I just found out, not more than 5 minutes ago, that I only need about 49 more credits to graduate. At the end of this semester, it will be 33. For some reason, I just don't believe that my math can be right.

But if it is...

That would make it pretty easy to graduate early. I've never thought about that. I never thought I would have the option. I don't know if I should try or not... what would I do for that open semester? Besides save a couple thousand dollars. I could work and save up for grad school. Start grad school early? Take a semester off from life and travel (ha!).

But part of me doesn't want to leave early. I want to stay here and soak up what learning I can while I still have the chance (good gravy, what a dorky thing to say. Along with the 'good gravy' thing).

I don't know what to do about it, but it's something definitely worth thinking about.

You know how, if you build something up in your head for a long time, when it comes/you get it, it just isn't what you were expecting?

I look at that question, and realize how negatively it comes out. I don't mean it like that.

Doug came home on Monday, and I spend Monday and Tuesday evenings with him. It was great, don't get me wrong. I missed him something terrible, and the knowledge that he's within visiting distance makes me so happy.

I expected the reunion to be extremely exciting. Full of giggles, kisses, hugs, cuddles, laughing... to just feel a huge general excitement. What I got was all of the above... but instead of the huge general excitement was the feeling of everything being normal. Like I hadn't gone two months without seeing him, and over a year without seeing him for more than 5 days at a time. Like it had just been a week ago since I'd last seen him.

I've been thinking a lot about this. I've decided to take this as a good sign. I don't really know why I should look at it as a good thing, but that's the way I'm going to do it.

I've had some recent events in my life that have really touched me, and got me to think a lot about the relationship that I have with Doug. Listeneing to a friend complain about her boyfriend, talking and joking with a manager, the drunken (but much appreciated) ramblings of a pirate... and, of course, the late night gigglings with a lover.

I'm so amazed to be in the relationship that I'm in. I've found someone who cares about me deeply, loves me ever more, and makes my day so much brighter. I've found someone who wants to care for me, even with all of my (real or imagined) faults, and for someone who sees herself as tremendously flawed, this is an amazing feeling. And even better, I want to care for him, too.

I feel like I've loosly mentioned Doug a lot lately, but have never really gone into depth about how our relationship is, or how I feel about it. So I thought I'd spend a few minutes to enlighten...

I've found an amazing person, guys. Someone who, even when I get in terrible moods, doesn't give up on me. Someone who can make me smile with only a few words, and whose smile can make me happy for hours, and even days. Even thinking about it now makes me smile. And completely loose track of where I was going.

We're great together. It's amazing to find someone who is similar enough to be your soul mate, but different enough to be an individual. We can walk down different paths, pursue different goals, but at the end of the day, those paths and goals seem to be so parallel that they merge. We don't soley depend on each other, but we're there for each other. We support each other, grow through and with each other, encourage, lift up, and love each other.

I'm in love. This isn't the high school kind of love, or a fling that I'll be tired with sooner or later. This isn't the confession of some lovestruck girl who will soon change her mind.

If I believed in luck, I'd consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. For now, I'll just consider myself blessed... and I'll point upwards, smiling my Danny Perkins smile.

It's funny how God takes you to where your heading. But now that I refelct upon my life, I realize that I'm thankful for those times that I thought I could never forgive Him. The treks up and down with Doug, and those by myself even before meeting Doug, have led us to where we are now. We're so strong, so in love, and for this, I'm so thankful.

Everyday, every night, you alone,
You're the love of my life
Take my hand, lead me there
What I need is you here

Date:	2007-08-13 19:43
Subject:	Life
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic
Music:	hold me closer, tiny dancer...

Things can change in the blink of an eye. Emotions toil around, trying to find a new way to release themselves.

I honestly think I'm bipolar. Maybe it's true what they say... only the crazy ones go into psychology.

I don't believe in taking drugs to alter your personality. I'm not that bad, so I won't even consider it. But I know it affects people. Well, a person in particular. I hate that saying the same things to me on different days can have such an effect on me, and cause such different reactions. I'm sorry that I cry so often and cause fights because I'm moody. I know I've told you that before, but here it is again.

Sometimes, when I have this fear that I'm going to lose you, I worry that there will be no one else who will have the patience to deal with me. Where do you get the patience?

I'm going to regret posting this.

Don't bother pretending I seem fine,
I like that I'm a mess
I can't stand much longer in my head....


Part of me hopes that I won't pick up the phone tonight when you call me. I'm afraid that I'll be in a bad mood again.

I started packing up my room tonight to move into school. I pretended that I was packing to move in with you.

What will you think when you read this?



I'm going to work more on packing. And listen to some good ol' David Bowie and Elton John. Dance around my room. Sing loud, but not loud enough to be heard.

I'll be in a good mood when you call. I owe you that much. You're such an amazing guy, did you know that?

I can't wait until you come home... Even though it's not enough, once a week is so much better than once every 6 months.

Date:	2007-07-09 21:45
Subject:	haaaaaappppppy
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Doug on the phone

I have a secret.

That I can't tell you.

But it makes me very very happy.

And you should be very very happy for me.

Date:	2007-07-04 14:35
Subject:	Sometimes you just gotta wonder what's keeping you going.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends on tv...

So, another long-overdue update. I think this is starting to become a habit, but I seem pretty apathetic about it right now. Maybe when my life reagins it's free time... or, when I'm back at school and in front of a computer more often (and not Fred the Spikesorter, who I've come to hate, even with his cool two-screened-niftiness).

Speaking of work, work is going... well, it's going. I'm still working at SIU, but kind of counting the days until I'm done with it (12 days of work left...). I figure that, by the end of this week, I'll have one of my two main projects done, which will leave half of my day lacking in spikey excitement. Life will then be dedicated to writing a paper over a subject that I have yet to understand. I know you're jealous.

Nights are spent trying to stay at Steak n Shake. My hours there are getting miserable, and are only bound to get worse. Because I can't work too late into the night (in order to be able to wake up at 6 the next morning), I'm only scheduled until 9. And because I don't work a full shift, I am usually the first one to be cut early. Not to mention that everyone's hours just took a good cut due to Hartzel's complaints (which were started by Stuller, the owner of the franchise), and may be taking another since minimum wage just went up another dollar. A year ago, I couldn't imagine myself saying this, but... I hate that minimum wage went up! I would be making more if it had stayed put, because I'd probably have many more hours than currently. Which could also be due to the fact that we don't get very busy anymore... Anyways.

When SIU is over and done with, I'm thinking about talking Ted into scheduling me 5-2 shifts. I'm not really sure I like the idea of working until 2 in the morning, but it'll get me some hours. Especially because 2 o'clock-ers don't get cut 3 hours before their shift is over(which happened to me yesterday). I don't know if Ted will like the idea, though, so we'll see.

Why so worried about all the hours, Corrie? Because I'm determined not to take a student loan my senior year. I'm determined to go to Greece in the spring. And I'm determined to buy that cute $45 messenger bag from PacSun that I saw this weekend. And right now, they seem kind of out of reach. Well, I can spring for the bag. I put aside some money for last weekend that I didn't spend.

Last weekend... the last 2 and 3 days. Doug came down to visit, and try to figure out if he's going to get a transfer. It sounds good, and like the 3 stores in Springfield all want him. Which is good news for us all. I spent so much time with him, and it felt so natural again. It didn't seem like I hadn't seen him in 3 months, it felt like he had always been there, we had always just been 'us' together. And then he left. Again. It hurt so badly, and it still hurts. It feels so weird that I saw him less than 24 hours ago, but won't be able to see him again for over 2 months. The only comforting thought? This is the last time we'll have to say goodbye like that again. We've decided that we are absolutely terrible at the distance thing, and aren't doing it again. When he comes back, he stays. It was never really a question of whether or not he'd move again out of Springfield, but this weekend made us both adament to sticking around each other. There's nothing like being held, not having to talk, just being comforted by a touch. We both love that, need that, but how do you get that through a phone?

Two more months. I think I can handle that.

Date:	2007-06-13 18:37
Subject:	"I'm just a black man trapped in a white woman's body."
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Mama's Room - UTIOG

... said my manager Scott to me. And I won't let him live it down. Hahaha, woman.

I'm not really enjoying my summer so far. In fact, it's kind of depressing. My job at SIU is kind of frustrating because, for half of that day, I'm sorting spikes and am bored, and the other half is reading neuroscience journals and I'm confused. Things imrpve a little bit each day, which is good, but I'm not a big fan. Then I go to work at night and my lovely SnS, which is kind of my retreat right now. Home bores me - I feel so unproductive. I guess I could make a list of things to do, but I rarely stick to them.

My Doug news was that he was going to come home (for good) for my birthday. He planned to be on the road the 25th of August, unpack and settle the 26th, and then spend the 27th with me. But now that seems shot. His manager is asking him to stay an extra week to help cover for another manager's vacation, and he thinks he'll probably do that. Doesn't want to leave on bad terms or anything. But they just seem to keep pushing the day back on him, and now I don't know if he'll ever make it back.

So, now I probably have the whole day open on my birthday, since it's that odd day between move in and classes starting. I'll probably spend it in my pajamas, wishing for the first time in months that I wasn't so antisocial. I hate my birthday. My summer friends don't celebrate it with me, because I'm always leaving right around then. School friends are so busy trying to get settled that they don't remember. And Doug is going to be in Ohio. Ohh, sad little Corrie.

Instead of moping (or being productive), I'm going to go watch a movie with my mom. Because I love my mom.

Date:	2007-06-02 20:56
Subject:	Perhaps long overdue
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	Lover Lay Down - Dave Matthews

I've come to realize that I haven't updated this in such a long time. And as much as I'd like to blame that on someone (or thing) else, I can't. I could blame my insane work schedule (which has me busy for about 70 hours a week), or my bosses, who require me to do so, but I definitely got into this mess myself. I continuously feel regret over this decision to work so much, but it will pay off next spring break when I get to go to Greece. And years from now when my student loans are paid off just a little bit faster.

Due to the fact that I have little to no free time, I have little to no new occurences in my life. Ech. This is beginning to sound so formal.

When I get a free night, I spend it trying to catch up on sleep. Or catch up with life, personal projects and goals, and of course Doug. There's possible good news regarding Doug, but I'd rather not talk about it right now, mostly in fear of continually rasing my hopes only to have this thing fall through. But I'll keep you posted, when I know more for certain.

I'm really not up to much else. I'm sorry to all those who I've said I'd get in touch with and hang out with this summer... I've been home for a couple weeks now, and we probably haven't done anything yet. I'm sorry about that.

I need a week off. I had yesterday off, which was great, and got to spend time with a lot of my Jacksonville friends (and meet new ones), but I need some time to just lay down and watch tv. Read my book. It just got interesting, and I don't have time to finish it! Les Miserables. I know how it ends, vaguely, from seeing and listening to the performance so many times, but the book has so much more depth to it...

I need to clean my room. Catch up on emails. Sort through clothes for goodwill. Do all sorts of things. I need a weekend.

And a nap.

Date:	2007-05-03 07:59
Subject:	Stupid Story
Security:	Public
Mood:	embarrassed
Music:	tooooo early for music.

For longer than I care to admit, I was freaking out about these brown spots on my face. It started off with just one or two on my nose, then a couple to my chin...

I was really upset about what the medicine was doing to me now. I'm almost done with the stuff, I don't need it turning my face colors. It's already done numbers on me {"I don't sleep well, my lips are constantly chapped and splitting open (which takes forever to heal because theydon't stay moisturized for more than two hours after chapstick-ing), my back is stiff (not as bad as it was), my eyes are easily irritated, my face is often flushed..."}, and to top it all off, now I have eczema. It hasn't spread much beyond my arms, but I'm pretty self conscious and hate wearing tshirts in public now. Although Doug recommended this stuff that seems to be really working... Anyways.

Brown spots. They're not big, but they're there. I'm upset because I'm so tired of side effects and hate this medicine.

And then I look in the mirror again and realize... I have freckles. And I felt so dumb.

But I haven't had freckles since I was young - and if I did, I couldn't notice them because my skin was so bad. So I wasn't expecting to ever see them again.

Anyways, that's my embarrassing story of the day.. Ta da!

Date:	2007-04-27 07:30
Subject:	It's no big surprise that I will wait for you... I will wait for no one but you.
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Lover Lay Down

So, I never feel like updating anymore. I don't feel like anything overly interesting is happening in my life, and these things that keep recurring in my mind are things that I've talked about over and over already.

I'm finally getting caught up again in classes. There was a really rough patch last week and the beginning of this week, when it wasn't so much that I got behind, I just couldn't handle studying for an exam and writing a new paper every night, it felt. I've turned in about 8 papers in the last two weeks, and they're driving me insane. I got up at 5:00 yesterday morning in hopes of getting a lot accomplished before my 9:00 class, and I actually did. I was really proud of myself. I got up at 6:00 this morning to try to do the same, but so far no good. But if I'm good and productive the rest of today, maybe I won't have to do much this weekend.

This weekend I get to go help Niki look at dresses, and try to get Andrew a job at Steak n Shake. Ted seems kind of happy that Andrew's pretty sure he wants to work there, so I don't think Andrew will have much of a problem getting a job there. Which is good for him. But I remember going out job hunting when I was 16, and applying to 20 or so places before I even got a phone call from anywhere. I guess I'm just jealous that he has it easier than me. Stupid second-born.

Hahaha. I just got a Maslow voice in my head telling me to be loving, and maybe I'll be actualized sometime soon. How cool.

The room is a mess right now. There are piles of papers, books, and clothes everywhere ... and it's all my mess. I should clean up before Courtney wakes up. I should write my paper first.

I wish I had some orange juice.

Courtney and I were talking about how we never update our journals, so I felt giulted into it. And here I am.

I have my schedule all put together for next year, and it looks pretty nice. I have classes from 11 to 5:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but Monday Wednesdays and Fridays I only have classes from 1-3. I'm thinking about getting a second campus job to work in the mornings those days, but we'll see if that actually works out.

I only have about 50 pills left, and then I'm done done done! I'm pretty excited. I know they're working well, except at that hormone-y part of the month, but the side effects are killing me and I just want to stop. I've heard of so many people having to do this system 2 or 3 times, and I don't know if I can handle that. I don't sleep well, my lips are constantly chapped and splitting open (which takes forever to heal because theydon't stay moisturized for more than two hours after chapstick-ing), my back is stiff (not as bad as it was), my eyes are easily irritated, my face is often flushed...

But less than a month and I'll be done.

I'm going to go lay in bed and read something now, then go to a RSA meeting at 9:30 to complain about meal plans. Such a fun night.

Date:	2007-04-09 10:03
Subject:	The creepy guys come out at night
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	microwave humming

They stare weirdly then give me tips.

It has been decided at work that I look like Velma from Scooby Doo. I don't see it. But the ones who have decided it think that Velma has a nerdy-hotness, so I guess it's a complement.

My best work buddy refuses to call me Velma, though, and for that I am grateful.

I saw a girl the other day who broke one of my good friend's hearts. I watched her for a little bit, and thought to myself, how dare she try to look so cute, how dare she be so happy! She hurt this boy more than he ever deserved; in fact, he deserved nothing at all from her, pain-wise. He had done nothing to deserve that, but she hurt him anyways. I felt myself wanting to hurt her, just to show her what she put him through.

But then I decided that would be a bad thing to do at church. On Easter.

Not to mention that then I realized how badly I had also hurt this boy... And he hadn't deserved it at all, either.

I hope that where ever he is right now, he's happy. I wish I could tell him I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I feel like there's too much to say...

So now I'm asking for forgiveness for not even being able to say "sorry" to you, like I should.

I'm sorry things worked out like this, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you better, I'm sorry I don't try to keep in touch better, I'm just so sorry about everything.

Date:	2007-03-27 18:42
Subject:	Corrie is Sad
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Saliva

Doug's manager has been trying to talk him into staying in Ohio, because he (manager) doesn't want Doug to leave the store (Advanced Auto Parts). Doug wants to come home. They've been going back and forth on this for awhile now, and they've hit upon a pretty good deal, I guess.

He's been offered a position to a more managerial role (something about the sale of parts to big buyers - dealerships maybe? I don't honestly know that much about it), would train and work with him there, and then ship him out somewhere else. Sounds like a really good deal, right?

He'd have to stay there until the end of August or beinging of September. When he was making plans to come back to Springfield end of June/early July. In the big scheme of things, this isn't too bad. 2 months isn't that bad at all. But I want him to come back. I miss him.

And now my 3 months got bumped up to 5.

I don't want to have to wait 5 months to be held by my boyfriend, kissed, looked in the eyes and told "I love you." I'm being selfish, I know, but I don't want to have to wait longer.

I told him I'd stand beside him in whatever he decided to do (and told him that staying for those two months would probably be a GREAT benefit to him). And I will. He deserves this, he deserves to have it all work out. If he gets all this training, things should get a lot easier for him.
He'll be given a raise.
Guarenteed 40 hours a week.
Training for a job that so many stores are looking for.

I'm just worried that if he stays, he won't come back.

Hell, I'm still waiting for that phone call where he says he changed his mind about us.

There are so many things about this relationship that are beyond screwed up. But I love him. And I'm pretty sure he loves me. And if we can make it through all of this, that will prove something.

More than once this weekend, I became the exact person whom I never wanted to be. The person I look at in society and think, wow, that person should go to the h-e-double-hockey-sticks place, as my inner five year old still insists on calling it.

I became coniving, manipulative, scheming, and so many terrible other things. I became so cynical that I scared myself. And when I finally "snapped out of it," I found myself wondering, Dear God, is this who I've become?

I don't want to be that deceptive, cynical person. But sometimes I can't help it when people mess with my emotions so badly. I can't let things go until they're dealt with, and sometimes the fastest way to resolve it (in my own twisted little way of thinking) is to manipulate the response I want out of someone.

Rarely does this actually occur. And in actuality, it didn't even occur this weekend. What is bothering me is the depths I went to thinking about it. And although nothing really happened from it, I feel terrible.

This is not the person I want to be.

To make up for it, and get my happy innocene back, after dinner today I played in the rain and spun in hippie circles. And I feel a little better. But still a little wet.

I'm not sure anybody reads this anymore. And if nobody does, I'm going to stop writing in it.

Let me know if you're out there

So, I'm getting sick. And I don't have time to get sick. I have to finish papers, midterms, packing... I have to get up at 4 Saturday morning and deal with airports, crowds, and planes.

I don't have time to be sick!

I don't want to ruin my weekend with Doug by being sick. This sucks.

I think he's getting sick, too. This weekend could be very interesting.

Such a sad story.

http://www.williewatch.com

Great title, Corrie. Way to be creative

My inention for this weekend was to come home and work. That didn't last long, and it then became to go to Wisconsin with my mom to give her some support. Then that didn't work out. It is currently "to spend time with family, gorge on Chinese food, and have a Friends - pajama party with Mom."

I'm still trying to figure out my summer, but Dr. Turner won't clue me in to what he's got planned (or doesn't have planned). Ideally, I'd be working at his lab at SIU - Springfield during the day, Steak n Shake nights and weekends. But somehow I don't see this internship things working out (even though I've got two irons in the fire, as my grandma would say). I'm holding out hope.

I got in and talked to Rellinger the other day, too, and she gave me some input into what kind of grad schools I should be looking at. There's actually a good selection if I want to stay in the midwest area. There's just one problem that came up that I was not expecting at all. Which is also one that I'm not going to talk about. Oh, the power of censorship.

On the car ride home tonight, I realized how tired I am. And I don't think it's just "oh didn't sleep well" tired, its "oh definitely need a break from everything" tired. Which is why I'm really glad I decided to come home this weekend. I want to be able to sleep without hearing someone's rap music, eat food that was homemade, take a shower in something bigger by a 3 feet by three feet box (and without shoes! What a luxury!!), feel fluffy carpet under my feet, and not have to stare at concrete walls all the time.

About 15 days until I get to go see Doug. I'll be out there for only 4 days, though. In those four days, there's a lot I need to figure out. There's a lot about a relationship you can't really discover when you're dating a voice on the phone. I need to see him, feel him next to me, look him in the eye and make sure this is the real thing.
It's so hard dating a voice, not the whole person. It's hard knowing that after spring break, after this nice little trip out of the state, I won't see him again until July.

July, guys. 4 months can be a pretty long time.

I hate the fact that I still think about everything that happened last July. I hate that it can still hurt so much.

I hate that I can be so happy and scared at the same time.

Date:	2007-02-15 20:37
Subject:	Life sucks, then you die.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	EDWARDO

It's sad when I have nothing to update about. I don't know if it's because there is nothing truely interesting going on in my life, or because I'm becoming so antisocial that I don't want to tell you guys about anything.

I had plane ticket troubles, but now everything is ok, and I'm still going to Ohio for spring break.

I'm coming home next weekend, but I think I'm going to be working the weekend away, so social life will be non existent. But cell phone bill will be paid.

I also need to meet Andrew's new girlfriend, who seems really nice and excited to meet me.

My parents sent me food for valentines... a box of Hershey's Kisses and some of my dad's homemade fudge. Which is worth dying for. Great stuff. I called them tonight, and talked for about a half an hour. I kind of miss them. And wish that I could see more of them... Go figure.

I'm applying for an internship this summer, but honestly don't think I have a chance. If I did get one, though, I'd probably (definitely) still work at Steak n Shake. I don't want to leave the job I've held for almost three years, especially with a boss I like and hours that really work for me. Doug hates that idea, though, and is trying to talk me out of it every time the subject gets brought up. He doesn't like the thought that we'd neevr get a chance to see each other. But I'm kind of fighting to stay in school right now, money-wise. Every little bit is helping me.

To avoid depression, I'm ending that thought train now.

And am going to go work on some homework.

That's a downright lie. I'm going to go watch Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends on Youtube.

Date:	2007-02-11 15:25
Subject:	A real update?
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Hook me up

It's hard to know that the one person you want to spend time with is 400 miles away. It's hard when people don't understand how you could let yourself fall back into a relationship so easily. It's hard when you don't even know how that happened yourself.

I'm listening to Bon Jovi right now, and haven't really listened to him in years. It kind of makes me feel like I'm in freshman year of high school again, but so far all I'm getting is good memories.

I interviewed three girls for a full-tuition scholarship. Actually, there were three of us interviewing each girl; a current student, alum, and professor. And after that, I don't think I ever want to deal with interviewers again. They were nice enough while the girl was in the room, but one she'd leave, they would tear her apart. The way one phrased her sentences, the way one wore heels but was obviously already tall, etc etc etc. The girl who was obviously most qualified, and had done the most work in high school, was not even considered. And in a textbook example of conformity, I found myself nodding with what they had to say.

I guess you can get all the theories of conformity there is in the world, but they still might not be able to help you out in your time of need.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, like the fact that I'm now on the road to a PhD for a career that is my second choice for my life path.

And that Spanish is completely kicking me down. But if I can get through about 52 more days of it, I'll be done for good.

And the guy that I was completely "in love with" for a year had no idea I even existed. I already knew that, but when it is pointed out, straight to you, by the guy himself, it almost hurts. I saw him Friday night, and he wished me good luck on my interview the next day (implying that I would be an incoming freshman...)

I corrected him, he felt bad, and I felt bad. That made my night.

I need a very long nap, a frosted brownie, Jimmy John's, and a new dress. I think that should do it.