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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
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3:23p
Phew, two of the hardest days of the week are over. Tuesday was actually pretty pointless! After all that stressing over my essay, I went in and said: Well, I haven't done it, I confess! And Prof. Maltby was fine about it because he was buried in paperwork himself! So I'm to hand something in either the end of this week (probably not!) or Monday of next. I was getting very into the mechanics of writing the thing, but when it actually came to putting pen to paper it just wouldn't come. Perhaps my brain has now decided it needs a computer keyboard to function properly. Grr.
Yesterday was great though, at the Graduate Seminar. Hannah, Sophie and Juliet were leading the discussion (our first proper seminar) about Medea, in the Euripides play. I'd come in a couple of hours before and done the student thing, sitting in Bar Mezz in the union with my hot chocolate, reading up. So when the time came I did actually have something to say! It was great actually, not half as nerve racking as I'd have thought. Perhaps the whole public speaking thing just doesn't get to me quite the way it used to, and now I'm only as nervous as anyone else, rather than mind-numbingly so. And, most excitingly, next week, Lindsey's going to present a paper on Mezentius in the Aeneid. Woohoo! He's one of my top characters, so hopefully much scope for engagement there too.
I'm still not really getting a chance to write though:(
However, I do feel a lot more settled and content. Perhaps it's the influence of watching Brideshead Revisited on video. At least I don't have catholicism to contend with! No, what I mean is that I have that very comforting feeling that everything will work out in the end. Some man will come along, there'll be a job that I'll enjoy and I'll have time to foist my writing on the world and be succesful with it. You know, it's the oddest thing, creativity, of whatever kind, be it my art or writing, is the only thing I never have doubts about. I know I'm good enough. I guess that's why careers and so on never worried me before, in my heart I believe I'll be secure. After all, I do have R. to write about!
I'm not missing him so much at the moment. It feels so odd not to, but so stupid when I do. I mean, I haven't spoken to the guy, excpet by email, for over two years. But love doesn't give in so soon obviously. I don't think I'm the kind of person who's supposed to be 'out there' (and God how I hate that phrase!) having random boyfriends. I give more of myself, and with greater ease now than I ever have before. But perhaps secretly I think my mum's right, and it's not worth bothering with yet. What is it that people say: you've got to invest in yourself first? Well perhaps I'll take that and run with it for a bit.
See? It's all that Brideshead making me English and reserved! (Not that I can deny that either of those two words would be appropriate in describing me. Though I'd rather not be English!)
current mood:  mellow
current music: The Mezzotint::M.R. James, read by Michael Hordern (5 comments |comment on this)
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3:42p - Phoenix and the Schoolmaster again.
I've only had inspiration for planning so far, so:
I figured out, or at least I think I have, that the narrative should take a decline/re-birth/decline cycle, from Autumn to Autumn. So five sections and perhaps 13 chapers.
And note to self: Midsummer Day is on 21st of June in the UK. (An appropriately symbolic day for their relationship to go further, if I decide that's how it'll go.)
Autumn: the start of the academic year, so in a sense the beginning of one cycle as well as the start of the decline of another. Melancholic in atmosphere - the decline of summer, small markers pointing towards winter are quite ominous as they get more significant.
Winter: Weather is always a big factor in British winters - so take the power of that into account. Everything is dying, decaying, freezing - stasis.
Spring: The gradual (for realism, particularly if weather is theme too) change from winter. From snow drops, almost to Midsummer.
Summer: The end of an academic year - and freedom for anyone in academic life (July). It's also satisfaction, warmth, fulfillment?
September repeated starts the process over again.
( When in the library, this popped into my head when I was thinking about winter )
current mood:  tired
current music: Casting the Runes::M.R. James, read by Michael Hordern (2 comments |comment on this)
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