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Monday, November 10th, 2003
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1:55a - A Newcastle ship without coals, they would sail to the island of souls
I feel ill again today, both mentally and, just for fun, physically too. I've got a splitting headache and a cough come sore throat. I'm sure it'll sod off soon, I'm never ill for long, but it's just one of those times where you think, oh - ill, fab! My mum did point out that a person's immune system isn't as hot when they're depressed so perhaps I'm my own worst enemy again!
I hate when I get like this. It's so negative and trapping. I can't honestly remember if this is normal or not. I've been unhappy, or dreading being unhappy, for the last three years in Durham and I know that being back home makes me better. When I get the train back from Leeds to Sheffield there's the minute that the train rushes past Tinsley viaduct and the twin cooling towers and Meadowhall that means I'm home. I have to look up for the cooling towers every time, there and back. Pulling into Sheffield station gives me such a lift. I remember what it was like to come home after a term at uni and just feel so grateful that it was all over for four weeks and I could get back to being me again. And I remember forcing myself not to cry when we went past on the way back to Durham. It was a sentence, and the viaduct and the towers marked the end of home and the end of comfort.
Place and trains combined does tend to have a strong effect on me though. Pulling in or out of Newcastle does the same thing. Once we're over the Tyne on that railway bridge and you can see the four other bridges down to your right stretching out across the river, it's so emotional. And of course I always think of the Sting song 'I Was Brought To My Senses' that starts Alone with my thoughts this evening/I walked on the banks of Tyne. And then I have to force myself not to cry! I'm not sure why Newcastle always made me happy, in a sad kinda way, perhaps because I think, of all the UK cities I've visited (which is most of them) it's the most like Sheffield. So when I would visit Newcastle for the day (it's 15 minutes on the train from Durham) I'd be home again.
I never realised how homesick I would be. The first day I knew I'd be miserable, but I didn't really expect it to last for three years!
Anyway. Yes, so ill and not really wanting to do anything. But nevertheless I journeyed to Emma's to watch a dvd, for it is her 22nd birthday today (Sunday) and normally we'd have gone to our pub tonight, but it's being refurbished and turned into some kind of fancy chain pub:( So we went to the Robin Hood instead and did their quiz, which wasn't great. The movie was fun though, because it was so awful - within the first ten minutes we were all like: the husband did it! And lo, twas the husband!
However, everything was a bit coupley (Emma and Nic, her friends Mark and Pepper, her sister Jo and her boyfriend Adam) and you know how it is when everyone else is in a couple. Having never been in one myself I've only seen it from the one side, and it kinda sucks.
So in addition to feeling ill I could feel myself get more and more depressed - not for any particular reason, just becasue. Kelly drove us there and after she'd taken Em and Nic back we drove past R.'s house and I just started crying. I missed him. And when Kel brought me home I started really crying in the car. Combination of not wanting to face up to things in Leeds and missing R. I think. Emma's on anti-depressants and I'm starting to wonder if I should be too.
First I thought it was R. Then Durham. Then my friends. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's just me. I said that now its just my problems with no filter, just me. And it terrifies me.
On the other hand, I am probably just 'hormonal', which is what mum would say. It's sound advice though, because it makes you want to snap out of it so you don't feel an idiot - another thing I'm scared of.
I just don't feel like a whole person yet. I'm not sure if many people do in their twenties, but when the people around you seem like they're getting it all sorted it starts to become a worry. I know it's not a race and all in good time and all that stuff, but it's hard not to think - what's wrong with me? I was in love, I think maybe I still am, for six years with the same man. And I don't think I want to be in love with someone else, which probably means I'm not ready to move on, but waiting longer seems wrong. I feel like it should all be happening and it's not. I don't want to be by myself anymore, I'm too good at it! Unfortunately my stubborn streak prevents me from taking on someone I'm not truly interested in, so I think casual is out.
I just look at all these people and wonder if they know how lucky they are. The man I love is unavailable to me despite what he might feel. I don't even know that - whether he loved me too. I feel cheated I guess, that my first go at this was with a beautiful wonderful man that I couldn't even touch. It cheapens the whole thing, and people assume it can't have been serious because it was unspoken. Well, we have a pretty comprehensive catalogue of why it was unspoken. We covered all the bases. Taboo city. It didn't make me love him any less.
Ramble city too. This is what I get like when I miss him. It gets boring for me because I've been there before.
current mood:  sick
current music: Rolling Stones::She's Like A Rainbow (2 comments |comment on this)
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10:51a
Less depressed but more ill, yay! I've actually got that essay to rewrite, and I'd quite like to get it out of the way at the beginning part of the week so I can concentrate on my assignments for Roman Religion. Arrrgghhhh!
current mood: sick (3 comments |comment on this)
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