Minicup_hippie

12:58pm: i feel like an idoit
useless in this world
my words lie like the crap they are
nothing to keep them from sliding down the throat
unnoticed, just digested not a thought
then they lie in the stomache causing pain
useless

6:28pm: I GIVE UP WITH IT ALL
i am just tring to be me
whoever that person may be
but life won't let me

i wanna go to maine but school handuffs me
to my bedpost of new york

i wanted to dye clothes
but it turned out like shit
one tye dye looks like crap
and they won't stop running color

and i am working so hard

i dont' know why i am crying for
i just can't do anything right
and it tastes like i am gonna cough up blood

but don't worry i won't kill myself
i am not brave enough for that
cause in my sick little twisted brain
through this hyperventalating pain
i still something will change
and maybe a delicious boy would come
or someone will appreciate what i've done
but for now i am left in the mud

drowning in my own saliva and tears

11:44am: RUN RUN RUN
and you know that this is crap and we should all run as fast as we can and as a teenager we suddenly have the feeling like we should run and run nowhere in sight to end and the treadmill or any equipment doesn’t give me that feeling I need to feel that breeze and loss of attachment run! and maybe there will be a boy to stop me and look into my eyes and say your pretty, and maybe my ears will clear the insecurity wax filling and listen to his words, but dreaming hasn't gotten me far so i want to run away from harsh lonely reality and have someone tell me to stop and run after me.......until i stop and i don't know if i would look back at any of this.....cause when you go into you direction, saunter off in your direction are you really gonna look back at me so what is the point of writing a paper that won't get read till next december and i just want to take of my shoes and dance and not have the feeling like i should be sitting chained to a desk stairng at words that should be written when i just want to RUN or DANCE far away into the fields of imagination and where someday something will come true and i won't be the last one anymore!!

...someone stop me, someone kiss me, this feeling of desperate is not getting me far, i feel like an idiot , if i have not turned into one yet

1:13am: left turned and toiled...overdue and spoiled
i have almost gotten over the ugly thing
but yet all i am left with is to dream
to dream of being a poet
people snapping
to dream of being a musician
people dancing


o someone take a picture of me
tell me its the most beautiful thing you've seen

and make this vomiting feeling leave

8:29pm: adorable just fucking adorable
how cute are you
she says and part of you
blushes with pride
the other wants to wonder why
so cute when you smoke up
so cute never kissed a boy
so cute wore leggin prints till you was a teen

jeffrey lewis your sweat
i could lick forever

someone smile at me
and let me be the glimmer
the glimmer in your eye
the one that grasps your attention all day

and hold me in your fucking arms
and let me feel someone else's heart beat
and feel their arms squeeze my soul into theirs

9:38pm: holy shit
i never post those quiz things but this one defines me to a tee
or at least i hope it does

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

4:44pm: i fear the gods that make the earth tremble
i am the free spirit
trapped in the gilded cage of academics

i am a little child
i put pressure on myself
cause i want them to be proud
but no one ever is
no not the teachers i work for till 1 in the morning
no not the parents who smile hug you then leave you

and i am so insecure
needing that extra glance of acceptance
does anyone want to hold my body

the gods do tempt me with good luck
only to stick me in the gut
with too many almosts
i should speak up
rather than cry

too hard for a girl to insecure
stricken with fear when it is her time to speak
when does the tea party end?

11:56pm: letting the cold focus me into the rushing of learning
will there be anything left?
anything left for me
as the jam this information into my skull
squeeze equations and battles into the folds of my brain

will there be a spot for me
to develop what i want to be
to be creative

or has it been used up
by teachers who sleep
while i study
to try to not fail
so i won't...

so i won't what ?
what would be worse than
be upset and hyperventalating
and having emotional breakdowns every week ?
is learning worth this feeling
this feeling like i am gonna vomit

i still get to be a kid right?

4:56pm: coughing instead of breathing
it is sad you know
these journal at times
i spill my guts
and used them
to spell my soul

and yet
we are afraid to use our mouths
hear the words reach thier ears
timidly we type our lives away

and i will follow you blindy
for i have nothing better to do
way too lazy to read the news

and even at our age we need someone to hold our hands

9:32pm: smothered in love, no more room to cry
i could rape all my friends
ALL OF THEM
ahh we lie
i lie
you know me
more than i thought
so take my apology in whole
I am sorry

love me like you always have
and i shall be more satisfied

8:20pm: stuff your face with unnatural and wonder why is he so beautiful
one month the
metal will be pulled from her teeth
she thinks that things will change
boys will flock to un grated mouth
she wishes in her sleep
the worst addiction of all
optimism drags her down

11:51pm: time melting away from my hands
it has been awhile
since i have felt that feeling of
accomplishment over anything

i feel like i work my ass off
but i never feel that good about it in the end
and the grades and responses don't seem great

so where is my fire
all my desire
to achieve and
succed
and for someone to say
great job

so simple
so moving
like as if they knew my name

9:17pm: rub the dried rubber cement from your fingers
their smiles are prettier than mine
thier bodies are trim and shapely

looking for an answer to why
i have no one
and that is the common return

it is lame to bring it up again and again
but it is what enters my mind

who will be impressed my me ?
when will i find something i am good at?
when will it feel easier ?
please

someone must want to wipe the dirt
the grime
the grease
from my hair
and smear it on their eyes

so they will see the blur i am
we are

1:13am: sneeze with confusion, convulse with a cold
perhaps it is the liquor
spilling in his tiny figure
that sets fire to the coals that were
left aside
last year
confused
the little sister runs to her room
waiting for the departure
she wants truth
she wants her turn
to take life in her hands and shake it up a bit

but left to the corners of her room
dreaming up people who will never breathe
but in her head they only want to catch the drips of
her sweat that are teeming with the life she wishes to grasp

skim my cheeks with his hands
stare at my lips
sweep the tears with fingertips
and suck in the moisture
romance they denounce
but it is all i want
someone to care enough to lick my face
call me their hun
their cunt
at least i would be something that
they would want

10:37am: Pity Kisses
sickness absorbs my body
along with the curse that refuses to leave
no she was getting way to happy
you know
no weekly/daily nervous breakdowns
and she was getting close with friends
well that was too good for her
so now we shove her in the parking lot
help
no fun for me

sit on the train
basting in sweat
looking for someone to
ask if your ok
you want the big black man
to sweep you in his arms
and with his kind eyes tell you
he'll protect you overall
or a sexy boy to come aboard
and kiss away the hurt
or the transvestite to tell you
you are beautiful
for only they know what is

8:10pm: someone slap me just to make sure i feel
i still her jingling in the hall
but she is not there


every one is skipping out on the last day
not fair at all
for i have so much on that one day
help
i think i might fall

it isn't the same
but it isnt too different
yet
miss her
i love you
sparkela von voo voo frischer

8:30pm: will you hold my hair? Yes
and all the things i say
we put them to bed
everyone coming
through in the end

i know when i am
crying and vomiting
you will all be there
running
to keep my massive
amounts of hair from the mess
and i thank you

THANK YOU
i love you all
and benny-poo if he is just stubbling on this
website
i love you

7:25pm: and whip the hair with the brush until the brush flys
i am so tired
but i am not sleepy
tiredness the teenage excuse
i am a teenage nightmare

Contacts i shove
go into my eye so i can see
whilst i cry

in the shower
bare to the water
disgusted
crying tears
washed away
no tear stained face today

but mouth is streched down
for i scream without a sound

i eat the food
taste melts away fast
like everything

no i won't kill myself
cause like the fragile creature returning to abuse
i keep thinking tomorrow will be better
o wait slapped again

6:41pm: Don't
this is response to the last comment on "gentle feet"
(it was too long for another comment)

you never let me down
don't ever settle for that frown
cause the point was the invisiblity
to those who you sit with
i know you see me
before you arrived i was known as nice
they all thought
but i was tired of nice
so i brewed up some spite
and now when not invisible
i am a hater
or suicidal
left to one fatal try

i am lost
and don't know where i stand
or who i am

but i am happy for you
cause you are leaving the hatred and insecurity
he says that i hate him and it hurts
cause i am not capable
but that is what i show cause i am tired
i want to hug him and say i care
but false double meanings will be brought

never feel bad
do what is right for your eyes
they can't stand the look of this hating place
but mine are so used to it
i am drowning in addiction to the drug of hate
and your not silent which i admire

but overall
i am happy for you
and believe it or not i am not too sad that you are leaving
cause you need to so i won't be selfish and yell at you
maybe i'll tease
cause inside i am afraid
but i am happy and glad
and i know you will thrive

12:32pm: subconsiously wanting to be faded
do i want to be alone
do i glare at those who approach scaring them away
do i want to sit alone
become the cliche
do i want to cry at home
so that perhaps one day someone will come
and help me
help me

don't fade away she says
but she hasn't seen that i have faded
cause to her i haven't i am still there
every time she calls those few times
we hang out every once and awhile
so maybe it is all in my head
is it ?

and in my dreams i dreamt i was alone
while everyone was at this prom
i couldn't decide what to wear and no one wanted to help
there was this young security gaurd watching me
i kept looking back at him
having fun trying on clothes though i was alone
he got angry at me for leaving ligths on
then he unvailed that he liked me
so we were together
when i joined everyone
the party was over
and everyone forgot that i wasn't there
and no one asked what happened to me
does my mind want me to be alone ?

i don't want sympathy
maybe just someone to care
don't be guilty cause then
i manipulated
i can't breathe here
alone
by force

11:05am: gentle feet
i walk in the park
out of guilt you walk along
complain about the pain in your toes
i'll silence my woes
cause people on the street
give me more attention with looks
then the people i call peers

want me to join that conversation
so i don't sit alone absent of concentration
but why should i join to be alone in a group
with people who don't even know that i am there

i don't think that i am that bland to fall in the background
then why is it so
never complete attention
do i repell it with my eyes

they say they love me
cause i am sarcastic and true
its just because optimistism hurts to much

but i will stay at home
and dream about people i will never meet
the friends that won't ever be here with me
cause some people give me no reason not to

so run to the place where you feel safe
make sure you are comfortable
space will increase
but it will be ok
cause you will be ok
and in the background i will run
don't take it personal
like anyone does
cause the world just favors those who are true
not those who are silent

11:06pm: the cringing feeling in my knees
reassurance
all i want
flooded with doubt and uncertainty my legs cringe
i am so numb and yet everthing still hurts
you tell me something i don't react but
put it in numeral form and i, we all crack

waiting is useless
the dreamers can dream
but the doubt hits hard
and i fall easily

11:17pm: padding on friday night
and friday has never felt so dull
left out or used up
ever so low

and padding on my chest
just to even out
not to bring extra inches
to something that is not there

and it seems like those teen movies came true
and everyone is doing it, now what about you
my lonely lips
left lost
and soft skin
untouched

and lack of emotion
and desire
i don't wanna try anymore
just to be left alone
as a stain on the floor

my eyes left looking down
never ever at the crowd
to catch your eyes would be too much
and i would be left the innocent idiot

to my friends
some of you must not forget
that i am still here and
my ears have yet to here thank you

innocence
left alone
mishapen body
no one wants
no one looks
i am no different
what is special about me
just that i think a bit

no one sees the beauty in my thick thighs
in my bulging stomache or small chest
can't you see the lonliness in my eyes ?

9:13pm: heart of white mush
and the crowds moved on
and i stand nervous
from lips to
between the legs

and i am hiding in the shadow
wearing a mishapen white smock
fear of sticking out
to gawk at

and every smirk
and every chuckle
feels like it is directed
to me

and to express myself fully
risk making friends
risk getting bashed
by verbal bullets
and i am sorry that my heart is not
made of steel
and i wince at the words
and i cringe at the directed hurt

but shed off by the fearfull laughs
only to spit out more bullets
coated with pride

and antifolk
sings me simple love songs
about board games
and hippies

where is the boy who wants to look at me
i wanna catch up in this touching scene
and i just want someone to want me
some reassurance to my lonely heart
where is my umbrella jeffrey lewis ?

11:25pm: stubborn fingers
fingers that no longer type
stiff with the long pages written
eyes sway as my head moves in circles
typing my life for a dead audience

no longer do words come out o so perfect
spaces and letter missed
keys left untouched because of aim mistargeted
and no more spunk in my soul
everything is missing
like the letter i left out and have to backspace
backspace back to fix

and they have written fights
everyone self rightous
but no one is really listening, reading
wouldn't be great if we could verbalize
and not be left with stubborn fingers typing

to quick to get our words out in instant message
words left unspelled and crunched with no spaces
words left a jumbled cause we typed too fast
the backspace is worn
worn

so meet me in person
and we'll have chat
and we can bad mouth
this and that
but we won't be hiding behind
clever screen names and
hurtful icons
and all that is left are
stubborn fingers
that hurt to type
and mouths left with no words to speak

my generation caught in a keyboard
lets take out a pencil and paper