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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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12:21a
I don't feel very well today. In fact I feel like a failure. I'm trying to be confident, even arrogant, in order to not get depressed but it really doesn't seem to work. I guess it's my own fault though. My hormones are all over the place at the moment, so I'm overly emotional anyway. But I feel scared, and squirmy and embarassed. Perhaps I've been in academia too long now and it's time to take the hint and do something else. I wish there was someone to blame who isn't me, but there isn't so there no use pretending - I only feel this way when I know I'm wrong. Sometimes, I feel as though I've unconsciously made all the wrong choices and what I'm left with is a coping mechanism for my mistakes.
I'll propbably snap out of this tomorrow, so apologies in advance for my angst. But right now I feel quite helpless, and this journal is a good alternative to other, rather less healthly coping mechanisms.
current mood:  crushed (2 comments |comment on this)
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3:15a - Angst continued, so more apologies!
Ok, after much crying and listening to Johnny Cash (I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel/I focus on the pain/The only thing that's real...What have I become/My sweetest friend/Everyone I know/Goes away in the end) whose words (or rather, his version of someone else's words!) seem extremely appropriate today, I've decided that I shouldn't let myself be judged by other people's standards so much. I feel so guilty, embarrassed, mortified (in more than one sense) when I discover that I'm not good at something, or that I've done something wrong. Here's where it gets personal, so I'm gonna place this behind a cut.
( Read more... )
current mood: depressed
current music: Hurt::Johnny Cash (in my head) (5 comments |comment on this)
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