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Monday, December 29th, 2003
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9:49 pm - New
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new and so alone
current music: jack off jill- strawberry gashes
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(comment on this)
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8:32 pm - hello
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hello all. nothign happened today, new years will be with emma
friday with nick.
mroe poetry? okay
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(comment on this)
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3:16 pm - newest
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newest poem inspired by a picture of the lovely and very talented :jomina.deviantart.com
Tablets - Complete Piece
83 tablets.
ready to be taken in
And as this year comes to a close
soon my life shall too
So sitting here
I'm contemplating
Just what i should do
I count the things to live for
and count the reasons to die
To live has 4
And to die has infinite
So i lift a pill and swallow
continue one by one
By the 8th pill
I begin to have these tiny little regrets
At 22 i stop
Shivering, crying
i walk to my window to see the sky so blue
open to me
The bathroom door is unlocked
I run in and out comes those pills
Solemly I failed
At ending myself tonight
Back at that desk
Contemplating- my own death
wondering the halls in my head
To live or to die
Its a decision i cant make
a decision i cant live
and until the day i chose
I will sit here, forever
To be contemplating
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(comment on this)
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3:15 am
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Force - Complete Piece
I can't tell anyone
The hurt, the pain, the nightmare i see-
I can't help myself
No one can help me
I'm alone because of this
My innocense was torn apart
My mind was split in two.
I said no... i really did
No... no...no...NO!...no...no
My mouth flooded with fallen tears
My fingers raking the bed sheets
As... my virgin self was killed.
I can't believe i did this
It's all because of me
The image of he and I
Always in my dreams
I did this... it was me.
I can't believe this happened...
I want to fucking die
You said what we did was "fun"
I said no.
You think what we did was fucking fun?
i can't take this, what have i done?
He forced me
I was forced
I said No....
I did
No... no...no...NO!...no...no
I shudder as I think of it
I crawl around that word
I whisper it to me...
rape.
I can't believe i did this
It's all because of me
The image of he and I
Always in my dreams
No one understands
What the fuck I did
it was all because of me
I was getting what i asked for...
even though..
i said no.
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Mother Dearest - Complete Piece
Sometimes I wonder if
I look just like my mom
I dream of seeing her
Cradling me in her arms
I never got to know her touch
Or have that mother daughter talk
She never got to see my first lover
Or take me to get the pill
And when i was in the dumps
Wondering all alone
Whispering for death to come
She was no where to be found
The tears i droped,
Blood i spilled
Cries i screamed,
Fell into this open silence
My mother, gone, went missing
she sadly ran away
Even though she doesn't love me...
Somehow I still love her
So now I'm down one mother
And up one wicked step
My heart can't be filled by
Her constant yelling- bitching
My mother's face is fading
Creeping from my memory
The only thing that remains
Is her green eyes and peach perfume
Everytime i smell a peach perfumed beauty
The lonliness consumes
Often at the playgrounds
When a mother pushes her daughter at the swings
My heart it drops,
My eyes fill with envy.
This little girl, i wonder
Does she realize what she has?
To tell someone my mothers gone
Wouldnt help a bit
The someone wouldnt- couldnt- realize
The hurt and pain this puts me through
This peircing pain wont leave
I can't take this away from me
I wish for a happiness
A family that is whole...
That will never be
That can never be
She's gone, forever gone.
So please dont say you understand
Unless you really do-
It stings to hear hollow empathy
Hurts to hear such lies
Moving to my mother
If she could see me now
Count the scars upon my wrist and thighs
Whisper she loved me
Everything would be erased
The scars they'd be depleted
The loniness depleted
If that could really be...
To have that happen...
it will never
Its just a dream.
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Eyes - Complete Piece
Your eyes told me to go for it
Your mouth said it'd be fun
and when i started to fight back
Your arms said stay still
You've lied to me
This is nothing new
Your eyes can be so decieving
Inviting to go in
If I could I would destroy you
Leaving but your eyes
Though they are but lies- so dreamless
Their beauty enraptures me
In this end, i would say to you
This was the last time I get caught by you
Now's the time to say goodbye
Your eyes locked in mine
I lift this knife up to your lips
Gently I slice you
Hope you get the feeling now
I'm landing in control.
What happened to your domination?
What happened to your soul,
So black and dusty it must have crumbled
Nothing to surprise me
So as I see I'm done here
My lesson has been taught
The eyes- once so capturing
Droped from 50 above
No longer do they steal my soul
No longer will they hurt.
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The Emptiness - Complete Piece
This emptiness I feel
Is taking over me
I feel alone in this world
I use to feel so special
The way you said you cared
I was loved
Now tired and in solitude
I slowlt burn the feeling into me
I've burned
And though this feeling isn't happiness
Or even close to love
It's better then the nothingness
It's better to have tears
Confused I crawl to the corner of my bed
Huddled in a ball
I cry to take it back
To return to times of love and certainy
Impossible; thought that is
It's easier to burn.
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Cries From The Dark - Complete Piece
laughing prancing in the halls
A false smile runs across her face
always laughing ...never happy
never taken seriously
Stress of grades work money
A whisper for a scream
Newest outlet for her pain
Hurt herself again
who cares?
She's always happy anyway
Always joking never said
So when the sparkle left her eyes
Just two years before
No one seemed to notice
No one seemed to care
She's huddled on the floor
Pounding on her heart
Bleeding off her tears
The anger stays
Harbored deep
Hidden there- she's scared
Scared of being lost
Scared of being gone
Her cries are to be saved
she dreams of being saved
please
She whispers
to be saved
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He's Tortured - Complete Piece
Spinning circles in his mind
As he tries and slits his wrists
The emptiness consumes
Inside his heart just dies
Quickly turned to ash
Repeatidly he falls
He's down one time
And down again
Never ever up
A tortured soul that's whispering
Tales of how he drowns
Falling into death
With one last breath he quickly sighs
"I know now... and good bye."
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My Outlet - Complete Piece
there's this outlet for my pain
i've known it for years
and i havent been afraid to
use this outlet everyday
to see this blood is hiding
emotions that i hate
stirs the other feeling
Prickles excitment down my neck
So as i drag this across my leg
dont be frightened for me
this brings me a better feeling
its better then the everything
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The Cliff - Complete Piece
Walking slowly to that cliff
She didnt know what to say
Left home, with no questions
No words came that hour
Her dress was flowing from behind her
As the wind flew right past
Her hair was flying around her pale face
Covering her blue eyes
While upon the spot to fly
She pulls out her locket
Once from a lover- this locket was now ash
As was her wilting heart
She prayed to god for courage
The ability to jump
Then from no where she got the urge
The feeling she desired
Arms lifted to the air
Always standing tall
She felt her self lift from her spot
And fall into the sky
With her hair and dress billowing all over
She looked as though a doll
Simply droped by her puppet master
Mindlessly forgotten.
Just before she landed- apon the many rocks
The sadness in her eyes was droped
A smile was now there
This was to make her happy-
This made her soul free.
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This Journey
this journey im on
both empty and cruel
leads me in circles
leads me to you
this journey i take
its tasteless; its blue
it pulls me towards nothing
pulls me towards you
this journey i despise
throws me down to lonely
throws me off to nowhere
places me next to you
this journey i failed
this journey i lied
this journey, i whispered, was a dream that i died
but this journey i took
was because of you
an image of comfort
an image of true
the vision of perfect
the vision of you
this journey i pondered
this image i yerned
a love that i couldn't capture
a feeling i couldn't endure
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Beautiful - Complete Piece
I've coloured my hair
Changed my body
Even added words to my vocabulary
I'm no longer myself
I'm only yours
Identity now erased.
So take me now, I'm begging.
Steal me at my prime.
Love me while I'm beautiful
Fuck me while I'm alive.
Soon, by now, I'll have added
To your lovely masterpeice
Your canvas, that is me now,
I've added a few things.
Brightened gashes on the upper thigh
Dripping slices on the wrist
Hope you like this new addition
I see you smile as I paint
Soon that smile drops to nowhere
I see that I've gone to far
i'm no longer your beautiful
No longer desearving of a stare
I'm just too skinny,
my Hair's too black
The gashes are just to fresh
My breasts are too big for you likings now-
Small is the newest trend.
You need something real
Something you can tear apart
Someone you can screw.
I'm just to old and tattered now
Look at me waiting here
Just to be taken out
An old accessory to life-
only yesterday's beautiful.
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Brick - Complete Piece
my brick house has been blown down
Wrecked, destroyed, crumbled
I trusted you with the keys
only to be casted aside
You said you loved me
I said I cared
I let you touch me
Now I'm dirt.
There wasn't even an end to it
Just poof, gone-
A dissoluted dream remains
Sadness does now creep
Your fingerprints still all around me-
Burning holes into my skin
Your words work as acid now-
Envenom to my throat.
Lying to me worked
Toying with my mind
Made me run in circles
Made me run to you
See me dancing in the closet
Hiding from it all
See me dancing with your death now
I see the emptiness seeping from your eyes
I'll make you want to bleed
I'll make you want to die.
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Wrecked I
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He wrecked her as he said he wouldnt
he felt her up he put her down he forced her on her back
she cried for help and no one heard
no one but a friend
her friend told her to run but the fear made her stay
now she lies on the floor
tears burn her face
a bruise under her eye
and cuts all over her thighs
She wishes she had listened
She wishes she had ran
Ran far from the one who caused it
the one who made her hurt
The empty souled abuser
The empty souled man that never would have thought
Her to be strong enough to win the fights
Strong enough to leave
She was just as strong as he, she's sure
She could have ran, but she had hope
one day he will get better
and the baby
the baby will have a dad
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wrecked II
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Laying on the floor
Pulling hair out strand by strand
She wonders what she must have done
to make her father hate
To make him force her on the bed,
to make him push her to the wall.
"You were a bad bad girl," he would whisper in her ear,
"time for a punishment, dont worry it wont hurt a bit"
She'd cry to make him stop,
scream that she'd be nice
promised over and over to never do whatever she had done again
She cried if he wouldn't hurt her, then her mother would be good
her cries were innocent, but unheard by fathers ears
and mother crawled to the corner,
it was her fault, she was sure
she wishes she had listened
she wishes she had ran...
Blood tears roll down daughters face
Blood streams flow from her wrist
no where to hide
friendless she has no one to turn to
friendless she has no where to go
they lay on the floor
tears streaming down their cheeks
shivering with fear and hate
whimpering with pain
"we are strong enough... we could..."
but they knew they wouldnt
left in the house
the basement of the house
to whisper dreams of listening to friends
dreams of running away.
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Tear - Complete Piece
I think I know a tear.
I know one all too well.
It's glassy figure
falling down
gently kisses me.
My lips- they quiver
Crying for a touch
The taste of salt reaches me
My tongue ever satisfied
Slowly this drop lands
Placed upon the ground
something that was once so important
Such a piece of you
Could it be forgotten so,
Or do you count them as they leave?
Collecting the tears in a jar
Trapping them, like a memory
Brings an idea of forever being
A tear for a tear
This is why, my friend, I know
A tear all to well
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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3:07 am - poetry
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Hey, im ever so new to this journal- I love to write. I do believe i'm about to post some poetry, please enjoy =D
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(comment on this)
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2:58 am - new
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new journal. haha i have so many.
www.dismalfidelity.deviantart.com
www.ujournal.org/users/dismal_fidelity
www.teenopendiary.com/users/fatexinxaxrazor
www.melodramatic.com/users/xfateinarazorx
current mood: sleepy
current music: Numb. Linkin Park.
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(comment on this)
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