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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
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12:58a - suddenly depressed
I know I shouldn't read about that stuff, I know. It's just compelling. Every time I think I'll be ok with hit it still hits me right in the pit of the stomach. I didn't want to fall in love with him, it just happened. It's not my fault (or his) that he is who he is, or that he's older than me, and married to her. It just hit us both, and we didn't know how to deal with it. He's got the big-time self-control going on, and the big scare too. It just makes me feel worthless when I hear about other people doing it with their teachers. Why couldn't he be with me? I loved him so much, I still do. And for once this isn't my hormones talking - just regular inferiority feelings. I know it's not an ideal situation by a long stretch, but it was what it was. We had something special, I'm not going to sit here and feel like I was kidding myself about that. Everybody knew: my friends, his friends, teachers, my mum - everyone. But nothing ever happened. And now he's beyond my reach again.
He's the only person I've ever loved. People say 'get over it' like it's as simple as changing your shirt. Six years it's been this way and I'm ready for someone new, I guess, but that doesn't mean I don't still love him deep down and that it doesn't hurt when I read stuff like that, or when I see him and he doesn't come over, or when I think about her. He pains me, deep inside. If he loved me too then perhaps it was worth it. But I don't know.
It's his birthday today (well, yesterday, strictly speaking.) He's fifty-one.
I miss you sweet one. Take care.
current mood:  sad (comment on this)
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