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[01 Dec 2003|07:30pm] [ mood | crushed ] Okay - well I just lost the post I began ten miuntues ago to a bastard general explorer error. Bastard Microsoft, as my Dad would say! I haven't done a great deal of fascinating things today. The weather's been really rainy and foggy - and still is, and I actually would have quite liked to have spent some time thinking and writing about it. But I couldn't, because I have a Roman Religion essay to write:( It's actually an interesting topic: how Augustus changed religion in his principate, - but it's not a small topic, for all it's interest! Still, the CD of Monstrous Regiment came today - very very exciting! Just the Tony Robinson-ness of them. :D So, I think I went on to talk, in my earlier, dearly departed post, about writing. I had a whole thing about how I worry, and I know I worry far too much about far too many things, about not making it. It just seems fantastical that it would actually happen - I mean, does anyone know how you get published? Who you send stuff to? What you need (agent, publisher etc)? Sorry, lost the will for this now. I'll be back in a little bit. you will see light in the darkness

[27 Nov 2003|11:44pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Blue::Angie Hart ] I'm obviously still being bad - having not updated in, er....a while. But I have been busy, so I have an excuse. I should be in bed right now actually, because I have an 11 o'clock lecture tomorrow, which, because it's in Leeds I have to get up uber-early for. I like to try for 6 o'clock. Don't ask me why - I like a lot of time in the morning to get my head together. It allows time for a morning Buffy episode anyway;) Also, I hate being late for anything. Anyway.... I was just wasting even more time posting to LJ communities. I use my LJ so little that I feel like it deserves a burst of energy to keep it going. And I feel bad after those nice people at the 'Invite Codes' community over there made it for me:( But who can resist posting piccies of pretty old men now that I have the capability?! There's a new 'Kiefer daily' comm - I couldn't help myself;) Also finally made a contribution to the 'Vintage Meat' comm which I've been lurking in since before I had a Blurty even! (Posted Alan Rickman, Gene Kelly, David Warner, Tcheky Karyo and Patrick Stewart. Thought they would probably elicit comment - or drooling, whichever!) But there are so many great communities on LJ that we don't have here. Now, I love Blurty best, coz I have people here I know now, both that I've made contact with and ones I just like to check up on without making myself known - like some of the people on the Writing Projects member list. I always feel that you should get to know someone a bit in your head before you friend them. But anyway, besides the Writing Projects comm, which kicks the ass of all the comms on LJ ;), they are outdoing us. I just wondered why that should be. I know everyone wants an LJ cz that's what everyone else has, but aren't there lots of people who haven't got the means or the inclination to pay LJ or any friends who will give them Invite Codes? And aren't all those people cool and fantastic? (I know they are, coz they're here) So what's with the lack of communities? I guess we just have less people, don't we? Hence less interests, or a narrower range of interests anyway. Hence less weird communities. Hmmm. Anyway (again) Busy week, and it's only Thursday;) Monday was frantic work preparation day, Tuesday was stressing about prepared work day, which I needn't have done, coz my tutor was mysteriously absent from the departmento. Wednesday was the Graduate Seminar, our Graduate Seminar. I gave a third of the whole thing, about 8 minutes worth I reckon. All about the relationship of the Roman emperor Tiberius (AD14-37), who has been regularly denounced, then and now, as a complete tyrant, with his Senate. I dashed this thing off the night before, and then obsessively read over it again and again to make sure it was ok. And you know the weirdest thing, I actually enjoyed it! Now, public speaking has not, in the past, been something I've done except out of necessity, coz I'm naturally quiet and quite softly spoken and I hate lots of people looking at me all at once. Except that it's quite a kick when it's not scaring you to death! Of course, I kinda know these people now, and I know none of them are sitting there thinking: "Bitch, I hope you choke on your tongue" or anything, and so that calms you quite a lot. But hearing yourself speak for that long is quite scary - the key thing, for me at least, is to not quite believe it's happening. I did that right up until I was actually talking, by which time it was too late and you've just got to get on with it. So I was proud, is probably what I'm taking what is quite a long and circuitous paragraph to say! So that was yesterday. Today people came to fix us our new water heater. Yay!! From August to November we've been having to improvise various forms of hot water at bath time. And we only have a bath, not a shower. But now it's fixed - phew! I had a bath a few hours ago, and it was so hot I was obliged to add loads of cold water or I would have burned to death! Anyway, I went out for the day and took myself to see Intolerable Cruelty again. I love seeing films by myself. Kelly thinks it's sad, or that's what she said, but I find it really freeing. You can have your own reaction to the film and not feel influenced by the opinions of the people around you, or if you're perverse like me, not feel obliged to disagree with them coz they dragged you to a film you were sure would be rubbish. Plus it reminds me of day-trips to Newcastle. :( Miss Newcastle again. I should go and see Emma Shaw again soon, if she'll have me, as that's where she lives. I need to see that river again. I really need a break where I don't have to go to Leeds so I can hopefully do some more writing. I find it quite hard to do that thing that all writers are meant to do and write a certain amount a day, whether its good or not. Or at least, I find it hard when I've got lots of other things that I care about going on at the same time. At school I could do it, because school work required very little effort, but now it's all about effort. Which is good for me but also tiring me! Anyway, better go to bed I guess. I feel oddly happy at the moment - hope it lasts! 3 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[24 Nov 2003|05:20pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Bohemian Like You::The Dandy Warhols ] I feel lucky for once. It's so amazing that things like Blurty and LJ exist so that we can all venture into other people's lives and see and understand (perhaps) what's going on with them, and maybe try to help. For people like me, who find trusting real life people beyond a certain point and connecting properly with real life people quite hard, it's such a blessing. The instant community is another blessing. In real life it takes months or years to build up the kind of networks that can come on here within days. Now I have friends on the other side of the world and people to bounce ideas off all the time. So thank you Blurty people, for just being around! 1 secret journey| you will see light in the darkness

[24 Nov 2003|02:05pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | That Kind of Love::Alison Krauss ] Hehe! I found and figured out how to use a free site that allows remote loading last night. So now I can do this: ( pretty things... ) The first one is a scan of a drawing of Robert de Niro that I did when I was 13, pretty cool huh? The other two are just two of my favourite boys: Kiefer Sutherland and Gene Kelly. Edit:I just checked it worked. Woohoo! I can post the pictures!! *Does little pic-posting dance* 'Kay, back to work now:( 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[23 Nov 2003|12:35pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | The News Quiz::Radio 4 ] I'm baaad - I haven't updated for so long! And it's not as if I've been doing nothing, rather the reverse - I haven't had bloody time to update coz I've been so busy reading! Now have three things to do: My new Roman Elegiac Myth essay planning. It's gonna be on Ovid mainly this time, because I sort of ignored him last time, the main emphasis being on Tibullus and Propertius, whose names, incidently, I am absolutely sick of typing! So this time it's going to be about Ovid's use of mythology and how he reltaes back to the other two - the revolutionary little bugger he is! Secondly, I have a presentation to give on Wednesday, which is bizarrely not scaring me at all, even though public speaking is not one of my favourite things to do. So I have to prepare that. I'm only doing a third of it, it's mainly John's thing because it's based around an essay he's written and Bernice and I are just helping him out. It's on the emperor Tiberius and the picture that the historian Tacitus gives us of him. Now, Tacitus really didn't like Tiberius very much so it's quite interesting and snipey! John's doing the accession, Bernice is doing the treason trials that his reign became infamous for, and I'm doing Tiberius' relationship with the Senate. It'll only be about 5-10 minutes worth of talking though, so not too terrible. And lastly I've got the draft of my essay on how Augustus changed religion in his principate to write for Professor Levene. It actually went well on Friday - I was shocked! But highly pleased and relieved;) He actually asked me questions that I knew how to answer. *Phew-ness* So I'd been anxious and scared all week of this bloody hour I have to spend with him and it all went well. That is exactly how my life runs! But the downside of all that work is that I probably won't get a lot of time to write in. I might do some on the train again I guess, but I haven't got a dictionary there, a thesaurus, the other stuff I've written etc etc. Ah, you say, I end my journey in a library, could you not use the facilities there? Well yes I suppose I could now you mention it but I'll probably feel guilty about not doing MA work by that time. It's all a viscious circle. 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[19 Nov 2003|10:31pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Radio Buffy ] As she sits before him he find it hard not to watch her working, making empires from pen on paper. The light closes in on him, as if in a dim memory, making a halo of brightness around her and setting her red hair on fire. I wrote lots more than this on the train today, but at least some of it was written just in an attempt to use the time constructively and actually get something down, so it's not all that great. There are the gems of good ideas in there I think, I just need more than 45 minutes and to not be on a train to work them out. Plus I've got truckloads of work still to do: another essay to prepare, the preparatory reading for another, rather scarier essay to do and a third of a seminar presentation to look at. Hmmm, this would be my (no) life as a postgraduate then. I have to go tomorrow as well, to get some idea of exactly what I'm going to do for this seminar so I miss a bit of Roman Religion reading time, but god, I'm going to crash and burn whatever I do! you will see light in the darkness

[16 Nov 2003|03:47pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Radio 4 ] I'm doing much reading up - both legit. and non-legit.! I did actually do some work last night, which took a lot longer than I thought it would, but hey, at least I've made a start. However, I resent that academia is taking me away from the one bloody plot idea I've had in four years! I hate not being able to work on it whenever I want because of work. At school, which is the last time, and place, I did any considerable amount of writing, it was easy to just ignore the rest of the world and write. Infact, I think I needed to be tryong to overcome a distraction at the time, I did my best stuff in boring English lessons or trying to escape the oppressive atmosphere of the Common Room, or just trying to summon up R. from my memory, when he refused to appear in real life. Anyway, I've started my Roman Religion reading, and I've just printed off some stuff about the symbolism of the seasons and the elements from Symbolism.org. So much fun reading ahead! I'm even doing my research like a proper writer! I was thinking of Cassie (velvetandlace) when I was searching though. When she told us all about Beltane it caught my interest - wondering about it's symbolism and meanings and what they're rooted in. So I also printed off some info about Pagan (and I think 'pagan' here covers a wide wide group, not just Wiccans) festivals and their basic symbolism from CircleSanctuary.org. I don't know if it's especially accurate, but I've got to start somewhere and it's Sunday and the shops are shut! (That's the great thing about the net - it's open all hours!) 3 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[15 Nov 2003|01:44pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | The News Quiz::Radio 4 ] Well, essay is done and over and handed in, grossly over the word count. Well, not grossly, about 400 words, which I hope is ok. They don't ask you to declare the words so I'm assuming it's not a hanging offence. and if it is, then I guess you'll just have to get the noose out. At least, thank god, my pseudo-flu is going away. I did go to Leeds yesterday, wrapped up well, but running across some of the roads, which you have to do because of the carefully composed insanity of the traffic lights, did bring back my long gone asthma. Basically, I took it easy and dawdled up to the Parkinson building, handed in my essay and went to my Divine and Diviners lecture. I think I might be starting to actively dislike Professor Levene. I hope not - we spend one hour a fortnight alone in his office and when I feel bullied by someone I don't like it's only a matter of time before I start retaliating, which could end up being messy. Anyway, soon I'm going to have to go and do his reading, which I would have started last week but for the crippling illness. I bought pretty things yesterday though: a new zip-front red hoody jacket thing from H&M and Sting's new book, Broken Music which really cheered me up last Friday when I was feeling depressed and suicidal after my Levene session. I thought I owed him the price of a hardback book after that! It surprised me by being really quite well written, or certainly very readable. It's basically the story of his early life, before he became really famous, and it's fascinating, I know because I was up until four o'clock last night reading it! It's making me want to quit the sensible life and try to be a writer properly...but I'm too pragmatic - plus I've paid them all that money. I'm a Yorkshire woman; I don't give up money that easily! I was looking into jobs with the Civil Service on the net. The Department for Education and Skills has its main secondary branch in Sheffield (the main main one being in London of course) and I think I might even like working for them. Schools and education interest me, they always have, and besides being a teacher, I can't really think of a job in education besides that. Schools inspectors, governers, administrators and so on all got to those jobs through teaching. I think if I was going to be a teacher I'd be an English teacher rather than a Classics teacher, becaue then I could work in state schools. I've heard of exactly one state school that teaches classics. Mine. I'm not sure if R. would be able to cope with that! Anyway, the News Quiz is almost over, and there's lots of work to be done. you will see light in the darkness

[13 Nov 2003|11:07am] [ mood | busy ] [ music | The Judges House::Bram Stoker-yes, he did write other things ] ...back to the essay...*eeep* Hoepfully there will be time to talk later! I have to have this done by tomorrow you see, and as I'm planning a radical re-write, having got all my energy back-woohoo!-, it might take some time. All day most likely. And a six o'clock start tomorrow. But no brain-frying this week, so there is some good in the world! Edit, a minute later: You know, the very word 'busy' makes me think of R.? Although it's really great to have a real live Muse who you actually know, sometimes I wish he'd get the hell out of my head! (Sorry sweetie;)) you will see light in the darkness

[11 Nov 2003|06:44pm] Urghh. I feel awful, even though, ok, my head isn't about to come off like it was yesterday. I think it's mild 'flu, and it bites! Plus I've got all that work to do that I'm not in the mood for, even if I was well. Right now I'm feeling kinda bullied and harrassed by the academic world, I even wondered on Sunday whether it might be worth getting a job instead - and that's really not like me. I think my brain's had enough and would 'praps like a little rest, possibly in Canada;) Or possibly it's just gone on a very long game of 'Anywhere but Here' without telling me. Willow: You think Giles ever played "Anywhere But Here" in school? Xander: Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve grades. Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math! This could be mathier." Willow: You don't think he ever got restless when he was little? Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. Love that little bit. I made an icon, but I'm too attached to my other ones to upload it:( 3 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[10 Nov 2003|10:51am] [ mood | sick ] Less depressed but more ill, yay! I've actually got that essay to rewrite, and I'd quite like to get it out of the way at the beginning part of the week so I can concentrate on my assignments for Roman Religion. Arrrgghhhh! 3 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

A Newcastle ship without coals, they would sail to the island of souls [10 Nov 2003|01:55am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Rolling Stones::She's Like A Rainbow ] I feel ill again today, both mentally and, just for fun, physically too. I've got a splitting headache and a cough come sore throat. I'm sure it'll sod off soon, I'm never ill for long, but it's just one of those times where you think, oh - ill, fab! My mum did point out that a person's immune system isn't as hot when they're depressed so perhaps I'm my own worst enemy again! I hate when I get like this. It's so negative and trapping. I can't honestly remember if this is normal or not. I've been unhappy, or dreading being unhappy, for the last three years in Durham and I know that being back home makes me better. When I get the train back from Leeds to Sheffield there's the minute that the train rushes past Tinsley viaduct and the twin cooling towers and Meadowhall that means I'm home. I have to look up for the cooling towers every time, there and back. Pulling into Sheffield station gives me such a lift. I remember what it was like to come home after a term at uni and just feel so grateful that it was all over for four weeks and I could get back to being me again. And I remember forcing myself not to cry when we went past on the way back to Durham. It was a sentence, and the viaduct and the towers marked the end of home and the end of comfort. Place and trains combined does tend to have a strong effect on me though. Pulling in or out of Newcastle does the same thing. Once we're over the Tyne on that railway bridge and you can see the four other bridges down to your right stretching out across the river, it's so emotional. And of course I always think of the Sting song 'I Was Brought To My Senses' that starts Alone with my thoughts this evening/I walked on the banks of Tyne. And then I have to force myself not to cry! I'm not sure why Newcastle always made me happy, in a sad kinda way, perhaps because I think, of all the UK cities I've visited (which is most of them) it's the most like Sheffield. So when I would visit Newcastle for the day (it's 15 minutes on the train from Durham) I'd be home again. I never realised how homesick I would be. The first day I knew I'd be miserable, but I didn't really expect it to last for three years! Anyway. Yes, so ill and not really wanting to do anything. But nevertheless I journeyed to Emma's to watch a dvd, for it is her 22nd birthday today (Sunday) and normally we'd have gone to our pub tonight, but it's being refurbished and turned into some kind of fancy chain pub:( So we went to the Robin Hood instead and did their quiz, which wasn't great. The movie was fun though, because it was so awful - within the first ten minutes we were all like: the husband did it! And lo, twas the husband! However, everything was a bit coupley (Emma and Nic, her friends Mark and Pepper, her sister Jo and her boyfriend Adam) and you know how it is when everyone else is in a couple. Having never been in one myself I've only seen it from the one side, and it kinda sucks. So in addition to feeling ill I could feel myself get more and more depressed - not for any particular reason, just becasue. Kelly drove us there and after she'd taken Em and Nic back we drove past R.'s house and I just started crying. I missed him. And when Kel brought me home I started really crying in the car. Combination of not wanting to face up to things in Leeds and missing R. I think. Emma's on anti-depressants and I'm starting to wonder if I should be too. First I thought it was R. Then Durham. Then my friends. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's just me. I said that now its just my problems with no filter, just me. And it terrifies me. On the other hand, I am probably just 'hormonal', which is what mum would say. It's sound advice though, because it makes you want to snap out of it so you don't feel an idiot - another thing I'm scared of. I just don't feel like a whole person yet. I'm not sure if many people do in their twenties, but when the people around you seem like they're getting it all sorted it starts to become a worry. I know it's not a race and all in good time and all that stuff, but it's hard not to think - what's wrong with me? I was in love, I think maybe I still am, for six years with the same man. And I don't think I want to be in love with someone else, which probably means I'm not ready to move on, but waiting longer seems wrong. I feel like it should all be happening and it's not. I don't want to be by myself anymore, I'm too good at it! Unfortunately my stubborn streak prevents me from taking on someone I'm not truly interested in, so I think casual is out. I just look at all these people and wonder if they know how lucky they are. The man I love is unavailable to me despite what he might feel. I don't even know that - whether he loved me too. I feel cheated I guess, that my first go at this was with a beautiful wonderful man that I couldn't even touch. It cheapens the whole thing, and people assume it can't have been serious because it was unspoken. Well, we have a pretty comprehensive catalogue of why it was unspoken. We covered all the bases. Taboo city. It didn't make me love him any less. Ramble city too. This is what I get like when I miss him. It gets boring for me because I've been there before. 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

Angst continued, so more apologies! [08 Nov 2003|03:15am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Hurt::Johnny Cash (in my head) ] Ok, after much crying and listening to Johnny Cash (I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel/I focus on the pain/The only thing that's real...What have I become/My sweetest friend/Everyone I know/Goes away in the end) whose words (or rather, his version of someone else's words!) seem extremely appropriate today, I've decided that I shouldn't let myself be judged by other people's standards so much. I feel so guilty, embarrassed, mortified (in more than one sense) when I discover that I'm not good at something, or that I've done something wrong. Here's where it gets personal, so I'm gonna place this behind a cut. ( Read more... ) 5 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[08 Nov 2003|12:21am] [ mood | crushed ] I don't feel very well today. In fact I feel like a failure. I'm trying to be confident, even arrogant, in order to not get depressed but it really doesn't seem to work. I guess it's my own fault though. My hormones are all over the place at the moment, so I'm overly emotional anyway. But I feel scared, and squirmy and embarassed. Perhaps I've been in academia too long now and it's time to take the hint and do something else. I wish there was someone to blame who isn't me, but there isn't so there no use pretending - I only feel this way when I know I'm wrong. Sometimes, I feel as though I've unconsciously made all the wrong choices and what I'm left with is a coping mechanism for my mistakes. I'll propbably snap out of this tomorrow, so apologies in advance for my angst. But right now I feel quite helpless, and this journal is a good alternative to other, rather less healthly coping mechanisms. 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[06 Nov 2003|11:32am] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Wee Free Men::Terry Pratchett, read by Tony Robinson ] I feel like Vergil hammering out his one line a day. Admittedly, it took him the whole day to create one line of genius, and it takes me about a minute to create, well, one line. It's brilliance or lack of it is not really mine to assess. Yesterday I managed: And what was he? Just a school teacher with chalk on his fingers for 'Phoenix', and then I felt guilty and went back to Literature and Religion at Rome which is tres tres interesting, and actual work! I'm getting a lot further with planning the imagery, which I guess is just as valuable. I'm just too busy, supposedly, with actual MA work stuff to concentrate on it properly. I need to just be able to pick up a pencil and write whenever I want, which right now isn't feasible because of needing to be up and awake every day and going to Leeds three times a week. The discipline is nice, being quite unlike me(!), but I like a certain amount of freedom of routine. That's why I'm sure I should not be working in an office! However, I've got what my friend from Leeds, Bernice, calls, 'the fear' about Leeds work at the moment. Professor Levene scares me a little because he's one of these academics who honestly expects you to have read everything in the library. He sent a message to the Graduate Seminar yesterday expressing his 'diappointment' that so few of the postgrads had turned up to the talk on Xerxes that happened last Thursday. Now, firstly, Thursday is one of my days off, and, once a fortnight, the day before I meet with Prof. Levene for my Roman Religion module. I can either do his reading assignment or go to Leeds. Not both. Secondly, the talk was being given by one of the postgrads from Durham. Hah! Am I going to go all the way to Leeds to see a reminder of Durham? No, I'm not! So Dr. Sullivan advised us that perhaps it would be diplomatic to go to the one taking place today, but I'm sorry, it's not going to happen. Some of us work (Bernice, Katherine) and quite a lot of us don't live in Leeds (Katherine, Nick, me) I'm absolutely not suggesting that we shouldn't be interested in things outside of our own research, but that research should certainly come first. I think he'd be more annoyed with me if I hadn't done any of his reading but had gone to the paper than if it was the other way round. Anyway. The Graduate Seminar yesterday was pretty cool - about Mezentius in the Aeneid, on eof my favourite characters. when I was revising the passages he's in on the train I had another dissertation idea - the interplay between the characters of Mezentius and Aeneas, and Lindsey's talk kept on giving me ideas. I don't know whether it's something she's working on or what - I kinda hope not because it's something I'd like to do! So she was presenting the case for M. being both a monstrous and sympathetc character. Now this is quite easy to do. M. is a tyrant (which presses all kinds of alarm buttons in the Roman mind, because it's associated with kings, which was a big Roman hate) and a despiser of the gods (in Latin contemptor divum), another big no-no, and a set-up for regarding M. as a perfect foil to Aeneas, whose epithet is pius (not unlike our word pious but with a much more complicated resonance - it doesn't just mean piety). However, when Aeneas kills M.'s son Lausus, who was protecting M. from Aeneas, M. suddenly becomes very sympathetic, mourning his son and feeling guilty and wishing that he had died instead. He goes to Aeneas knwing he's going to die in the single combat that follows, and, a bit like Hector in the Iliad, begs that Aeneas give him proper burial, but keep him safe from his own people who chucked him out, coz he's a tyrant. It's all very interesting (to me anyway!) and just set me thinking how much I hadn't considered before. In other news, my pulled muscle seems better, but I'm worried that sitting around here all day will make it seize up or something! you will see light in the darkness

[05 Nov 2003|11:00am] [ mood | tired ] I'm so tired right now - I just don't have the energy for anything:( It was my turn to fall down the stairs yesterday, but unlike velvetandlace, in public at the station. Go me! And now I think I've pulled the big muscle in my right thigh and it hurts like bloody hell - I think walking is going to be an issue today! But, on the up side, it's the seminar about Mezentius today, so I have an excuse to immerse myself in Aeneid-y type things (one of my favourite past-times!) So hopefully it'll be exactly like last Wednesday when I felt really awful in the morning but completely psyched up by the seminar. Got my essay draft back yesterday as well. I think Professor Maltby and I were both glad that it was just a draft! I knew it wasn't very good when I handed it in though, so at least it's not a big disappointment. So my next job, after all my Roman religion reading, is re-writing that. Yay. Anyway, better go - the train station beckons... 1 secret journey| you will see light in the darkness

[02 Nov 2003|10:22pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | That Kind of Love::Alison Kraus ] Ooooooh my god, half of the dreaded essay written and I've only written about one poem out of about ten! This is a draft that I have to give in tomorrow (which means journeying to Leeds on one of my days off - grrr) and get back on Tuesday, presumably so I can go away and write it again! Oww, my back hurts from sitting here for so long today. I'm scared about over-running, they probably have penalties for that sort of thing....:( you will see light in the darkness

[02 Nov 2003|02:30pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | A Terribly Strange Bed::Wilkie Collins, read by Robin Bailey ] Well, still got those 3,000 words to write. Damn! But on the up side, at least I've got something to listen to, my new compilation tape, whose track listing is thus: (mainly for velvetandlace) A. Angie Hart Blue (in Buffy - Conversations with Dead People) Melanie Doane I Can't Take My Eyes off You (also Buffy, when Willow and Tara float while dancing at the end of Family) Morcheeba Never An Easy Way (Buffy again, plays at the Bronze in Passions) Sheryl Crow Chances Are Cibo Matto White Pepper Ice Cream Laika Black Cat Bone (Buffy - Willow's visit to Rack) Sting Inside First Sleep from the Solaris soundtrack Johnny Cash Hurt Sheryl Crow Redemption Day B. Rolling Stones She's Like a Rainbow Eurythmics (It's Alright) Baby's Coming Back Sting Never Coming Home Everclear So Much for the Afterglow Cibo Matto Sugar Water Placebo English Summer Rain Alison Kraus/Gillian Welch/Emmylou Harris I'll Fly Away (fromthe O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack) Ella Fitzgerald Caravan Aimee Mann Pavlov's Bell (Buffy once more, plays in Sleeper) Placebo Every You Every Me Sting Soul Cages Ah, how I love the compilation tape.. ;) 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

[01 Nov 2003|11:31pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | I Can't Take My Eyes Off You::Melaine Doane ] I feel guilty, I still haven't made a proper start on that essay. (And in order to combat that problem I'm sitting here updating my journal. Logic? Er, not so much.) Good day though, all in all. I really could sit here and waste my life in perfect happiness - or that's how it feels now. Having done something like it in Durham, it becomes less fun! Anyway - fun, yes... Friday's lecture was pretty good, mainly because I could switch off a bit and watch the other people get exposed to the vagaries of Epicurean theories about the gods. And, just to make me feel a bit better, I don't think they quite got it either! But last week's was better, solely because Prof. Levene, as his 'Recommendation of the Week' (which is something he always does, the week before last it was The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins, they're always related to the topic of the lecture) showed a bit of Time Bandits, on of the all-time greatest surreal comedies. Ok, main attraction is David Warner in his Evil Genius outfit, but still! Unfortunately, the Prof showed the bit immediately after David is defeated:( But it was still brilliant (I am the Supreme Being, you know, I'm not completely dim) I also bought two CDs, and another one today: the newest Buffy soundtrack album, which rocks. It's got Angie Hart's 'Blue', Cibo Matto's 'Sugar Water', Aimee Mann's 'Pavlov's Bell' and 'Black Cat Bone' which is the song that plays when Willow has her pseudo acid-trip in season 6 (when she floats on the ceiling). It's just fab! And in a continuing Cibo Matto theme, I had to get Stereo Type A because it was just sitting there, unloved, in HMV and I knew bloody well it wouldn't be there the next time I looked! So I now have 'Spoon'! And today my mum got me Johnny Cash's last album, The Man Comes Around. I wanted it mainly for 'Hurt', whch they played the video for on TOTP2 when he died. And it affected me pretty deeply. It's got a beautiful guitar lead-in, and the lyrics are just - woah. (I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel/I focus on the pain/The only thing that's real...What have I become/My sweetest friend/Everyone I know/Goes away in the end) I don't care whether he's talking about God or not. That he was sincere in his faith and clearly loved his god is kinda touching. I don't know why I find it less objectionable in him than in anyone else really, perhaps it is the sincerity, and the lightness of it too. There's a song called 'Dead Man's Rope' on Sting's latest album, where the guy eventually gets round to singing 'I've been walking away from Jesus' love', and though it's actually a pretty good song, I can't bring myself to use it in a compilation tape because of that. Perhaps that's to do with a reversal of what I expect from Sting (as a lapsed Catholic) and as the man who also sang Oh my God you take the biscuit/Treating me this way/Expecting me to treat you well/No matter what you say/How can I turn the other cheek/It's black and bruised and torn/I've been waiting since the day that I was born. Anyway, after that really rather long digression! I've made half of my compilation tape, it rocks, yay me;) My mum and I also went to see George Clooney in Intolerable Cruelty today, as we didn't go last week. It was pretty good actually, as you'd expect from a Coen brothers movie. George just has this exquisite comic timing that no-one but the Coens and the various people who wrote ER scripts for him seem to want to exploit. He can do slapstick and dialogue comedy and he's just wonderful at it (besides being rather handsome;)) It's a pity that Catherine Zeta-Jones' comedic timing sucks, but hey. I just don't care for that woman at all, she just strikes me as an unpleasant person. I did notice something that, if I'm right, is even funnier in the movie. I reckon that the Coens have made little subtle visual pisstakes of George's big romantic scenes in three other (non-Coen) movies. 1) The lift scene in Solaris where Chris and Rheya do their big flirt, touching hands and smiling to themselves, becomes George trying to chat up Catherine and getting his hand bitten by her poodle, which he's been stroking, for his trouble. 2) The scene in Ocean's Eleven where Julia Roberts comes down the stairs of the casino to the admiring glances of (ok, not George) Matt Damon and Brad Pitt becomes Catherine Zeta-Jones coming down the stairs of the casino (plus poodle) to the admiring glances of George and his crony. 3) The famous bar scene in Out of Sight where George and Jennifer Lopez have a 'time-out' over a stiff glass of whatever spirit it is. As J-Lo's character reaches for her drink, George catches her hand and strokes it. A similar thing happens in Cruelty with a glass of champagne. So I though that was neat, and was kinda proud of spotting it. I suppose it's logical, as the movie itself is a sort of pisstake on conventional romcoms with two completely unromantic leads and a lot of pre-nuptual agreements! So yeah, a culturally rich weekend;) 1 secret journey| you will see light in the darkness

Phoenix and the Schoolmaster again. [30 Oct 2003|03:42pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Casting the Runes::M.R. James, read by Michael Hordern ] I've only had inspiration for planning so far, so: I figured out, or at least I think I have, that the narrative should take a decline/re-birth/decline cycle, from Autumn to Autumn. So five sections and perhaps 13 chapers. And note to self: Midsummer Day is on 21st of June in the UK. (An appropriately symbolic day for their relationship to go further, if I decide that's how it'll go.) Autumn: the start of the academic year, so in a sense the beginning of one cycle as well as the start of the decline of another. Melancholic in atmosphere - the decline of summer, small markers pointing towards winter are quite ominous as they get more significant. Winter: Weather is always a big factor in British winters - so take the power of that into account. Everything is dying, decaying, freezing - stasis. Spring: The gradual (for realism, particularly if weather is theme too) change from winter. From snow drops, almost to Midsummer. Summer: The end of an academic year - and freedom for anyone in academic life (July). It's also satisfaction, warmth, fulfillment? September repeated starts the process over again. ( When in the library, this popped into my head when I was thinking about winter ) 2 secret journeys| you will see light in the darkness

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