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Friday, December 12th, 2003
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2:30a
I'm still here.
I just don't want to write about the Ludi Saeculares (Secular Games, which are not even remotely secular by our meaning of the word as they are infact a religious festival of renewal!). Who could blame me? ;)
However, I'm not tired really, and I don't have to get up at that criminally early hour of the morning that I normally do on Fridays tomorrow, so I can stay in bed a little longer;)
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Ok, ( this is random and off topic )
But I miss him, and it's nice to feel like he's around, smiling his lost puppy smile at strangers. Enjoy kids!
current mood:  busy
current music: Sacred Love::Sting (4 comments |comment on this)
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3:24a
I think I might actually have finished.
*phew* I don't think I believed it'd ever be over!
I don't know really why I'm obsessively updating about this! Something to do I suppose.
I keep meaning to update with interesting things, but so far this essay has really been getting in the way of that, but hey - I can use the train journeys tomorrow to write Phoenix. Wahey!!
For instance, Kelly and I had a really good talk for once on Sunday night, and I've been too busy to write anythig about it. Though not too busy to take three Enneagram tests hey? ;)
I will, I promise, talk more about it tomorrow - bed now. And possibly proof-reading.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Dead Man's Rope::Sting (2 comments |comment on this)
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7:47p
Muhahhahh! I am free!
- Sorry, let the inner demon out for a sec. I'll just push him back in....
*much hammering and groaning, possibly thunder and cats sqealing for good measure, a la Goon Show sound FX*
....'Kay, better now.;)
Hehehe.
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Much time has passed, 'tis now midnight. I've had much needed sleep *big satisfied smile* and some quality tv watching time where I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not working! And in a bit I'm going back upstairs to watch 'Sleepy Hollow' which I still haven't watched, despite the fact that we've had it on video for about six months!
( on R. )
So, Kelly and I on Sunday....
If it hasn't become obvious from previous posts, sometimes I don't actually enjoy going to the pub with my friends that much. We go to the pub down the road from our old school, near to where Emma lives, a bit further from where Kelly lives and half an hour's walk up some truly evil Sheffield hills from where I live. But we've been doing it since the last year of school. We go for the quizzes they have on Sundays and Tuesdays, which we're not very good at but have a go at anyway. It gives us a chance to see each other and Kelly a chance to ogle her old men eye-candy (she's like me, but without the taste;))
Now, it's great to see them sometimes. Sometimes it's just what I need, but sometimes it depesses me utterly for reasons I'm not quite sure of, even now.
My friend Emma is one of those people who talk obsessively about themselves and honestly think that you'll always be interested. She brings her family, friends and boyfriend to the pub with her. In fact she just sent me a text asking if she could bring another person I've never met to do the quiz with us. It's not that I mind all the time, in fact it doesn't bother me as much as it used to when we were at uni. Because I missed home and my mates so much when I was in Durham and when I would come, everything Emma and Kel said was a reminder that they were having a great time at uni, with their new friends and actually didn't like coming home that much. And bringing people that I don't know along shuts me up, because I'm pretty rubbish at talking to strangers. So if I was feeling bad I couldn't talk to my friends who I hadn't see or spoken to for two months, because Emma's perfect life had invaded us.
( On angst again. Lets get it out there instead of letting it fester! )
I just get hurt by her stories, I'm not really sure why.
So anyway, last Sunday she made herself scarce for about fifteen minutes talking to her 17 year old friend Dan, who she's convinced fancies her (that's another thing - we never see all these people who fancy her so much and it always makes me feel about two inches high, no-one ever does that to me) and me and Kel had a really good, proper, friends talk. Which we don't do very often.
I was feeling kinda low, and when I feel like that I'm probably quite a challenge to be around. I want them to try and make me feel better, not just tell me to snap out of it. Talk to me, because that almost always makes me feel better, and in half an hour I'll be feeling like a selfish idiot because I was depressed.
we talked about men and how I feel inadequate because I don't have a boyfriend and most everyone else does - it's that pesky competitive streak again, I'm afraid. Kelly doesn't, as it happens, so it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one!
And we talked about R. She thinks I should email him soon if I miss him, because he probably misses me too and it's encouraging to hear stuff like that from Kelly, because she didn't usually express an opinion on him that much. It was good to hash over the old stuff that happened at school, just to reassure myself that it did happen, and take stock of things.
I said I'd forgotten it all now, didn't I?! But it was good at the time. It nourishes the soul I think, because I don't get connections like that with my friends as often as I feel I should. I have my mum for that pretty much, but I can't really talk to her about R., or only in a jokey way.
So connection was had. And we'll have to see if by some miraculous fortune it happens again on Sunday. But if Emma's friend does come (and it's not as if I can say no, is it?) don't hold your breath!
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: Dead Man's Rope::Sting (comment on this)
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