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cobain_x_mortis again... (obviously) [Mon Nov 24 2003|4:32am]
[ mood | numb ]

One last bit of closure before I let this journal go.

I just wanted to let you guys know that Draven's ashes were spread with Dezzy's ashes. That was Draven's request after Dezzy died.
I'm still struggling with this, and I think I always will be. Draven was..... so many things to me.

At least now he's free of pain. That was the best hope he had.

Comments: 9 enslaved Come be mine.

It's cobain_x_mortis again... [Sun Nov 09 2003|4:29pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Okay I don't know how to say this, but I'm sure you already know.

He was in a coma for 43 hours, from thursday night until yesterday at 6.
At 6 I recieved a phone call from the hospital in Seattle with the news I've been expecting.... Draven died.
I'm so sorry guys, I don't know what to say. I don't know who of you (if any of you) was close to him but you have him friended so... I figured you might like to know.
I'm sorry. I'm.... just really sorry.
I loved him, he was brilliant, he was charming, he was funny and beautiful and he was the only person I've ever met that KNEW what pain was. He understood pain.
I'm not deleting this journal because it's all that's left of him, he refused to be in pictures or on video and he rarely wrote to me so all I have left of him is this journal and his ashes.
Some friends (Skank among others) are on their way to Seattle right now to finalize things and get the ashes etc.

I love you Draven, your beauty is your power.

I'm sorry.

Comments: 6 enslaved Come be mine.

this is NOT Draven. [Fri Nov 07 2003|9:02pm]
[ mood | worried ]

This is cobain_x_mortis (I've been mentioned in several posts).
I'm just here to inform you that I just got a phone call from someone in a hospital in Seattle saying that Draven came in to the emergency room due to a heroin overdose and he is in a coma right now, they're not sure if he'll come out or if he does come out they don't know if he'll have any brain damage or anything like that.
I'm sorry to hjave to be the bearer of bad news here.
If you comment to this post or email me I will make sure he ggets your messages wwhen and if he wakes up
cobain_x_mortis@yahoo.com

~Nothing~

Comments: Come be mine.

[Sat Oct 25 2003|2:14am]
on another note.



I hate Kurt Cobain, I hope his spirit fucking rots

[Sat Oct 25 2003|1:37am]
[ mood | high ]
[ music | "Rain Song" Cold ]

Cold - "The Rain Song"

When it rains I dont mind
Let me stand here all night
Did she take her whole life
Let me know she's alright

[Chorus]
And every time it rains
I feel her holding me
And everytime it rains
Are the angels crying

I'll stay strong, I'll be fine
Carry on with my life
I still stare at the sky
Pray for rain, all the time
Why'd you run? Did you hide
Why'd you leave, no good bye
When the clouds, take the sky
Does a soul, give you life?

And every time it rains
I feel her holding me
And everytime it rains
Are the angels crying
And every time it rains
I feel her holding me
And everytime it rains
All the angels cry for you

I'll never be the same
I'll never be the same
be the same
be the same
be the same

And every time it rains
I feel her holding me
And everytime it rains
Are the angels crying
And every time it rains
I feel her holding me
And everytime it rains
Are the angels crying

Yeah I'm alive. I'm still in Seattle living out of my car. Making money off of smack and coke. Drifting around Seattle.
I still hurt but I'm recovering...... slowly.
I'm going to go shoot up now.
If any of you talks to cobain_x_mortis tell her I'm alive and that I miss her a lot. I don't know if she misses me or even gives a damn but that girl means everything to me. (and she got me in to Cold.......bitch).
I love you all.

~fin

Comments: 1 enslaved Come be mine.

[Wed Sep 17 2003|3:45pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | "The Rain Song" Cold (damn you & your music cobain_X_Mortis) ]

Yep
I'm in seattle.

I'm missing him.

That's beside the point though, it's time for your long awaited rant.
I hate his family. I hate them SO MUCH. I hate what they did to him and how they treat me. I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral (though I went anyway).
You know they didn't have a fucking gravesite for him or anything. Wanta know why? Because big scary Draven might defile the corpse. Don't they know how much I loved him, I'd never do anything to defile or disrespect his body, his body was beautiful to me.
He was cremated and he's ashes now. He used to tell me that he wanted his ashes thrown in to a vally at sunset.
Do you know where they are? Scattered around the grounds of the church he went to as a kid. That makes me sick, they won't even respect his fucking wishes.
Well I don't really have the fight i me anymore, I just. . . . can't bring myself to fight anymore, for him, for me, for anyone.
Society will never change. We'll still be runby ignorant christians and morons like dubya. We'll never throw our outdated morality off and truly be ourselves, the fundamentalist community would not allow it.
I hate this country and this world so much.

ave

Comments: 8 enslaved Come be mine.

[Wed Sep 10 2003|10:14pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I want to give you all some fuckin advice.

Don't fall in love, don't do anything that makes you happy. . . . EVER.
No matter how happy it makes you at the moment when it goes away (and it WILL) it'l hurt worse.
Don't let anyone touch you.
Don't let anyone in.

gods dezzy :(
Why didn't I wake up earlier, why didn't I . . . . do SOMETHING?

Why does one life hold so much FUCKING PAIN and another life holds barely any?

Up till now I've managed to be apathetic in my entries, I've managed to be a generally apathetic person. So I lived locked in a basement for fifteen years, so I was beaten round the fucking clock by blacks in group homes for two years, so I'm addicted to heroin, so I lived on the streets doing male prostituting till finally one of the guys (my regulars) felt bad and helped me get a small studio apartment. I was able to fucking brush ALL of that off and try to be strong and I managed till I fell in love.
Love is weakness. Love makes you weak and susceptible to pain and heartbreak.
After being in the grouphomes I learned to be tough and never show emotions, to never cry. I didn't cry for FOUR YEARS until NOW, until the whole thing with Dezzy.
A huge part of me hates him for making me weak like this then I look at he pictures of us and I can't hate him. Even though the pictures are all a lie, he was never happy inside although his smile lit up my whole world.
Of all the terrible idiotic ignorant people in thisworld the ONE fucking person that made it bearable is DEAD.
Fuck this I'm crying too hard to write anymore.

Just remember LOVE IS FUCKING WEAK

ave

Comments: 3 enslaved Come be mine.

[Tue Sep 09 2003|3:15am]
[ mood | numb ]

Yeah I'm updating.

Don't ask how I am because I'm shitty.

cobain_x_mortis will be jealous as fuck though because I'm in Seattle.

I'm in a cyber cafe thing.

I really miss him too fucking much. I hate this. I hate hurting, I hate him being gone, I hate looking at the pictures of he and I so fucking happy because they're all fucking lies.
I hate seeing his smile because it's not fucking real.
I'm going to ifnish this up because I'm hurting too fucking mmuch to write anything else.
And yes I'm living out of my car. . . again.
And I've resorted to selling heroin to make a living again.
Yeah lets all throw a pity party for draven.

ave

Comments: 2 enslaved Come be mine.

[Sat Aug 23 2003|9:22pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I'm leaving.
Tomorrow cobain_x_mortis comes to start school and after I say goodbye to her and help her unpack her dorm and whatnot I'm leaving.
I don't know where I'm going, all I know is I can't stay here.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want this to end.
It hurts to think.
You'll hear from me eventually.

ave

Comments: 2 enslaved Come be mine.

[Sat Aug 16 2003|11:55pm]
[ mood | numb ]

He's dead.
gone
fuck him FUCK HIM!
Fuck him for leaving me like this, FUCK HIM FOR MAKING ME CRY LIKE THIS I fucking hate him.
Fuck his family for blaming me for his death. Fuck all of them.
Oh yeah I drove him to it? I was the one making him get fucking HELP.

They released him this morning. They were taking him to an institution, they stopped by our place so he could get some clothes and stuff.
He goes in to the bedroom where I'm laying in bed asleep. He places the housekey and the necklace he always wore, the one with the lock on it, besides me on the pillow. I'm still dozing. I didn't see him reach in to the drawer and grab my gun. I didn't see any of it. All I saw as I opened my eyes to the morning light was him putting the gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.
Then I don't know what I did.
When I come to I am knelt beside his body screaming, my own body covered in blood and gore. They had called the paremedics. (they being his family) and as we waited for them we had a screaming fight over it.
They took him. I told him I loved him and they left. I couldn't kiss him goodbye because . . . he destroyed all of his head.
He's gone.
My bed is so empty. . . like me.
I'm still a mess, still covered in blood, all I have left of him.
I'm hurt. . . . gone

~draven

Comments: 6 enslaved Come be mine.

[Wed Aug 06 2003|1:41am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I stole this from cobain_x_mortis because she is my idol. . . or something of that nature.
I think dubya is a moron and people should do this, if not for gay marriages, do it for the seperation of church and state that he's so blatantly violating.

[passed on from damnit_janet ]

I know that many (if not all) of us are rather annoyed at pResident Dubya at the moment and want to do something to help get gay marriages legalized. I know that some people have written excellent letters, and I've been tossing around that idea myself.


However, I think we need something more... something that will get our point across in a quick, easy, noticable way. Letters are wonderful, and I certainly urge everyone to write to the government officials. However, there is no guarentee that the person will read it, much less act on it.


So, here's my idea...


Have as many people as we can go out and buy a postcard. (Or several) Preferably one that shows a picture of your local area. Address it to the White House, and put, "I support gay marriages!" (or something similar... we can always brainstorm on a catchy slogan later) and then put your name, city, and state. Don't put anything else on there.


You could write one to the pResident, one to the V.P., one to your Govenor, one each to your Congressmen, and so forth.


I'd also suggest having everyone send them during the same week, so we can flood their mailboxes and make it more noticable. Perhaps during National Coming Out week, which is in October. That also gives us a few months to get organized and tell others about the idea.


What does everyone think about this? Do you think it could make an impact? Can we get enough people to participate? It's not exactly a big thing, but it's something and can remind our elected officials just how many supporters are out there.


(Also, I need to give credit to the Pagan Unity Campaign, which is where I got the idea.)


If you like the concept, feel free to post this idea in other communities/journals/message-boards/mailing-lists/whatever.


~+~ave~+~

PS- fight the man! haha

Comments: Come be mine.

[Mon Aug 04 2003|11:49pm]
[ mood | horny ]

zillah
You are Zillah.


Poppy Z. Brite Quiz - Which Lost Souls Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'd fuck him
I'd fuck him many many times.
I love cobain_x_mortis for her quizzes that she posts. . . and so much more.
*sigh*

~+~ave~+~

Comments: 3 enslaved Come be mine.

[Mon Aug 04 2003|12:08am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Why the fucking hell is blurty being so slow?????????

ANYWAY
I got a new default icon!
Last night I had a long phone conversation with about Satanism. I think she's a closet Satanist because we agree on generally every principle within Satanism.
So you all don't think I'm a devil worshipper I might as well explain a little of what Satanism really is.
Traditional Satanism is following of lucifer, I am not a traditional satanist I am LaVeyian.

What is Satanism then?
LaVeyian Satanism is looked at as self worship but it is much more than that. It is about recognising the need for the "anti-hero" (hence the name SATANism). If it was just about self worship then we could call it selfism or hedonism. Satanism is about recognising both sides of nature and the self. It is about recognising the good AND the bad. Most religions only wish to acknowledge the good and distinguish the bad, what they fail to realize is that without the "bad" there is no good, there is just meaningless robotic existance. That is what many religions want.

Why use the name SATANism? It has such a negative connotation.
That's partially why LaVey wanted to name it Satanism. People are drawn to what they fear and most people are conditioned to fear satan. Also, the term Satanism stirs up controversy. That is the point of the anti-hero, to fuck shit up (to put it in to cobain_x_mortis's terminology. If Satanism, the philosophy for the "anti-hero" had a non-controversial name it wouldn't work as much. Satan is also the most widely known advesary in this culture, since the culture is primarily christian.

Satanism just looks like reverse christianity, I mean you invert all christian symbols and use their devil's name in yours
Again, Satanism is about being the advesary. It is about being the advesary and challenging traditional ways. Also, we do not only use christian symbols, the main symbol of Satanism, the baphomet, is an inverted pagan symbol with the goat's head in it. Taking symbols of other religions and turning them around is about showing how we are the opposite, the advesary, the ones who will challenge tradition.

What is the point of being the antihero? Who cares?
Without the antihero there is nothing. Think of how life would be if no one challenged the way things were. We'd still think the earth was flat, there would be no growth. There has to be one person or group dedicated to change.
Without the idea of evil there is no good. Without the idea of Satan what is the point of christianity? Or, in another simpler analogy, without Lex Luthor what would the Superman comics be like, static, boring, unchanging. Someone needs to be the "bad guy", someone needs to be the one that brings about change and challenges society's values. To most people that someone is always another person, to the satanist that someone must be us.

there is a lot more involved in satanism, but this is a broad overview.
The CoS official website
from religious tolerance.com on the CoS
From religioustolerance.com on Satanism in general (has some things about disspelling myths about satanism)

Also, check out some of Anton LaVey's books if you really care.
That is all.

~+~Draven~+~

Comments: 1 enslaved Come be mine.

[Sun Jul 20 2003|12:01am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Sorry if this is posted twice, blurty is not cooperating with me tonight:

I hate it when you realize you're falling for someone that's a friend and you both have someone.
Stupid heart or penis or whatever is making me want her.

Dezzy is in the hospital and here I am falling in love with my best friend. I hate myself if there is a hell I should burn in it.

He tried to kill himself again, they're placing him in a mental place for a while, I promised I'd visit every day but his family doesn't want me anywhere near him. They're threatening me with the police and stuff. I don't think they can do much since Dez is an adult but they think I made him suicidal with my evil satanic influence. What they don't understand is he was calling himself a satanist before we even met.
I have to get there and tell him what's going on before they make up some bullshit about my not wanting to see him.
I love him, so much, so much that I can't stand being away from him right now.

I'm on the phone with cobain_x_mortis
I have more drama in the past month than a 14 year old girl, that's sad.
I'm going to go and shoot up because I'm tired of hurting for her. .. and him. . . . and myself.

~+~ave~+~

Comments: 4 enslaved Come be mine.

[Thu Jul 17 2003|12:29am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I can't take this
the ignorance, the idiocy of this world.
Sometimes I just want to kill everyone.

Also cobain_x_mortis didn't buy any coke from me, now I have some coke. *snorts a line*
ahhh better.
Haaaah!
Okay anyway where was I?
Oh yeah, people suck.
Last night I spent three hours, THREE HOURS defending my blatant homosexuality because some christian in the room took it upon herself to tell me I'm going to hell and that I sicken her THEN tell me that I'M intolerant.
*rants and raves*
Whatever I'M going to go ass fuck MY boyfriend and be damned happy about it.

~+~ave~+~

Comments: 1 enslaved Come be mine.

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