Date:	2009-01-20 20:14
Subject:	We were at the beach... Everyone had matching towels!
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	B-52s

My hair smells like bread, not grease. Its a weird adjustment, but I like it.

So far, Panera is sooo much more wonderful than Steak n Shake. The people are nicer, the store is nicer, the atmosphere is nicer, everything. I can't believe it.

Not being in school is starting to take an odd toll on me. I miss it a lot, and feel like I'm doing nothing productive with my life right now. My grad school apps are in, so I'm waiting on those... I'm working, and that's about it. I want a project, I want to feel useful. I want to go to bed with the feeling that I've accomplished something that day, and lately I just haven't had that feeling.

Lately, actually, I've been feeling really lonely. I think that has a lot to do with being in an empty house so much. My parents have been out of town for the long weekend, and it's just been me and Andrew. We've been able to hang out and do a lot of things together, but the fact remains that all too often, I'm left alone. There's something really unnerving to me about being alone in the house. Even if someone is in the basement and I'm up in my room, I feel better.

Weekends like this make me wonder how I am ever going to be able to move out and live on my own. I keep having bad mental images of me pacing around an empty apartment, absolutely depressed.

I've been really tired lately... But I can't figure out why. I'm getting 7-8 hours of sleep, I shouldn't be this tired.

I wonder if you can become physically exhausted by thinking too much about the uncertainties.

....I'm wary of eyes upon my scars.

I don't really believe in making New Years Resolutions. They never work - you forget about them, you 'rationalize' your way out of them, etc etc. In a Turner class once, he had us decide on something we wanted to change about yourself, had us come up with motivational tools, all sorts of stuff, and I think everyone but one failed to change like we had planned (I tried to exercise more, and failed). It's just really hard to do, so why build up a list of things that, quite often, we know we'll never stick to?

That sounds so pessimistic, I know. I prefer to think it's profoundly realistic, but who knows? Anyways, my point is that I don't have a list of "New Years Resolutions" to share. There are things about me that I'm working on, but I have been for a couple months, so I don't think they really count.

I feel like I have more to say... but can't come up with anything. Story of my life.

Date:	2008-12-15 13:43
Subject:	"Is there no world for tomorrow if we wait for today?"
Security:	Public
Mood:	weird
Music:	Life Burns - Apocalyptica

Sometimes things are so hard.

"I think I'm afraid to be too happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens...."

Lately I've been feeling so oddly lonely. I don't know which part of my current situation contributes the most to that, but I guess it doesn't really matter much - what matters is that the feeling's here.

I've been feeling a purity of emotions lately. They're not apathetic, they're more real than ever. It's becoming like an addiction. I love feeling each one, to the full extent. Happiness to me is stronger than I can remember, and has a much better effect. Sadness has it's own unique beauty, and although it is an emotion that is usually to be avoided, I love exploring the different levels, the different effects. They're all so... equisite in their own right. And I love them. The happiness, the heartbreak, the laughter, the tears.

Hard days make for the longest and coldest nights.

Don't ever let life pass you by...

Lately I've been addicted to reading dark lyrics. I see such an odd beauty in them. My favorite right now is Life Burns...

We break our enemies with fear
And we've seen how the tears come around
We built our confidence on wasteland
We've seen how the walls come down

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
And we pray it would last

We have no sympathy for the lost souls
We've chosen the path of disgrace
We give this life to our children
And teach them to hate this place

Date:	2008-12-11 20:32
Subject:	"We all deserve to die... Even you, Mrs. Lovett, even I."
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Sweeney Todd - Epiphany

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling... Fall... back... again...

It's not going to happen. Will you leave me alone?

I'm not sure if I'm meant for the traditional. But it's what I want.

I hate that they all have what I want... and complain about it constantly.

Why are we still talking?

What's going to happen now?

Why are you so far away?

I feel like I'm sinking sometimes.

I can't wait for tomorrow night.

Date:	2008-11-30 19:18
Subject:	Musings of a Fast Food Worker
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Home Life - John Mayer

~Don't look down on me, or talk to me like I'm lower than you. You don't know me, nor do you know why I'm working for a fast food place. Would it surprise you to know that I'm 2 weeks away from my bachelors degree? To know that by working here, I was able to put myself through 3 and a half years of very expensive schooling, with (relatively) small debt? Just because I'm working a crappy job does not mean I am a crappy person.

~Don't refuse to look me in the eyes. That's just rude.

~If I got your order wrong, I did it by accident. A gentle correction is appreciated, not a correction with the tone implying I'm too stupid to understand what you were asking for.

~Do NOT put me on hold so that you can continue talking on your cell while in the drivethru. Not only is that rude, it can also slow down the many other things I have to do (I do more than take your order, silly.)

~Don't scold me for food taking too long to get from my hands to yours. It's rarely my fault. Don't blame the messenger/deliverer/whatever.

~When you look me in the eyes, smile, and say thank you, it quite honestly can make my day.

Date:	2008-11-20 22:25
Subject:	Perfection vs. Flaws
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	Eh Hee - Dave Matthews

Someone recently told me that something about me was perfect, and it made me sad... quite the opposite affect it was supposed to have, I suppose. I know it was meant as a compliment, and I know that I shouldn't have taken it in a negative way, but I couldn't help it, and I still can't help seeing it that way.

I don't want to be perfect.

In high school, there were several people who I saw as perfect. Beautiful, good grades, great relationships, happy families, amazing social skills - they seemed to have it all, and to me they were perfect. Granted, I didn't get to know them well, but from the distance...

But they were boring.

And flaws are not.

I like that I have my flaws, and I like that there isn't really any part of me that's perfect. If I was perfect, why would I have any drive towards self-improvement? I would remain stagnant... not growing, not striving, and that's not good for a person.

I like that my flaws make me unique as a person. I like how they keep me as an individual. I'm ok with them, and anyone who wants to get close to me has to be, too. I don't want to be perfect. I love having flaws.

I don't want to be the same. Its not that I necessarily want to stick out, to stand so far out... but I do want to be different, unique, individual, something special...

Date:	2008-11-17 18:56
Subject:	Musing.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	"The Big Bang Theory"

It really sucks to lose a friend.

That's a "duh" statement, I know. I look at it and know that it's something I should have realized a long time ago. I kind of always knew that, I mean, I'm not THAT clueless. But lately, the force of it has been hitting me over and over.

I feel so naive for having more faith in people than I should, for believing that things could happen when I should have known better. Gaaaaaah.

Everything happens for a reason, I hope. I wonder what God is trying to teach me through this?

Mmeeeerrrr, I need a hug or something.

Date:	2008-11-16 10:20
Subject:	Uneventful Weekend
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty
Music:	The Police :)

This weekend, both Meghan and Courtney went home to be with their families and bofriends, so I've had a very quiet weekend... That was ok, though, because I have a whole list of things to get done, and I've been able to be a little more productive when I don't have much else to besides my homework.

Meghan didn't leave until Saturday morning, so Friday night we went over to Sibert theater to see the hypnotist that the Student Activities Board brought to campus. SAB had asked Meghan to help work the lights at the show, so she and I sat up in the booth and watched the show from above. It was entertaining, but I still don't like it when people use hypnotism for amusement...

Saturday morning, I didn't get out of bed until 11am, which is hours later than I've managed to do in a long time. I hadn't been sleeping well last week, so it was nice to make up for it all. I basically did homework all day, plus watched some tv (TV Land plays 3rd Rock from the Sun now, which makes me really excited!), until about 6:00. Some of the girls on the floor had ordered Chinese food, and I had put in an order with them, so we all sat in Liz's room and ate our food while watching Bruce Almighty. Then back to more homework, until 10:30, when some of us went down to Bruner to watch The Dark Night. The movie didn't get started until about 11:15, which means that it was a really late night for me last night. I don't think I got into bed until about 2:00, but I know I fell asleep right after that.

Today is filled with more homework, leftover Chinese food, working on grad school stuff, maybe going to Mass with my RA tonight (I want to see what it's like), maybe Bible study at 8, but definitely more homework. I don't know how it all managed to pile up with week, when it's actually been a pretty stress-free week, homework-wise...

Life-wise, its been seeming a little rougher. I have all of these questions in my head, and I don't even know where to begin dealing with them. I've started writing in my journal again, which is actually really helpful in figuring things out, but I just don't seem to set enough time aside to do enough of it. Maybe I should actually start scheduling time to do that, as it usually gets bumped aside for doing homework...?

Date:	2008-11-02 16:50
Subject:	Ranting and raving about people, because everyone gets to now and then.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	Breaking Benjamin

Why don't you notice her? Stop ignoring her. You need to stop before I cry.

You're an ass, an absolute ass. Silly me for thinking you were someone you weren't. Naive, silly little me.

What do you want from me? I thought I kind of had things figured out, but you shift so much that I can't keep track anymore.

LIAR.

I kind of wish you would leave me alone.

Why do you have to keep doing that over and over? Why can't you just let it go?

What did I ever do to you?

I tried, and I tried hard. Now it's up to you, and if you don't even try, I will never forgive you.

I kind of hate you. And I hate that.

You're exhausting to deal with.

Rawr.

Date:	2008-10-26 21:20
Subject:	Heavy weights...
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Pretty Woman

Lots of stress lately. Not only do I have some big projects coming up, the end of the semester in only a few weeks (didn't it just start???), and general, everday schoolwork, I'm also really getting started on my grad school applications. I was actually working on two a few minutes ago, but put them aside to update this instead. I've got a list of seven that I plan on applying to, as long as I can scrounge up the money. I think it costs a lot of money to get the official GRE scores mailed to them (rumor has it, 20$ per school!), plus the application fees... I think my next few school paychecks will be going to that. Oh well... it will all be worth it in the end (I hope!)

My list of schools is currently:

Ball State (Indiana)
Chicago School of Professional Psychology (Chicago:) )
Adler School of Professional Psychology (Chicago)
Marquette University (Wisconsin)
Bradley University (Peoria)
St. Thomas (Minnesota)
Western Kentucky University (Kentucky)

I think I might actually be looking at Stout in Wisconsin, too :) They sent me information on their Marriage and Family therapy program, so I'll be looking at that here soon enough.

This weekend was an extremely low-key one, almost to the point of boredom. Friday night, I ate pizza with United Campus for Women (one of the groups that I"m involved with), then went to see a speaker that we had brought to campus. She talked about eating disorders, but put a comic (but not mocking) twist to the lecture. It was really good.

Saturday I worked in the admission office for a few hours, then worked on some grad school stuff, watched tv, then watched a movie with Courtney. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, with Jim Carey and Kate Winslet... It was interesting, but I'm going to have to watch it again to understand it better. I think I'll really like it if I can get a fuller grasp of what happened :) Not long after that, Courtney, Yuka (a Japanese exchange student who lives on our floor), and I went to Wal-Mart (eeeeeevil) to get some knitting supplies. Yuka wanted to learn how to knit, so we had to get some yarn and needles. We also got some good ol' frozen dinners (dining hall food is not good at all on the weekends), came home, and had a microwave feast. Yum, yum.

We spent most of the night teaching Yuka to knit, watching tv, and listening to Courtney sing bad renditions of David Bowie songs :)

This morning, I walked to church, then came home, had lunch, read my book (White Oleander, very good). At 2, Courtney's friend Clay come over, and the three of us watched Labyrinth (more David Bowie!), and then some Carl Sagan, and then just spent time hanging around and talking. Dinner was ramen noodles and chips (mmm, healthy). Worked some more on grad school applications, then found Pretty Woman on TNT, so Courtney and I are watching that.

I did so much homework last week, that I got to take the weekend off from a lot of it. I did that on purpose, thinking it would be so nice to take the weekend off from it all, but it left me feeling very... I don't know, without a driving purpose. Interesting.

This week will be much of the same old, same old. I don't think I have anything too interesting planned... except for more homework and grad school applications. Excitiiing.

I need happy news and motivation.

Date:	2008-10-21 20:41
Subject:	Scattered thoughts on life:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Dave Matthews - The Stone.

-To be yourself is all you can really do.

-The only one you can ever really rely on is yourself. People rarely turn out to be who you thought they were, and while this can often end up as a good circumstance, it doesn’t always happen. Don’t rely on someone you don’t know well enough.

-A moment of clarity can do wonders for a person.

-Perfecting monologues in your head is rarely helpful in real life, as you’re rarely given a chance to recite under the circumstance you had planned for.

-Its odd how someone can tell me the exact words I needed to hear in order to be cheered up… and my immediate response is uncontrollable sobbing.

-If you’re considering doing something that will hurt another person, but they beat you to it, it still really hurts.

-I wish I wasn’t so paranoid, so worried, so self-conscious, so insecure. I wish I wasn’t so scared.

-My overwhelming naivety is pretty embarrassing.

-I’m not an incredibly social person. I love my alone time, and need a few hours of it a day to keep my sanity.

-I wish I knew how to express myself better.

-I want so badly to be able to see six months into the future. There are so many questions I want answered, and I don't want to have to wait.

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!? Don't think so highly of yourself. As if.

-I had such a good break... I already want to go back to Chatham.

I've been having a big problem with motivation lately. I can't force myself to sit down, open up my books, and read. I don't know why I'm having such a big problem with it this semester, as opposed to every other one. I keep thinking maybe it's that whole senior-itis phenonenon, but it seems kind of different this time around. I have this constant overwhelming apathetic sensation...

At the same time, I'm feeling really stressed. I don't quite know how one pulls off immensly apathetic and stressed at the same time, but I'm doing it somehow. I don't know why I"m so stressed out and anxious about stuff. I think maybe I'm just getting really worried about my future... it's about that time where the big decisions have to be made, and I'm not ready to make them. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life, but I need to get on that. Just because I know where I'd like to go to school and what I want a degree in doesn't mean I have much comfort in my future. There are so many things I wish I could have figured out, and that fact that I don't wears on me. I need to get over the fact that right now I can't plan for the things I want to plan for...

There are so many things right now getting me worked up, and they shouldn't be. I know in my head, in my heart, that they're not a big deal, but my silly little self can't help but make bigger deals out of them than I should me. I feel so... messed up.

Things aren't going badly. This is just me, being me, in this mood that I get into. A good sleep under some soft blankets will do me good.

Date:	2008-09-27 15:00
Subject:	A week of firsts...
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	listening to the Simpsons

Tuesday, I went to a bar and got my first legal drink. Cranberry and vodka... yum. Dollar drink night is nifty. A little weird when you go with your two best friends... neither of whom are there to drink, and you yourself only have the one. I think we were in and out of the bar in less than 30 minutes. Woo.

Friday, I went to Festival Foods and tried to get some Mike's... and got carded for the first time. Too bad my license is still a minor's license. Meghan had to buy it.

We then came home, and for the first time I sat through an entire presidential debate. Meghan and I tried to play a presidential debate drinking game, but it didn't work too well.

My firsts all had to do with alcohol. How fabulous. I think I've gotten my fix for the next couple months.

This weekend was supposed to be a weekend full of reading and studying, but so far this has not proved to be true. Meghan and I are watching the Simpsons, I was at one point pretending to clean my room up a little, but now I've given up and am trying to put more pictures up on Facebook. But either the internet, or the new Facebook, hates my pictures and won't let me do it. Uber-frustrating.

Oh wait. There it goes! Woohooooo :)

Date:	2008-09-10 23:37
Subject:	thoughtful
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	That 70s Show...

So, the date weekend was pretty wonderful. Friday night, Meghan and I went to the gallery hop, which wasn't quite as exciting as I would have hoped, but I'm still glad we went. One of the galleries was showcasing photography from a girl who went to Greece with me, so I got to see what kind of pictures she had been taking while we were out there.

After gallery-hopping, Meghan and I travelled onward to WalMart... the quintesential college experience. WalMart on a Friday night. Meghan had some things to pick up, so I went with her. We walked around WalMart for awhile, and I'll admit, I bought some stuff while we were there. I hate WalMart, but I do love their bin of $5 DVDs. That's why I went with her :) So, got some new DVDs, a bunch of bananas, and then convinced Meghan that cheese fries and a milk shake sounded really good. Good thing that Steak n Shake is right across the street!

So, for about an hour and a half, she and I sat in SnS, eating friends and fruit, drinking our shakes, and telling stories. Then back to campus, where we sat in her room for hours, until 1 in the morning, just talking and hanging out.

Saturday was a day to myself, where I watched movies and pretended to do homework until about 5, when I got dinner... and then resumed with tv and pretending to do homework. The week of classes had kind of burned me out, so taking a day off from everything was really nice. A little after 7, Sam, my RA, same and got me, and she and I went down to the Ludo concert. We picked up one of her friends along the way, and then met Meghan down in Cummings. The concert was great - Meghan and I bought a CD and got it signed, which was also pretty cool.

Sunday was a day to catch up on my homework... nothing too thrilling there. Although, after dinner Meghan and I went back to WalMart... and this time I went in my pjs. Another wonderful college experience :)

Overall, it was just a pretty good weekend.

This week, however, is pretty stressful. I've had about 400 pages to read up until today, along with stats homework, classes, work... I've still been doing a lot of extra work, trying to get a lot of new Ambassadors trained. It's stressful, but hopefully my paycheck will make up for it. The campus got a pay raise over the summer, but we still get paid less than minimum wage. No fun.

This weekend is the "annual" Sime Women Canoe Trip, which I'm also pretty excited about :)

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately... how I've gotten to where I am, where I thought I would be, where I want to go. I feel like there are so many question marks in the future, and I hate that. I love having things planned out, to have at least an idea of what's going on. But I'm not so sure what's going to happen. Get my masters... and then what??

And the past... I keep remembering all of these things that I wish hadn't happened. I told someone this summer that I don't regret any of my decisions that I've made before. I have to take that back. There are two, one of which makes me sad too often. But only recently have they started to really affect me...

I'm not going to let them tear me down, though. I can't change them, I can only learn from them and move forward. Become stronger, and resolve not to let those situtions occur again.

Sometimes I think that maybe I am a better person because of what happened. I learned so much about myself, and although I wish they hadn't have happened, they lead me to who I am now, how I feel about certain things, and how I react to situations. Maybe the results aren't ideal, but they're me.

And I'm generally fairly happy with who I am :)

Date:	2008-09-04 20:15
Subject:	Brrr.
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	Whatever the guys in the room below me are listening to.

Even though my computer is fixed, I'm sitting in the Baxter computer lab, playing on the internet. The thought process was that I would do my stats homework in here, which I did, but I figured that I would then continue with other homework. That I didn't. But it's so cold in here, that I'm thinking about leaving anyways. I have a Psychology Club meeting in 20 minutes downstairs, though, so I guess I'll just have to suck it up until that's over.

School has been going ok still. Classes are still getting themselves worked out, and I'm finally starting to hear about my self-taught class. I guess Turner wants us to meet Wednesdays at 4 (even though it's self-taught, we'll have the weekly meetings to keep ourselves on track)... which would conflict with my psych senior sem but Elwood has decided that we don't actually have to meet until 4:30, and that 4:00 will do just fine. I'll have to make sure that's actually what is going to happen, though. I told Turner that I would probably be late for the weekly meeting, and that I need to make sure Elwood's thought process doesn't change again within the next week, so we'll see how all that goes.

I've been working a lot in the Admission Office lately, despite having so few scheduled hours. We're working on training 20-30 new ambassadors, and since I have the loosest schedule (my fellow Leadership Core buddy has an insanely rough schedule this semester), I'm taking on a lot of the responsibilities of training. It doesn't bother me much; I need the money, and I like training.... and today, I didn't even have any classes to go to, so why not work and make some money? I had to take 3 tours out today, and each time it was raining. It had been raining constantly today. Even though I had my nice new rain coat on, walking around for three hours in the rain still gets you soaked to the bone. I even had an umbrella, but that only helps so much...

After I got back from doing that, I discovered how mood-lifting dry clothes can really be :)

Meghan and I have a date weekend coming up that we're both really excited about. Courtney is going out of town, so it's just the two of us. Friday night there is a gallery hop in Jacksonville, where the local gallerys display new artwork from local artists, so we'll be going to that. It doesn't go too late, though, so we might watch a movie or something after that. Saturday night Illinois College is hosting a concert by Ludo... I had never heard of them before, but Meghan sent me a video of one of their songs, and it got me pretty excited.

exhibit A ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA

It's a little weird, but makes me happy every time I hear it.

For my Psych Senior seminar, Elwood is having us read some articles on cyborgs, and had us do a lot of research on them. I still haven't quite figured out his thought process behind it yet, but whatever. I did the reading, I did the research. It was so weird about some of the things that turned up, though. One article in particular kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies, as my grandma would say. It talked about a woman who was becoming a 'cyborg' because of her reliance on technology... but it wasn't that she was reliant that made me uncomfortable, it was how she relied on it. It said that for the past five or so years (the article was posted in 2004 though), the woman had not had actual sex, but had numerous experiences of cybersex and phone sex. And the researcher who was studying this expressed the opinion that this would someday be more common than actual intercourse... I guess because there is the same end, but different (and safer?) means.

I'm not disgusted by the thought of cybersex/phone sex; that's not what gave me my case of heebie-jeebies. It was the fact that the theory expressed believes that people would be fine with giving up the intimacy, the humanness of one of the most human acts, for safety.

Granted, I think a world with less unwanted pregnancies, less abortions, less STDs, and less AIDS would be marvolous. But I can't imagine giving up the act itself. I guess it's hard for me to talk about this from where I am in life (can a virgin analyze the pros and cons of cybersex and 'normal' sex??), but for my, just being touched, held, cuddled, is something that I would never want to give up. I love it all so much, and can't imagine ditching it in an attempt to stay safe. There's so many other options...

But anyways, those are my thoughts on the theory of cybersex becoming the norm. TMI?

Too bad. You didn't have to read it. :)

Date:	2008-08-31 21:12
Subject:	A favorite hobby returns.
Security:	Public
Mood:	quixotic
Music:	Dave Matthews - Lover Lay Down

So, Friday the helpdesk called me back, saying that my internet was fixed. Hooray, right?

I ask Meghan to help me lug it back across campus, and when we got it back to my room, I set it back up and plugged everything back in... logged on... clicked on IE... and nothing. Hoooooow wonderful.

Over lunch, I told Courtney about it, and she said we would take it back to the helpdesk Monday, and she would give them a good lashing. She also told me that she'd play around with the computer this weekend, to see if she could figure anything out.

So, tonight she and Meghan were hanging out with me in my room, and Courtney got my internet to work again. I cheered, and then immediately started playing on it. It has been much too long since I've been able to use the internet on this computer. I missed it. I also missed the ability to play around on the internet in my undies. Haha.

You think I'm joking.

This weekend was pretty wonderful. Friday night, Courtney, Meghan and I went out to First Friday, where we played casino games, bingo, ate Dippin Dots, and just hung out. Chris got to campus later that night, and we stayed up much too late talking... and as a result spent most of Saturday watching tv and napping. That evening was dinner out with the group, then back to more tv.

It actually doesn't sound like much, but it was probably one of the best birthday presents I've gotten in a long time. It made me smile.

Tomorrow, it's back to the real world. Well, not really - tomorrow, the real world gets a day off. I have class. How freaking thrilling. Plus, I have a lot of reading to do, as well as looking for 10 articles on cyborgs (wtf?). I'm already sooooo beyond ready for this semester to be over. But I'm not looking forward to going back to Steak n Shake full time for a couple months. Nor am I really thrilled about going off to grad school. Me thinks I have to find something in the future to start looking forward to.

Date:	2008-08-28 16:03
Subject:	Finally 21!
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Just me and Courtney talking in the lab...

So, after years of waiting, I'm finally 21. It's not nearly as exciting as I would have hoped. On my birthday, I went to 3 classes (statistics, and my two senior seminars), and then ate out of a tub of cookie dough and read Cosmo and some other trashy girl magazine with Courtney and Meghan. It was immensly low-key, but I really loved it.

Classes seem like they're going to be ok, albeit a little rough. My stats class should be easy enough (it's a 100 level class), but my two seminars seem like there is going to be a lot of reading, a lot of writing, and a lot of research and presenting. I'm not so entirely thrilled about that, but the thought of "this is my last semester, I can see the end in sight!!!" is keeping me going.

Today, Courtney and I called the helpdesk (actually, she called it for me, because she has a better idea of what's going on than I do, and she's such a sweetie), and they called me back and told me that I could bring it in today to have it checked out. So, Courtney and I just got back from lugging it across campus (I did the actual lugging, and she helped me with doors:) ), and hopefully I'll have it back within the next couple days with some questions answered and an idea of what's going on.

Tonight, there's a social on my floor, so I'll be going to that. Otherwise, I don't have a lot of plans. I should look over my stats chapter before class tomorrow, and do some practice problems... I really want to make sure I get an A in that class. I'm not sure how realistic an A is in either of my seminars, so I'll be working hard to make sure that the other classes at least have really good grades in them. And this weekend there are a bunch of "welcome back to campus" events, so I'm sure I'll be going to a couple of those. How exciting :)

Also, one of my favorite persons in the whole world is coming to visit me this weekend, and I'm excited beyond anything. It's been much too long since I've seen him...

Date:	2008-08-26 13:19
Subject:	Final Semester
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

So, being as this is my final semester here at IC, I thought I should keep a more detailed journal than I have been in the past. So, here goes. I moved in on Sunday afternoon, and by about 9:00 that night I had most of my stuff unpacked. I have yet to figure out why my internet won't work on my computer in my room, but everything else seems to be working ok so I'm not too worried about it yet. Right now, I'm in the computer lab in Baxter with Meghan and Courtney, killing time until a professor shows up who Meghan needs to talk to.

Classes started today, and there are two exciting parts to this story. One, I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so yesterday I was making fun of my friends who had more than one class to go to today. Two... Courtney let me check her email, and last night I found out the my professor for my Tuesday class had a doctor's appointment, and so canceled class for the day. So, on my first day of classes, I had no class to go to. How exciting! I consider this my early birthday present from IC and Dr. Elwood.

So, today I've been doing some errands (which I did yesterday as well). Went to work, and got caught up with all the goings-on at the Admissions Office, and am working on getting a schedule down with them... have been working on cleaning and organizing my room... and just getting ready for classes tomorrow. I have my stats class at noon, my psychology senior seminar at 2:40, and my religion senior seminar at 6:30. Woohoo, night classes!

Tonight Meghan, Courtney, and I are going on a shopping trip to ShopKo... and I'm actually fairly excited about it. How silly am I?

Date:	2007-11-04 19:17
Subject:	Desiring a change - for the better
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	The Raconteurs... one of the best debut cds I've ever heard

I just finished eating my last fun size Milky Way bar, which made me utterly sad. Not because of the disappearance of the chocolate, but because this afternoon, I was sitting, talking to my mom, and eating them. For some reason, the little chocolate bar reminded me of my mom. And now it's gone.

It's kind of pathetic, I know. I just feel bad, because this weekend home was supposed to be different than other weekends. Usually, I'm with Doug. I love that, but this weekend, I wanted to spend time with my parents. My mom especially, because I know she's going to be going through a rough couple of weeks. Dad is working 7-7 shifts, and when he gets home he usually falls asleep quickly. I don't blame him, those hours are rough. But since Andrew's usually out with Jamie or on the computer/phone, I think she's going to be really lonely lately. And it makes me sad. To the point where I think about it and tear up.

However, this weekend didn't quite work how I had hoped it would. Which was my own fault. I offered to work this weekend, and ended up spending 20 hours at Happy Land. Which meant little time at home. Not to mention the fact that I left the house this morning an hour and a half early for work, so that I could meet Doug for breakfast. I guess I just can't spend time away from that boy :)

Anyways, I find myself missing my mom, even though I saw her not 3 hours ago. I wish I could call her up and say hi, let her know that I worry about her. But after that, I wouldn't have much to say. Mostly, I just want to spend time with her...

I also find myself looking for a personal change... I've been working on self improvements lately, and since I'm alsready working on it all, I wish I could just get myself to be a little more intellectual. I wish I could spell the great words I want to use - I wish I knew precisely what they meant. I wish I was more fluent in subjects that interest me. I wish I could retain knowledge better. I wish I knew how to explain myself better, so that when I have an idea, I can convey it to other people without stammering quite so much. I wish that, instead of listening to other people talk about their ideas, opinions, interests, I had the courage to speak up and offer my own... that I wouldn't be so afraid that they'd see it as silly, poke holes all through it, and then disregard it.

Until I can be more outspoken about it, I'll just be content with quite and introspective... And I think that's ok with me, for now anyways.

Date:	2007-10-14 12:38
Subject:	A month of contemplation
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Everything, Avenged Sevenfold

I hate it when a month goes by, and nothing interesting has occured to speak of. I've been going to class, working my little buns off, and haven't been sleeping much. Not so much for lack of time, but lack of ability, I guess. Having problems with sleeping sucks.

In two weeks, it will have been 10 months since Doug and I started dating again, but it doesn't even feel like half of that has really gone by. I guess what makes it feel like that is the fact that 8 months of it was a distance thing. Which completely sucked. When we started dating again, I didn't think about how hard it would be to mend a broken relationship over the phone, knowing that we'd be able to see each other only once every few months. I think that we did surprisingly well, however. We're still trying to work some things out, and learn about how we've changed. I, for one, feel like I've become a giant mess, and anything said to the contrary is rarely accepted. I also feel like, around Doug, I become more carefree and childlike again. I'm not always a huge fan of my childlike demeanor, but I do love that carefree state.

I feel so different when I'm around him, and not a bad different. When I look at him, I can imagine spending my life with him.

Until that day, I'll just keep plugging away at life. Get good grades, work for minimum wage 5 hours a week, and be, overall, very happy with life.

I've been more optimistic lately. Viewing life in a whole new way. Introverted optimism is kind of cool, I like it.