Summer afternoon.
Not too hot.
Naked.
Waking up next to David.

43. Any secret crushes: this girl I met a while ago...artsy, deep, sexy....*shudders* Gotta introduce her to the boyfriend...

44. Do you ever feel you are insane: No. I tend to feel that a lot of people I'm surrounded with are insane.

45. Favorite style of music: Everything. Everythingeverythingeverything.

46. Favorite film genre: Anything that fucks with your head. Or makes you see things from a new angle.

47. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, would you do it: I can't think of much that I wouldn't do. Let's just leave it at that...

48.What do you desire most in life: satisfaction, happiness, achievement, happiness for the people I love. And to open other people's eyes.

49. Do you believe in destiny: No, the choices we make decide where we will go with our lives. We're something like pinballs, I believe. Bouncing around from one thing to the next. We all just have to find the right thing to bounce off of.

50. Is world peace attainable: No. Never has been. Humans will fight no matter where you put them, no matter how far apart they are, they will find one another, and kill, rape and pillage. The things we have to realize, as humans, is that we have a social responsibilty to our fellow man to give of ourselves whatever we can, to try and maintain a level of comfort and security for all people. The everyday choices we make have effects on the entire world around us. By turning a cheeck to the problems the entire world faces on any given day, and only looking for the best bargain, or the tastiest meal, or the priciest gear, we are antagonizing a cycle of violence that can only be stopped by those who are concious of it, realize they are a part of it, and make an effort to end it. By eating meat..even free-range meat (it's not any better) we are perpetuating a cycle of cruelty, and uneeded strain on our environment, and resources. By buying daimonds, we are buying into a system that condones rape as a form of genocide. A system of guerilla troops whos main job description is "hacks well with machete". We can only attain peace by maintaining standards of responsible consumerism, that we hold ourselves, and our fellow humans to, indefinetly.

51. City or country: Country. Can't have animals in the city.

52. Are you more inclined to set short or long term goals for yourself?: Basically, I sit on my arse, and go to concerts, and work at my stupid, meaningless job, yet I want to achive levels of greatness not seen in my family ever before...so I guess long term.



Went and took the placement tests for Columbus state. The whole test is supposed to take 2 1/2 hours. I had to go, and fill out the school application form first. I had the test and the application done in less than a half an hour. Plus, I got the highest score possible in the reading and writing portions. Average in math...figures.
 
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God damned computers   
04:10am 07/08/2003
 
mood: high
music: quietness, except for the GHOSTS IN MY HOUSE!!! GAAHHH!!
This is the second attempt. I wrote this damn long journal entry, then promptly erased the entire god damned thing. So here goes...
So, I went to the Grateful Dead concert tonight. Traffic sucked, so we missed Robert Hunter. He came back on later, though, so it was fine. Went out to the vendors in the parking lots, saw a lot of cool looking people. I bought my self a fish bowl. I used all of my money, and a bit of Caitlin's.

His name is Jerry.

Jerry The Fish.

I promised my brothe I'd wait for him to be present to christen the bowl. As I want this bowl to only bring good luck, and good vibes, I will wait until he is present. Jerry, my friend, you can wait. The brother has dibs.
Talked to David about moving. I had been putting it off, but he brought it up, so I told him how I felt. I had thought that he was gonna get mad at me, but he just told me that he really wants me to go.
I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. He was the only reason I didn't go to the roof of a business with an assault rifle, and start taking people out. (I'm prone to get pent up about things...) He was there when I was working 50 hours a week, going to school full time, and trying to graduate on time, taking care of my mom, trying to earn money for my family, doing all the grocery shopping, with my own money...Taking care of the animals, the little brother...gah...
It was jard, and no on should have to go through that. I would like to add, however, that I handled it quite well. I even made the honor role. So there....


But I don't think I could've done it without him...
 
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You. . . .   
02:50pm 06/08/2003
 
mood: satisfied
Thanks for last night. I don't know what I'd do without you.
 
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*sigh*   
02:17pm 06/08/2003
 
mood: hopeful
music: fans running to keep away the heat. Kids playing outside.
I just realized that I can't write about things on here until after I have them resolved with my friends. It's not right to let your problems go public without letting your friends know first. For instance...I can't write about my friend who's on my shitlist, because she doesn't know, and I can't find a way to tell her she's hurting me. I never can. I have no problem whatsoever telling people to fuck off. But when it comes time to let myself be honestly angry at someone I love...I just can't do it. Am I spineless?




1. I am happiest when: I'm with my baby.

2. I feel lonely when: He's not around/ When I'm in this empty house in the middle of the night, and my friends are gone.

3. The ideal relationship would be:Total equality. Endless, selfless love, and great sex.

4. favorite author:Hunter S. Thompson, Henry Rollins

5. What makes you cry? The future. Loss.

6. Introvert, or extrovert? Introvert, all the way.

7.Do you think too much? Would you be asking if you thought I didn't?

8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? California. Close to the beach. With lots of land, so I could surround myself with animals (horses, and dogs, mostly). But not too far from a big city. I'll go crazy without a city to escape to.

9. If you could meet one famous person, who would it be? Gloria Stienem, Henry Rollins, Hunter S. Thompson. I'd like to meet all the people who I'm related to that I never got to know very well. Like my maternal Great-Grandmother, who owned a brothel. She was a madam, as they called them back in the day. She was married seven times. Four of them were to the same man. She divorced him every time he went to jail, and married someone else. Then, when he'd get out, she'd divorce the interim schmuck, and go back to the backup schmuck. or my Maternal Grandfather, who built bombs for the mafia at his kitchen table. He tried to kill the same guy three times. The guy wouldn't die, and Grampa never went to jail. More on that in another entry...

10. Do you believe in organized religion? I believe that people need something to believe in.

11. Are you pro-choice, or pro-life?Strongly, definetly, and absolutely pro-choice. My uterus is no place for a politcal referendum.

12. Are you a vegetarian? Five years, and still going strong.

13. Do you support the death penalty? Maybe. But not the way we're doing it now. Something has to change.

14. Do angels or demons exist? I don't know. Ever since I was little, I've believed that all animals turn into angels, and that's who watches out for us. Now I believe in reincarnation, but I still believe in karmic angels. If you look out for those around you...human, or non-human, they will look out for you.

15. What would you most like to be doing right now? Getting my shit together.

16. Do you have any regrets? I only regret things I haven't done.

17. Sex or love? Loving sex.

18. Favorite coffee: Tea. With honey.

19. Brand of cigarettes: No coffin nails for me, thanks.

20. What REALLY makes you mad? Apathy. And when people think they are helpless, which is mostly when apathy occurs.



More later. I have to go get ready for this damn concert. This is gonna be great, if we can get there on time...
 
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This isn't gonna stop, is it?   
02:08pm 06/08/2003
 
mood: lonely
music: My brother practicing his guitar
I thought it was going to fall through. Please don't make me do this. Please. Oh god. If this keeps going, I'm not going to have anyone. It seems like everyone I get close to dies or runs away. . . Eventually.
 
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My baby's coming to see me   
01:52am 06/08/2003
 
mood: horny
music: Summer breeze. Weezer with the windows open
It's amazing to me that two people so young can stay together for so long. We've been through so much. We just talked. He's going to come over. What a hornball....
I mean me, of course.
I don't know. I can't explain it. You'd just have to know from experience. It's amazing to have someone there, and be a part of their life, and have them be a part of you. God, there I go.
Well, I suppose part of it is the sex. Don't get me wrong...David is a smart, funny, and sometimes...even sweet guy...let's just say that those aren't usually the things that keep me up at night....mmmm.

He better hurry up.




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*Sigh* We grow up so quickly....   
01:32am 06/08/2003
 
mood: contemplative
music: Weezer, in Katy's car, with the windows down.
Everything just goes by so fast....I know this summer is gonna last till I go back to school...but how long is that? All my friends are leaving. Going off to kick-start professional lives. Gone off to be one step closer to marriage, children, stagnation. What the hell am I doing? Running in place? I'm treading water here, and the harder I kick, the more people I lose...
It seems to me that I have made some very poor decisions, of late.
 
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Hmmmm....   
05:07am 05/08/2003
 
mood: naughty
music: sounds of clicking on the computer.And my own dirty thoughts
I just had a conversation with my boyfriend about me finding women sexually attractive. He was like " jeni, I've kinda noticed you might be into girls"
DING DING DING!!!!! What do we have for him, Phil??
He's won a brand new Car!!!
....Maybe he really isn't as onto me as I thought.
I think he figured it out one of the times I pointed out a hot girl to him in public. Or maybe it was when I was looking for porn on his computer, and I searched for "girl on girl". Or maybe it was when I tried to watch "Girls Gone Wild" at his house, and got pissed off when I realized it was ...shall we say...lacking in the goods... It's not that I would ever have a relationship with a woman. I'm not interested in that. I'm very definetly heterosexual to that extent. But..I don't know...There's just something there. Women posess a sexualty that men cannot copy, or imitate. It's wholly, and undeniably female. Femininity in itself is sexual, and loving, and mysterious. But at the same time, so dangerous, as to be impossible to catch, or hold onto. Fleeting, yet somehow time consuming. When I think about a woman sexually, I think about long, slow, soft, and warm. Then, my mind begins to wander. When it comes to men.... I can honestly say I don't think about anyone but David. Don't want to. I know he'd probably do whatever I asked him in bed, and he's pretty good at what he does ;0) So, I think I've just found something that David can enjoy with me....does that make any sense?
We talked about having a threesome. I'm totally down. There are just so many snags.
1. I'd get jealous
This is the main reason. I don't know if I could handle another girl in the bed. He's been mine...all mine for a long time. Now, I'm supposed to let someone else come into the most intimate part of our relationship?
2. I'd get self-concious
What if she was prettier than me? Had a better body? Moved better? Thinner? Longer hair? I know
David likes long hair...
3.I'd feel weird afterword
What if I wasn't enough for him afterword?What if he realizes how boring I am??
4.I don't want any diseases.
Girls can give girls STD's. too.
5I can't become my worst cheauvanist nightmare, and use a girl for her body.
If I want a girl for a sexual reason, and never want to see her again...then I would be using her for her body.
I need a girl who wants to use me for my body....Yeah, that's it. A girl who doesn't want to have anything
to do with me after the fact. Someone who just wants some action.
6. If she touched him...I'd kill her.
I'm a bit afraid that it would turn into a naked catfight. Which I'm sure David wouldn't have a problem with...'

I think I'm putting way too much thought into this...But just in case, If anyone jnows a girl who wants to use me for my body.....My e-mail's around here somewhere....Myriadsun@aol.com.....bring it on....I just realized David's gonna read this....hmmmm to erase, or not to erase?
Can't wait till the Grateful Dead concert. Caitlin's coming, and Kyleigh's coming. Brendan, and Donovan, and Pam...Oh, It's gonna be so much fun. Be carefree for an evening...My life's goal...accomplished in one evening with a motley crew of wandering dreamers.

Goodnight.
 
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03:35am 05/08/2003
  I like this color. It's clean and relaxing. The dark ones are pretty. But I get depressed easily. I suppose I should explain the name. Doormousesaid. As in- "remember what the doormouse said: Feed your head". I have the urge to talk about my boyfriend. Ugh. That term sounds so stupid. Boyfriend... say it enough, you start to feel like you're 6 years old again. He's quite a guy. Been together three years. That's a damn long time. I think he knows me almost better than anyone (almost). He just pretends not to, so he can get away with more, by saying he doesn't understand. That's OK. I probably would too, if I were him. Sometimes I don't even understand why I do things. Now he can't sleep. I wish I could fly, so I could visit him when he's sleeping. Hey...that sounded kinda creepy....
Now, I'm off to take stupid internet quizzes, and post them on my journal...if I can figure out how.
 
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I miss my dog.   
02:57am 05/08/2003
  Well, this is it. The first entry. The maiden voyage. I wonder what kind of drama this will bring with it. You know what I'm talking about "Did you see what ---- wrote about me on her live journal?!" As for the title...I got my dog, Keesha put to sleep. We got my other dog, a yellow lab named Dutchess put down in March. It's almost like she was never here at all. It's weird not having a dog in the house. I don't remember what it's like to not have a furry throw rug following you around wherever you go. They smelled, but they were worth it. Now, every time I hear a noise, I get all paranoid. They were reassuring, even when they started slowing down, you at keast knew they were there with you, and you had someone to protect you if anything happened. God, I miss them.
Went to the Dublin Irish festival this weekend. Saw Flogging Molly Saturday, and Sunday. Saturday, the fire department almost shut us down for the noise, and crowd. I'm surprized they were allowed to play Sunday. Only $7 bucks. It was so worth it. That was like, the 10th time I've seen them live. I moshed until I couldn't breathe, then I jumped around until my eardrum broke. Literally. I'm excited to read this, so I'll update more later...
 
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