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Monday, October 27th, 2003
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12:19p
I'm still procrastinating, but less so than I was yesterday. Actually I'm realising how hard this essay is to write - because there are so many sections that correspond with each other and so many poems to discuss. Grrr. Also, I'm really out of practice at the moment, though I guess not any more than I usually am at the time of year when essay writing comes round.
I'm worried about nothing, I'm sure. If I go in tomorrow and say, well, I haven't finished, but I'm half way through, I'm sure he won't rip my head off or anything. It's just that Leeds is new, and I don't want to screw up, at all. I've already got Roman Religion to worry about, and the grad. seminars. I don't want that sinking guilt feeling to come back. That I really don't miss at all.
current mood:  worried
current music: I'll Fly Away::Alison Kraus, Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch (3 comments |comment on this)
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6:46p
et vivax phoenix, unica semper avis
and the long-lived Phoenix, bird ever alone of its kind
(Ovid, Amores 2.6.54)
Mmmmmm, thanks Ovid, given me an idea there. Just writing it down so I don't forget that I've had it!
current mood:  sore
current music: Radio 4::Quote, Unquote (aka, Pretentious Bastards) (comment on this)
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11:43p
I wonder why I'm always so much more depressed when I come back from the pub. obviously it didn't help that there were people at the next table talking about R., but still. I just get that sinking, 'this is enough' feeling, and on it goes. I come home and my mum's all - don't get depressed, you have to do well at Leeds, what are you going to do with your life...etc. Now that's odd for my parents, and I don't want to come over like they're always at me to get a paying job, coz nothing could be further from the truth, but sometimes, little remarks sting like hell. The last time I cut was the result of one of them, and I know I over-react and I shouldn't take it all so badly, but it's just tapping into my own fears about everything: jobs, careers, men, all that 'grown-up' stuff. I've always been scared of those things, its just that now they're coming into focus. Losing R. (or never having him in the first place really) is the most painful thing that's ever happened to me. I still get stomach-flips when people mention him, I was fifteen when I fell in love with him. I want to move on, but it's so damn hard. I keep thinking, where the hell am I going to meet someone - I hate drinking coz my dad's an alcoholic, dancing embarrasses me, I probably scare strangers even though I don't mean to. Which would probably make me laugh under normal circumstance, but right now just makes me want to cry and give up. I hate that feeling - I don't quit, I stay with things - so why do I get that 'you might as well give up now coz it's not worth it feeling' when I'm like this?
Long paragraph, huh?
current mood: upset (2 comments |comment on this)
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