-ImPeRfEcT AnGeL-'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] -ImPeRfEcT AnGeL- [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Day One [08 Jun 2004|03:56pm] [ mood | hot ] [ music | Recognize- Flaw <3 ] Today is the beginning of my diet. I'm not starving myself, but I am limiting myself. I didn't go to school today (which really pissed my mom off)..so I got to sleep in. which is good because there was less time to fight off hunger. It's 90º outside, so food isn't looking so hot. The only things that look good are cold, which usually are less calories except for icecream. It's around 4:00, and so far I've only had -- exactly one cup of fruit salad -- one glass of ice cold water which really isn't bad. Water obviously doesn't have any calories, but I'm not sure how much fruit salad has. It can't be more than 150. It's probably 100 or 90 at most...does anybody know? But anyway, I'm extremely hungry and I don't know what else I can do to stop myself from eating. it's too hot to excersize, i've already made as much as I can out of my *thinspiration diary*, and I even made this poster of pictures of me and my friends, and tried to make a website. My options are running low, and I have to start this and finish this. I want to be 100, and my scale says I weigh 107. (My scale is old, it's probably wrong.) My stomach looks huge, bigger than it ever has. So maybe I shouldn't set a weight, I'll just stop once my stomach is flat and my ribs show through a little and my hips protruding like they used to. Well, any comments and tips..leave some. <3 I'll update later tonight with an update on what I've aten or drank. Beauty kills... so kill me slowly ------------------------------------------------------------- _WaTcH mE f a l l _

havent wrote in a while [06 Jun 2004|05:42pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Fuel- Lo Pro ] josh fucked me, we went out, he left me. he got what he wanted out of the relationship for the longest time i thought i was pregnant cuz i got trashed and fucked ron (ex boyfriend) without a condom. my bad, oh well, I'm not pregnant. ...As you can probably tell shit has been so fucked up. I never have sex, and then Josh and Ron? I don't know what's up with me but.. whatever. I need to lose some fucking weight, I have seriously never looked so fat in my life. IDK how it happened either. My weight isn't high, but my stomach/thighs/ass is so repulsive. I need to lose weight, and fast. Summer is coming up so soon, and I can't look like this. I'll scare all the little kids away. So I've decided to attempt a diet, and if it turns into a long-going fast then so be it. Please, If anyone reads this, please help me. I need help... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [ Fuel- Lo Pro ] All my life leads to the same old thing And all my dreams leave me with broken wings Yeah, at least I'm nothing At least I'm nothing Like you I waited so long And I hope it's not too late To dig ourselves out of the same mistakes And one of these days We'll wake up tomorrow And we'll bury this all away All my hopes lead me to nowhere And all my thoughts leave me with nothing Push, I can push I can do it Leave this all behind Yeah, at least I'm nothing At least I'm nothing Like you I waited so long And I hope it's not too late To dig ourselves out of the same mistakes And one of these days We'll wake up tomorrow And we'll bury this all Bury this all Bury this all away Yeah, at least I'm nothing At least I'm nothing Like you Yeah, at least I'm nothing I'm still nothing Just like you And all of my dreams leave me with broken wings _WaTcH mE f a l l _

I haven't wrote in such a long time... [11 May 2004|03:19pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | seether- number 8 on disclaimer. ] things have been so weird... i'm going out with this guy named Ron, but my emotions are still so strong for Josh. Even through what he's said. I talked to him last night, and he told me he misses me and he will always love me. What am I supposed to do? I feel the same way.... but I still feel a lot for Ron... God things are so complicated. I haven't cut since then, all I've done is run the razorblade softly up and down my arm which leaves little little marks but they still bleed. I'm going to prom with Ron on the 22nd, which is coming up really soon. I already have my dress and the ticket so there's no turning back now. I want to be with Josh, so idk what 2 do. well, whatever.. im out _WaTcH mE f a l l _

heres the pics of my wrist and of me [20 Apr 2004|02:40pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | my band -d12 :) love that song ] IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SELF MUTALATION, OR SEEING PICTURES OF SELF MUTALATION, DON'T CLICK ON THE PICTURES BELOW if you click on one, you'll see them all at once.. so you don't have to click on all of them to see them. ( my wrist 1 ) ( my wrist 2 ) ( my wrist 3 ) ( my wrist 4 ) 1 WiPeS My TeAr _WaTcH mE f a l l _

...blah [20 Apr 2004|02:17pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | fuck it - seether ] Going to school yesterday was fucking hard. To see Josh, to hear him....it was way too much. I mean I dealt with it, but jesus...it tore me apart. But on Sunday night, I IM'ed him and apologized (idk what for....) and some of the convo went like this.. Me: "are you going out with sarah?" Josh: "not yet, but we're working on things." Me: "Oh, well best of luck." Josh: "don't want it, nor need it" jesus. i was just trying to be helpful, or respectful. wishing him luck with a girl I hate. damn. but seriously, he said he's *NOT YET* going out with sarah, then he says this shit.. it doesn't make sense. does he want me, or sarah? Josh: "I'm a different person now." Me: "I know, you don't love me anymore." Josh: "Never say that again. Just because we're not together doesn't mean I don't still love you, doesn't mean I don't miss you, doesn't mean I still don't miss you in my arms." Josh: "Doesn't mean I still don't think about things, doesn't mean I still don't feel things..." I didn't say anything after that, he's sucking me back in...and I'm scared to go back to him. I can't. But I still feel shit for him, so it's so hard to hear he still loves me and not do anything about. Last night he IM'ed me and said *I need to talk....really bad* But i checked it this morning, and since I have a fever I didn't go to school. I feel like shit, but whatever. Anyway. I'm trying to diet again. I need to be thin before summer starts, and it's already getting warmer. I don't weigh a lot really, but I look nasty. I need to start tanning too, i look like a jar of mayo man. fatty and white. it's sick. I weigh 109, but look about 120. (an unhealthy 120. with fat, no muscle.) I want to LOOK like I weigh about 100, and in reality weigh 100. I wanna look balanced, but I am so bad at dieting. I'm hungry really bad right now, but I'm trying to fight it away by drinking just water, and a lot of it. Anyone leave a comment to help and encourage me. Leave tips, or comments. I need help. <3 -*- sara -*- 1 WiPeS My TeAr _WaTcH mE f a l l _

i cant take this anymore [13 Apr 2004|02:12pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | eamon-fuck what i said ] Stolen187 (11:25:22 PM): I'm tired of this seriously I sit here and I see all the time shit in your profile about me and I know for a fact that "faggott" is me and thats low. Its not like me and you were dating for one and two you pushed me away that night and I figured shit was fucked so you have no reason to blame me it was mis-communication on both sides and we should still be able to be friends, but you and only you messed that up Auto response from cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (11:25:23 PM): sleeping viccaboo i love you babygirl. keep your head up high and dont let faggots get to you© Stolen187 (11:26:44 PM): You want to get that stupid whore viccabo to talk shit about me and my ex both of us she doesn't know? And ooo nnoooo drama drama "shes cutting herself you asswhole" do I feel bad yea but thats drama so my actions turn more to distaste about the whole thing Stolen187 (11:27:23 PM): I'm not bothered by the fact you and her were talking shit bout me but she doesn't know me so she has no reason to talk bout me in either way. Stolen187 (11:29:00 PM): But threats...castrate me, kill me? C'mon now I dun like idle threats, you know it'll never happen from you or her, more drama once again, try to grow up because I can see through all this bullshit. Especially her man..how old is she eight? Stolen187 (11:30:37 PM): Now that thats out of my system heres how things goes, you don't fuck with me I won't fuck with you, you talk shit bout me I'm going to find out unless its someone not from this school. Think all you want but don't go spreading lies, b/c I didn't use you, I didn't lie but thats your judgement but I know what is and isn't. Stolen187 (11:31:42 PM): You want to be friends again...sure, after you get that stupid cunt to tell me face to face or on the phone shes sorry for what she said bout sarah...do I see it happening no....these are how things can or can't be its in your hands Stolen187 (11:32:20 PM): Now goodnight and good life, catch you on the flip side so it's my fault. all of it.. my fucking fault. And it's not like me and him were dating? What the fuck does he call it when he asks me out? Jesus fucking Christ. Then he has to go as low talking shit about my cousin, when all sh was doing was standing up for me. i dont understand, this shit never stops. and the whole faggot thing on my away message was for HER boyfriend, not him. he's the one misunderstanding. i left without saying anything because i didnt want to regret a word i would have said. but no, he see's this as pushing him away. god damn. fuck all this. i guess it wasnt worth a damn thing _WaTcH mE f a l l _

what has this life come to [11 Apr 2004|08:23pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | seether-sympathetic ] that whole shit with Josh is so fucked up. we stopped going out april 3rd and ever since then it has been so fucked. he's been playing the whole mind games of, *I want you back* and then telling me he doesnt know what to do. im so fucking stupid to take him back each time. but this past weekend has gone too far. way too far. i heard rumors of him being with his ex girlfriend sarah while he was with me. i asked his best friend Tim if it was true, and it was. josh was fucking sarah while he was with me. then once josh came over to Tims, I was majorly pissed off and Josh asked me what was wrong. I told him what I heard, and he then looked me straight into the eyes and said.. "No Sara, I would never to that to you." He lied right into my eyes without regret, and without holding back. It didn't even bother him, when it killed me. Killed me so softly, but so fucking hard. I then wouldnt talk to him the rest of the night, and I left without saying goodbye because I didn't want to say too much to him and regret it. So i figured I'd rather say nothing at all than too much. I guess that pissed him off because he IM'ed me saturday night. He IM'ed me and told me he was just trying to help sara, and i got all pissed over nothing. I asked him how was I supposed to know if he wasnt or isnt doing and saying all this shit to sarah while he's saying it to me, and he said *I held her and that was it.*.... *up until that night* i know my heart stopped, i expected what he was going to say, but i asked anyways. his response won't leave my mind. "...we made love" Love. He made LOVE. I hate him. I want to hate him actually. But I don't. And I can't. I broke down majorly, and cut. I cut 4 times, two of them didn't work well due to the fact my razorblade is dull. I cut *LIE* into my wrist, it didn't turn out too good but whatever. I'll see if I can take a picture, but if u people have a problem with cutting and seeing it then dont click on it. Uh yeah. Anyway, now since I'm alone. (i was in PA with my cousin) i have too much time to think about shit. i was ..fine, i guess.. friday and told my counselor that. she believed me. now i have to see the guy who perscribes my med. and what if he asks to see my wrist? ugh. im tired of counseling. im my own therapist, cant they fucking understand that? damn. whatever, im out. ill put the pic in my next entry if i get my dig. camera to work 1 WiPeS My TeAr _WaTcH mE f a l l _

havent wrote in a while... [02 Apr 2004|08:51pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | what its like- everclear ] Man I havent wrote in here for a long time. Me and Josh have been going out since the 22nd, but things are so fucked right now. And I hate it. So many emotions of love, or a really strong passion, had passed through my mind, soul, and heart since then. He told me he loved me, and I thought I loved him too. But him? It was a misunderstandment. A mix in his emotions. Or maybe, putting it simply, a lie. He told me today that he still wants to be with his ex. Fiance. ((I found that a little weird, him being almost 17 and engaged once... but whatever)) and that he still had feelings for her. He says he's confused about what to do, but if he truely loved me then he'd know. He'd be with me, and only me. I'd be his, and only his. Not an ex-fiance who is trying to break what I want and need away. He's so perfect, in every way... and now it's so fucked. I have this new perspective on life, and situations like this. Fuck em all, fuck it if they want to play mind games. I'm not in the mood to deal with things like this shit, it fucks with me. I want to be with him really badly, but if he wants to do this to me it's not worth the pain or tears. He was supposed to call me back tonight, but it's about 9:00 and I doubt he's going to call. He barely ever calls when he promises to. Sounds to me like he doesn't give two shits about me. But anywho, I could be wrong. Happens alot. But I get hurt more than I fuck up. So I dunno what to expect. I'm so numb. I have to be, I don't want to feel this. so... FUCK ALL THE BULLSHIT! _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[18 Mar 2004|07:53pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | linkin park-my december<3 ] Of course, when I like this guy.. and he actually likes me back, shit happens. Guys fuck me over. I'm seriously like, destined to be all alone my whole life. It's so fucked up. I'm really tired of it. I really like this guy named Josh but his best friend AL likes me...and then AL had to fuck it up. Ugh. I hate this shit. Read the convo below. I'm out, I'm way too crushed to even type. Josh (6:41:33 PM): .....als made me promise that I wouldn't date you or try to, anything like that...he wants you and is quite infatuated.....and it has my head swimmin Josh (6:41:49 PM): but I've said to much and I'm gonna go cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:41:53 PM): yeah, he told me..:-\ Josh (6:44:04 PM): ...Its just hurting a lot right now because I really, have feelings for you yet I have to deny them.... Josh (6:44:12 PM): but its life, and I'll ttyl cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:44:12 PM): as for me Josh(6:44:14 PM): bye hun cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:44:17 PM): bye:-\ _WaTcH mE f a l l _

my last entry, why i said it... [16 Mar 2004|06:46pm] [ mood | aggravated ] me= crazeebiotch143 matt=beastman1080 MATT'S INFO : What do you live for? Breathing… food… sex… sleep… to go to work for some A-whole? Check it, most people don’t know they walk through life unaware of their presence. They no not why they live, they just exist and complain. This is well over 92% of our population. Stop and realize that no one can stop you from achieving what you want, or make you feel less of your self without YOUR CONCENT. If you can remember this you’ll have a much greater quality of life. I mean How many people sit in study hall reminiscing about their problems or bitch about their lives or better yet, try to, or even succeed at bulling other people to higher them selves on the social scale. A problem is something you should have and learn from, not let haunt you every day. You need to have a goal in life. What you want to do. Now this may seem corny but it’s true. How do you expect to have a good life unless you do something to get it. If you just wonder around in the world I guaranty that you’re not amounting to much. You might make 50 grand a year an work for an A-whole just to get your social security yanked from your hands. And those of you who think your getting social security… HA! Think again. It won’t be there when you go to retire, I can guaranty that. Any body who is going to do something with there lives please here this. I SURE AS FUCK am going to do something with mine and I already have a very good head start. For those who are serious about getting somewhere good, I would be more than glad to help you succeed as I am. Ask me. I guaranty it’ll change your life. BeastMan1080 (6:35:42 PM): you were like "wow that seems directed to me" cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:35:52 PM): yeh BeastMan1080 (6:36:09 PM): and i was like no not really cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:36:16 PM): everyone does it cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:36:17 PM): you said BeastMan1080 (6:36:22 PM): but you definitely do it BeastMan1080 (6:36:33 PM): It makes me sad cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:36:37 PM): um ok BeastMan1080 (6:36:38 PM): ya pretty much BeastMan1080 (6:36:54 PM): it's sooo wierd to sit back and just watch cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:37:07 PM): then dont BeastMan1080 (6:37:31 PM): people fall in to the catigory BeastMan1080 (6:37:35 PM): well BeastMan1080 (6:37:54 PM): thats what i do i understand the bigger picture BeastMan1080 (6:38:14 PM): It's why i come to school BeastMan1080 (6:38:24 PM): to understand people BeastMan1080 (6:38:33 PM): learn a lil bout some stuff cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:38:52 PM): you don't have to go to school to learn about life cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:39:07 PM): just listening to people you learn BeastMan1080 (6:39:32 PM): and TRY to have a great relationship with a caertain some one (that's not easy with some people (antagonists) BeastMan1080 (6:39:46 PM): I know BeastMan1080 (6:39:52 PM): thats why i go BeastMan1080 (6:40:05 PM): it's sad to see all the drama BeastMan1080 (6:40:15 PM): thats why i must succeed BeastMan1080 (6:40:28 PM): i don't want my kids going through that BeastMan1080 (6:40:47 PM): ya know? cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:40:52 PM): so you say to all the people who are out there, that all we do is bitch and complain? cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:40:58 PM): ...and how is that supposed to help? BeastMan1080 (6:42:07 PM): it dosn't I just state the fact and how people should re-act to them cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:43:04 PM): "bitching" or "complaining" is better than holding it all inside, just to make other people like you happy cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:43:07 PM): it makes it worse BeastMan1080 (6:43:08 PM): i can't help every one but i'm definitely willing to help you. your going somewhere and you need to succeed you need not the toils of this society cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:43:29 PM): im bitching and complaining over stuff i cant control matt BeastMan1080 (6:43:45 PM): no no i agree with ya BeastMan1080 (6:43:53 PM): thats not what i'm sayin cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:44:10 PM): stuff that's happened, that i couldn't have helped, and stuff i know most people never get over. even if theyre strong and positive BeastMan1080 (6:44:10 PM): I'm jsut sayin that if people could do the hardsest thing BeastMan1080 (6:44:20 PM): which is to dis associate him or herself we could take a step back and fix our problems! BeastMan1080 (6:44:45 PM): but we can't BeastMan1080 (6:45:41 PM): thats why you you can help some one esle! because you can disassociate from them and look at the entire perdicament BeastMan1080 (6:45:59 PM): you see where i'm coming from BeastMan1080 (6:46:10 PM): I hope so cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:46:20 PM): but when you say that all we're doing is bitching and complaining it doesnt but anything at all into perspective BeastMan1080 (6:46:22 PM): it's a lil hard to explain cRaZeE BiOtCh143 (6:46:23 PM): it pisses me off BeastMan1080 (6:46:27 PM): lol that pisses me off, because what I read isn't what he's saying to me. He's bullshitting me just so I can apologize for something that really fucking pisses me off. He obviously doesn't understand anything about life, he's just way too up there in gay happy la la land.. he needs to get back down to reality and understand that there is shit out there besides his crack that he must be on. jesus. _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[16 Mar 2004|06:27pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | evanescnence ] I'm just an image of your past An unrealistic dream Isn't that what you said Without saying a word? I'm not blind nor numb I can see what you do to me I can feel what you do to me And it hurts so much A jagged knife through my veins A poisoned rose pricked by my finger ...And I bleed I bleed endlessly... I'm just the mirror image of failure itself An unwanted reality Isn't that what you feel Without telling me a word? I'm not dumb nor insane I can see what you think of me I can feel what you think of me And it hurts so much A razorblade through my wrist A million pills down my throat ...And I cry I cry endlessly... I'm just a crumpled up peice of paper A worthless peice rejected Isn't that what you wanted Without any kind of request? I'm not dead nor alive I can feel you kill me I can feel you scar me A thousand lies drawn into my mind A drop of lonliness stretched into an ocean ...And I die I die alone -me i'm so numb right now. i can't really feel... but I still feel an emptiness, a pain, a lonliness. And I don't know why. I feel like someone saw the real me, my real emotions, and covered them quickly with a wet blanket. But the fire, it's still burning. Eventually it will burn right through this blanket, and what am I to do then? Hear the same shit all over again? I guess it's already burnt a few holes through, people are starting to say shit. Telling me all I do is bitch about my life, and that I'm stuck in the past...and I should just concentrate on the future. I understand that I am stuck in the past, but it's not like if I kept it all inside it would go away. Because it won't. I've tried. It's nearly impossible to get my life on track, unless I knit myself my own wet blanket and throw it over the fire. It's insane that I have to cover what I really feel, and who I really am, to make other people shutup. I don't care too much about what people think or say, but lately everything, I mean everything, has tipped my half empty glass over. This glass of how I view life is completely empty. Useless. Pointless. Why live a live that's already gone? Tell me, why should I live a life that's already gone? _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[11 Mar 2004|05:06pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | stone sour- bother<3 ] i wish i was too dead to care if indeed i cared at all...* how true. only I know I DO care. I just finished watching room raiders on MTV. The girl was so pretty, and so skinny. She had the perfect body, and there I was...watching t.v., eating. Feeling my stomach just roll over my pants. I'm so nasty... I wish I could have the strength to actually fast. In the girl's diary, the guy was reading it, it said.. "I was 77 pounds for 4 days..." My God. I weigh like 115. The difference, it breaks me. I hate my body so much, I'm so unproportional. ( or however you spell it..) I just want that FLAT tan, SKINNY tomach. Have thin, tan thighs... and I can never reach it. I eat my way thru the guilt, and that hurts me even more. i just want to scream, and break everything around me. cry, just let it all out. Guys are so fucked up, they always FUCK with my head... twisting and warping my life into a Hell I can't escape. And I turn most of that hatred in on myself... Things right at this moment, are getting worse. I want to cut right now so bad.... I;m breaking down inside. well im back. i went outside on my dock on the pond to smoke a cig. i feel a tiny bit better. i cried. i fainted (smoked too fast) and just laid there, freezing..staring at the sky. everyones IMing telling me "dont smoke! quit! its bad for you!" why dont they shut the fuck up and let me live my won life? i can tell tonight isnt gunna be a good night. im out- _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[08 Mar 2004|08:01pm] yeh. heres a poem i wrote just like 5 minutes ago. it says my mood. can you tell what my mood is right now? i bet you can.. :o) hah. internal death captured by the Innocent warping the dull glow into a black fire sending flashes of hapiness into ashes blowing away by the wind of the future a deathly battle with the past and now bleeding weak will and distorted memory I'm screaming out to deaf ears and only listened to by silence This world is dead and fading And your smile is the murderer Your hapiness is the knife in my back And your lies is the force behind it How much longer do u expect me to live? When you're the one killing me softly... but yeh. im out. _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[08 Mar 2004|02:28pm] okay sorry i know i just wrote. but for some reason when someone leaves me a comment, and you click on to see it..it brings you to a wierd website type thing. if you want to see the comments: just first click on "watch me f a l l " and then click on "read comments" --just thought id tell you. 4 WiPeS My TeArs _WaTcH mE f a l l _

it's a long entry. deal with it. [08 Mar 2004|02:05pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | nothing ] I failed at attemtping a fast. I always end up failing. What's up with that newayz? im not who i was b4. i used to b so good at fasting n dieting...and now since i moved im lyke..a fat fuck who cant stay away from food. pleez. anyone help me? Today so far i've had an apple and itz only 2:06, therez so much left of the day... bah, i duno if i can do it. I guess ill jus clean my room n shyt, then my bathroom..and if i have the energy ill clean the whole house. I guezz i gata push myself to work, n not to jus sit aroun on my fat ass the whole day eating. i gotta reach past what i think i need, and grab for something i know i need more. my dream. My goals. My life. i dont care nemore what people think, they alwayz say i dont need the diet and im perfect the way i am and im beautiful and shit. but wtf are they on? they dunt see me the way i see myself. i think that sometimez hurts more than my actual reflection. i wish i could b normal but i guezz i never will be. I just gotta make do with who i am and make the best of it, or attempt to be who i wana b. and who I wanna be is who i used to be. I used 2 be so skinny and carefree. i duno what happened to me. i guess the move changed me into my worst. around this time last yr, well around april, i was 103. now im 112-115. I kno ima little taller, but only by like an inch. that's pathetic. it's nasty. ugh. i wish i could turn back time. im glad im not givin anyone this journal, like my friendz or anythin, they'll flip on me. well some of them. They hate when i do this to myself, and i've seriously tried to stop..but i can't. it jus doesnt work. --------------------------- yesterday i went out with a kid named Matt. He was so touchy feely, and i seriously dont kno why. I actually liked him a lil, but he was just 2 fuckin touchy. ppl told me he was jus bein nice to get inta my pants but idk y i didnt believe him. i fuckin hate that shit, jus when i like sumone they turn out 2 be like every other guy ive liked. he was touchin my stomach a lot, just like rubbin it and shit. i seriously dont kno why he would do that. if i wuz him id stay awayy from that area..lol. sry but itz gross. o, and yeah im sick of guys liking my ass cuz it's "ghetto". Eddie alwayz says he likes my FAT ass. That word seriously haunts me. I cant get rid of it. bah. i hate this shyt. matt sayz he likes it too. :: rolls eyes :: sum guys are realy fucked up. --------------------------- ..::.. im out*- leave some er whatever ..::.. _WaTcH mE f a l l _

picturez of me ~N~ my idolz [08 Mar 2004|01:19pm] [ mood | jealous ] [ music | when will my reflection show, who i am inside? ] ( just a pic of me ) ( a somewhat full body shot...it's slutty so beware :o) ) ( my fat thighs..very pale. it's winter, so..shut it..lol ) :o( see? i need help badly..pleez ( numero uno of my idols ) ( numero dos of my idols ) ( my thinspiraton ) i seriously wish i was them. bah. fuck it. never will be. :o(. so, seriously. you guys saw the pics, I'm in dire need. Esp. in the thigh area and tummy area. I would have a stomach pic but my digital camera died on me. So if anyone has any clues to what the fuq i can do jus tell meee. I need sum tipz and trix to get this shit away from me. I don't realy need to be ana but i wana be skinny. i dunno. i just want a body i can finally b comfortable in. leave me sum 2 WiPeS My TeArs _WaTcH mE f a l l _

[06 Mar 2004|08:32pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | 3 days grace- i hate everything about you ] im so fucking tired of everything.. ALL OF THIS FUCKING SHIT !!!!! i can never be skinny enough, beautiful enough, smart enough for anyone. not even my fucking self. esp. not myself. guys, all they do is fuck you over, lie and decieve you. and i'm stupid enough to believe them. jesus christ. in how many ways can i hate myself? it's countless. fucking countless. i havent cut in a long time. but now i want to. im so sick. i just want to bleed and feel the stinging when the razor just cuts thru me. i want to just let go of everything i've been holding inside. im so tired of being here. so tired of it all. i'm so fat. my god. i just wish i was beautiful and skinny like everyone i see. but me? no, im fat and so fucking nasty. i need something, or someone. i'm just so fucking lost inside. IDK whut the fuck 2 do anymore. im gunna go. please God just fucking kill me. -sorry if anyone hates hearing this shit. if you don't like it dont leave comments and complain because im not in the mood to hear the same shit over and over again. i know im fucked up, i dont need to hear it again. im so tired of hearing shit from people who dont fucking understand. so if ur just gunna bitch please just fucking save it 3 WiPeS My TeArs _WaTcH mE f a l l _

new journal..* [06 Mar 2004|08:09pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | seether-broken ] finally made a journal. i'll write later, prolly in like 10 minutes or something. 1 WiPeS My TeAr _WaTcH mE f a l l _

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]