Date:	Tuesday, March-25 @ 22:38
Subject:
Mood:	accomplished

I just moved to a new webpage @ http://www.msoe.edu/~moertlm/doods

Date:	Saturday, March-22 @ 12:23
Subject:
Mood:	geeky

Well I finally sold my DAOC accounts for $355. The guy asked for the "secret words" (the word used in getting the account back if it is stolen), but I don't have it. When I made my accounts, I just put in random letters for both of the secret words. I explained it to him and I hope he understands.

Hmm what else can I whine about today? :P Well my throat is still hurting :( I think this is day #4 of it. Dunno what the heck is wrong with it, maybe it is the weather which keeps changing, or who knows. It's moreso annoying now than anything else.

I took a quiz that was on Chrisy's site. I think it's wrong though, because I don't think this is really me :P

Date:	Friday, March-21 @ 21:45
Subject:
Mood:	bored

Someone better buy my account! I'm getting tired of people emailing me about trade offers, or about buying my stupid respec stone.. Damn them!

I'm so boreddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Date:	Thursday, March-20 @ 00:14
Subject:
Mood:	okay

Not much going on here.. I'm a pretty boring person so not much really happens :P

My throat is still feeling a little icky. It is doing a little better than before, but I'm not sure if its gonna stay that way. I never get sore throats for this long unless I am sick. My nose has that icky sick feeling a little bit, but other than that I don't really feel sick.

Chrisy is feeling better I think. I hope it stays that way :( I'd hate to see my baby get sick :( I've really been missing her voice, and I was going to ask to call tonight. But with her feeling icky and stuff, I decided not to. I wasn't sure if she was feeling better and if she would have felt up to it at all, but I didn't want to ask and seem insensitive if she was still feeling bad; because her feeling better is the most important thing to me.

Not much going on here.. Just got back from class, and my throat is still killing me :( Oh well, I'm sure I am not getting sick, but I never get sore throats for this long...

I have some good news and bad news...

The good news is, Chrisy got her new axolotl, yay :) And they actually sent the right one this time. It's the cutest thing in the world (second to Chrisy of course :P).

The bad news is, Chrisy is feeling icky :( My poor baby :( She is feeling like crap all over.. I hope she gets better soon :( I hate seeing her feeling like that.. I only wish that I could be there with her, taking care of her :( Please get better soon honey!

Now it's time to work on homework.. Oh boy oh boy!

Date:	Tuesday, March-18 @ 16:59
Subject:
Mood:	good

Well, I'm doing a lot better today than I have been the past few days. I owe it all to Chrisy :) We had a little talk about something that has been bothering me (my fault, not hers) and I feel a lot better now.. She rocks :)

My parents are supposed to call me later about something. I know what it is about and I know it could either be a good conversation, or a really bad one.. We shall see...

Date:	Monday, March-17 @ 01:21
Subject:
Mood:	loved

Well, I tried to get to sleep shortly after Chrisy and I got off the phone, but I couldn't =/ I wanted to try to get myself on her sleeping schedule a bit, but maybe I'll have to work on that. I actually felt kinda tired when I tried to go to sleep, but then my headache (which I had off and on during the day) started kicking back in. It is also very warm in my room, even with the window partially open, since it is warm outside. So I gave up :P Maybe I'll get tired again soon.

Well, a lot has happened today :P The biggest thing, is a discussion between Chrisy and myself. I will not go into any detail about it, because it is a private discussion between us two. (as if anyone else reads this journal but eh :P). I am glad we had the discussion, and I think Chrisy is too.

The other thing, is the delay of Star Wars Galaxies, again! It was originally supposed to be released in Summer '02, then it was pushed back to Dec - Feb '03, and then April 15th. Now it is delayed until who knows when. It probably won't be released until Summer '03 now, if not later :( I really really hope I get in the BETA, so I can at least have something to do to alleviate my boredom :(

This also brings up another point. Why am I so dependant on computer games? If I don't have a game to play, then I just sit there, bored. Instead, I could be doing something productive. At times, I even hound Chrisy, which in turn causes conflict. I really hate who I am, and who I have become from games. Don't get me wrong, without DAOC, I wouldn't have met Chrisy. I am very thankful for that. But games have killed my social life, caused me to lose contact with friends, and just made me an ass. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but I have to right now, just because I need a kick in the ass. If there is anything I have realized lately, is that...

I feel completely worthless :(

I feel that way right now, and maybe it'll change when I sleep and wake up in the morning. But that's still how I feel right now. I considered not posting this entry, only because it makes me look bad. But it is the truth, it is how I feel at this point, and it is important, at least to me. For the first time in a while, I just sat there, thinking about myself. I thought about who I am, what I do every day, and how I have acted lately. The truth is, I was turning into something I didn't want to be. I say "was", because identifying my problems is the first step to correcting them. Hopefully I can find ways to correct them, and soon.

Date:	Saturday, March-15 @ 20:01
Subject:
Mood:	scared

Hi again :P

Not much to say really. I'm kinda worried about Chrisy. I know she says nothing is really wrong, and I know that she would hate me thinking that something was.. But there seems to be, and I dunno what it is. She is just overly quiet (maybe she is busy), and just, I dunno. Maybe she is just not interested in talking to me lately :( I know that probably isn't it, but who knows... I know I am boring at times, and I have been messing up a lot today.. Maybe it's starting to turn her off or something :( All of these are just guesses, cause I dunno what is really wrong.. Maybe nothing.. Maybe I am imagining all of it. Or maybe there is something.. I truly hope there isn't :(

I had a dream last night, and it scared me... And I couldn't really remember all of it until now. It is still pretty sketchy because I am never good at remembering dreams. I was with Chrisy, just like we are now. We talked on the phone for a while straight, then we just stopped. I asked if I could call her back but she said no. Then we started talking online, and I must have said the wrong things because she stopped talking to me on there. I tried calling her house but no one would answer, until her mother finally picked up and told me that Chrisy didn't want to talk to me ever again. I asked why, and then we instantly hung up, and a paper came out of my printer (lol) that listed reasons. I don't remember many of them, or even how many there were.. But I do remember one: "I was bored". I started crying and then I appeared back home. Buddy and Rudy (our dogs) were actually humans now and they laughed at me for some reason. I laid down, and I couldn't move. I thought about how I lost Chrisy because I was stupid and then I closed my eyes and woke up, sweating.

Scared the hell out of me.. I don't want any of that to ever happen in real life, and I sure hope it isn't now :(

Date:	Saturday, March-15 @ 16:12
Subject:
Mood:	tired

Yay! Chrisy is back :P But she is taking a nap right now... Shhhh, don't wake her! If you do, I'll fart on youuuuuuuu! :P

The weather is actually very very nice right now, which is surprising. It is about 58 degrees right now, woot. I already walked to get a haircut and goto the store earlier today. It was very nice being able to walk outside without freezing my non-existent butt off :P Hopefully it'll stay that way, but most likely, it won't.

Dunno what else to say. No one has bid on my DAOC account yet.. Damn them! I need the money so I can visit Chrisy again.. Cmon, bid bid bid bid bid!

Days until Star Wars Galaxies is released: 30

Well I'm pretty bored over here :P My internet was down from about 4:00 till 6:30 but it seems to be okay now.. Hopefully it'll stay that way :P

I've been mostly watching TV, and missing the heck out of Chrisy of course :P One thing though... I always see people lose their loved ones on TV shows or in movies, and I don't really understand how they would deal with that. I can barely live without Chrisy for like a day and a half.. :P My life is truly boring without her.

With that said, I hope she is having lots of fun :) I miss her to death, but she should be back online in about... 19-20 hours and counting.. Yayyyyyyyyyyyy :P I miss ya babe!

Date:	Friday, March-14 @ 15:34
Subject:
Mood:	lonely

I miss my babyyyy!!! :( Hope she is having fun though :) If you read this Chrisy, I hope you are having a great time and I miss you very very much :) Love ya!

Date:	Friday, March-14 @ 11:32
Subject:
Mood:	indifferent

Well I got up at about 10:30 and Chrisy wasn't online, so I'm assuming that her friend Michelle is there now. I really hope they're having fun :) Chrisy has been wanting to see her for quite a while, and they finally arranged something. Michelle is staying with Chrisy from today until sometime in the afternoon tomorrow (Saturday). I know I'm gonna miss Chrisy to death since she won't be online at all :( but at least I know she is having fun, which makes me happy. Other than that, I'm having a boring day so far :P Classes in an hour and a half.. oh boy oh boy!

Date:	Thursday, March-13 @ 12:44
Subject:
Mood:	okay

Well, I preordered SWG (Star Wars Galaxies) today. I've been waiting for that game for over a year and a half (since before I started DAOC), and it is finally only a month away from being released (unless something happens). I can't wait :) The more screenshots I see of it, the more I fall in love with it. I think it'll be a blast to play :)

I showed Chrisy some of the screenshots, and she says it almost makes her want to play :P I feel bad, because I know that she doesn't really want to start another online game, in case she gets addicted to it like DAOC. Part of me wants her to play though. I had sooooo much fun playing DAOC with her.. It is simply indescribable. It was so great being able to spend time with her in game, sharing lots of experiences and having a blast together. I miss that, I really really do. If she plays SWG, then I think we can share those experiences together again. But, if she decides that she doesn't want to play, then I will totally respect that and support her. I don't want to get her caught up in something that will sacrifice her time and commitment to other things (if that makes sense), much like DAOC did. So if she wants to play, then great, it'll be a blast :) If not, then that's okay too :) I want what is best for my baby :)

Date:	Wednesday, March-12 @ 23:15
Subject:
Mood:	chipper

Chrisy and I took a compatability test from Similarminds and these were the results

Here are your test results with Chrisy in case you want to save them.
The results are:
you are 85% similar
you are 82% complementary

Wooot, guess it's true.. We are meant to be :)

Date:	Wednesday, March-12 @ 20:00
Subject:
Mood:	hopeful

I seem to be having a better night than the last few days. I'm not sure if I am just getting over my initial depression, or just got sick of being so hard on myself and being so down. Part of me was afraid that Chrisy was becoming frustrated with me, in how negative I was being, and maybe that had something to do with it. I am not sure if I will stay in this "better" mood or just fall back into my blah one, but hopefully this will last.

Chrisy got her new axolotl today. Woot! :) She had wanted a white one, or even an albino one, but they sent her a brown one :( It's too bad.. She was really really looking forward to having a white one. Poor baby :( I feel really bad for her :(

Date:	Wednesday, March-12 @ 13:48
Subject:
Mood:	depressed

Hmm, I think I'm starting to get really depressed. I know it's only a temporary thing, but it is still hurting me. I miss Chrisy sooooo much, I miss talking to her on the phone, I miss playing DAOC with her, I am sick of classes, I am bored to death, I have nothing to do, I don't really know many people here (because I was being so anti-social at the beginning of the school year, so that in turn made me not have many friends here =/). All of those are factoring into me being depressed. I don't really know what to do :( I've been trying to find something to keep me busy but all my attempts have failed. I can't understand why Chrisy even puts up with me.. I'm not even a person, I'm just a slug that sits here all day complaining and putting myself down.. That can't be that attractive :(

Date:	Wednesday, March-12 @ 02:12
Subject:
Mood:	crappy

Another crappy day =/

I've had an overall crappy day. Classes were crappy, tonight was crappy (because of the Ebay thing) and I've just been in a blah and lonely mood all day. I really wish I could deal with things a lot better. I've tried to improve in the past, with how I deal with certain situations or feelings, but it still hasn't helped me much. I still get very pessimistic and negative at times, when really things aren't as bad as they seem. This probably doesn't make much sense, as to why I am saying all of this or anything. But I've been feeling blah and lonely lately, and I can't get rid of it. I know I'll be okay in a couple weeks or so (hopefully), but right now I just don't know what to do :(

I also started trying to vector with Paint Shop Pro. It was going okay but for some reason, it was trying to blend things together in a really crappy way. I want it to just make solid colors when I flood fill selections, instead of putting a strip of a lighter/darker color on the edges. But I suck at doing graphical stuff, so I probably won't be able to figure out how to fix it =/ Oh well... Just add it to the list of things Matt sucks at.

Guess I'll lay down and watch some TV and hopefully fall asleep soon, and put an end to this crappy day.

Date:	Wednesday, March-12 @ 01:04
Subject:
Mood:	bored

I finally got around to putting up my DAOC accounts on Ebay. Problem is, they didn't like how I set it up the first time (linking to my webpage with all the information) so they banned my account :( Luckily I had another Ebay account so I listed my accounts again. This time, I took every precaution to prevent them from banning me again (mentioned that I was selling my time for levelling the characters and not Mythic property, and placing all the information on their site). Hopefully it won't get banned again.

So basically now I'm just sitting here, frustrated from the Ebay thing, and lonely. I really miss Chrisy's voice. We haven't talked on the phone in a couple days, but that's okay. I miss it but I know she has been busy or hasn't felt up to it, which is perfectly okay. The last thing I want is for her to say "sure" to me calling when really she doesn't feel up to it.

Now I have the task of finding something to do :P Not sure what I'll do but I guess I'll try to find something :P

Date:	Tuesday, March-11 @ 17:35
Subject:
Mood:	hungry

Hmm well, classes went okay I guess. I really really hate Chemistry though... I hate it with a passion. I should have gotten credit for it since I took basically the same thing at my last school (Arizona State University) but the bastards wouldn't give the credit to me. Oh well... Shit happens I guess.

I was logging into DAOC to leave the guilds on my characters and to whipe my "friends list" for each in game, and it was really hard to do so. I really had second thoughts about selling. I am in a depressed mood right now, and probably will be for a couple weeks (because of having to leave Chrisy's house, and missing her) and part of me wishes we still could play DAOC together. We had so many fun times in it, and it was a nice way for us to spend time with each other. But I guess we both need to move on, her more than me. She has said that DAOC has been a bad thing in her life, and even though part of me wishes we still played, I totally understand and respect her decision to stop playing. It'll probably be a good thing for me too, maybe...