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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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12:23a - soooo, yeah. (No intelligent subject tonight:))
Woah. (That's the swiftly exhaled breath 'woah', not the noise that Belgian comic book dogs make.) Boy, don't really know where to start.
Let's do the exciting bit first - the bit with no conflict of feeling. Buffy and Angel came today (the boxsets, not the characters). So lots of video-goodness still to be consumed later on this week, when I ought to be having some more concrete dissertation-y ideas, or at least sorting out my phone and getting some passport pics taken. Grr. Is it any wonder I'd rather watch videos all day?!
Soo, Buffy's kinda harsh, Spike was a serious momma's boy, Principle Wood's got the vendetta thirst and Faith's back. Phew - and I've not even got to the end yet! (Gotta love the Spike though ;))
But, in other news (the news which is making this entry sound less than chipper), saw R again last night. There was no talking, no contact of any kind. Apparently his daughter works in the pub (Oh, joy) and he was there arranging when to pick her up and drinking, by himself, at the bar. Kel went up to get drinks and heard him. She said he sounded his usual self, and when I said, Well, his usual self is depressed and unhappy, she said, Yeah, like that. *big sigh*
I just don't get why he isn't happy. I know I can't fix him, that the magic of my presence is not going to permenantly reverse his whatever-this-is, I'd just like to know why. he's succesful, talented, handsome, got lots of responsibility and power, a nice house, a nice car and a family. So what's with him? This is not a new thing. This has been going on at least five years and not once has it stopped niggling at me.
I miss him, I love him. I want to make it alright, but I can't. Because he won't let me help. I think I used to help just by being there, but I'm not there anymore. It was an anniversary of sorts yesterday (or as near as we could get), and I knew he'd be there. I can still feel him. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I haven't spoken to him for so long. Cried for him again last night.
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