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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
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1:22a
I feel prolific today;)
People continue strange.
Why is is that if I search for people with 'older men' as an interest I get freaky sex obsessed types? Or men looking to cheat on their wives? What is with that exactly?! I am not open to older guys because I'm a nymphomaniac - rather the opposite. And whole communities created based on crushes on teachers? I'm here to tell you guys that it is not a good idea, trust me, I know.
Anyway - I'm still stressing about this damn essay and all I really want to do is get somewhere with my submission for the  writingprojects awards. I thought we had much longer actually, and then I checked my friends page and saw  misscharlie's reminder. Shit.
Anyway - I was on track to feel seriously alienated again, hence the manic updating today - to get me to think about something else. Sometimes I think that my retreat to the lighthouse plan isn't such a bad one. Then I remember how miserable I was in Durham and I re-think the strategy.
I miss R. again. Mum is apt to say things that make me feel as if I shouldn't. I guess she's just trying to say whatever she feels needs to be said, but it sets my guilt off. And as we've discovered lately, it doesn't really take much to set my guilt off. The bizarre thing is that my parents don't get this guilt thing at all. They also don't really understand my competitive streak, which again they don't share. Hmmm, I wonder who's genetic inheritance that is then, or what promoted it's growth in me.
Ah, the guilt thing. Is this as good a time as any to go into my guilt over R.? Well, lets see how far I get.
Well there are plenty of things to be guilty over that aren't my fault, but a by-product of this horrible situation. These are all things that he will also be able to feel guilty about, probably to a much greater extent that me as they're all rooted in his life and not mine. But let me just take this opportunity to say that falling in love with a married man is not much fun, and I don't recommend it. Don't think badly of him - he's an honest guy and nothing happened that could possibly count as adultery. But feelings continue and like I said a few entries ago, I see the truth now in what I didn't dare believe then. I feel lost and confused by life and what is expected of me as a 21 year old British girl. I'm just not what they are. All I want is to curl up with him and try and take that sadness out of his eyes.
Is that something I should feel guilty about?
current mood:  sad (2 comments |comment on this)
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