||Mariah Carey - Butterfly
God, where do I start?? Right now, I'm disgusted with myself, I swore years ago I would never let a man use me for his sexual pleasure. What did I do last night, the exact opposite of what I swore! And to make matters worse, he's was/is a benefit buddy for my own sister. It gets me thinking if the entire time he was wishing I was her or something?? Probably was, she outranks me in looks 100 to 1, even though he disagrees or at least he did last night. He threw the bait and I caught it!
I just can't see how I was so stupid and irresponsible. I've never once in my life done anything like this, I admit I've slept with a couple of guys, but that was only cuz I was dating them at the time, and one of them was my supposed husband-to-be.
I know there are women out there, one being my sister, who can just have sex with random guys and have no remorse, I can't do that. I can't turn off the feelings! To me, sex is something intimate to be shared with someone whom you truly care about, someone you love, trust, honor, cherish, someone who you believe is your ultimate soulmate.
I remember laying awake afterwards thinking about how stupid I was, yet on the other hand wishing it could last, not the sex, but the feeling of being wanted. I admit it's 'wanting' in a false way, but I guess I just had to throw caution to the wind. Generally, he seems like a real sweet man. Very polite, clean-cut, a wonderful father to his son, knows what he wants in and out of life, certain traits you'd look for in a man if you wanted to bring him home to Mommy & Daddy and make a good impression! Maybe not the 'father' thing, but the fact he was married [now divorced] when his son was born, can make a bit of difference!
Oh, that reminds me, all this took place less than 6 or 7 hours after he showed up at my place looking for my sister. How much more stupid could I get?? Dad said he was impressed with him, and from what I've heard from Mom today, she seems real impressed with him as well, even though she wasn't here when he arrived.
I told my mom about talking with him on the computer, leaving out the huge part that I left @ 12:47 am this morning and went to his place 40 mins away, just to be his pleasure. My mom says if I like him enough to go for it, however I'm not sure he feels the same way. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. I didn't talk to him tonight on the computer, if I have enough courage, I might tomorrow night!
I'm off for now....I think I got most of it out!