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|Monday, April 28th, 2003|
I am so pissed/hurt. Steven and I haven't been doing very well lately... and my mom suggested we agree to write down all the things we wish would change in our relationship, then get together and talk about it. Well I called him from my grandparents' house to tell him about the idea. He said "There's no point. It'll waste paper." WASTE PAPER? Then I went on to beg him to do it, and told him it was really important to me. He started getting irritated and absolutely refused to take the time to write it down. FUCK if he can't even do this stupid little thing for me... I have heard that fucking phrase 3 times today! "There's no point." It rings in my head everytime he says it. The first time it was because I asked if he wanted to take a walk with me. It was nice and sunny out but he would rather sit and watch TV. The second time I asked if he wanted to go to Carrs to get some soda since we drank all of my mom's- and for some reason there was no point in that either. There is no point in fucking being together if there isn't a point in taking a fucking walk with me! Fuck.
If he doesn't show some enthusiam in where our relationship is headed then at the end of May I'm saying goodbye.
ON A FEW LIGHTER NOTES- we got our shit moved in. We just gotta clean the apartment a bit and take some furniture to the dump. And here's a little quote from my grandfather. (Classic!)
"If me and Uncle Tom were in a rowboat in the middle of a lake and he said, "You mind if I smoke some marijuana" I'd say "Sure, gimme a drag."
HAHAHA!!! MY MOM AND MY GRANDMA WERE SHOCKED. Then my mother went on to say he wasn't a Christian. Ha ha. My grandpa is just so funny. Hearing that from a 75 year old man is great.
Current Mood: Eh.
|Saturday, April 26th, 2003|
Today Steven and I packed our asses off. Then we headed to my mom's condo to help her rearrange her furniture. We are in the process of cleaning the carpet also- OXY CLEAN WORKS WONDERS! I'm serious- by dog pee peed on the floor and Oxy Clean made it disappear. We're going to Wal-Mart in a bit to buy some more for OUR carpet.
|Thursday, April 24th, 2003|
Today Ken, Steven, and I went job hunting. I might get a job at Quiznos! The lady there was really interested in me working for her- apparently there are just too many guys there. She also said I seemed pretty friendly, and had plenty of customer service experience.
I keep having wet dreams. (Girls have wet dreams too!) Seriously, I have been dreaming about sex for about a week now. I don't know why-- but its always pleasant. Dream orgasms are JUST SUPER.
Steven and I have an official breakup date- its going to be May 23rd. I think having a breakup date will give us major incentive to treat each other better.
|Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003|
Kitty Witty has ear mites. And conjunctivitus. Poor baby- she's had a rough day.
Steven and I fought today. He was being very critical of my "ideals." You know- thinking I'm sooo much better than the rest of the population. Its not my fault! God, at least I'm CONFIDENT. Which I'm not even that- he should know that. My little rants on "world issues" are just ways to disguise my own insecurities.
So he made me cry- he said he felt like breaking up with me. We talked about it though and decided it wasn't a good idea. (Only because he needs me and I need him. Yeah!) We even discussed our ideal significants others. I told him he should find a perky goth chick who likes heavy metal, anime, and cleans up after herself. (I am NONE of those- except I'm a goth metalhead on occasion.) He said I should find some REALLY clean pro-active dude who looks like Johnny Rzeznik and loves to talk about "world issues." (He's really clean, and that's all. He doesn't even have hair!" His suggestion? "I think you and Dave would be great together!" Uh- sure Dave is all "ADBUSTERS this, FREE TIBET that," but he still smokes waaay too much pot.
My lips are chapped.
During the argument I started crying- I was like, "DAMMIT! I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE LIKE A FUCKING LOSER! I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE AND ITS GOING TO BE WORTH SOMETHING!!!! RAAAAARGH!"
Wish me luck. Heh- not like luck has any fucking thing to do with it.
Johnny Rzeznik sings on the new Yardbirds' album!!! WHOO HOO! Yardbirds + Johnny = Mariann coming
Oh. OH. OH!!!
And I'm spent.
Current Mood: post-orgasmic bliss
Rescue me... take me in your arms...
Kitty Witty has to go to the vet today. Her ears are bothering her, and I swabbed em with a Q-tip and they are bleeding. :(
I talked to CD a while ago- I told him it was Louann who told me they were sleeping together and he didn't believe me. (???) He'll learn soon enough that my sister rips people apart. I don't even love her anymore, its really sad. But how can you love someone who has lied to you so much? Who is a big reason why your entire family hated each other? Talking to my family without her around helped me piece together WHY we all fought so much. I am really sad about it, but I don't like being sad. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. Maybe I do.
Yesterday Steven and I went to my mom's to take the dogs out (she wouldn't be back until 8 pm) and I forgot the keys. So we went to a bunch of random places, ended up arguing like we always do, and split. I sat on my mom's porch for about an hour and a half, while he rode the bus home. I get so sick of his bitching- I know I bitch a lot but its hardly ever directed at him. And I know I'm really forgetful, but I don't like being told it was "stupid" over and over again. He was so pissy the entire time. I can never enjoy myself when he's around...
I need to get out of this place- whatever "this place" is. Sometimes I feel like if I had a choice (or if I had the money) I'd just run away... I've always wanted to run away to some extent but lately its been really intense. I'm really unhappy.
Steven got his $600 tax return.
I bought a new CD- All American Rejects. Its not that good- it was only 10 dollars. "Swing, Swing" is catchy though.
I'm never going to Starbucks AGAIN. Overrated piece of shit.
Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, April 16th, 2003|
Kitty Witty comes home.
Yes, she came home last night. When we went to the Humane Society to pick her up (me and my mom) I started crying. I always cry over stupid shit, especially visiting the Adopt-A-Cat warehouse. My heart just breaks whenever I see those hundreds of attention-starved babies. They all just look at you like, "Pet me! Take me home!" There are even cats there with cancer and AIDS. If I could I would scoop up a handful and take them home with me... but I can't. *sniff*
When I saw Kitty Witty I was like, "OH MY GOD!!!" She was HUGE. A friggin' BLIMP! She was getting fat before she was taken away but- WOW. I picked her up and started crying. I almost made the volunteer girl cry too. I know she recognized me- I called her "Kitty Witty" and her ears perked up.
I started crying in the car too. I was like, "Oh God if she doesn't recognize Steven he will be heartbroken." But she did! When we got in the house and Steven took her out of her crate her eyes got all teary. I wonder if cats cry like people do- because if so she was definitely crying. And we know she recognized him because she was so calm- usually cats are freaked out when they are brought to new environments. But she just sat there and purred.
We brought her to the apartment- she will stay there with us until we move in with my mom. She is doing really well- in the middle of the night she jumped on the bed (amazing considering how overweight she is now) and laid on Steven's chest like she used to as a kitten. That made him so happy- he even picked up a book and read it while she laid there like old times. Right now she is lying on her back with her big belly out in the open- haha, she is just HUMONGOUS!
I missed my Kitty Witty. :(
But now she is home for good. :)
Current Music: John Lennon, "Stand By Me"
|Monday, April 14th, 2003|
My mom woke me up around noon and asked if I wanted to visit Grandma and Grandpa. It was nice- but on the way back my mom confessed something that put in one of the biggest outrages I have experienced in a looong time. And that is saying a lot.
She told me that Kitty Witty was taken to the Humane Society because Louann told her that Steven was plucking her hair out with tweezers. When she confessed my mouth just dropped. And I started ranting and raving about how fucked up that was... blah blah blah. I also started crying because that was our CAT for God's sake! FUCK! This is something that will be very hard to forgive. Why did she lie? That is what I want to know!
Then later my mom called and told me she was buying Kitty Witty back from the Humane Society. I cried about that too. Apparently she is even fatter than before.
Fuck my sister. What a sneaky manipulative fucking bitch. And I am not to be trusted? HA.
|Saturday, April 12th, 2003|
Steven and I went to my mom's house to clear out the bedroom we will be staying in.
While I was there I went through my old stuff and I found two of my long lost Goo Goo Dolls CDs.
1.) What I Learned About Ego and Opinion, Art and Commerce
2.) Iris (single) along with Lazy Eye off Batman soundtrack AND (whoo hoo) I Don't Want To Know, a remake of Fleetwood Mac.
I'm so happy about that.
|Friday, April 11th, 2003|
I HATE DRUNK PEOPLE.
The question on my mind is, "Why me?" This isn't just a question geared towards feeling sorry for my self. Judging by last nights events I think it is a very valid question.
5:00 am- Some dude rings our doorbell. I look out the window to see if its someone I know- its not so I grumble and try to go back to sleep. He starts talking to himself and walks away.
5:05 am- Dude and drunken girl meet outside the apartment and she asks if she can use his phone, if he has one. He tells her he wants his dick sucked, and she starts freaking out. "I'm not going to touch you! DO YOU HAVE A PHONE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!" He gets persistent... I walk outside in my pajamas and say to them "It 5:00 in the morning DAMMIT. I'm trying to sleep." Stupid drunken chick begs me to use the phone- obviously she is drunk off her ASS and this dude is really sick and creepy. So I let her in.
5:10 am- Drunken girl (named Lenora) calls every person she knows and is wailing at the top of her lungs. I just want to wring her fucking neck because she is waking every person in the entire goddamn apartment complex up. But she is drunk, and doesn't care. Meanwhile that creepy dude is STILL outside the apartment waiting for her so I threaten to call the cops on him. He leaves.
6:15 am- Her wailing went on for about an hour before someone called the cops. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want her to be out on the streets... that creepy dude could be around and would definitely take advantage of her. Anyway, cops show up at my doorstep and she's hiding in the bedroom. The woman cop was pissed because she had talked to that girl earlier- she said "Get the hell out of here! I'm taking you home!"
All is well that end's well? NO.
7:00 am- I'm sleeping and the phone rings. A lot. Its Lenora and she is bitching me out for calling the cops on her. I told her I didn't call the cops on her, but she proceeds to threaten me. "I know where you live you fucking bitch!" Calls over and over again- finally I file a police report.
9:00 am- I wake up to hear a loud vacuuming sound outside. WOW! PEOPLE ARE VACUUMING THE FUCKING PARKING LOTS AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TAKING A BROOM AND DOING IT??? Oh yeah and not to mention the vacuum guys were shouting at the top of their lungs- "Bring the hose over here Johnny! We got a little pile o' dirt over here Bill! Boys get to work!" Like their fucking construction workers or some shit...
9:30 am- Doorbell rings. Ken needs to move his car so they can vacuum.
10:00 am- Some dude driving a really forklift wakes us up again. This time we don't go back to sleep...
Fuck! Lake Otis is a shithole. Every night I have to hear drunk people. They are the most worthless fucking creatures on the face of this planet!!! I am sooo anti-drunk people.
|Wednesday, April 9th, 2003|
Last night Steven and I spent the night at my mom's house. We watched TV and slept on the floor. It was so hard getting to sleep- I barely got ANY sleep actually so when my mom went to work I got up and slept in my mom's bed.
Oh yeah and in the middle of the night we went to Carrs because we were hungry.
|Monday, April 7th, 2003|
You go girl!
"You know when you look in the mirror and you think I'm so fat, I'm so old, I'm so ugly. Don't you know that's not your authentic self but that is billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard earned dollars to the mall to buy some turn around cream that doesn't turn around shit."
Today Steven changed his mind, although he called his mom and she said she would help him move to Texas. He decided he wanted to live with me and my mom- because he couldn't bear to part with me. It makes me feel relieved, yet guilty.
We started packing today. I brought some stuff to my grandparents to sell at the yard sale. I have a few boxes of things I want to donate to Head Start, and things I want to pawn like Steven's Nintendo 64 and some hard-cover books that were really expensive.
This is really exciting, moving out. I hate this apartment and I don't care if we violate our lease.
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Poe, "Fingertips"
|Saturday, April 5th, 2003|
Fuck! I cut myself pretty good today... it's a long story. It looks awful and my shirt keeps rubbing up against it. It hurts!
Steven wants to move to Texas. He's going to try to by the end of this month. I don't know if he can- part of him doesn't think he could leave me. I think its a good idea because his ex-stepfather is going to give him a job for $500 a week. He said he wants to save money and everything. Then he can come back and be with me... but I will miss him so much.
My head aches. Since we are getting rid of this apartment (breaking out lease) I'm going to be so busy. We're going to sell most of our stuff because my grandparents are having a yard sale. Those are always fun. We have lots of useless furniture we don't need.
I feel so sad about this. Although I hate this apartment so much its been great living with Steven. And now we're going to be split apart. I've cried a lot today. I think I should stop crying.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Ani D, "In the Way"
|Friday, April 4th, 2003|
Well today was my day off. I'm contemplating whether or not I should go back into work. Dino's Donuts is hiring for a cashier and its right across the street from where I live.
Steven and I went to my mom's condo to talk about what she expects if we move in. Steven was really quiet about it- and while we were walking around looking for jobs he said that he didn't want to do it. He said my mom was really eccentric and he didn't think he could handle her. She IS eccentric at times but it would be better than struggling like we are now. Anyway, later he changed his mind and said it was all him. He has issues with asking people for help.
I don't know whats going to happen- argh.
I just got the new Ani Difranco album Evolve!!! I especially love the following song called Serpentine, it's so bittersweet. She is the INDIE QUEEN and her music makes me want to lay down and sob. Or jump up and SCREAM!
"...And the music industry mafia is pimping girl power
Sniping off sharpshooter singles from their styrofoam towers
And hip hop is tied up in the back room
With a logo stuffed in its mouth
Cuz the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house
I'm getting away from myself
As I get closer and closer to home
And the difference between
You and me baby
Is I get fucked up when I'm alone
And I must admit
Today my inner pessimist
Seems to have got the best of me
We start out sugared up on Kool-aid and manifest destiny
And we memorize all the presidents' names
Like little trained monkeys
And then we're spit into the world
So many spinny-eyed T.V. junkies
Incapable of unravelling the military industrial mystery
Preemptively pacified with history book history
And I've been around the world now
And I can see this about America:
The mind control is steep here, man
The myopia is deep here..."
|Thursday, April 3rd, 2003|
So much is happening in my life right now. It is completley insane all the changes happening at once. For one thing Steven and I are probably going to move in with my mom for a few months until we get back on our feet. Crazy!
Another thing- my sister showed up today and bitched at me because I told my mom that she was sleeping with CD. He was there too and started yelling at me. He kept saying, "I don't know who told you we were sleeping together but they LIED!" and my sister just sat there in silence which makes me wonder if she lied about it. I would like to know- because its about time she stopped fucking lying. Then she told me she can't trust me and my mom so she doesn't want to talk to me again. It really hurt my feelings, because I have put up with her lies for so long. I just wish I could catch her red-handed. Maybe I should call up CD and tell him it was HER who told me they were sleeping together.
Then Joon yelled at me and started cursing because he read the wrong side of the ticket. It wasn't my fault he didn't realize that it was RITA'S handwriting, and RITA wasn't working. Anybody with any brains would recognize that. But no- he had to yell at me. I started crying too. It was the second time I was bitched at and I just couldn't handle it. The lady was pissed at him for yelling too so she gave me a tip.
I'm so sick of him blaming me. I was short in my till again and I don't know why. I have had so much cash register experience, and I've never been short. EVER! I think I already explained this in an earlier entry...
I just want to hide.
|Tuesday, April 1st, 2003|
does anyone think that americans take what they have for granted? not just the rich, who (to quote Tool) "fret for their lattes, fret for their hairpiece, and fret for their Prozac, etc. etc.) But also the activists, who's issues with "Christian oppression" and "Freedom of Speech" (although i feel the freedom of speech issue is an important one when it comes to corporate news) and "keeping the law of women's bodies"??? just curious, because i do.
take for example"christian oppression." in this country we are not FORCED to worship a certain way. i understand that some people feel isolated in their religious views due to the overwhelming Christian majority. i think there is a difference between the religion, and the Republicans who practice it. If anything, blame the conservatives not the Bible for feeling isolated. be thankful that you are not in afghanistan where the taliban destroyed many buddhist churchs and monuments. What about in Serbia where Milosevic restricted many minority denominations, including Protestants? In Pakistans some Christians are MARTYRED because of their religious beliefs.
As for Freedom of Speech, be glad you don't live in Burma.
Today Joon told me that I was $30 dollars short in my till. That was very shocking to hear, considering that I have had two other jobs as a cashier and I have never been short. NEVER. Exept for one time when I accidentally ripped off the wrong halves of the gift certificates, and because of that the customers were able to use the certificates one more time. But yeah... he's going to make me count my till before I leave work. I did it today and I was right on target. So... I don't know.
I told my mom about Louann and CD. She was PISSED. At first I was reluctant- I told her there was something important that I thought she should know about Louann. Finally I caved in and I let her know the details. She kinda figured they were together- but didn't know if she was just being overprotective and paranoid. I felt bad for telling, although I thought it was very serious, because Louann won't trust me to keep a secret. But to rationalize it I thought back to the time when I cut on myself and Louann told Mom. I was furious but I got over it once I realized how serious the issue was.
Anyway, another reason Mom is mad is because CD made himself out to be a good Christian guy who would take care of her. "Oh he took care of her alright!" were her words exactly. I resent that too. He seems like a nice person but I can't trust that, and I can't trust that my sister is with him because she truly loves him and doesn't just need that security. My mom and I always said she was the one to go after older guys because she never had a father. Its amazing how many girls are needy like that. But at the same time I feel like, I didn't have a father. I'm not out looking for someone to fill that void.
Louann is going to argue that I am with Steven, who is three years older than me and started dating me when I was 16. However there is a difference between me and Louann. I don't go looking for older men, or rich men. I don't have the Need-A-Daddy Syndrome. Steven doesn't go looking for underage girls, in fact he couldn't believe he was dating one and felt bad about it at first. I don't know if that's what CD is doing, but all I know is I was deceived and so was my mother.
I went grocery shopping today.
|Monday, March 31st, 2003|
Aung San Suu Kyi, the daughter of the famous general Aun San who helped Burma win independence from the British, was just released after spending 19 months in house arrest due to the military dictatorship's dislike of her democratic beliefs. This was the second time she went under house arrest- the first time she was unable to leave for 6 years. Although she is "free" she is still monitered and harassed.
I just found this out by reading this week's issue of Parade. I did a search on Yahoo and barely anything popped up- and I did a news search and I found NOTHING.
Christ almighty- this really upsets me.
|Sunday, March 30th, 2003|
Well supposedly some protestors in some U.S. city became violent- tried to ransack some restaraunt and now Amnesty International is upset because some were injured by police. Um... if you're turning violent don't expect police to just sit on their asses and watch. But that's just my opinion... *shrugs*
Today I found out Louann is dating CD, her roommate. CD is 28 YEARS OLD! I asked her if they were having sex and after pestering her she finally admitted they were. That is so weird- I told her to be careful because there are so many guys out there who just love the idea of dating a 17 year old- any 17 year old. She started talking about how they have a bank account together and how she wants to move to Seattle with him. What the fuck? God I never thought she'd be so stupid- she even started doing her hair differently to impress him. He seems like a cool guy but- that's just awful. She is so fucking needy too- she told me that this guy who was married fondled her. I wonder if she went through with it, or if she had to struggle to get him to stop or what. I'm confused- I feel like I should tell her to have some self-respect but I'm not sure if that would piss her off. It probably would.
Joon was a fucking asshole today. I don't even want to talk about it.