||fuck it - seether
Going to school yesterday was fucking hard. To see Josh, to hear him....it was way too much. I mean I dealt with it, but jesus...it tore me apart.
But on Sunday night, I IM'ed him and apologized (idk what for....) and some of the convo went like this..
Me: "are you going out with sarah?"
Josh: "not yet, but we're working on things."
Me: "Oh, well best of luck."
Josh: "don't want it, nor need it"
jesus. i was just trying to be helpful, or respectful. wishing him luck with a girl I hate. damn. but seriously, he said he's *NOT YET* going out with sarah, then he says this shit.. it doesn't make sense. does he want me, or sarah?
Josh: "I'm a different person now."
Me: "I know, you don't love me anymore."
Josh: "Never say that again. Just because we're not together doesn't mean I don't still love you, doesn't mean I don't miss you, doesn't mean I still don't miss you in my arms."
Josh: "Doesn't mean I still don't think about things, doesn't mean I still don't feel things..."
I didn't say anything after that, he's sucking me back in...and I'm scared to go back to him. I can't. But I still feel shit for him, so it's so hard to hear he still loves me and not do anything about. Last night he IM'ed me and said *I need to talk....really bad* But i checked it this morning, and since I have a fever I didn't go to school. I feel like shit, but whatever.
Anyway. I'm trying to diet again. I need to be thin before summer starts, and it's already getting warmer. I don't weigh a lot really, but I look nasty. I need to start tanning too, i look like a jar of mayo man. fatty and white. it's sick. I weigh 109, but look about 120. (an unhealthy 120. with fat, no muscle.) I want to LOOK like I weigh about 100, and in reality weigh 100. I wanna look balanced, but I am so bad at dieting. I'm hungry really bad right now, but I'm trying to fight it away by drinking just water, and a lot of it. Anyone leave a comment to help and encourage me. Leave tips, or comments. I need help. <3
-*- sara -*-